Disclaimer: This chapter contains sensitive and graphic themes of violence. If you can't handle such topics feel free to skip this one out.
Nox
Three years ago on New Years...
I remember the first time I grazed a steering wheel.
It was on my first date with Elijah. I was wearing my cute little red floral dress and he was in a leather jacket and ankle high Converses. I remember how anxious I was for that one date; my stomach was making somersaults in my body, and I wanted to throw up from how anxious I was. The idea of sitting across someone I barely know and having to stir up random conversation was my main root of fear on dates, because you can never know how it goes. You might say the wrong things and hurt the other person, or you might accidentally say something embarrassing that will make you want to crawl into a hole and die.
I hadn't gone on many dates up until that point and I usually avoided the traditional dinner date, because it was too stressful. I had no idea what Elijah had in mind, but in case he didn't make any plans, then I would have to come up with something quick.
I remember him standing near his car right outside my house, waiting for me. I remember how relieved I was that nobody was at home because he already made me anxious enough as it is and having to introduce him to my dad at the very first date would make me explode inside. Instead, of taking me downtown to some extravagant restaurant, we went on an evening drive with the windows rolled down and Bruno Mars blasting from the speakers. We talked and talked endlessly while munching on Red Hot Cheetos and Gummy Bears, when we suddenly reached an empty parking lot.
My stomach immediately dropped and the first thought that came to mind was 'this is it'. This is how I'll die. He will tear me open and rip my kidneys from my body then sell them to the black market; I've watched a fuck ton of true crime documentaries so I'm not a stranger to how this type of shit goes down.
But then he got out of the car without the keys and circled around to my side of the car with an irresistible smile.
'I don't know if this is an ideal first date, but you always wanted to learn how to drive, so I figured that this is the perfect place.' He said, resting his arm on the window.
Elijah got me comfortable with the car's controls and helped me adjust the seat. It took some time, but I got familiar with the foot pedals and then he showed me the breaks. After showing me a few more things and giving me tips on how to handle a stick-shift, I turned on the engine. The car started to move, slowly until it got faster; I lost control and panicked and ran his car to a wall.
I was scared- no terrified. The front had gotten scratched on the rough surface of the wall and just as I thought he was going to yell at me, he started laughing. It was the most real thing I had ever heard in my life, so lively and vibrant it made me feel warm inside.
I told him I liked his laugh.
It was the first time I heard it.
It's funny how this version of Elijah seems to be so many light years away from me. The sweet, freckled boy that taught me how to drive is now replaced by the cruel man that made me bleed.
I don't know how I managed to steer clear from Elijah on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, but I did. Much to my luck he didn't come over the house to check on me since as far as he knows, I'm spending my holiday at my aunts thanks to Axel covering up for me. I also haven't seen Yoongi since the night Elijah dropped by uninvited. He left soon after Elijah took his leave saying that he needed to go somewhere.
I thought we would spend the holiday together at my house. I wouldn't mind having him stay over. It would need a little convincing when it concerns Dad, but when he sees that my grades are actually improving for the first time because of him, I think he'll change his mind about him. Axel on the other hand, is cautious about every guy I bring into our house; he never liked Elijah and for good reason, but there's something that tells me that he and Yoongi could get along just fine.
The truth is I wanted Yoongi to stay because he's the only one that knows about the things that went down between me and Elijah. I never really talked about it in detail, and he never asked; probably because he respects my space, but in all honesty, I feel safe when he's around. He's the only person that would never question me and would take my side without batting an eye. Having to explain everything that happened in the course of the past few weeks to my family is something I don't want to get into. It wore me out and I'm exhausted and not to mention I'm ashamed to talk about it with them. I'm ashamed to talk about it with anyone really, but Yoongi simply knows how to read situations and people and it makes me feel better that I don't actually have to vocalize every single thing because he already knows.
I wish I could talk to my friends, but they wouldn't understand. Some of them haven't even been in relationships while the others are content where they are now. Rika doesn't care about having a boyfriend right now because she's too focused on volleyball and passing her classes, while Carson is perfectly happy with her boyfriend. Beatrix is too busy trying to sabotage herself and our team and Astrid isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, so I doubt she'd even understand. My point is, all my friends are my teammates and I'm not particularly close to them, so dropping the 'my boyfriend raped me' news on them isn't going to change what happened. If anything, it will earn me judgmental glares and pity looks.
All the things I'm trying to avoid. Like fake sympathy.
As if they understand what it's like to have someone invade your own body. As if they'd understand what it's like to have something sacrosanct stolen away from you with brute force. As if they'd understand what it's like to be powerless against someone much bigger than you. Stronger. Malignant. Someone you thought you'd spend all your days and nights with. Someone you thought would protect you and you'd die to keep safe. Someone who promised they'd never hurt you only to end up breaking every single oath they took.
They could never understand how cold it is to be all alone in the bottom of a bathtub crying in a pool of your own blood, pulling your hair, and tugging at your scull as you fight for your sanity. As you strive to stick together the last remaining fragments that make the person that you once were. Elijah had broken me so far that some of the tiniest pieces were impossible to fit back in that it left small holes in the middle. And as time passed the rest of the shards started to fall out, only to leave absolutely nothing behind. As much as I'm scared to admit it, I'm glad that there's nothing left underneath, because if I had to choose between living life happily and at the same time experiencing the biggest miseries in the world and living life without having to feel anything, I'd choose the latter.
It's funny how sometimes we result in delirious behaviors just to make ourselves feel normal again. Perhaps, that's why he raped me. He needed to regain his sense of normality by acting out on impulse. By following his instincts.
Usually on the last day of the year, people spend their time with family and friends. But not me. Dad is working and he can't take this shift off because he spent Christmas with us, but that's okay. Axel on the other hand is spending New Year's at Jason's.
Meanwhile, I'm feeding the fish at Fallfell pond. Fallfell pond is my safe space. Nobody knows I come here when I'm down, not even Elijah. I figured I needed a safe zone away from everyone and everything I know so that I can come here when I need an escape from the minefields that are hidden throughout the path of life. This is the one place I can let myself crumble down and cry or I can simply sit near the pond with my feet in the water as I listen to the sounds around me. The leaves brushing on the trunks, the breeze caressing everything it touches and the light splashes of the water. It belongs to me and I like that nobody knows about it.
It's cold near the pond, the cool winter air breezing through the leaves of the weeping willow trees, casting little ripples across the water's surface. I'm standing near the railing of the balcony as I throw pieces of bread in the pond. 'Born Without A Heart' by Faouzia is blasting in my earphones as I watch the koi fish swim towards the surface, eagerly opening their mouths to consume the food I'm offering them, and it makes me smile. It's stupid but feeding the fish in Fallfell pond always brings a smile to my face.
I guess I like lending a helping hand to someone that's unaware of needing it. Or perhaps, I just like being needed.
My phone suddenly rings, and I shuffle through my bag to find it when I see that Carson is on the caller ID. I was planning on putting my phone on airplane mode because I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, but Carson never calls unless it's something serious.
"Hey, what's up?" I ask, trying to sound cheerful.
"You need to come now." Carson says flatly. "Like right now."
"Slow down. What's going on Cars?" I can hear sounds in the background, and they mostly come from two people but then again there's an awful lot of noise. I can hear some expletives being thrown here and there along with some glass breaking. "Are you okay? Where are you?"
"I'm totally fine, but your boyfriend isn't." She finally replies. "Come to the Blue now."
"I'm not in the mood Cars." I tell her. "I'm feeling a little under the weather."
"Well, come the fuck down here because Elijah says he's going to tear the whole fucking place apart and you're his girlfriend so you're probably the only one that can remedy this clusterfuck."
"Cars-" I try to argue, but I know that whatever I'll say will make me look suspicious since she's unaware of everything that has went down between me and Elijah so I swallow down my reluctance and shake my head with a tired sigh. "Yeah, I'll be there."
"Also, bring some gauze." She tells me. "The boys will need it."
Yeah, good thing I'm stocked up in gauze.
With the bag of medicine and gauze in hand, I run up the stairs of the Blue and push the door open. Whatever commotion I heard over my call with Carson has died down, although I sense some tension in the air. I recognize people from my school, and I notice Cam sitting at the bar alone with a beer next to him. Carson is sitting with her boyfriend and their friends in a booth opposite the counter and I make my way towards them.
When she sees me, she gets up and excuses herself "Hey, where have you been?" She asks lowly. "I thought I'd see you tonight."
My dad wanted to spend some time with us since he got off work for today." I lie. "Where's Elijah?" His name falls out of my mouth leaving behind a bitter aftertaste. The last thing I want to do right now is to be within sniffing distance with him, let alone confront him about whatever the hell angered him so much. But unfortunately, as far as everyone's concerned, I'm still his girlfriend. We're still together and if I don't act like the part, it will arouse suspicion.
"I think I saw him go to the men's room."
"And where's Yoongi?"
"He left as soon as the staff dragged Elijah away from him." Carson tells me.
"He's in pretty bad shape."
I take off and head to the bathroom first to give Elijah the medicine as I text Yoongi asking where he is. I barge into the men's room, and I look around for Elijah but the only person in here is a guy who's taking a piss in the urinals. He zips his fly as I walk further inside and rushes outside without washing his hands.
Just as I'm about to leave the men's room I take one step forward only for a crunchy sound to echo in the empty room. Then I notice something from the corner of my eye. I turn towards the sink where streaks of blood run down the marble, trickling down the drain. The mirror is smashed in the middle, its slivers pooling in the sink and the floor, and a large piece of the shattered glass is sitting on the edge of the sink with droplets of blood covering the surface.
I raise my gaze up and a shocked gasp leaves my mouth when I see Cam standing right behind me through the reflection of the mirror' remaining slivers. His face is distorted as a large crack in the mirror slices his face in half. His piercing murky green eyes are cutting through mine and a menacing grin is separated from the rest of his face.
I turn around cautiously and tighten my grip on the medicine bag as I make my way outside.
"I was wondering where you had disappeared." He starts. "Thought you were spending New Year's with us."
"Something came up." I murmur.
"Or someone." I look at him straight in the eye as he paces back and forth in the dirty restroom. "I told Elijah that you'd back away once you got the slightest bit bored."
"What the hell are you talking about Cam?"
"Apparently, his precious girl has a thing for junkies that are into underage girls." He eggs me on, walking in a circle around me. He takes one hand out of his pocket and tips his chin up before glancing over at me with an expression I can't quite decipher.
There was something about Cam that was indistinguishable; he was a hard one to read, but one thing was certain. I never wanted to be alone with him. With his murky green eyes and sharp smile, the way he carefully moves around me, he makes his rounds like a shark and I'm only waiting for him to attack.
"Is that what Elijah told you?" I huff, crossing my arms defensively.
"He doesn't need to tell me anything to know that you're a piece of ass waiting to be taken at any time." He replies swiftly and I'm appalled at how calmly he says all these things without batting an eye.
"Never thought that rough and rugged was your style, Nox. If you wanted hard, I could give you hard."
"You're fucking disgusting." I spit.
Cam now walks toward me and I back away on instinct trying to put as much distance between us as possible, until my back hits the wall. I look quickly towards the door, but it's too far from the sink. I clutch the medicine bag until my knuckles turn white, as I anticipate his next move. Time is running out as he proceeds to walk towards me with a menacing look covering his face.
His body is dangerously close to mine as he picks up a strand of my hair and tucks it behind my ear, his cold calloused fingers leaving an icy trail on my skin that makes me want to hurl. My heartbeat picks up as I do nothing, but stare at the dirty ground.
My reflection is looking back at me from one of the broken slivers on the floor and in that moment, I've never felt so small and delicate in my entire life.
"But you knew about it didn't you?" He asks lowly.
"What?"
He groans and throws his head back tiredly. "About that junkie fucking Elijah' sister when everybody was asleep in that house."
A surge of anger runs through me like adrenaline as I march over to him with balled fists. "Shut the fuck up Cam, you don't know the first thing about Yoongi, so don't you dare accuse him of things he never did."
"Are you sure you want to defend that loser addict?" He mewls. "It won't look good for you when the bastard is locked behind bars. And since you kept quiet about it that makes you guilty by association Nox."
I haven't realized I'm gripping him by his jacket until he grabs me by the wrists. His hold on me is so tight, it will bruise. For a moment there, his asphyctic grip, feels like it's wrapped around my neck like a vice, causing shivers to rain down my spine.
"Tell me everything you know about Min Yoongi." He says. "Tell me when he started seeing Hayden and how long this has been going on."
Cold sweat is dripping down my back as if someone dropped several ice cubes in my shirt. I can barely breathe as he increases his hold on me, the pain now turning unbearable as memories of the night when Elijah left his mark on me flash before my eyes. Gritting his teeth, Cam gives me one brutal shove against the wall, and it is only then that I can finally breathe.
"Are you sure you want to defend Elijah?" I fire back. "It won't look good for you either when I go to the police and tell them what he did to me. It certainly won't look good for you when I scream and announce to everyone outside what you're about to do Cam."
I lose my footing as I step on one of the shards causing me to fall on the filthy floor. It doesn't take long, until I feel a sharp pain shooting through the underside of my right leg. I wince in pain and Cam notices my discomfort as I try my best to lift my leg, but then he presses the heel of his boot on my thigh, consequently causing the shard to dig deeper into my flesh.
I let out a muffled groan and he chuckles darkly, clearly thriving in the pain he's inflicting on me.
"You think anyone out there is going to believe the girl who's friends with the fucking junkie?" He says with a laugh. "For all I know you're hooked on the same shit he's using."
"You're wrong-" I choke out.
"Is that all it took? Some drugs and a fucked-up past?" He pipes. "You get off on how ruined they are?" He ferociously presses his boot down onto my thigh until I can no longer feel the shard on the floor, only because it's lost somewhere inside my thigh, and I inwardly cringe at the fact that the wound is going to get infected. "You get off on wanting to reverse that, is that it?"
"W-why are you doing this to me?" I ask, my voice weak. "Did Elijah put you up to this?"
"Bold of you to assume I need Elijah to get you where I've wanted you all along." He snarls and with that he finally lifts his foot off my leg. "Answer my questions now, while you can still form coherent sentences."
"Fuck off Cam. Go beat the shit out of someone else to get off." I grit and I'm met with a punt in the stomach as a response. "Apparently, Elijah is into the same sick shit you're into."
"You have quite the nerve pretty little thing," he starts then drives another kick into my stomach that almost made me throw up my lunch on my lap. "Fighting back is only going to do so much. You have the audacity to talk smart, even after knowing all the fucked-up shit that junkie did to Hayden?"
That's when I start laughing manically. "You have the fucking nerve to call me audacious after all the hell he's put me through."
"You had it coming cunt."
His fingers wrap around my throat faster than my brain can even comprehend, applying vicious pressure on my windpipe. My body trashes against him and my hands instinctively reach for his asphyctic grip, however all my effort goes in vain when he brutally slams my head against the wall to the point that I'm seeing stars.
The door suddenly opens behind him, and I can hear footsteps pacing inside the restroom. I blink for a moment, trying to regain my composure. I can hear a female voice nearby and I recognize it immediately. My vision is blurry as I try to focus on Addison's figure further away as she closes the door behind her and locks it.
"What the hell is taking you so long? And where the hell is Elijah?" She asks. "Jesus, Cam what did you do to her?"
"Why are you here?" He snorts.
"I want to know what happened to Hayden as much as you."
Cam chuckles darkly. "Cut the shit, I know you didn't tell Elijah. He caught the junkie with her in her bedroom on Christmas Eve. How do you think he's going to feel when he finds out that one of his closest friends kept quiet about his sister being abused?"
Yoongi went to see her after leaving my house that day.
"I wasn't sure Cam." She mutters like a mouse. "I wanted to make sure first before accusing anyone."
"At what price Addison? At what fucking price?" Cam yells in her face. "Hayden's fucking missing now."
What?
"It's been twenty-four hours and her mom is going fucking insane. Elijah's fucking blowout earlier isn't helping, and we need to move quickly."
"Oh, and hurting her is helping?" Addison revolts.
"Would you like to take her place?" Cam dares and she gulps in fear. "That's what I thought."
She looks over at me and then takes a step back, just as I expected. I don't know why it hurts seeing her back away just like that, leaving me in the hands of someone who is clearly as unstable as they look. Tears are streaming down my cheeks, and I sniffle in my little corner, surrounded by a thousand slivers. Looking at them reflects how broken I'm feeling inside. Maybe I'm disappointed because we're both women and she chose to abandon me, instead of fighting for me, but then again, she never had a reason to do so.
We were never friends.
"Now, back to our little sweet." He turns to me. "Tell me everything you know about Min Yoongi. All the places he visits, where he goes to eat and shit, where he stays; you get me? If you don't, I'll fuck you right here, right now and I don't give a shit if you're fucking crying. Your pussy better be as wet as your fucking eyes."
I look over at Addison, hoping that she'll fucking do something; anything, but she closes her eyes and turns the other way.
His hand grabs my jaw tightly and turns my face to him. "Don't look at her. She won't fucking help. She's a pathetic bitch that will do anything to please Elijah. Look at me cunt."
More tears are falling from my eyes and at this point I'm full-on sobbing in front of both of them to point that I'm starting to hiccup endlessly. Saliva is forming on the corners of my mouth and as much as I'm trying to maintain my composure, I can feel myself slipping further and further away as the seconds go by. His cruel, vile words are echoing in the deepest corners of my mind as he waits for me to speak. I can't fucking believe the position I'm being brought into once again, only this time there's a fucking witness. A fucking witness who's unwilling to help me. A fucking woman who would rather see me being used as a piece of meat rather than defending me against a predator.
I don't think I'll be able to survive this a second time.
I don't think I even survived it the first time with Elijah, yet here I am.
I've never felt fear so crippling, so entirely consuming that it alters the meaning of the word completely. Fear awoke in my bones, once buried under the marrow now having risen to the surface in the form of gooseflesh and chills. The chills you feel when you run outside the safe confines of your warm home and straight into an agonizingly cold winter. Chills that no longer feel cold as they should.
Frigid.
You're aware of all those concerning changes that are happening in a body that no longer feels like your own. What once felt warm and hot now feels like the scorch is slowly melting your skin away. What once felt cool and cold has now turned into currents of electricity that come and go in waves.
All I can hear are whispers at this point, my heart is pounding in my chest, threatening to tear me apart and somewhere deep inside I'm wishing for another alternative to free myself from this hell.
I breathe in. I breathe out, waiting for another morning to come. Closing my eyes won't help, all I see is black and all I can hear is his voice in the back of my mind. My senses are waging war inside me and suddenly I'm no longer in the dirty little bathroom in the Blue. I'm locked outside of my own head and I'm screaming for a way to let myself in. However, I think that this is what I've wanted all along.
A way to escape my own body for when he breaks inside it.
That way I won't feel pain.
I won't feel a thing.
It will be just this. Emptiness.
And emptiness doesn't scare me.
I'm sorry my updating schedule has become so inconsistent. these last few chapters are hard for me to write not only because the whole truth will soon be revealed, but there are sensitive themes included.
for some reason it's been really hard to sit down and write the ending. I'm going through a mental and art block rn... I also think that deep down I'm dreading for this book to come to an end because it's been an adventurous ride.
thank you for taking the time to read my stuff and for encouraging me. thank you for understanding and thank you for being patient with me❤️