Nox
"I lost the best thing that happened to me and almost killed your best friend."
Her words play on an endless loop it's driving me insane. Suddenly, it feels as though I'm barricaded inside the walls of my own head where her voice bounces off the walls. The minutes go by and the walls in my brain become narrower. The voice gets louder; it's constricting.
"Don't make the mistakes I made."
Seeing her there in the diner was completely random, yet this encounter stirred some turmoil in me. I never expected to see that woman again after the night she came by Jimin's place to ask him for money. As much as I hate admitting this with every fiber of my being, seeing her tonight has been quite enlightening. I'll be caught dead before ever admitting this out loud, but Evelyn knows absolutely nothing about me.
The first time I met her, was when I was at Jimin's house to use his shower, back when I was dating Taehyung. The second time I met her was the night Jimin found out she cheated, and Taehyung and I were searching for him like madmen in the middle of the night. According to Evgenia, Jimin confronted her at the Sage, and she finally told him the truth.
I don't know how she knows we're together now, but if I'm being honest, I was expecting her to be more paranoid. Jimin doesn't talk about her often and he's always nonchalant when I ask about her. I'm aware that she plays a big part in who he is today, because he loved her once and perhaps there's a reason for that.
I don't like her. The reason for it being the way she treated him. I know she was suffering because of her disorder, but that doesn't justify her actions. It doesn't justify her cheating on him. She could have ended it with him before falling in the deep end, but she was too selfish to let him go.
When you have a mental condition, especially one that is affecting your life on a grand scale, you're the one responsible for treating your trauma. At least that's what my life taught me.
Your pain is always going to be yours and it's unfair to spread it like a disease onto the people you hold dear. The only thing they can do for you is to stand by your side and encourage you to fight. It is not in anyone's power to take your pain away, just how it isn't anybody's right to take your pain away because it is not theirs to bear.
The truth is I'm still hurting. I'm still not out of the woods yet. In fact, it has been so long since I've been out in the clear. My viewpoint was covered with endless woods, blocking the sky and I've been crawling all along in the dark, resting against the cold wet ground. Sometimes it would rain, bolts of lightning shattering the murky gray sky into pieces until all there was left to do is run and run in this infinite prison, I made for myself inside of my own mind, because it was all I knew. It was all I could see. All I could feel. It consumed me in the most detrimental way possible that the only way to defend myself from calamitous thoughts was by relying on the bottle and every bottle that followed after it.
For a moment there, I thought I had escaped. I thought I finally found happiness. I thought I found it in Jimin. I know I'm the happiest I've ever been with him, but somehow it isn't enough for me right now. I still find myself returning to the blissful liquid feelings alcohol provides. I thought I had dealt with all of my issues in two years of consistent therapy, but seeing Elijah just ignited the fire I was trying so hard to put out. I was doing so well; so fucking well that for once I was actually proud of my progress, but then he comes back and bulldozes over my psychological development.
Seeing him is one thing, because the overthinking that follows right after it is much worse. And with New Year's approaching it only brings back memories I'm fighting so damn hard to bury. No matter what I do, I can't help but remember those times. No matter what I do, I always fail to cover them up. As soon as I add another layer of paint over those memories, it eventually chips off only to reveal the ugliness splayed underneath.
It never fades away.
The ugly is here to stay.
As I drive back home, I catch a glimpse of my reddened eyes on the reflection in the rear-view mirror. I haven't realized I was crying, so I wipe my cheeks with the back of my palm as I pull over in the parking lot. I get out of the car with my bag and keys in hand then rush into my apartment. Jimin's nowhere in sight. He usually sits near the water fountain at this hour and reads, because it's really nice and breezy out here at night and with the night lights open the atmosphere in the yard is calming and inviting.
While Jimin thinks he's alone, I watch him read. I've memorized every single little detail of his body language starting from his relaxed shoulders and calm breathing. His chest goes up and down, dark hair tied in a manbun to keep from falling into his eyes and to prevent from any distractions.
The way he runs his fingers carefully run through the pages careful not to wrinkle them, or how his eyes are so focused on the words he's reading, he's completely immersed, warped away in a world far away from ours and once he's swept away from this reality and transplanted in the one in his mind, I like to see the emotions coursing through his face as he lives vicariously through it all.
I need to get my shit together.
I stare into space and into the unused beach chairs next to the water fountain, before turning around. I head towards my apartment, my feet suddenly feeling heavy and a migraine playing on my temples. I roll up my sleeves and open the door then storm towards the kitchen without saying a word to Axel and a sleeping Neveah next to him on the couch. I go to the kitchen and gather up all the wine and vodka bottles from the cabinet and next stop is my bedroom. The bottle I opened earlier that day is laying on the floor with the cork next to it and Jimin's glass is sitting on the nightstand.
I pick up the items and rush to the kitchen to empty the contents. I pour all the wine straight into the sink and watch as the watery yellow liquid fall into a stream down the drain.
"What are you doing?" I hear a voice from behind me and a shocked gasp leaves my mouth. I turn around to face my brother who's staring at the bottles I'm putting away in a cardboard box.
"I'm just collecting some of the booze to give to one of Jimin's friends." I say. It's not exactly a lie. "Namjoon's having a party at his frat house one of these days, so I figured I should give him these."
"I see,"
I smile at him. "You okay?"
But he just glares back at me with a serious expression. "What happened with him today?" I don't like how he's referring to Jimin. Like he's the one at fault despite what he saw. When I don't answer him right away, he crosses his arms and walks closer to me. "Did he hurt you?"
"No." I say right away. "He would never hurt me."
"Nox..."
"I know what you're going to say but I promise you, it's not what you're think Axel." I clarify. "Jimin isn't like him."
He sighs. "I guess I have no choice but to believe that."
I put one last vodka bottle in the box and turn to him. "It was my fault." I tell him, grabbing his shoulders. "He tried to get me to open up to him and I didn't want to talk to him about it. You don't have to worry about anything."
His gaze meets mine as I complete the last sentence, but then it falls on the wines and vodka in the box. "I know you're not okay." He says flatly. "Is there anything I can do?" My brother looks at me with hope and I know what he's going to suggest. But unfortunately, this isn't a matter that can be solved with some takeout.
"This is something I need to do myself."
I grab the bottles from the table and pace outside. I put the box under the swing then look up at Jimin's floor. Yoongi's place is facing the yard and I can see the light in his bathroom is still on.
He's probably smoking weed in his bathtub to numb away the pain from his system. I was thinking of passing the booze to him but then I figured, I didn't I want to be responsible for contributing to his addictions.
As I make my way up to their floor, I clutch the sleeves of my shirt and mentally prepare myself to confront Jimin. Panting, I find myself right outside his door with my hand shaped in a fist ready to knock and when I finally gather the courage to do so, I hold my breath waiting in anticipation.
A few minutes that feel like centuries go by with Evelyn's words lingering on my mind.
'Don't make the mistakes I made.'
And just like that I promise myself that very thing by walking away in tears from his apartment.