Chapter 4
I opened my eyes as I remembered our first meeting.
He used to always be there for me when I needed someone. When everyone turned down on me, he stood in front of me, never minding all what people were saying to me.
Instead of treating me like how people treat me, he believes in me.
But his love for me was not unconditional until he cheated on me.
"Kape ka muna, mukhang ilang araw ka nang hindi nakakatulog nang maayos." Avhril handed me a coffee.
Agad ko iyong kinuha. I am at the veranda of my condo. Tama naman siya. Ilang araw na talaga akong walang maayos na tulog.
"Ang dami ko lang iniisip,"
She sighed. "What's your final decision, Ocean?"
I then faced her. "Avhril, if you were me… what's going to be your decision?"
"If I were you… then I'll choose no. Because, of course! I will never risk my heart even if it's temporary only. And that's the point. It was temporary. And I rather got bitten by the shark than to let them use me as a toy."
"That makes sense…" I said while looking from afar. "I'll talk to Kuya Alas later and I will tell him that I'll say no to his offer."
"But to be frank with you, mahirap talagang malagay sa sitwasyong ito. Your heart is 50/50 here, at ang puso mo mismo ang tinataya mo rito. But… Silas really needs help."
My brows furrowed. "I thought it's a no for you?"
"But come to think of it, you'll just pretend… and nothing's going to happen. Let's say it will just take 1 month until he recovers."
Umiling ako. "What if it takes a year?"
"Then, uhm…" hindi na siya naka-imik pa.
Napairap ako sa hangin at bumuntonghininga. Seriously, ipit na ipit na ako. All of them were pushing me to accept Kuya Alas's favor. Wala manlang maka-intindi kung anong magiging lagay ko nito.
Even if it's not their intention to use me, still… the thought of it was there.
"Good morning! How's the manuscript?" Silas asked me when we met another day.
We were now practicing our lines for the roleplay. Nagsimula na kaming mag-ensayo para sa mga lines namin. Sa friday na ang performance namin para dito at mahaba naman ang binigay sa aming oras para mag practice.
"Noong sinabi mong mahal mo ako… totoo ba iyon?"
I read my lines and I mixed it up with my full emotions. My eyes were kinda blurry because of the tears that were about to fall down.
Yumuko si Silas, kagaya ng nasa script niya. When we finished practicing our lines, he then clapped his hands.
"Wow! You act so great and with so much emotion! You can be an actress." biro niya pa.
I shook my head. "Nah, it's not my thing."
"But why?"
I shrugged. "It's just that… I'm afraid of crowds… I'm afraid to be popular… I'm afraid to be talked to by so many people."
Napawi ang ngiti niya at nakita kong bumagsak ang balikat niya.
"I'm so sorry," he slowly said.
But then, I immediately raised my head. Today is not the day to make some drama.
"Kumain ka na?" he asked me after a couple of minutes.
Umiling ako. "No, I still don't know where the cafeteria is—"
Nagulat ako nang bigla niyang hinigit ang braso ko.
"Halika, sabay na tayo…"
Napaawang ang labi ko sandali, pero sa huli ay sumama na din ako sa kanya. Nang dumaan kami sa hallway, agad kaming pinagtinginan at pinagbulungan ng mga tao.
I felt bad for Silas. He doesn't have to do this. Okay na iyong mag practice kami sandali para sa roleplay. Pero ang gawin niya ito… sobra na.
I don't want him to get in trouble because of me, ayokong makonsensya. Ayokong may ibang taong madamay dahil lang sa gulo ng pamilya ko.
"Anong gusto mo? My treat." Silas told me, nakapila na kami ngayon sa cafeteria.
"Huwag na,"
His brows furrowed. "Bawal tumanggi sa grasya, sige ka."
Halos irapan ko siya. He makes me guilty, huh? Kaya wala na akong nagawa at hinayaan nalang siyang ilibre ako.
"Ano bang nakain ni Silas at nakikipag-usap pa rin sa babaeng 'yan?"
"Don't tell me they were friends? Oh no, my baby Silas is in trouble."
"Baka ginayuma ni Caiazzo!"
I can't eat because I can hear the student's noise just beside our table. Halatang nilalakasan para marinig ko. Meanwhile, Silas, on the other hand, seems to hear it but he doesn't mind it at all.
Bakit ba parang wala lang sa kanya?
Tumayo na ako at handa nang umalis nang mag-angat ng tingin sa'kin si Silas.
"Wait, where are you going?" he eat faster because he saw me about to leave already.
"Aren't you scared, Silas? That you might get into trouble because of me?" I asked him, kinda irritated right now.
Binaba niya ang kinakain niya, sandali din siyang natigilan. Halatang nag-iingat ang mga kilos niya.
"I don't care,"
"But why?" My brows furrowed.
He shrugged. "Other people's opinion is not important to me,"
"But it's not just an opinion, it's a fact. You know it in the first place, yet you still talk to me and… act like we're friends."
"I'm not scared to talk to you. Bakit? Ano bang dapat na ikatakot ko? Wala, hindi ba? That's why I don't understand these people…" he shook his head, obviously disappointed.
I cleared my throat. "You know my family is a mess. Napatalsik ako sa school kaya ako nagpalipat dito—"
"Are you the one who made that mess?" he asked frankly.
Umiling ako.
"But my dad and mom are,"
"At ikaw ba sila para iwasan ko?"
Umiling ulit ako.
He then sighed. "That's the point, Oceana. It's not you who made that mess, that's why I shouldn't be avoiding you, I mean, they shouldn't avoid you in the first place and act like you did some crime."
Napatulala ako sa sinabi niya. Alam kong may punto siya roon kaya wala na akong nasabi pa. Kakaiba siya sa mga estudyante rito. His mind was open and wide, unlike those students who are closed minded.
"If you ever doubt yourself again, just look at the mirror and ask yourself if you did something wrong and if you didn't, then there's no point in doubting yourself."
His words were like an enchanting melody to me, like a melody of the song that was really soothing to my ears.
"You lied to me! You fooled me! You didn't ever love me at all!"
After we practised our lines again, sa café agad kami dumiretso and it was his treat again.
"Do you think we will win? I doubt that. Even the teachers were afraid to look at me or even talk to me. Ni hindi nila ako tinatawag sa mga recitations." sabi ko.
He sighed. "And that's unprofessionalism."
I nodded. "Minsan naiisip ko kung ano bang nagawa ko? What did I do to deserve this kind of thing?"
"You didn't do anything. It's not you who has a problem, it's them and their close mind." Silas assured me.
"You're too good to be true," I chuckled.
He chuckled with his deep voice. "But it's the truth,"
"I wonder what you need from me and you're acting like this," I then drink my coffee.
"Oceana, not at all people who did something good to you were asking for a return. Not all people were like that." he said.
I nodded. "Alam ko, I just can't help but to doubt."
"Naiintindihan kita,"
"Salamat, and sorry if I were doubting you. I know that you're really kind to me."
Well, sana nga.
Huwebes na ngayon at kinabukasan na ang performance namin. Even in front of the mirror, I am practicing my lines. I need to convince the teachers and the students about my emotions. I didn't have trouble showing my emotions because Silas was there to help me.
"If we win and get the highest score, I will treat you to a fancy restaurant." he said, like he was promising to me.
Tumawa ako. "You don't need to,"
"But I guess we deserve those things after all our hard work,"
"I doubt we'll win because of me. I mean, our storyline was great, but to think that almost all students hate me…" I overthink again.
"Oceana, what did I tell you when you're starting to doubt again?"
"Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you did anything wrong," I almost memorized it already because he never forgot to remind me.
Kinabukasan, oras na para sa aming roleplay. I was really nervous. I just wear a maroon slit dress to match our roleplay.
After watching our classmate's performance, mas lalo akong kinabahan. Ganito talaga kapag kayo ang huli. Dala dala mo ang pressure sa katawan mo.
And when it's our turn, we didn't hear any cheers and claps, unlike what we heard from our classmate's performance.
We stood on the stage already and started to act. There was no narrator because this roleplay will leave a cliffhanger at the end.
We act as strangers until we become friends and turn into lovers. Our relationship was healthy not until we finished college and became busy with our own career. We love each other here, but an incident occurs that makes our love twisted. I thought Silas cheated on me, but he didn't and it was all a misunderstanding.
The moral lesson of this story was to communicate with your love, never lose your connection with them. Always talk to them when we have some time.
And at the end of the story, they become together again.
After we finished the roleplay, we heard a loud silence instead of getting cheered and applause. Even our teacher didn't react to us.
"Boooo!"
"Panget naman! Sayang lang si Silas!"
"Her acting was so gross, oh my God!"
"Loser girl, if it weren't Silas, walang wala roleplay n'yo!"
I remained silent. My hands started to tremble but I immediately stopped myself. I could already feel like I am going to vomit because my stomach aches a lot, this must be because I'm too nervous.
I bit my lower lip. I played with my hands under the hem of my dress.
I saw my classmates crumbling some papers and throwing them at me while they were laughing their asses off.
"Boom, deserved! Such a loser! You don't deserve it in our school! You're such a shame!"
"You're not welcome here at all, bitch. Just leave!"
They were still throwing me some papers, that's why I closed my eyes. But my brows furrowed when I suddenly couldn't feel a paper being thrown at me.
That's when I saw Silas, he stood in front of me and they had already stopped throwing some papers at me.
"Tabi d'yan Silas! The roleplay is over. Don't come near the woman again!"
But Silas didn't leave. He stayed there until our classmates totally stopped from throwing papers. Meanwhile, our teacher was just watching for us.
Nang hindi ko na nakayanan, agad akong tumakbo papasok sa cr. I immediately opened the cubicle and I vomited there until I was totally empty.
Napaupo ako sa sahig ng banyo. Hinawakan ko ang buhok ko at paulit ulit iyong sinabunutan. I am such a mess right now.
Hindi ako makatayo na para bang tuluyan na akong nawalan ng lakas. I feel really empty and drained. Namumutla na din ako malamang sa dami ng sinuka ko.
I heard footsteps , that's why I immediately fixed myself. It was Silas. Agad siyang lumapit sa akin at inalay ang kamay niya para patayuin ako.
I didn't get his hands. I remained sitting there like I was a lost girl.
"Kaya ko ang sarili ko," mataman kong sabi sa kanya.
I heard him just sighed. Tumayo na ako ng kusa at maglalakad na sana nang muntikan akong madulas sa sahig. But Silas immediately caught me in his arms.
Agad ko rin siyang binitawan na para bang napaso ako sa kanya. I went to the sink to wash my face and when I looked at the mirror, I looked really dumb. Sobrang gulo ng buhok ko, para na akong basang sisiw ngayon.
From the reflection on the mirror, I saw Silas who's just looking at me with so much pity.
"Don't pity me, it's disgusting." I called him.
He immediately looked away. Ilang minuto pa ang pinalipas ko bago lumabas sa banyo nang maayos na ang sarili. And when I got outside, the students immediately looked at me with a judgement on their faces.
I just swallowed hard and I ran towards the rooftop. When I reached the rooftop, I immediately felt at peace. Walang tao. I can easily look at some students from the ground without them looking at me with a judgement in their eyes.
Kailan ko kaya mararanasang huminga nang mapayapa?
My thoughts were interrupted when I heard footsteps behind me.
"Don't be afraid to stand for yourself…" he whispered. "Never show them you are hurt. Because the more they see you're hurting, the more they celebrate."