This review is for DeejayDJ010 with Ricochet. It was completed by craftychicken.
Title 4/5 I like the title but I'm not sure if it makes sense for the story as of the end of Chapter 4.
Cover 4/5 An interesting cover but it doesn't scream sci- fi/ dystopian. I like the use of the lines but I'm not sure if it relates to the story.
Blurb 2/5 I'm not a huge fan of the blurb. It doesn't create tension or make me want to read the story. I'll discuss more in the review.
First chapter 8/10 An intriguing first chapter. There were just a few problems with sentences that didn't make much sense. I found myself rereading sentences to make sure I understood what was happening.
Characters 10/15 Most of the characters felt a little flat. I'm not entirely sure who the main protagonist is supposed to be and so many characters POV's are used, it's hard to keep track of who we're reading from or what's going on.
Plot 14/20 Not entirely sure of what the plot is. I assume it's just a slow start to introduce the characters but it is difficult to follow a plot with so many POV's and so many characters to remember.
Grammar/ vocabulary/ punctuation 15/20 I did point out a couple of things while I was reading and while the grammar and vocabulary were fine, the punctuation was not. I will discuss a few examples in the review.
Writing 9/10 Excluding the punctuation issues, the writing is really nice. It's fast paced and I did read the chapters pretty quickly.
Personal enjoyment 4/10 As someone who values plot and good punctuation, I didn't really gel well with this story. I like the idea and the characters seem ok, I just think the story may work better from a third person perspective.
Total 68/100
Review
Ok, there's quite a lot to unpack. I'll start with my opinions and experience with the story as this is what you requested I focus on. So, I don't have much experience with writing sci fi but my current novel is a sort of dystopian fantasy so I do have a little experience I guess. I did like the idea for your story and from what I could understand of the plot, it is quite good. I just had a few issues which brought your score down. 68 is by no means a bad score. Trust me I've had way worse. So the things which made the story lose points. Firstly, the blurb. I don't think it works overly well. I think it needs to be more captivating. I didn't really understand the plot very well so I'm not sure how much help I can be. Usually in reviews, if I don't like a blurb I'll rewrite it. I struggled to figure out who the protagonist is so I'm going to leave your blurb mostly to your own imagination but from what's in the blurb already, here's my best attempt at improving it: (feel free to use this if you'd like)When (protagonist's name) witnesses a kidnapping, it throws his whole life into disarray. He is now a changed man in more ways than one. Along the way he makes some unlikely allies, and they become united by their circumstances. They realise that their lives are a maniacally twisted entanglement of misfortune, injustice and corruption. In a tale of nature versus nurture, the world can only be described as gray. The question remains, will they make it out of the other side?Hopefully that's not too different from your original for you. Secondly there were a few issues with characters. I found it hard to keep track of who was who. I found myself constantly confused by who's POV we were reading from. I think that using a title such as —--'s POV would help a lot.
Also the character's didn't really have a lot of personality. I think that especially by chapter 4, we should have a feel for who our characters are and what their main goals and intentions are. Where do they want to be by the end of the story? What are their flaws and inner struggles? These are the kind of things we need to know as a reader so that we can root for them.Finally, there were a few sentences that didn't make sense or some which need additional punctuation. Here's most of the ones I noticed as well as the way you can fix them: (The original sentence is above and my edited one below.)She kept it for sentimental reasons even though Mike insisted to change it. - Chapter 1 (A feeling 'not' so good)She kept it for sentimental reasons even though Mike insisted on changing it.Judy, his favorite lady in the club, lamented that he was not in his element before abruptly ending the lap dance for him last day. - Chapter 1 (A feeling 'not' so good)Judy, his favorite lady in the club, lamented that he was not in his element, before she abruptly ended the lap dance for him yesterday."Whatever. As long as it got her clicks" she thought. - Chapter 2 (Autopilot)I would advise using Italics as this is in her thoughts. This would make the sentence look like this:Whatever, as long as it got her clicks. She thought.Even though the situation was precautious, they had always been happy and they insisted on putting a happy face in front of everyone hoping that one day it will manifest itself organically, - Chapter 2 (Autopilot) I'd advise changing the word precautious as I'm not sure it makes sense here. Here's my rewritten version. Even though the situation was precarious, they had always been happy and they insisted on putting on a happy face in front of everyone, hoping that, one day, it would manifest itself organically. "I am okay. It's just that my life has turned into a shitshow than it was before thanks to that massage. Go on" - Chapter 4 (Running an errand)"I am ok. It's just that my life has turned into more of a shitshow than it was before thanks to that massage. Go on." I hope this review has been helpful. I didn't mean to sound so negative but I want your story to shine just as much as I'm sure you do too. I have tried to not sound mean during this review and if I have I am deeply sorry. I hope my advice has been helpful and I wish you all the best for your story in the future. Thank you for requesting a review,Craftychicken :)
