1/12/20~
Hey its been a while and i___its been kinda crazy._________________________
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After my last entry in july__its pretty bland__i didnt do much in the summer i only went to my lessons and my therapy appointments. Those are going good i guess___my dad wanted me to try to go back to the school, well it was summer school. My dad thought i needed to stay focused and occupied after everything thats happened to avoid certain things and that was a mistake because i was made fun of._________________________________
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When it was in august of course i wore shorts and i tshirt cuz its hot and people started making fun of me saying like where's your marks and it was pretty fucked up. I didnt know what to say really i just kinda took em._________
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In september, nothing really happened i just did my lessons which im getting___
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good enough at id say. But idk, at school my old friends they wont talk to me for some reason and dont know whats going maybe because they wont they dont wanna,___i heard,__ well i didnt hear but i saw them__i saw their mouths moving and one of them said that they dont want to learn because its too hard and its too painfull for them so idk what that means. I do but i dont yk_? anyway, we dont hang out anymore my friends and i._____________
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I met this new group and they let me smoke some of their stuff. They had a lot of weed and i felt better after a while and they invited me to some parties. And that started happening at the beginning of october and i was high as fuck at this one party and i just sat around drank a little, smoked a lot, i think we had this hot box going, i dont remember much about it but it was pretty cool.___________________________
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My dad___i didnt really talk to him much about what was going on at school, he thought i still had my friends and truth is i was getting fucked up at school on campus and i didnt____i i dont know i didnt care. I didnt care at all. I just need an escape and weed takes me there and its great, in fact im kinda high right now. Its great.________
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And after my mom left dude, im fucking glad she left cuz honestly life would be so much worse if she was still here. To find out my weed stash. Its pretty bad. I gotta relocate it. Its__a lot.____________
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Im getting in habits that i dont___listen, i know that theyre bad but dont really wanna change. My new friends, they dont understand me i just have to nod and shake my head a lot. We dont ever talk, we just smoke and hang out and just vibe. I just like to be around people and not be____________________________
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alone. I dont want to be alone right now. Cuz when im alone its just, i get all these thoughts and i dont like them and then i smoke and go to these parties and they help me forget about him and all the fucked up things that happened.___________________________
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Man, those sleeping pills i forgot to take them sometimes and i would have the nightmares again and i would wake up and them smoke cuz it would help a lot.___________________________________
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Idk whats going on with me.___________
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Thanksgiving was, i didnt spend it with my dad, i ditched my dad to go smoke with my friends and go to this one rave down town where everyone was half naked but it was fine. Oh and my style rn is prett dope. Im getting into a lot of black leather.________________________
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But yeah. I need more weed, im running low.___________________________________
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4/6/20~
Sophomore year was so fucked up. I barely remember this year. Im pretty sure im failing all my classes but i dont give a fuck rn. I really dont care. I just need more weed.______________________
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I___got drunk last weekend and it was crazy. Last weekend being the 30th of march i think anyway, it was so great. I dont think i fucked anybody. I hope i didnt cuz i dont really want it to be like that.___________________________________
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Ive been still going to therapy and yeah she knows i smoke weed but i guess she hasnt told my dad. My dad would flip. And i think shes just keeping shit between her and me just to give me some privacy. Plus idek if shes even lying to my dad, i think its illegal but whos cares.__________________________
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But yeah therapy is good, we just talk, same shit and like ive been chillin with my group. I go to these really fucking weird ass parties where people are fucking on the wall its crazy.__________
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Nobody is really asking me to fuck though, which is weird. Anyway, today was different._________________________
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Cuz i met this boy in my science class in third period and he said he just transferred here and hes really cute. We're science partners. We sit at the same double table and we were assigned to be partners. Hes really cute so idk ill just hes just interesting. I just think hes very interesting._____________
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And i just like___got knocked up actually no thats not the right word to say, man, i just got really tired of weed. I kinda stopped. My friends are wondering why i did. I dont know why really. I dont___________________________
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I dont know why im writing this down, im gonna go___________________________
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5/13/20~
So today marks a year that jacob died and idk i feel kinda i do feel sad but i dont wanna feel sad. If that makes any sense.________________________________________________________________________
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The science boy, he called me beautiful. Idk how to feel about that. I think hes handsom ig. Hes always touching my thigh in class and idk maybe we could do something sometime, im thinking
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I heard that there was a party going on the following weekend and i asked him if he wanted to go and he said yeah, so hopefully he shows up_________________
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Im going to bed its 1___________________
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5/16/20~
Me and science boy we started smoking and drinking at the party. And now i feel bad. I asked him if he could take my virginity and he said yes but like too quickly. Idk what happened but i just let him. It was so bad i didnt know what to feel or what to expect, it was so sudden, i dont think i even thought about it after or when i asked him_____________
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But yeah we found this room in the hall and all throughout the day i've been thinking about jacob and how i didn't even feel sad really when it was a year ago on fucking_________________________
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wednesday and idk i just felt so bad today, thinking and missing him and i just thought i needed a distraction but i feel like a fucking bad person now cuz i needed a distraction so i had sex with fucking science boy____and i just laid there as he just fucking pounded me___and i nodded every time he tried to speak to me, i could see his mouth moving, and he kept doing it___________
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all throughout it . i couldn't hear it but i could feel the vibration of his voice against my skin of him either talking or just moaning idk. Grinding on me____that condom didnt even feel right it felt so weird the whole thing felt bad. And now im in a lot of pain because of it.__________________________
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I guess he came. I didnt, i just laid there like a fucking sack of shit______________
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And after he said he was gonna me some water, i think he left bc he never came back_____________________________
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I cried after. It was consentual but i cried. And i just thought about jacob.__
And everything and i just___i hate__im____im just starting to hat myself a lot more_____________________
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I dont wanna talk to anybody about, not my dad or friends. Nobody. I dont wanna talk and i just i dont know whats happening to me________________
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5/26/20~
Ive decided___i asked my dad if i could change schools after this year and he agreed bc the past week ive been going to all the parties, getting home past curfew and all tht stuff, and having a lot of sex. Everyone at school it messing with me, calling me names. My friends who i thought were my friends started to bully me, spreading rumors and i just___________________________________
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need to leave. Im____getting overwhelmed by every single fucking thought and thing that i do and wondering if i'll kill myself the next day or the next hour next minute.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I feel lost and alone and its a lot ok.____
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8/11/20~
Since may me and my dad have been searching for schools that seem right for me and some of them already started this week so ive been visiting a lot and but over the summer we just kinda scouted, we drove around and looked at some near by. Ive been working on getting my drivers licence. Because a lot of the school are too far away for walking______________________
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distance so i need to learn fast, i think i'll at least get my permit and just hope i dont get pulled over. My dad would drive me but he's getting promoted and his hours are changing to early and longer shifts. There's buses but my dad has never wanted me to take them because of safety reasons so he just wanted me to get started early. That was back in june and now, i'm feeling good about it. The roads aren't that difficult or complicated so i think i'll be fine but anyway, I have that responsibility now._________________
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I ran a red light the other day, it's fine, im fine, anybody got hurt. I probably need more practice but ill push through for my dad cuz yk he's doing his best to get me into a better school.____________
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Plus this school its different then what my last school was. I mean, ill try the people were looking at me weird. I think they knew who I was.____________
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Hopefully nothing will happen and ill end up staying i think. I can only hope for the best____________________________
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10/21/20~
So my new school ive been going to, its ok.____________________________________
There is a lot of new face cuz duh you dumb fuck youre at a new school. No friends were made. Nobody has really approached me or interacted with me because they cant talk to me. I can kinda read their lips but most of the time, it's too fast and i just give up. I kinda just keep to myself there.________
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Their program they put me in, yk for deaf kids, they've been trying to educate me. Instead of going to normal classes, i get pulled out, im separate from the class basically and im in this room and a another teacher and we just do a one on one type of thing literally for all of my classes. She teaches me math, science, english, at my own pace and it's just all my requirements I need to junior year from one person.___________
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Its ok. I see a lot of people staring at me when i get pulled out and when i leave the room for lunch. Maybe cuz they think im special and i need extra care which, i do but like its kinda different.__
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Therapy has been good. ASL lessons has been going smoothly. Im probably gonna be fluent in the next few months and im pretty proud. its all just kinda flowing._______________________________
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I haven't been feeling that bad lately cuz i stopped___with weed and drinking and i kinda just stopped thinking if that makes sense and ive just been focusing on driving, my new school and just kinda doing my own thing. Im just content i guess right now____________
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12/25/20~
Ok listen i have a confession i wasnt being truthful in my last entry in october only bc___ so i lied, things weren't going smoothly. People were bullying me at school, i was getting made fun of for the looks of it and people starting pushing me and kicking me and just pushing me against the walls. It was a lot. I tried to ignore the bullying but its not working out._______
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My dad didn't want me to go through with that again and he thought it might make me relapse on my shit. It didnt, im trying to stay strong and keep myself sober. My dad is looking at schools again, thinking about pulling me out and transferring me into this one that's like kinda south from where we live. He said it's a private school and it might be better for me bc he said that private schools tend to have bullying and more control over the students and they had an available program for me for ASL._______________________________
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Also merry christmas. I havent opened my gifts yet cuz my dad got a call very early this morning, saying that he had to come into the office and so he left and im just home alone. Its like noon but im waiting for him to get back so its ok.____________________________________
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Hes doing his job, he's doing his best______He's a good dad and i love him.____I wont judge him for that if he cant be here for christmas.____________
Ive also been shopping online to destract myself. I bought a bunch of clothes using gifts cards ive gotten on past birthdays. A lot of them are like black and brown and like this grungy type style. Im starting to like it.____But yeah. Thats all thats been going on.____
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7/14/21~
I just got back from the doctor and they prescribed me these new sleeping pills and im pretty excited, they said i can take two at a time now so it'll for sure knock me out cold right away, which is great. But anyway, a lot has happened since i last wrote in this thing. Idk why i didn't write after christmas. I think i wa just busy and for a while, whenever i would look at this book i would think about how i got this book, from my therapist.______________________________
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And actually she hasn't told me to write in this since like forever ago. But ive just been writing in it willingly. I think it's helped me.________________________
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But i stopped bc well for one, transferred schools again and again and now me and my dad, he's been promoted again in his job and now we're moving to california.__________
And im excited cuz ive heard california is very pretty and hot but less hot then here. And im happy that we're leaving. It feels nice to maybe have a change of air.____________________________________
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But the sad thing is that im getting a new therapist___when we go to california__but then my therapist now, knows the therapist in cali and she's good friends with her. So i guess i have to just trust her on that._______________
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But yeah, we're moving__i think__we started to pack a week ago and i almost done, i have to take a part my bed frame and donate some of my old clothes. Also I can_____________________
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drive now! Yay!!
I got my licence in april and its cool. I can drive around now, im pretty confident now and its been helpful for my dad cuz this new place in cali that we're moving to, there's a lot of hills and not many sideways._______________
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Thats what going on and yea. Its a big change but im excited i it'll be good to leave things behind. I would like to come back and visit___his grave__but i think this will be good to get away for a bit_____________________________________
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12/14/21~
California is very pretty. I like it. I transferred. My new therapist, she's so chill and nice to me. She's basically a clone of my old therapist and i really enjoy that._____________________________
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My new school is ok. I feel like people dont know my face, i haven't gotten any stares or weird looks. I've just been getting ignored by everyone which is nice. But idk my dad's thinking transferring me again, i think this is the last time. Im pretty sure_______________
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we're gonna be moving again but not very far. Bc my dad's job, he just got transferred to another place and its across town, he said that our best bet is to move to this small town called yellow meadows, which sounds pretty. And he said there's a local high school there so we'll be checking that out._____
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At this point i dont care if i change schools again, i mean i dont have friends, im not gonna be missed or anything.______________________________
But anyway, i got to shop for my dad, it's almost christmas.__________________
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3/16/22~
So i ended up staying at my school rn bc i felt i could manage but then i started to get bullied again bc im small. So changed my mind, its march now and i feel like i need to change again, i need to start again with the school thing. But my dad said that this would be the last time i transferred for a while bc he's finally settled on his position in his job and there's no plans on being relocated so we're staying put here.____
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So this week we're visiting the yellow meadows local high school. And im positive im gonna start monday. But i still have to take the midterms for this semester and pass them in order to move on up bc then my grade will confirm whether of not i can stay in my grade and not get held back since ive been transferring a lot. Im sure ill be fine, it's all just the requirements again like english and math and science and stuff, ive been studying hard with my dad every night these past few weeks. So i feel confident._____________________
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3/19/22~
I passed!! And im qualified to stay in my grade and transfer!!_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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3/21/22~
So i had my first classes at yellow meadows today and it was good overall
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In my first class in english, i got______ introduced from the teacher and yeah everybody stared but i think they didn't really care who i was, i think they just minded their own business which is good.__________________________________
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_i like their program for deaf students, instead of pulling you out and_____ separating you from the class, they just hand you a paper with the weekly agenda of we're learning about and i get to follow along because a lot of the activities on hands-on for the visual learners. Also, im getting good at reading lips, so things are seeming good and easy._________________________
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Then in my next class after english, i was confused and the teacher in there, mr. keller, he wasn't much help. I tried to ask him where i had to sit but he seemed busy so i just picked a random seat. And literally this boy scared me really badly but he__it was so confusing at first, he was talking to me at first and then he started making an 'x' with his arms, it was kinda funny. Then i realized i was in his seat and it was so embarrassing. And then i ask him where i could sit and he pointed to this table that was in the back and so i went there. Also when i sat down, i realized i had the same boy in my english class.__
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And hes____pretty. So yeah, i kinda met a pretty boy today._____________________
Anyway, the rest of my classes were ok and yeah______________________________
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That was it.
That was her last entry.
The day she met me.
But, why? No, that's important. What's important is that... i look something up. I gripped my phone by its sides as the brightness blinded my eyes. It pained me to see that it was very late at night, but what got my chest to tighten even more, is when I typed into Google, words that have lingered through Zoey's entries. With the keywords, Arizona and shooting, i was shown the hard truth as I tapped on the first article at the top, titled, 2019 Phoenix Academy Shooting.
"Oh my god."
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