Saying it out loud made it more realistic. He paused as he said the words then looked to his friend. Harry didn't look as surprised as he thought.
"Okay continue." Harry says with a blank face.
Confused Zayn squinted his eyes. "Thats it? Continue? You're not going to scream at me or something?" He questions.
"Well no. Honestly it was only a matter of time before you guys did but anyways go ahead..." Harry mentioned.
Zayn just rolled his eyes because yet again Harry was right. "Okayyy... well after he kissed me I pulled away but without thinking I kissed him back and we-" he stops. He hasn't even said this out loud. Yeah he had thought and broken down about it, but to say it meant actually coming to terms with it. He inhaled "We uh ended up havingsex..." he mumbled the last part exhaling.
Harry nodded his head. Even though he technically called it out he didn't expect that from his friend. Zayn always talked about how he wanted his first time to mean something. Seeing how he struggled to say it he went to comfort his friend. He knew it was such a sensitive topic to him so he spoke softly. "And then..."
He fidgeted his fingers, eyes blurring with tears then continued. "Well um... after we uh- did it he said "This didn't happen." and then I left. I don't know why I just felt like for one second I wasn't an object." He burst. The tears started streaming down his face. "Everything he said was so sincere in that moment. He asked if it was okay to continue and I just said yes. I left then came home and I already knew you were asleep so I didn't call. Then yesterday we met with a PR manager before the mall." He cried out.
Harry continued rubbing circles on Zayns back. "And the holding hands?" Harry questions.
"We were arguing and Liam saw someone notice us pulling out their phone so he pulled me into a hug. They snapped the picture in time and posted it to a blog sight. Immediately Niall the PR guy texted us. Liam wanted to keep up the act so then he grabbed my hand and we made our way to you." Zayn said.
"Ah..." Harry only nodded.
"Then when we left the mall and came here. He helped bring in the gifts and we started talking about the night before. He uh- well he asked if he had hurt me the night before and I said no but I told him it was my first time... He was asking if I was okay and I just got caught up and kissed him. Then we had sex again..." he drug out.
It didn't even sound real to him. Twice in a row? "he slept over though. He left this morning and right now he's golfing with his dad and mine." He lets out wiping his face again. Harry patted his friend once more and moved to sit in front of him again.
"So how do you feel about all of it?" Harry asked.
"I don't really know." he wiped his falling tears again. "Ugh..." he sighed. He wasn't even blinking much but they just kept running. "Part of me just feels kinda empty and the other well... I don't know."
"Do you like him Zayn?" Harry said with more serious.
"I-I don't know. No... Maybe but I ju- I really don't know." He looked down in defeat.
"Because it's okay if you do you know?" Harry reassured him.
"Is it though? How is any of this even okay? I have no control over what my parents decided." Zayn wondered.
"I mean fair. I know this is all such a mess right now, but do you know what you can control? How you truly feel and if that means liking him then oh well..."
Zayn doesn't say anything just stares blankly ahead.
"You know... no one can blame you if you did. You grew up together. Maybe those feelings have always been there." Harry tries to reason
"Maybe yeah but... We didn't even get along." Zayn shakes his head.
"Well they say we're attracted to people who recreate the emotional experiences we had as children." Harry explains.
"Did your Psychologically classes just finally come in handy?" Zayn said letting out a tiny tear filled chuckle.
Harry was a photography major with a minor in psychology. He had always been fascinated in the way the human mind worked so he took up the study as a minor. Zayn too was impressed because anything he did his friend would dissect, much like he is now, and was almost always right.
"Right so you just basically diagnosed me and you're saying I'm attracted to him because we grew up together?" Zayn sarcastically said his eyes still damp with a rosy tint on his cheeks.
"No. Not just that necessarily. I think it has a part in it, but what I'm saying is maybe it's the not getting along aspect that you're attracted to. The feeling of always wanting to have been accepted by him but always being dismissed." He said going into more details.
"So I'm attracted to a bully ideally. Gotcha." Zayn said earning a frustrated sigh from his friend.
"Zayn." Harry rolled his eyes.
"I know sorry. I get it though... I remember growing up always trying to get his approval and us getting into arguments." Zayn frowned.
"I think too there's a sense of comfort when thinking about your childhood self so when you guys argue about things it takes you back to that time as kids which invokes that feeling of safety. You did feel safe with him right?" Harry questions.
"Y-yeah I guess..." Zayn looked off into the distance still trying to wrap his head around all this.
"Since your families are close and are always around each other I think the both of you just internalized all those feelings and in turn antagonized the other. Naturally we deflect these feelings." Harry spoke intellectually. Good thing they were getting their degrees soon because Harry definitely earned his. Zayn thought.
"You think he feels the same?" Zayn asked at His friends statement
"Have you asked?" Harry raised his brow.
"No and I'm not going to." Zayn huffed.
"I really think you should though. I can't speak for him, but I do think he feels some type of way otherwise he wouldn't have kissed you." Harry shakes head.
"Things are already complicated enough as it is I just can't he basically said it didn't mean anything to him. It was heat of the moment thing..." Zayn let's out not sure if he even believed his own words.
Harry sighed. He knew this wouldn't get anywhere either. He said what he needed to and with that the subject was changed.