I huffed because of the standstill traffic before me. It was 7am on a Friday so traffic was expected, but I never experienced anything this slow before.
Cars were honking and swerving into lanes to bypass the 18-wheeler collision ahead, but that only caused for more cars to pile up and my attitude to worsen.
I studied the time on the dashboard of my Porsche to see that I've already been stuck in this traffic for 12 minutes now. Per the itinerary, Angel's flight was set to land in the next 10 minutes and I was nowhere near the airport.
I huffed again and made myself comfortable in the driver's seat since I'll be waiting for awhile. The radio volume was to a minimum, leaving me alone with my thoughts. A frown rested on my face as I once again thought about Jay.
It's been two weeks since I was at his hotel. Thankfully, that was the last time I've seen or heard from him.
I've been upset with myself since. Upset because I felt guilty. Upset because I loved it so much.
He pleasured my body as if he knew it would be the last time; which it would be. I could no longer disrespect a man I planned on spending the rest of my life with. Just the thought of ever telling Josh the truth made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't do that.
I was unsure why my mind was on Jay, but he seemed to be all I can think about since I left his hotel room with a sudden limp in my walk.
____
flashback, two weeks ago
The sound of their skin colliding was the only thing that could be heard throughout the room besides B's moans.
They've been at it for 20 minutes, but it felt like hours to them. She was already worn out, but her pussy throbbed for more.
Jay slowed his pace to wrap her legs over his shoulder. She gasped when he roughly slid back in and pinned her arms down to her side.
"You gonna stop ignoring me? Huh B?"
The mixture of pain and pleasure had her at a loss for words. She nodded with tears in her eyes. "Yes Jay!"
He grunted, "Mhm, say it again!"
"I'm sorry for ignoring you. I promise I won't do it again, just please —"
Her legs began to tremble as she came for the second time. Jay smirked with satisfaction. Seeing her beautiful face scrunched up with tears was art to him.
He unpinned her arms and kissed her tears away. It was an intimate moment between them that she knew she shouldn't be enjoying, but she couldn't help it.
The memories from their childhood came to mind as she stared into his eyes. She thought about how bad he hurt her, but how much she truly loved and cared for him still.
More tears fell, causing Jay to grip her cheeks and passionately kiss her lips. "Will you ever forgive me? Let me show you that I'm different B, please.."
She didn't know what to say. Instead, she ignored him and stroked his condom-wrapped dick that was covered in her juices. Jay watched as her cream dripped onto the bedding. Without him saying anything, she turned over and hiked her ass in the air.
Jay smiled knowing that she wanted more. He enjoyed the sight of the perfect peach in front of him. He slapped her ass cheeks a few times before sliding in.
She hissed and reached for something to hold onto as he pounded into her showing no remorse. She loved being fucked roughly, but she couldn't take anymore of the brutal damage to her kitty.
Ignoring the pain, she threw it back on him to match his rhythm. Jay shook his head in amazement and gripped her hips, watching the waves of her ass every time it slammed against his pelvis.
He could already feel the urge to nut, but it was feeling too good to pull out just yet. Taking control, he mounted one leg to give him enough leverage to fuck her even harder.
"Gahdamn B!" She heard him say. He knew he was fucking her wild, but he loved that she was taking the dick with no complaints.
"Mm, you're in my stomach, but it feels so good. Don't stop!" He obeyed her orders but felt himself about to cum. He was disappointed that he wasn't lasting as long as he usually would. Good pussy will do that, he thought to himself. The thought of her going home to Josh made him feel a sudden build up of anger. Gripping her hips, he met her rhythm and took complete control.
Her body shook as he continuously hit her spot. He ignored her pleads and reached forward to cover her mouth with one hand and pull her hair with the other.
"Shh, don't try to run from me now. I'm almost there ma. You can take it."
"You're tooooo deep Jay!"
He loosened his grip and grabbed ahold of her waist. "Fuck ma, I don't wanna pull out. This shit so good."
Even though they were protected by the condom, she knew the consequences of that and didn't need history to repeat itself. They both panted. His deep thrusts let her know he would bust soon and she wasn't too far behind. "Pull out please!" She reminded him.
Jay ignored her and bit down on his bottom lip with his eyes closed. She was so warm and tight; he never wanted to leave.
He felt in heaven but quickly came back to reality when he felt her hand pushing against his abdomen.
"Fuck!" He yelled, pulling out and busting inside of the condom. As much as he unloaded, it caused for his legs to shake immediately after.
He kissed up her back once he was done. Her body slightly shook at his touch. They laid there to catch their breathes until Beyoncé finally found the strength to sit up.
She hissed at the initial pain in her vagina upon movement but continued to retrieve her clothing from the floor.
"I'm leaving.." She said to Jay with no emotions being shown.
Hearing her say that caused for his heart to drop in the pit of his stomach. In his mind, he knew it would be the last time. She would go home and block him as if nothing happened. He had caught onto her schemes already.
"Do you have to?" He asked against his own pride. He was willing to push his ego aside when it came to her.
She failed to look his way once she was fully dressed and ready to leave. Before she could exit the door, Jay grabbed ahold of her arm.
"Where does that leave us?"
She sighed, "Our time was nice, but I can't revert back to you... this. Thank you for giving me Angel, but that's all it'll ever be between us."
____
present
The movement of traffic snapped me back into reality and I continued onto the airport. I let out a sigh and turned up the volume of the music to help drown out my thoughts. Just thinking about my recklessness had me feeling down, but I had to mask it for Angel.
I made it to the terminal pickup area and noticed him right away waiting for me. He approached the car and placed his belongings inside before joining me.
"Sup mama?" His beautiful smile put a smile on my face. I leaned over and pulled him into my embrace.
"I missed you sooo much!"
"I missed you too," He said with a chuckle while pulling away, "You got a new hair color?"
I ran my hands through my hair in a playful manner. I had gotten my hair recolored and trimmed by my hairstylist just the day before and was so in love with it.
"Is it obvious?"
"Looks very nourished and a shade darker. You had blonde hair when you was younger too?"
I nodded and headed for the exit, "My mom owned a beauty salon so I experimented with color at a young age."
"Word? How come I've never seen photos of you when you were younger?"
"Well, you haven't asked," I laughed a little, "I should
have some throwbacks at home somewhere. I'll show you later."
We shared a brief silence before he reached for my phone and pressed the forward button on the playlist that was currently on shuffle.
I gasped, "Excuse you? That was Jazmine Sullivan!"
"People only listen to music like this if they're sad. Are you?"
He looked at me, "Why can't I just love R&B music? That's all I listen to."
"Lies. I've heard you listening to Durk, Fivio, Baby, all that."
I playfully rolled my eyes. I definitely have a thing for trap music, but I love my slow jams as well. He was right though. Sad music was my go to whenever I felt down and I was feeling terrible right now.
"Seriously, you good?" He asked.
"Hun, I promise I am!" I said with a little laughter to keep him from worrying, "I'm just a little jet lagged from work. Plus, I want you to meet someone and I'm a little nervous about it."
"Who is this someone?"
"My best friend. Her name is Kelly. I was hoping you were hungry; we're meeting her for lunch."
Angel nodded, "That's cool."
We made it to the restaurant and I took a few minutes to touch up my makeup. If it was so obvious for Angel to notice I was in a bad mood, I know Kelly would definitely notice.
"Ready?" I asked him. He nodded and led the way inside.
I was excited for Angel and Kelly to meet for the first time. Seeing Kelly's face light up at the sight of him put the biggest smile on my face. She pulled him in for a hug and stared him up and down.
"B, he's your twin!" She exclaimed as we sat across from her in the booth.
I gave my son a smile, "We get that a lot."
Angel was a little thrown off by our excitement, so I informed him on the history of Kelly and I's friendship. He fully understood when I told him Kelly was by my side during my entire pregnancy.
We briefly stopped the small talk to look over the menu. I had a taste for Salmon so I ordered the entree with a glass of white wine to get a richer, fuller taste.
"So how is the wedding planning going?" Kelly asked.
"It's more stressful than I thought," I said with a sigh, "But it's exciting. I can't wait to find the perfect dress."
"When you plan on doing this? I want to be there with you."
"Soon; Whenever I can get a clear schedule."
"Angel, are you excited for the wedding?" Kelly asked.
I never questioned how Angel felt about my engagement so I was intrigued to hear his answer.
He looked away from his phone and nodded, "I'm excited for her, really. Josh seems to be a great dude and she deserves happiness after all she's been through."
"Aw baby, thank you!" I cooed. I was happy to have his approval, but I couldn't deny how more guilty it made me feel.
I couldn't shake the feeling so I took a couple of sips of wine that turned into me finishing the entire glass. I noticed the odd stares from Kelly and simply looked away in hopes she wouldn't question me.
"Are you okay?" She asked once Angel disappeared into the men's bathroom.
"I'm fine."
"I can't tell. I mention the wedding and your whole mood changes. Is it Josh?"
"Kelly," I said with a sigh, "It's nothing, seriously.."
She looked down at her unfinished food, "We've been friends since toddlers and this the only time I have sensed that you're lying to me."
I could feel my eyes watering knowing that I was keeping this secret from my best friend and fiancé. I'm engaged and sleeping with another man. How could I ever be honest with them? How would that make me look?
I nervously caressed the back of my neck as I thought about exposing the truth to my girl. Of all people I felt comfortable being open and vulnerable with Kelly, but I knew that she would be disappointed in me.
"I don't want to worry you. I promise Josh and I are fine, but planning this wedding is very stressful on the both of us."
She gave me a look as if she didn't believe me, but didn't mention anything else about it. Angel returned from the bathroom and we shifted the conversation. Once we were done eating, we left out of the restaurant and began to go our separate ways until Kelly pulled me aside.
"Be honest with me B... It isn't Josh, is it?"
"What are you talking about? I'm fine Kelly."
"Something is different about you... I don't know what it is... But you know you can always talk to me, right?"
I nodded and bit down on my bottom lip. I know I can always confide in Kelly for anything, but this was different. Infidelity is wrong, but infidelity with a man that has put me through the worst trauma was extremely wrong!
"I know..." I mumbled, "But I promise everything's okay." We stared at one another and I caressed her shoulder, "I love you! I'm going to spend some time with Angel. I'll call you later!"
__________
I tossed and turned for most of the night and found myself wide awake at 7am because I couldn't sleep.
Seeing Josh sleeping peacefully in bed next to me made me kind of jealous. To avoid waking him, I slipped out of bed and headed downstairs to start my morning coffee.
I didn't have anything planned for the day but I honestly just wanted to relax without being bothered. My own thoughts were depressing me and I couldn't seem to shake off the weary feeling.
Being honest with my man was on my heart heavy, but I couldn't stand to see Josh upset with me. Most importantly, I didn't want to tell him anything that'll cause us to break things off.
This secret of mine will have to stay a secret for as long as I let it, but it was already hard trying to do so. I continuously thought about Jay and all of the what ifs. If Josh wasn't in the picture, would I be able to take him back? But what about all of the past trauma? That would never be easy for me to forget.
I shook my head at myself for even thinking Jay and I could ever be a thing again. Maybe he feels the same since he haven't texted or called like he usually would. That should've been a good thing in my eyes, but I found myself checking my phone periodically with hopes he was trying to get in touch with me.
"What you thinking about?" I heard from behind. I then felt arms wrap around my waist and sweet kisses being placed on the back of my neck.
I turned and gave Josh a warm smile before tucking my head into his chest. His natural scent always turned me on. I couldn't help but to pucker my lips until his connected.
"Morning," I greeted while running my hands under the white tee he wore, "Someone slept good."
"I did. Why you got out of bad so early? That's unusual for you."
"I know... I couldn't sleep so I made some coffee and was about to lay across the sofa and finish watching Raising Kanan since someone finished without me."
He chuckled, "Oh yeah... My bad. I found another series we can binge together though. Can you make me some coffee please?"
"Mhm, like mine or?"
"Yeah, just like yours."
I rolled my eyes when he slapped my ass. I felt terrible when my mind went to Jay and our last encounter. Wow, I truly fucked up.
After making his coffee, we laid on the couch together. As I watched TV, he checked his emails and wrote out contracts for his business.
I thought about waking Angel but that boy was not a morning person at all; just like his father. It was best I let him sleep in or he would have an attitude with the entire world.
"Y'all have any plans for today?" Josh asked.
I shook my head, "Nope, whatever Angel wants to do. Madison spending the weekend here, right?"
"Yeah. Her mom should be dropping her off around noon. I was hoping we could all spend some time together if that's cool with you and Angel. She wants to go to the amusement park."
"Sounds fun. She's been talking about going for weeks."
Josh smiled, "Right. You think Angel will be cool with it? I know he's a man and all, and probably don't wanna do kid shit."
"Trust me, he's a kid at heart. I'm sure he'll be fine with it baby, but I'll ask him to be sure."
"Cool. Speaking of kids...let's make one."
My eyes widened as I stared at the smirk on his face. The thought of having another child haven't crossed my mind since I connected with Angel. Even though I opened up to Josh about my past, pregnancy still seemed a little traumatic for me.
"Baby..." I gave him a look.
"What? One day, right? I want a mini you running around here."
"I know baby, and it'll happen when it should. Seeing you being a father to Madison gives me all the faith that you'll be an amazing father to our child, but I'm still healing from my first one."
Josh sat back and softly caressed my feet as we shared a few seconds of silence. He didn't show it, but I could sense that he was a bit frustrated.
"I get it..." He mumbled. I wasn't so sure about his response and I could tell that he wasn't so sure of himself either. As much as I wanted to question it further, I decided not to to avoid an unnecessary argument.
We watched Raising Kanan in silence until Angel finally joined us an hour later. He descended from the stairs still yawning and wiping the sleep from his eyes.
"Good morning!" Josh and I said in unison.
Angel plopped down on the other side of me, "Morning.. I slept so good. I didn't want to get up."
"I thought you would've slept in a bit longer."
"I would have, but I got a call from Jay and decided to answer. I couldn't go back to sleep after that."
Hearing his name made me suddenly take a deep breath. Aside from our encounters, I was glad to know that Angel was finally giving him a chance.
Deciding to change the subject, I asked Angel about his interest in going to the amusement park. His eyes lit up just like I thought it would; Just like me, he was still a kid at heart.
After agreeing to go, Josh sparked a conversation about working out so they left to go to the nearest gym. I was grateful to finally enjoy my show in peace, but that didn't seem to last long.
I heard knocks at the front door alerting me that Madison was finally here. I paused the show and opened the door to see her and her mother, Sabrina.
We never had the best relationship but we were always cordial for Madison and Josh. He hated that we couldn't get along, but I sometimes couldn't look past all of Sabrina's pettiness and sly remarks. I vowed to keep the peace to avoid stressing my man out.
"Hi Madi!" I greeted, dropping down to her level to give her a hug.
"Hi BB! I missed you!"
"I miss you more love. You can put your things in your room. Your dad should be back soon."
She ran upstairs and I looked towards Sabrina for the rest of her bags, "Does she have a swimsuit?"
"Swimsuit for what?"
I sighed, "The amusement park? Josh didn't tell you?"
"No, he didn't. We didn't discuss those things in our last phone call, besides.. Where is he anyways? He said he would be here."
I bit down on my bottom lip to prevent lashing out at her. Her attitude and tone was so unnecessary at times.
"He's at the gym. We're going to the amusement park once he gets back. I just wanted to be sure she had everything packed, but I'll take care of it."
"Or Josh can take care of it. Also, I don't want her hair to get wet. I just washed it a few days ago."
"Understandable, but I can always wash her hair... Like I have before."
Sabrina sucked her teeth, "Can you at least use the products in her bag? The last time you washed her hair, it dried out fast. Dryness isn't good for her curls."
I understand she's being a mother, but I've been caring for Madison for 6 years now. She always acted as if I was clueless due to my "history" of not having children of my own.
I simply brushed it off as I usually would, "Anything else?"
"Um, yeah. No snacks or phones after 8pm. I'm not sure what goes on in your household, but I'll like for her to abide by the same rules in my home. I'll be picking her up Sunday evening. Josh knows already."
"K, see ya." I said before closing the door in her face while rolling my eyes. She always gave rules as if Josh didn't have his own. I didn't like to come in between their parenting so I stayed out of it.
__________
Our day at the amusement park was filled with tons of laughter and a great time. Most importantly, Madison enjoyed it. Since we all were hungry, we ate at the food court inside the park. While Josh paid for our meals, I found a table for us to sit at.
"BB, I had so much fun! When can we do it again?" Madison questioned excitedly.
"Hmm, I don't know. We'll have to ask your dad."
Josh and Angel returned to the table with our food and drinks. While we ate, Madison did most of the talking.
"So, Angel are you my brother now?" She asked, "I always wanted a brother or sister."
I chuckled and looked towards Angel for his response. "Yeah, and guess what? I always wanted a lil' sister. So I guess we both got what we wanted."
"Yup, I want a sister too. Daddy, can I have a sister?"
He eyed me before repeatedly pecking my cheek, "Yeah, whenever BB is ready to have her."
I wanted to punch him for saying that. He knew Madison would never let it die down. Now, she'll ask me for a sister every chance she gets.
Thankfully Josh didn't speak of it again. He wrapped his arm around me and looked at the kids, "Someone have a birthday coming up."
"Who?" Angel and Madison asked in unison. I smiled knowing he was talking about me.
"This beauty next to me."
"Wow, I feel bad that I never thought to ask about your birthday," Angel mumbled, "We gotta turn up ma. What you have planned?"
I shrugged. I'll be turning 34 with no plans in mind. I never been the one to do it big on my birthday. I loved the simple things. Being around people I love meant the most to me.
"You deserve to celebrate your day in the biggest way." Angel added.
Josh nodded his head in agreement, "I say you take some much needed time off. We can go to Jamaica or Cabo for a week. You've always talked about going there."
"As long as all of you are there," I said to them, "Angel do you have a passport?"
"Nah, I don't. I need to get one huh?"
"Yes, but I'll handle it baby. It'll probably take forever doing it the normal way. I can see if I can pull some strings."
The remainder of the week consisted of spending my time with Angel, but he spent more time getting to know me.
I showed him plenty of throwback pictures from my childhood and the one photo with Jay seemed to be the one he enjoyed staring at most.
"I love this picture," He said moreso to himself, "Y'all looked so cool. What's the context behind this picture?"
"Well, it was homecoming week and there was a pep rally. We won homecoming king and queen that year."
"Can I keep it?"
I studied him. He seemed excited to have the photo in his possession so I said yes. "You like it that much?" I asked jokingly.
He chuckled, "Yeah, I do actually. Plus, it'll be nice to have memories of my birth parents. Y'all seemed like the coolest couple back then judging by these pictures. I hate you had to go through the pregnancy alone though."
I sighed, "Me too, but I'm glad to have you here with me. I love you so much."
I pecked his forehead and we continued to look through old photos that I kept in a box locked away safely.
"I want you to have something else..." I said to him. I pulled out the diary I kept at the very bottom of the box. I hadn't touched it in awhile so it accumulated dust. I wiped it away before handing the diary to him.
He looked at it from all angles, "What's this?"
"My personal diary that I dedicated to you. Open it."
I watched as he opened it and a pair of ultrasound pictures fell out. "This me?" I nodded and smiled as he began reading the first page outloud.
"My Pregnancy Journey... Dedicated to my one and only, Angel..."
Tears welled in my eyes as he continued to read. I could remember my exact location and what I was feeling when I wrote the first page.
He flipped through pages, smiling at all of the emoticons I used to draw out.
"Mom, this is truly special to me. And you're letting me keep this? I—I can't take this. This is for you."
"Baby, I wrote all of those pages to you. This is for you to keep. Everything I've written is engraved in my brain forever. Even if I wanted to forget it all, I can't. But I give you this to show you how much I loved you even before I knew your gender. I knew God put you in my life for a reason."
He hugged me tightly, making the tears fall down my cheek. When we pulled away, I noticed he was crying too.
I wiped his tears, "Why are you crying?"
"I just can't believe you went through so much just to have me. That just makes me love you even more. I'm sorry ma."
"I love you more, and it's okay. I'm finally healing from it all. I hope this diary can answer a few of your questions that I haven't been able to answer."
He nodded, "I'll keep this forever, I promise."
"Please do. Have you and Jay been able to talk?"
"Actually, we have. I want to be upset with him forever because of the way he did us, but... I can't lie, he's been trying and I can tell he wants to be active in my life so I'm not going to push him away. My heart won't allow it."
That made me extremely happy to know he was giving Jay a chance and I know Jay is just as happy. I hugged him once more before kissing his forehead.
"I'm proud of you. I hope you guys can grow a bond.. Jay is an amazing guy that made some mistakes — we all have."
Angel looked at me, "Are you and him cool now? I know we went to Miami together but I didn't see y'all talking much."
"Um," I said as I quickly thought of a response, "Jay and I are cordial, yes. It's all a part of the healing process."
Angel didn't need to know anything further than that, but it made me feel even worse than before that I was keeping this secret.
I heard my phone vibrate in my pocket and took a second to look at it. Seeing the text from Maybe: Jay made my heart stop. Speaking of the devil.
Angel and I finished looking at the pictures then decided to join Josh and Madison for a movie night. I waited until I was in the bathroom alone to open the text.
Maybe: Jay
I miss you
7:19 pm
__________
Hey y'all! Sorry that I mistakenly published this chapter without being completely done with it.
I struggled hard on this update. Honestly, I have a love/hate relationship with this story now. I'm unsure how I want things to turn out but overall, I know y'all enjoy it so I'll try to do my best to finish writing for this story.
I'm definitely open to anything new. So if you have refreshing story ideas, let me know ❤️
Sorry if this chapter was boring and slow. I haven't been in my writing bag lately☹️
Please be sure to vote and comment! Thanks for always supporting me.