Bloody Full Moon by barochovaamelis. This review was done by Nikachu22.
Main Focus: Flow of the story, action scenes/ smut scenes, love story between main characters
On an unrelated request, I have to inform you... You will need to break up the paragraphs. Having one large paragraph with the dialogue embedded inside causes an issue with the reading flow. It's also hard to either keep pace or take a look back at the dialogue because they are in the middle of the large paragraph.
Keep each paragraph 3-5 sentences and always put a paragraph space on the dialogues.
Reading the first chapter, I can see you didn't waste too much time on the not-so-important scenes which was good. It kept the chapter flowing in the beginning. I'd slowed down some of the action scene in the beginning so we could not only better picture it but also feel her as she's going through it. This will help you as an author introduce your abilities in descriptive scene writing.
Original words: The two beasts growled and right after that I heard a shot from a crossbow... and then another, I took advantage of that, I turned and fired a full magazine at both werewolves with my pistol. They howled in pain like tortured dogs and fell to the ground with a snort.
I'd suggest incorporating more of a build-up:
Suggestion Begins
Behind me, I could hear the heavy huffs of the two beasts running side by side. Their huffing was etched in my ears as my legs kicked up in speed. Over a few tree roots I threw my weight.
I ducked beneath a large tree branch which almost knocked me out. My pace had slowed significantly due to the objects, but the creatures weren't the least bothered. Hot breath became the feeling, burning the back of my mind because I knew they were closing in. I knew all it took was a snap of their saliva-filled jowls. I focused my eyes, my breath drained from my lungs, legs burning, stride trying to pick up.
I thought it would be my end until the swooshing sound of a crossbow's arrow gave me hope. It stuck in the ground between me and the canines before another hitting a tree was enough for them to turn their large heads and gaze with warning empty eyes at the figure that dared to disrupt them.
I took a chance to play with my life-- as I always do.
Suddenly twisting on my heels, one leg used to throw my weight, I drew my gun up quickly, aiming at one of the slowing werewolves. The sounds of the forest shatter as my relentless bullets reign into it, before my steady hand shifts to empty the rest into the second one. I land on my back with a thud, slamming into the earth, but inertia holds me and I slide until bundled dirt sits between my back and the base of a large nearby tree.
The wolves cry out as if being tortured, and blood-curdling screeches nearly deafened me. It wasn't until they stiffened, lost footing, and collapsed with a grunt. I realized they were dead.
My skills had yet to betray me.
I huff to catch my breath when my attention draws upon the figure who decided to make a slow, arrogant grand entrance.
"You're kidding me, Issac?!"
Suggestion End
I only see three chapters, but your request was to also review the smut/love story between the main characters. From the chapters... There was no smut nor any love scene. I only see a few action scenes so I can only review those.
The second fighting scene in the third chapter was more fast-paced and I think it's okay because here there are quite a few characters you cover and a lot of action. The only thing I'd suggest is showing more of her personality. Keep the character from reverting to talking inside of her head or giving herself small pep talks. You use the small pep talks she says to herself as a means of descriptive writing.
Show her. Don't tell her. So if she is afraid then show us her feelings. She should keep things like 'What are you doing? You were never scared before!'
'Oh, crap... I'm scared.'
'I'm dead.'
'Get it together!'
These small remarks she often says to herself. Turn those into feelings.
Let's say the Grendal is coming at her. I'm going to describe the beast in my own description though it doesn't remotely look anything like how you've described it (maybe).
Suggestion Begin
Large, looming, slow, but with the thirst for kill in his eyes, the beast found those beaded pupils engulfing me. As if I had been staring at an empty pit. Bright yellow iris-colored mirror. Its large, long arms waved from side to side, hastily throwing its weight to carry it forward. It was trying to get to me.
My bullets had done damage, dark black blood oozing from its wounds, was not enough to keep it from coming. I counted nearly 12 holes, pierced into flesh all surrounding the area where I believed had been its heart. Am I wrong?
I raised my gun, shaking hands, vibrating arms, and draining courage. These things were tough. After it suffered nearly a whole clip, I reloaded quickly to empty another.
My gun has always put even the most fierce creatures down. Built with thick rubbery dark green skin, it was no wonder it took on so many bullets. The earth shook beneath every step and so did the beating in my chest. Where was Isaac now? A fleeting thought caused my nerves to skyrocket and my eyes to widen due to fear. I gasped.
Gun pointed, the beast coming my way, but my finger sat barely on the trigger. For once the terror of death had taken me by storm.
I froze.
Suggestion End
Overall, You are on to a good start. Just a little bit of editing. Since your chapters/story is fairly new it'll be a no-brainer in the editing it now to really give the story the appropriate mix it needs to draw in readers. I also suggest not writing her feelings as her thoughts because when you do this, at some point it will leave you with writer's block.
You will not know what to write about or how to express her properly because you're relying on the character's pep talk to get her through scenes. You want to keep her at a baseline personality for now, but then as things she goes through unfold, she has character growth. So make her in the moment as well as yourself as the author. Put yourself in her shoes and explain what it is that you'd feel in this moment. Bring her out. Become her. She and the male lead. SO! Later when you do incorporate your smut, you'll have the tools to make smut proud.
I'm looking forward to some pretty heavy scenes...
Thank you for allowing me to review your book. As always, keep writing.
