Saturday, 4th. April. 2015
Another terrible night of sleep for me. I'd been tossing and turning for hours before I fell asleep. This morning I was awoken by Koh, who had brought me a fruit bowl and an iced coffee for breakfast. It saved me having to leave my room, which was nice. In all honesty, I wasn't feeling so well these past few days and maybe Koh had noticed. He'd drawn back the curtain, which nearly blinded me but insisted I shouldn't stay huddled in the dark and that it wasn't healthy for me.
I didn't complain, instead I mumbled back a small 'okay' and sat up in bed, then took the bowl from the side table. I popped a slice of orange into my mouth. It was tangy but delicious.
Before leaving, Koh asked me what I planned to do today. I told him I wasn't sure, maybe try to get some schoolwork done, that was until I realised I needed some things from my apartment. Koh offered to sneak into my place today and grab the things I needed. I laughed. The thought of him going all stealth mode like some kinda undercover spy was funny. After telling him where to find my textbooks, he told me to leave it to him and that he'd see me later.
Once he left and I was alone, sitting on this fancy bed with a bowl of fruit, a thought occurred to me. I don't know where it came from, but it felt like I was some kind of mafia princess or something. Just chilling in the expensive place.. being able to ask for pretty much anything I needed..
It's not that I felt special or anything. No, if anything, it made me suspicious. Despite Mr. Kim making it clear he basically felt sorry for me, could I really just accept that?
No. I now knew better. Was there something going on that I didn't know about? The way Namjoon just rolled over to Mr Kim last night just didn't feel right. The boys were always so protective of me, I thought for sure some conflict would've broken out, or they would've tried to take me away. But nothing.
I gazed at the room until I noticed that notebook again. Unsure of my feelings, I grabbed the book to look over some of my past writings, hoping it might help me put things into perspective or ease my mind.
I flicked through the pages. All my entries were still there. I still can't believe they somehow had my personal writing. Part of that made me feel uncomfortable.
Suddenly I noticed that the back of the notebook was filled with entries that weren't in my handwriting. I flicked through, confusing overtaking. I found the first of many and started to read.
Entry 1.
Hi~
It's Jimine here :)
So, seeing as this is the first memory I have to give you, it's only right that it be of the time when we met at school ~
I was a little nervous walking into that first day of class. But then I saw you, up in the aisle, sitting by yourself. I remember thinking to myself how pretty you were. The way your long hair fell so carelessly around your cute face. And as silly a reason as that sounds, it was how it all began. I went straight there and sat right next to you. I remember wondering if you were kind as well, you know, sometimes looks don't always match up with a person, but as soon as we started talking I knew you were a sweet girl.
Even back then, I had a feeling we'd become friends. My intuition is pretty spot on, so I followed my feelings.
Do you remember? Tae showed up too, and we all started talking together? After you left, he told me he had a crush on you (〃ω〃)
But, back to the part that stands out the most! It was the group project we were assigned~
I know now it wasn't a coincidence, more like serendipity. Just like me picking up this notebook that you dropped..
It's funny when I think about it though. At the time, we did not know how close we'd all become. No clue how much we'd go through together. But I won't go into that just yet~
There are still a lot of pages in this notebook, so we'll fill them with all the memories you lost. But! Don't read too many at one time or you might overdose ('°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀) Promise me, Okay? Be careful~
Love you always, your sweetie lovely Jimine💗
_____________________________________
I small lump formed at the base of my throat as I read.. shock mingled with the urge to cry.
Just what was this?
He said he'd fill this with memories I'd lost?
Jimine..
I turned the page and carefully read the next one.
Jia, it's Tae Hyung.
Jiminie thinks it's a good idea if we write down our memories for you in case some day in the future you'll need them. Our best friend is really thoughtful like that :)
Oh, seeing as I can write whatever I want here, there are a lot of things that come to mind. Most importantly, you should know that Jimin and I are your soulmates. It makes me sad that you forgot but I know it's not your fault... And even if you can't remember us we will always be here for you.
Hmm, honestly, it's hard. I don't know where to start, but if I try to recall the first memory of you, it wasn't anything super flashy. It was the time we were assigned a group project. I think it's also the reason we became close.
Back then, we were in the same class. It really feels like a long time ago now. But, I remember you me and Jiminie sitting in the library together to work on a project. It's clear in my head because at that time I remember thinking how beautiful you looked and how kind you were. I'll admit that I had no idea we would become so close as time went on. There were a lot of things I would've never predicted happening, but I won't talk about that here.
Instead, I want to give you that memory of our time in class, doing school work together and playing around innocently. You used to always eat the dumplings I offered you on our lunch breaks. And I always thought it was cute, even though I never told you at the time I want to tell you now. Those times are so precious to me and I know the 'you' before you lost your memories would have thought so too...
But don't worry, I won't ever leave you, even if you don't know it yet. I'm here always,
Love you,
Tae Tae
_____________________________________
I breathed out shakily, tears slid down my cheeks. I was so conflicted; I didn't know what to believe anymore.
They.. were they telling the truth?
My head hurt as I tried to remember them, but I closed my eyes and focused. I clutch my head in my hands. The pain gets worse. But, Jimin and Tae...
That first day of class, I can't barely make it out.
It was true, though.
I let the memory disappear again into the void of my mind and a dull thump replaces it.
I was confused, scared, but I needed to know more.. needed to see what else was in here.
Hey baby, it's Hoseok
I miss you so much. It's been killing me, having to go on without you like this. I thought about you every day. Even if it was just little things like if you'd had dinner yet, or were wearing a warm enough jacket out when it got cold. This probably sounds creepy seeing as you don't remember me.. So I'll lend you some of my memories to make up for it, okay baby girl? Don't worry, I've always got chuu ;)
Back in the days, long before I debut with Bangtan Sonyandan, I was just a kid from Gyangu who used to look up to idols and that loved to dance. It was following those passions and ambitions that led me to coming to Seoul all those years ago. When I got here, things didn't exactly turn out the way I'd planned. Actually there were a lot of hiccups along the way, haha. But I held on to my hopes and dreams and pushed through. Eventually, I landed a spot as a trainee with Big Hit. At that time, I had no idea if it would work out, and I had my doubts during my training period.
But, again, I stuck it out and danced my ass off. Joonie and Yoongi Hyung used to always bicker at me to learn how to rap. They said my sense of rhythm would make me a natural. They weren't wrong.
Jungkookie, Jin Hyung, Tae Hyungie and Jimine all joined too. We worked hard, spent countless hours training because we were set on making our debut.
I'll admit, right before that debut even came, things got really rough. I quit for a while haha, but, a certain special girl and Joon talked some sense into me and I came back.
The guys were a big part of what kept me grounded during that time, but that wasn't all.
There was also that special girl who'd come and cheer me on during my street dance performances. She used to give me solid advice when I was down and out. When I was in doubt, she'd just smile, shining as bright as the sun and tell me everything was gonna be alright. Gave me back hope when I was on the verge of losing it.
You know, that girl, no matter what she did, she just radiated warmth. The way her eyes sparkled when she'd watched me dance. I didn't stand a chance. I fell deeply and helplessly in love with her.
That special girl that shines brighter than the sun, that girl is you. The girl that gives me hope and lights up my life is you, Jia.
I'm your hope,
You're my hope.
I love you, always.
_____________________________________
Hobi..
Tears dropped onto the paper, staining the page. I rubbed them away with the back of my hand.
It was so quiet, all I could hear was my sniffling. All I could feel was my heart breaking.
I didn't know if I could handle reading any more..
Jimin was right, if I read too many, maybe I'd overdose.
But if this was all true..
I sobbed harder, confusion overwhelming me.
If they felt this way about me, why would they try to hurt me?
For all my frustrations, all I could do was cry. Cry as I read the next one.
My sweetest girl 💌
In all honesty, I'd give anything, so that I didn't have to be writing like this to you right now. If I had it my way, we'd be cosily snuggled up, picnicking, and writing lyrics together in the tranquility of Jang Jae park.
The amount of memories of you that I hold near and dear are plenty. But none of them seem to be as precious and pure as that one.
I contemplated it for a long time. Trying to decide if the memory of how you first landed in my arms that faithful day in the library was the standout. All over a Notorious B.I.G album, no less.
Whenever I indulge in reminiscing about you, the sweet smell of your hair, and the tender sparkle of those blue eyes, I always think of the day we exchanged lyric notebooks. I'd never been one to linger in the past until you came along.
I know this notebook was supposed to be for me to leave memories for you, but it seems I've been selfish. Instead, I want to tell you.
There's no one else as special, talented, and truly kind as you. Please, even if your memories don't return, just promise me one thing... That you'll believe in yourself as much as I do.
For a time, I wanted nothing more than to have you back, but if my happiness equates to your suffering, then it's an easy choice. I see that now.
And, if there's one thing that I want you to remember going forward, it's looking up into the night sky once in a while. Live in the moment Jia. Because live and love sound just the same to me.
Joonie,𓂃🌿𓈒𓏸 🤍 🎐 𓂃
_____________________________________
I closed the book and lay down. My head was spinning. Heart aching. Tears helplessly fell.
I think I've done it. I've overdosed.
Notes:
Hey guys, this is something I've been brewing over for a long time, really hoping you enjoy the notes the boys left for Jia. Not gonna lie, I cried a few times while I wrote these out.. Always keen to hear from you, hope you're all doing well 💜