Opal POV
I truly believe that everyone has moments in their lives in which we don't recognize ourselves. The person looking back at us from the mirror is only a shell, sometimes the only remnant left of the actual person.
I believe there are times when we don't recognize our own actions either. Isn't that why they, whoever they are, say hindsight is 20/20? We do things that are completely out of the ordinary of our usual actions, leaving those around us in complete confusion, trying to figure out why we did what we did, or who we've become.
Are we allowed to have those moments?
How long do those moments last?
How much of those moments change the relationships they affect?
Does a person really have control over those moments? Not in an physically abusive way, or even abusive emotional way, but when you can actually recognize that what you're doing is not who you are, and yet you still continue down a destructive path.
And some how, all I can truly think about is the fact that I left Chris before he leaves me on his own accord.
I blame my father for the most recent decisions, my most recent actions.
Everything that I thought I had managed to work through, came crashing back at me. Every brick of each wall that had been crumbling away bit by bit, now feels stronger and more like a fortress than ever before.
And if pushing Chris away is the best thing for me to do in this situation, why does it still hurt so bad?
Why is it that no matter what I try to occupy myself with, my thoughts continue to drift to him?
Is he hurting?
Is he thankful to no longer have to deal with my idiosyncrasies?
I mean, I'm sure I've done him a favor, right?
I walked away from him before he could realize how incredibly broken I am.
I did what was best for him in the long run.
I did what's best for me in the short of it all.
And if I'm so confident in my decision, why does it leave me feeling more empty than I ever have in my entire life?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been almost two weeks since I last text Chris. The famous three words that apparently hit a strong enough chord for him to do just that: Let it go.
As much as I pray throughout the day to find rest when my head hits my pillow, it all seems in vain as I am now sure I haven't slept well since our night in the blanket fort. But if anyone should ever ask, I can apparently function on just a couple hours of broken sleep.
If what I'm doing can be called functioning.
After Lily attempted her intervention at Magnolia, Rae tried her own tactic by showing up at my house a few days later with coffee and muffins.
"Hi friend," she said when I opened the front door.
She immediately holds out the cup of coffee to me and I don't hesitate to take it and sip. "Heaven" I hum as the liquid tries to wake up my soul. "Yours better be decaf, young lady."
"It is mother," Rae answers, rolling her eyes. She's about to pop that precious boy out of her at any moment and caffeine has not been her friend recently.
She follows me into the living room, taking a spot on one end of my couch as I curl up in the recliner across from her. I take another sip as I watch her look down at the cup in her hand. "Ya know, I'd ask why I have the pleasure of your company today, but I have a strong hunch I already know."
Rae lifts her head to look back at me. There's a sadness across her features, where as Lily was just purely angry. "Are you alright?"
"Sure," I answer quick and short. It's obviously not good enough as she cocks her head to the side, with a very small smile. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay," she nods her head and takes a sip. "Feel like going to my doctor's appointment with me today?"
"Why isn't Anthony going?"
"He couldn't get out of work this time. If anything should happen I'll call him, but I'd really love it if you'd come with me," she pleads.
If I had to guess, she's hoping I'll get comfortable enough and want to talk about the break-up. But, really I'm hoping she just wants my company.
"Give me a few minutes," I tell her, standing up. "Warm the muffins and put some butter on them. I'll drive."
Which brings us to today. We're all gathered at the hospital once more, thankfully this time on the maternity ward. Rae was a week past due so the doctor scheduled an induction.
The waiting room isn't quite as full as we had it in the past as Laura and Spencer weren't able to get away for the birth. I've managed to catch her on Facetime a bit when I've gone in to sit with Rae during the long process.
Coming back from the cafe I notice Anthony continually checking his watch. "Everything alright?"
My question takes him by surprise, oddly enough. "Uh, yeah, yeah," he stammers out.
"New father jitters," Lily comments, waving it off. Jameson just shrugs his shoulders and goes back to looking through the sports magazine in his hand.
I just nod my head a bit before letting them know I'm going to go sit with Rae for a little longer. I walk the halls, thankful that these are a bit brighter in color than the snow white sterile hallways of the ICU just a couple floors down.
"Knock, knock," I say as my knuckle hits softly against the wood before pushing it open. I see a nurse at the end of the bed jotting down a couple of notes before waving me in.
"No baby yet?" I joke as I walk in, carrying the bottle of water I grabbed earlier. The nurse chuckles lightly before walking back through the door. I turn my attention to Rae. "That didn't sound good."
Rae blows out a huff of air before throwing her head back on the pillow. "It's going very slow. I'm only four centimeters and it's been seven hours."
I pull the chair up beside her bed. I place my hand on top of hers, patting it softly. "These things take time."
"Have I mentioned I'm not excited about being the 'Mommy' guinea pig of our little friend group?" she groans as a contraction moves through again. I let her grip my hand, counting through it with her.
"It had to be somebody. Let's just all give thanks that it wasn't Lily," I remind her. We both give each other a look of agreement before we burst into laughter.
"Can you get me a wet washcloth?" she asks, pointing towards the bathroom. "The nurse brought in fresh ones after I threw up all over the others."
Bless her heart, she didn't exactly follow the directions of not eating before the induction.
"Sure. I need to use the restroom anyways. I've added two more cups of coffee and a bottle of water since we got here a couple hours ago." I set the bottle on the table next to her bed.
"Why so much coffee, Opal?"
"Oh, you know me: certified caffeine addict," I tease holding one hand in the air.
The truth is that I'm still having trouble sleeping. Each day I think I can't reach any more exhaustion, and each day I'm proven wrong.
I close the bathroom door behind me and tend to my own business. After washing my hands I run the washcloth under cold water, hoping it will bring her the tiniest bit of relief she needs through her contractions. I open the door, hearing Anthony speaking to Rae, asking her if there's anything he can get her.
I turn the corner from the restroom to see the curtain pulled a bit for privacy. "You still want that cloth?" I ask from my side of the curtain.
"Yes, please."
I pull back the curtain to see Anthony sitting on the edge of his wife's bed. But what really holds my attention and stops me in my tracks is the six foot, brunette male, that I've not seen in two weeks, standing on the opposite side of the room.
*AN- I've been sick with an upper respiratory something since Friday, so if this is complete poop, please forgive me.