Beyoncé
One month later — October
"This will look so damn good on your body!" Kelly complimented. I stared at the white gown she held in her hands. Just like the past 20 we've looked out, I blankly stared before shaking my head.
She rolled her eyes and placed the dress back onto the rack, "You're so picky, you know that?"
I let out a sigh and took a sip of the Matcha Green Tea frappe from the Starbucks nearby as we continued browsing through the rack of dresses.
We've been shopping for the perfect wedding dress for the past two hours. Unlike her and Gabrielle, I actually hated shopping, especially for long periods. Like she said, I was very picky and I honestly wasn't in the mood.
I had just arrived back to Chicago from a 13 hour flight from Dubai. It nearly slipped my mind that I picked today of all days to begin searching for a wedding dress until she reminded me.
My attitude wasn't the best because I was tired, but also because I wasn't so sure if a wedding would even take place.
Ever since I left Louisiana and exposed my secret to my son, my decision has been weighing heavily on me. Josh and I were two months away from our wedding date and now I was suddenly feeling unsure if I was ready.
Jay was on my mind constantly. We talked nearly everyday which only made my feelings for him grow more. I wanted to avoid that from happening since I made it clear that Josh was the man I wanted, but it was so hard trying to suppress my feelings for Jay.
Unlike our many encounters before, we talked and laughed, and had deep conversations about our past and our future. I questioned if he had changed from the immature teenager he used to be, and I was truly blown away at how different of a man he was now.
His mindset has completely changed. He was gentle with his words. He was patient. He had goals outside of music. He wanted a family; a wife, more kids. For so long I thought he would turn out like his no good father, but he was nothing like him. Don't get me wrong, his father had a big influence on his life when we were younger, but I'm so glad to see how much he has changed.
I didn't realize that I had a smile on my face until I checked my phone and noticed the photo of Josh and I on my lockscreen.
He was the perfect man. How would I be able to tell him that I no longer wanted to be married? How would I tell him that I was still in love with my child's father? How could I do him that way after all he has done for me? How could I allow him to heal my heart just to break his? It wasn't right.
"Can we just take a break?" I asked, "I need food, I'm starving."
Kelly broke away from the rack of dresses and looked at me with a soft smile. "Yeah, you definitely need some food and maybe a drink or two in your system. Your grumpy ass attitude was this close to making me walk out of here."
I laughed and followed behind her out of the bridal shop and onto the busy downtown streets of Chicago. Traffic was bumper to bumper but we were able to cross the street to her Mercedes AMG.
"Where to?" She asked.
I placed our next destination into the GPS and buckled in before she made her way into the busy traffic.
We made it to Atwood, a popular restaurant that served some of the best food and drinks in the city. Once we were seated, we quickly ordered and sipped on our lemon drops as we awaited our food to arrive.
"Feeling better now?" She asked after I took a few sips of the beverage.
I nodded, "Yes indeed. I'm sorry. I hope I wasn't being bitchy towards you."
"You wasn't, but I can just read you really well. I thought this part of the wedding process would be fun for you. You didn't like any of the dresses and you surely wasn't that interested. Your phone had most of your attention. I felt like I was shopping for myself all over again!"
The waitress stopped by our table to deliver our appetizers. I settled on a simple caesar salad while Kelly tried out one of the famous soups. We thanked her and I waited until she left before speaking.
"I'm jet-lagged." I replied, only telling half of the truth.
"Hm, I didn't think of that.." She then looked at me, "Or maybe it's Jay?" I nearly choked on my salad when she said his name. "B, you're acting like I don't already know!"
"I know, I just hate to hear it. I feel so bad Kelly!"
"So you didn't end it like you said you would? I figured!"
"What makes you figure that?"
"You're dickmatized! Always have been when it came to him, and I'm not judging you for it but — I didn't think you would ever let him in again after all that's been said and done."
I took a sip of my drink as I took in her words. In some ways, she was right but it wasn't just the sex. It was everything — the memories, our chemistry — I'm in love with him and it's so hard trying to tell your heart that it can't have what it wants.
"It's a lot Kells," I added with a sigh, "You wouldn't understand."
"You're right, I don't. But I know when you love someone. I know you love Jay, B... but what about Josh? You're getting married in 2 months!"
I nodded, "And it's hard. I feel like my heart is with Jay, but it's with Josh also. I love him Kelly. He's an amazing man. What am I suppose to do? I can't keep faking like I'm ready to get married when I'm not."
"Just tell him B."
"But I don't want to lose him..."
"Would you rather lose him by you being honest or him finding out on his own? I don't think the latter will end too well."
I felt tears brewing and quickly leaned my head back to avoid smearing my makeup, "Either way it goes, he's going to be hurt... I'm afraid of hurting him. I'll feel so foolish!"
"So you're just going to continue with this? You're going to buy a wedding dress and send out invitations? Wasting your time and money knowing that's not what you want? B, your wedding is in two months!"
"I don't know what to do!"
Kelly sighed, "Girl, if you're still debating on who you want to be with then you have your answer. If you truly wanted Jay, you would have been with him by now. He's in the picture now so of course your feelings will resurface, but how long will that last?"
"You've known Jay and I for decades, you know how much I love and care for him. That doesn't just go away."
"I agree, but I also seen how down he had you. He left you at your worst and didn't care that he was leaving you with a child to raise on your own."
"People grow up, Kelly. Do you not believe that people change?"
"I believe you should believe what a person show you the first time."
I stared at her with tears in my eyes. Our food arrived but I suddenly didn't have an appetite.
"To go box, please?"
The waiter gave me a soft smile before adding that they'll bring one out for me.
Kelly shook her head, "You're leaving because I'm being honest with you? Like I always have? What kind of friend would I be if I agreed that being with Jay is the right choice after all he has done to you?"
"I get it Kelly, I do... I'm just very confused right now and want to be alone. You're right about everything. I shouldn't want to be with Jay again, but... I love him. I feel like he has changed for the better. I love Josh and all he has done for me but we've been so disconnected lately. It's hard because leaving him will hurt him so much.. Staying with him only keeps him happy, but what about me?
His mother hates me, he lets her control everything about his life, his baby mother is overly petty, his family rarely interacts with me.. Will I have to deal with that for the rest of my marriage? Will I always have to worry about him choosing his mother over me?"
Kelly sighed, "I didn't know any of that, besides Sabrina being her usual annoying self... This is a tough decision B..."
I slowly nodded and there was a brief silence before I spoke again, "Maybe I just need to be alone — single, and not with anyone."
"That would be beneficial for you as well. Have you ever thought about going to therapy again?"
I groaned, "Therapy is boring. I'll rather pour all my trauma onto you."
We both laughed at that since she really has played a huge part in my life by being both my therapist and best friend. I didn't know what I'll do without her.
The waitress arrived back with my to-go box, making Kelly give me a look, "You're really leaving? I thought this was our day together?"
"Well, you drove us here so technically I can't leave, but I really need to be alone to think about all of this."
She rolled her eyes, "You can be alone after our outing. So, order another drink and let loose. Don't even let that consume your mind right now."
I chuckled and still placed my food in the box since I didn't have that much of an appetite anymore. Just as she said, I ordered another drink and we enjoyed our time until we moved onto the next destination.
__________
I felt at peace as I relaxed in bed rubbing my feet together. Since my outing with Kelly, I've been at home enjoying the little time I had to myself since Josh was out.
I checked the time on my phone and noticed it was getting closer to midnight. I debated on calling him just to get a clue of his whereabouts until I realized I had his location.
I pressed the Find My icon and clicked his name. Zooming in, I could see that his location was pinned near his brother's home. They were always together so that made sense.
Next, I checked Angel's. It put a smile on my face when he suggested that we share locations. He put it to great use since he messaged or called me anytime I wasn't at home wondering what I was doing and who I was with.
He was extremely nosey, but God knows how much I've yearned to be in this position and having this connection with him.
I continued to sip my wine and check notifications until I received a Facetime call. Jay's phone number appeared and I quickly accepted the call and watched as it connected.
"Surprised you answered..." He said soon as I could see his face. He was lying in bed, deep under the covers just like me.
"Yeah, it's late... I don't usually answer calls at this time."
"Your man must not be next to you."
"And if he was, you think I would've answered?"
He chuckled, "That's a pretty bold move. I can't believe you got me out here being a side nigga."
I rolled my eyes, "Jay, you're not a side anything. We're cordial; we're friends."
"Friends?"
"Yes..."
After some deep thoughts with myself, I finally realized how traumatic all of this was. Leaving my fiancé to be with my baby's father wasn't the best decision seeing that I was still healing from all I've been through. There was still a lot of conversations and a lot of healing needed to be done before I could ever be with Jay again.
And for Josh, it was obvious that we were losing our spark. A marriage was a permanent thing, and I honestly am not prepared for it. We have yet to have that conversation but I'm hoping we can sit down and discuss it all without him being too upset with me.
"I understand..." Jay said in a low whisper.
"Besides, you made it clear that you and Keisha were in a serious relationship. It's just the best decision for the both of us. What we've been through still haunts me and I don't want to start anything with you without seeking therapy to heal myself first."
"B, I get it... As long as we're cordial and you understand how sorry I truly am. I don't want us at odds again."
I nodded, "Agreed. It's getting late so I'm going to finish watching my show until I fall asleep."
"Aight ma, goodnight."
The call ended and I placed my phone down next to me. I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought about everything I've been through these past few months.
I never thought I'll see Angel again, but thank God he was back in my life and allowing me to be his mother. I hate the way my father and I's relationship ended to be, but I didn't have a forgiving bone in my body for him. As for my mom, our relationship was getting better and I can genuinely tell that she was trying.
I wiped away the tears as I thought about Jay. As much as I loved him, being with him just wasn't the best idea. There was too much trauma to unfold between the both of us. I'll always believe he'll leave me once again; no matter how much he claimed to have changed. The sex between us was nice, but it was a mistake.
And Josh? Just the thought of him made more tears fall. He wasn't perfect and we've had our problems, but there was no denying how amazing of a man he is.
Despite our many indifferences when it came to children, his family, and baby mother, the good always outweighed the bad with him. He taught me so much about letting go and knowing how to love on a deeper level. He would always be the perfect man in my eyes.
It wasn't him, it was me.
I've lived off pain my entire life. I never knew how to love myself. For many years, I've put the blame on me for all the pain others have caused me. I've always wondered if I was good enough. Even while living in a beautiful home, driving nice cars, and making more than six figures, I still felt like that depressed 15 year old. I've done a good job covering it up, but I no longer wanted to hide. Finding my son is what I've longed for, but now it's time I truly find myself.
__________
"Breakfast ready baby!"
I could hear Josh's footsteps as he walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. I placed his plate down while he just stared at me in confusion.
"What's the occasion?" He asked.
I took the seat across from him and rolled my eyes at his silly question, "It has to be an occasion for me to cook for you?"
"I'm joking, but this is unexpected; especially for a Thursday morning."
"Not really, but I get it. I haven't been home in about two weeks and you've been working overtime. We rarely spent any real time together."
He nodded, "Yeah, our schedules been crazy. I been trying to reach a goal in our savings account. I want us to go somewhere nice for our honeymoon. Plus, Madison wants to go to the beach."
"Go to the beach? It's October." I purposely dodged the conversation of a honeymoon. I wasn't near prepared to even tell him my thoughts on the wedding; A honeymoon was the last thing on my mind.
"It's warm year round in Florida. She's been making good grades and haven't been getting in trouble so I want to reward her."
"That's nice. It's good she hasn't been getting in trouble. Is Sabrina okay with you taking her to the beach?"
Josh looked away from his food to look at me, "Sabrina is going too."
I wanted to spit my food out hearing that, "Wait, excuse me?"
"What's the issue? Didn't you and ol' boy do the same?"
How could I forget about that. Knowing how that trip ended made me not trust Sabrina and Josh alone. The woman was petty and I know she'll do anything to get back with Josh. I find it weird that they are planning to do this in the middle of October, two months before our wedding. I assumed all of this was Sabrina's idea.
"Are you funding this trip?" I asked out of curiosity.
"It's my daughter, why would I not?"
"So are you paying for Sabrina's flight and her room as well?"
Josh shrugged, "Nah, didn't plan on it but I don't see the problem if so. She's the mother of my child."
I sarcastically chuckled, "Right. If I remember correctly, I paid for my own flight, my own room, my own food, and my own side activities when I went to Miami with Angel and Jay. To me, this seems like a family vacation and you don't see anything wrong with that? What happened to you not being able to stand or be around her? Do you not remember when you told me that?"
"Yeah Sabrina can be annoying at times, but she's still the mother of my kid. I can't just avoid not being around her. I mean, there's no issue for you to tag along as well."
"No... I'm good. Obviously this was a vacation already planned without me included. I'll rather not get in between that."
A frustrating groan escaped Josh's lips, "Are we good B? We haven't been communicating like we should. Shit just seems off between us."
I wanted to wait to tell Josh about my thoughts on the wedding, but the longer I waited the harder it became to tell him. This was the perfect time to lay out our feelings and I suddenly didn't want to.
He looked at me awaiting a response as I sat back trying to enjoy the food I prepared. When I could no longer enjoy it, I pushed it aside and gave him all of my attention.
"I... I don't know if we should move forward with the wedding."
There was an instant frown onto his face, "Fuck you mean? You want to cancel the wedding?"
"Yes. I've been in my head alot these past few months. I feel like I haven't found myself and it wouldn't be right to drag you along through this healing journey."
His eyes pierced through mine. His jaws clenched as his hands formed into a fist against the table. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I never expected for him to laugh.
He put his head into his hands and laughed even harder. "You gotta be joking, right?"
"No... I've been thinking about this for awhile and I think that's the best decision for us."
"So canceling a wedding that's already paid for is the best decision for us? How the fuck do you know what's best for me?"
"I know that I'm not my best me yet. It's selfish to myself to marry you just because it'll make you happy. I love you Josh, but there's parts of me that I'm still healing."
He shook his head in disbelief, "It's funny that your baby daddy is back in the picture and you suddenly feel this way.."
I groaned out of frustration, "Stop making this about Jay! It's about me!"
"Yeah fucking right. Stop acting like you and him haven't talked. You're not dumb, so how you forget that all of your messages comes to your Macbook? The one without a password?"
My eyes widened once he said that. I usually took my laptop around with me, except for my last flight. I mistakenly left it on the coffee table in the living room. Because I was running late, I never went back for it.
And I also forgot that it didn't have a password. Because I never left it laying around and I had nothing to hide, I figured that a password was useless.
Josh shook his head, "Him telling you that he misses you, asking can you guys meet up, the long messages of him reminiscing.. but somehow I never can see your responses and I know you're replying."
One thing my life in the military taught me was to never leave traces, especially pertaining to written texts or anything online. Anytime Jay messaged me, I called him. I rarely responded through text unless it was about Angel.
"It's because I'm not replying. How do we go from our marriage to discussing Jay?"
"Because he's the reason we aren't getting married!" He yelled, "What's up with the Facetime calls? You thought I wouldn't notice?"
I let out a sigh as I thought about what to say next. He seemed to have put the pieces together so that only left room for me to be brutally honest with him.
I stared into his eyes and felt my own eyes watering. "I slept with him.." I mumbled, "But I promise that's not the reason why I'm choosing to not get married."
His jaws clenched and before I knew it, the plate of food I cooked for him shattered against the tile floors. He stood from the table and I tensed up thinking he would put his hands on me... again.
Our first fight was because of his bitter baby mama years ago. Of course I fought back, but that still didn't help the damage he did to me. Since then, we promised to keep our hands to ourselves but I doubt he even keep the promise because of how upset he was now.
"When?" He asked as he leaned against the kitchen counter. I stood to my feet with my back against the wall.
"Why does it m—"
"I said when?!" He exclaimed.
"When I flew to Miami with him and Angel... It just happened and I do regret it."
He sucked his teeth, "It happened again?"
I groaned, "Josh, none of that matters! That's not the reason I want to cancel the wedding. I seriously need to heal! You met me when I was young and still grieving! You never knew about my past so that helped me to not talk about it, but it's different now. I have to heal that part of me before I can marry you."
"Beyoncé, when was the last time you saw him and had sex with him?"
"And why does it matter?"
"Because the woman I'm vowing to marry has been fucking someone else this entire time and I knew nothing! That's why it matters! You've been acting so insecure about Sabrina because you're out here being a hoe. At least I never had to worry about her cheating on me."
I frowned, "Insecure? A hoe? Is that what you think about me?"
"Yeah, and honestly... I don't give a fuck about sparing your feelings. Maybe my mom was right. Sabrina is the better fit for me. She would've never done this."
"Then marry her!" I yelled, "But don't act like I'm just insecure behind that bitch. You fucked her after we made things official between us... How could you forget?"
"You're bringing up something from years ago compared to what you've done recently!"
"You still cheated on me Josh! I don't care how many times you've tried to apologize and act like it didn't happen. I don't care how long ago it was! You still cheated on me. Yes, I fucked up for going behind your back with Jay, but that has nothing to do with my decision to not marry you. Since we're being honest, even if we were to marry, I still would fuck him again! So believe me when I say that isn't the reason."
He chuckled and shook his head, "I really can't believe you, B. I never thought this side of you existed but I'm glad that I'm witnessing all of this now and not after we wed."
I ran my hands through my hair and let out a sigh. "Josh, I love you... and I love Jay too... and because of that, I have to be alone. I have to heal and make a clear decision on how I want to spend the rest of my life. Connecting with my son is something I always wanted and I finally got that. Now, I have to use this time to figure out me. I'm truly sorry for everything."
"Why couldn't you be honest the first time? On your birthday trip, I clearly asked you was there anything going on and you gave me this sap ass speech like it was nothing. I knew then you was lying to me, but why lie? I always been real with you."
"Because I never wanted to lose you Josh. This little affair with Jay was never suppose to happen. I can't take it back now and I'm truly sorry."
"So is this why you acted disgusted anytime I brought up having kids?"
My brows furrowed together, "What? No! I literally told you childbirth still haunts me, and that's why I need to heal. I need to go to therapy and get rid of all this trauma that's just weighing heavily on me. Bringing another child into this world when I'm still feeling like that lost 15 year old will not help me suddenly be a better woman or wife to you."
He shook his head, "What the fuck was I thinking? I should've left you the first time you told me about Angel. You even lied about that."
"Do you hear yourself? I never lied to you about Angel! I just never fully opened up. You been pressuring me about kids since forever and that's something I never wanted to deal with again."
"So why not say that instead of giving me false hope like we'll have a child one day? You egged me on B!"
"Because I would've had a child to keep you happy. I love you Josh, and if having a baby is what would've made you happy, I would've done it but I was still haunted by childbirth and I knew I wouldn't be able to give you that until I heal... which is what I'm trying to do now."
"You should've healed long before now," He shook his head in disbelief, "You really been wasting my fucking time. I could've given everything I gave to you, to someone else that was ready to be with me and start a family. I fuckin' hate we even got this far."
"What's stopping you? Do what makes you happy Josh."
"I am! Don't worry. You need to figure out where the fuck you moving to though. This my house, that I built and I'll be damned to having a cheating ass bitch living under my roof. Pack your shit and go."
I could only laugh at that. My condo wasn't too far from here. I was smart enough to buy my own years ago for this exact reason.
"That's funny to you?" He asked while stepping over the glass towards me.
"What's funny is you thinking moving will be hard for me. Did you forget that I make triple your salary?"
The moment those words left my lips, I felt a blow to my face that instantly put me to sleep.
__________
Long overdue. I still don't know how to feel about this one but I hope you guys enjoyed it.
• What are your thoughts on this chapter?
• Do you guys agree with Kelly or B's stance on Jay? Has he really changed?
• Do you guys agree with Beyoncé's decision to end the marriage and be single? Should she give Jay another chance?
• Thoughts on Josh's reaction to Beyoncé finally being honest? Who's side are y'all on?
• Josh being physical — How do you guys feel? What do you expect for the next chapter?
Hopefully I won't take too long for the next one because I'm honestly ready to end this story😂I know y'all love it but it's been giving me a hard time.
As always, don't forget to vote and comment!