I'm still learning to love..and I'm starting to crawl..
Rebecca's POV
Silence surrounded us for a couple of seconds as we stood staring at each other. He looked numb and tired, I could tell by the black bags under his green dim eyes which showed no emotion. My body pulled closer to him, craving for a touch.
"I-I was so worried about you." I mumbled, letting go of the door and wrapping my arms around his neck, standing on my toes to hug him to me.
For a moment, I was scared he won't hug me back, but that feeling was soon gone when he lightly wrapped his arms around me. I inhaled his strong Armani cologne, loving the familiarity of it. My hand moved up to his hair to lightly tug, knowing this will calm him down.
"Thank God you're okay." I sighed, tightening my arms around him.
Again, he didn't speak. It confused me and scared me, because the last time he was being so cold to me, we had a fight and I left the house to go to Josh's.
I pulled back enough to look at him. His eyes hid something, they were wearing a shield that wouldn't let me see through. It was sad, seeing him keeping me out.
"Harry, are you-,"
"M'tired." he mumbled lowly, a blank expression across his features.
I pursed my lips and nodded. I could see he was tired and he needed some sleep, just like I did, but we still had things to discuss. "Alright." I murmured and pulled back, missing the feeling of being in his arms immidiately.
He didn't look at me as he moved around me and walked slowly past me. I turned to see his shoulders falling down as he had his head ducked.
"Harry." I called before he could climb up the stairs.
He came to a halt and I saw his shoulders rising and falling as he drew and blew a deep breath. He slowly turned to look at me and I saw sadness in his green irises. He just stood there, his hands loosely resting by his sided and a mess of curly locks gathered on his forehead.
I inhaled from my nose. "We need to talk." I said gently, not wanting to sound intimidating or demanding.
"I said I'm tired, Rebecca." his raspy voice cracked when he said my name, making my heart sink.
"I know, and I'm too." I sighed. "But...You dissapeared for most of the day...I was so worried about you-,"
"Then why didn't you come to look for me, Rebecca?" he asked, cutting me off. His green eyes were complaining and questioning now.
I shut my mouth at that moment. Louis's voice telling me not to follow him echoed in my head, and another small voice in the back scream at me "I told you so!". Guilt flooded momentarily through me but I managed to suck it up before speaking.
"Because I wanted to prove a point." I replied cooly.
He huffed and looked away. Seeing Harry being so distant makes my heart go crazy, because she wants him to be close to me, to show me what he feels, not be cold as ice and leave me alone.
"What happened, Rebecca?" he asked, locking eyes with me. "I thought you said you would always be there for me." his voice came out stronger now.
He's now giving you the blame. He wants to get on top. And you will be the hurt one at the end, as always.
"I am always there for you and I always will." I stated.
"Then where were you today?" he asked, furrowing his brows, seeming frustrated. "What did you do to help me, Rebecca?" yeah, he was definetely pissed off.
"I let you go through the pain by your own so you can come out strong. And...I wanted to protect my heart.." I looked down as I said the last sentensce.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he said in a way as if I just said something stupid. "How can I come out strong when you're not with me, huh? I've told you, Rebecca. You make me strong. And protect your heart?" he huffed. "Protect her from what?"
My heart fluttered at his words but also fell down to my stomach. "I couldn't stand any more pain, Harry. I-I'm sorry..But Louis said that I-,"
"Woah, woah, woah." he raised his hand, making me close my mouth. Ah, shit. "Louis?" he repeated, narrowing his eyes. "What the hell does he have to do with this? Since when are you listening to what he's saying? Since when do you let the others have a say in our relationship?" anger was born in his eyes now.
"Nobody has a say, Harry. But Louis told me something today that got me worried." I replied, shaking my head gently.
"What did he say?" he asked, impatient.
"He said the light inside of me is diminishing and one more thing that would hurt me could've destroy that light for good. And I don't want that, Harry." I admitted. "Maybe the light is my gift to help the souls. Maybe the light is my will to die for the ones I care about. Maybe," I drew a breath. "Maybe the light is my love for you."
He stood silent for a few good seconds, just scanning my face, proccessing the words. The silence was torturing and I could feel the tension between us growing stronger.
"Do you have any idea how much it hurt today? How much I wanted to dissapear?" he asked, his voice now shakey, making my heart skip beats.
He shook his head and pursed his lips before a grimace covered his features as he held back the tears. He ran both hands through his hair and looked away, gasping for air. My heart now clenched and I wanted so badly to reach forward and pull him to me, but I didn't. I knew he wanted space at the moment, so I respected that.
"Everyone hates me, Rebecca. Everyone. I don't belong here, I never will." he said exasperatedly, raising his hands in the air. He looked at me and I swear, that pained look; it killed me.
"You're the only one that understands me, the only one I can count on. And you didn't even look for me." he gasped for air again as the corner of his eyes started watering. Guilt and sadness hit me again and my chest caved as I blew a heavy breath. "I felt as if you stopped..." he sobbed. "As if you stopped loving me. As if you didn't care. As if you were done with me. And that made me realise that whatever that jerk said to me was true. That I keep destroying everyone's lives. Including yours."
"Harry," I mumbled. "I'm sorry for not searching for you, but I can't always follow you and try to make everything better when they're not. I was worried as hell, though. I needed to see you, to make sure you're okay. You know that, I love you, with all my heart, and I will always be there for you, even when you don't expect me to. But today..I just couldn't push my heart. I'm sorry.." sobs now came past my lips as my own eyes started watering.
He sighed heavily and looked away. "I'm sorry that you have to love a fuck up like me." he muttered.
"Don't say such things." I shook my head.
He sighed again and ran a hand down his face. He looked everywhere down on the floor instead of meeting my eyes. "Whatever, I'm tired.." he murmured. "I'm going upstairs to sleep now. We'll talk tomorrow." he said and turned around, quickly making his way upstairs and leaving me standing there with an aching heart.
...
He didn't even sleep with me.
He murmured a quiet "goodnight" and got into his own room before closing the door. It was sad, for me, because I could see something was torturing him, yet he didn't allow me to help him.
I stood awake for over an hour, thinking if following Louis's advice here was a good choice or not. For a moment, I wanted to knock on his door and apologise again, but I decided against it. I didn't really do anything bad, I just let him go through the pain on his own, just like he's left me do that multiple times.
He didn't wake me up today as he always did. And the feeling of waking up and not seeing Harry laying next to me made everything seem odd. The whole night was a torture to me. With a sigh, I stood up from the bed and made my way to the bathroom. I glanced at the door of his bedroom, wanting to knock and wake him up.
Once I was done, I got out of the bathroom and stood outside his door. At first, I hesitated, but I knew I had to show him that I do care and that I love him. After our small fight yesterday, I feel like he doesn't feel that way. I feel like he doesn't feel my love. And I don't want that.
I raised my hand that was balled into a fist and knocked three times. You would say it's my house and I can step inside without asking permission, but I didn't want to be that disrespectful. If Harry wants his space I will give it to him, but we had to talk first.
"Come in." I heard him say from the other side. His voice was raspier, meaning he was tired, sleepy, or he didn't sleep at all last night.
I slowly opened the door and stepped into the dark room. I noticed he closed the curtains, making the light dim. He was laying on his side, his slicked back facing me, his arms crossed over his chest. My stomach tightened at the sight of him being like that. He seemed so lonely, and I hated it.
I quietly closed the door behind me and slowly made my way to the bed. I hesitated for a moment; should I take a seat or just stand? Would he want me to lay beside him? The truth is, I missed touching him. Yesterday I didn't see him until he came home pretty late and still, one hug that lasted only one minute wasn't enough. And I didn't have him by my side for the night. So I felt kind of...distant from him.
"Harry?" I called gently, fidgeting with my fingers in front of my chest as I leaned a little forward.
"What is it?" he asked lowly, carelessly, sounding like he wasn't in a mood to talk. His raspy voice brought a lump to my throat.
"I want to tell you...something." I muttered, and I saw his back tensing. I swallowed down the lump, waiting for a few seconds to listen to his reply, but he didn't answer.
I hesitantely took a seat on the edge of his bed and moved closer to him. I layed down on my side and propped myself on my elbow to look at the side of his face. He was staring ahead, bags under his eyes, messy hair gathered on his forehead and falling in front of his dim, pale green eyes and pale skin. I could tell he didn't sleep at all. My heart sank with worry for my Harry that suffered for the whole night..
"Harry.." I sighed. "I know that..what I did yesterday seemed like I did it because I didn't care..But I assure you, I wasn't anything like that. I just.." I shook my head gently and looked down at his bicep. "I knew that you have to face your problems on your own. I can't always be there to fight for your right when you are the one that has to do it."
I stood silent for a couple of seconds. Yet he didn't speak at all. I glanced at the side of his face to see him staring ahead, a blank expression on his face.
I rambled on. "I always cared about you. I always wanted you safe, Harry. I never thought of letting you down, even though I've been hurt..." I trailed off. I dared to place my hand on his shoulder, feeling his muscles tensing underneath. "It's time to go on your own when it comes to these kind of situations...I know it's hard for you..I know you're not used to it. But that's how life is. And you have to accept that."
Silence for a few more seconds, and still no answer.
I leaned down and pressed my lips against his shoulder, feeling him tensing even more. I heard him taking a deep breath, still not saying a word to me. I pulled my lips back only inches away from his skin.
"And I want you to remember that I love you. So much..." I murmured before pressing one more faint kiss on his shoulder.
I got off the bed and made my way to the door, hoping he will stop me and talk to me. My hand wrapped around the door knob and I came to a halt for a few more seconds. Please say something. Please talk to me. However, no words were exchanged as I opened the door and stepped out of the room, letting my small source of hope to be destroyed.
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A/N: Next chapter is going to be Harry's POV and you will get some answers, spoilers are everywhere, keep your eyes open! Great chapters are coming and of course the big end!
Also, if you're having a bad day, go watch the boys' interview on the Late Late Show because it's sooo funny and you will see them play dodgeball! It's amazing and hillarious!
Thank you for all the feedback, you guys are amaaaaaazing!! Love you lotsssss xx