This Review is for MeadowSterling for Secret of Prom Night. This review was done by Nikachu22
Main focus: Flow of the story, overall plot and characters, grammar
Flow: The flow of the story is a little quick. Not too quick, but there aren't enough details between the characters talking. Some movements will help support their personalities and keep the pacing down just a little. Also describing the emotions with one or two more sentences helps.
The sudden switch between POVs in chapter 3 is unnecessary because there is only a small amount of Brielle's time. What you can do to make it clear, transition smoothly, and not mix her and Athena's personalities up is to have Brielle walk into the dressing room and then have her look at the dress. She could roll her eyes, and look back at the curtain. Anything that will support her as a character. Readers will be able to pick up on who is who. You can always include her name, but this just supports it.
She can express herself at this time without clearly stating the change in POV because it messes up the flow of reading when the scenes bounce too much with few necessary details.
When the characters get together. There is a lot of dialogue and their interactions somewhat lead the plot for that chapter. I'd suggest adding more description. I know right now everyone's focus seems to be on prom, so that is where the story is heading, but in the meantime putting in some smaller conflicts will help between the characters.
Introducing a major hint at a plot twist later on helps too. You have your main storyline and some supporting bits that can help it or deter the characters from it just a little bit. Maybe the characters plan to somehow sabotage each other. Not so much but more like work as obstacles while they compete.
Plot: As for your plot. You are moving that along pretty well. You keep the readers interested and I have no doubt that the plot will only get better the more the story goes along. You keep the action flowing and the characters are not dull at all because the words in their minds are always funny. Everyone is ready to get at each other. The drama is fresh and entertaining.
You delivered the plot twist with the phone call and left the chapter off with a cliffhanger. You just need to work on your transitioning.
Transitioning from one scene to another is often abrupt without any build-up. Here is where detail build-up can help you tremendously. At the beginning of the girl's meeting. Have Athena get a phone call from the number and ignore it. When the uncle is interacting with her, have the number call again, and then lastly before the chapter ends have it call one more time. This will allow the readers to know that something is up.
We can already suspect something is up, but the transition is smoother. On the third call, she could answer and say whatever she pleases. This is one way to transition into a plot twist. Another way to transition is by placing details before the call begins. Movements. Not so much dialogue so that the call wouldn't be abrupt.
You can even describe the phone ringing a few times and her feeling the vibration before pulling the device from her pocket and staring at it or her uncle asking her is she going to answer that. She contemplates answering; however, on the last ring, she decides to answer. This is where it happens. Give a little detail on what she's feeling before she hangs up.
Character: Let's first mention Athena. In the first chapter, when Pearla touches her at the end Athena exhibits disgust for Pearla which leads into the second chapter. You then mention that Athena believes that Pearla is weak and she shows utter dislike for who Pearla is. Now, we get to the conflict.
You say that Athen is emotionless and lacks empathy, but the descriptions above signify that she isn't emotionless at all because she's reacting. What I'd suggest is making her act emotionless at first and then when you mention her having the ability to show emotions when she wants; allow her to react with emotion.
What I mean is... let Pearla touch her. She stares at the touch without any reaction. Deadpanned face, no feelings, and was just unsure of how to react after she had comforted Pearla. She reaches for a cloth and holds it in her hand as if she is unsure of what to do with it. This switch is only when Pearla leaves.
Then allow the description of you stating she's emotionless, lacks empathy, and how she can portray the emotions she desires. Let her snicker under her breath at this moment, blink, and rub where Pearla touched lightly. Then... have her portray emotion. She's disgusted etc etc.
Basically, flip the steps around a little bit. This will show the fact that she's emotionless first because she is. You don't want her to lead with emotion because then at the end of the first chapter, it just looks like Athena is as big of a cunt as Safiya... if not worse. This will help the element of surprise and support what you're saying.
As I read on I actually come to realize that Athena is in fact not emotionless at all, but rather emotional. She's mean, snobby, and seems to harbor a lot of anger for those around her. In order to portray an emotionless person who can suddenly switch between emotions the first thing you'd have to harvest is less emotions. The character needs to react less or at least have conflicting moments where they do. Using emotional words does not support this.
I noticed that many if not all of the characters seem to have a snobbish attitude and portray some fakeness between each other, especially the females. Also, everyone is calling everyone a bitch. This means that they are too similar in personalities with no real distinction.
I know they are rich and arrogant, but there are some rich people with different types of personalities. Quiet and stoic, shy and calm, snobby and know it, boss bitch and confident, smart and confident. A book with many characters means they need to stand out in order to stand alone.
I do not like the idea that the characters are quite similar but for the sake of the prom, I'm enjoying the similarity because they all seem to have a stool that needs a bit of knocking over. Be better than the others seems to be the motto. It'll be interesting to see who wins and how the others will act. They seem to hate each other so will it grow? That curiosity is there. The build-up before the pop.
Also, I'd suggest making Athena a little more likable because she's hard to stand behind when she's being mean to weaker individuals. When she first saved Pearla she was likeable because in a school like that filled with rich bad eggs, to see her help was nice.
Keep her flips from emotionless to emotional more distinct and dynamic. So that we can see her solid personality that is not so solid because she is mostly faking. Whatever happens to her later I'm sure will devastate her.
Grammar: I'll tell you as I've told everyone-- I am not a grammar nazi because in my writing I do not follow grammar correctly on purpose. Grammarly tries to correct me but I just think it's absurd. Haha.
Your spelling is fine and your word usage/punctuation didn't have many errors. I was able to read through words without trying to guess what you were saying. You could spice up some of the word choices by using synonyms. This will just help with having a broader vocabulary.
Thank you Meadow for allowing me to review your writing. Your name choices are unique and some of the characters have strong names that set them apart. The whole book is a bunch of drama that holds strong. I mean really, it is entertaining.
