Nox
Present
My hands are moving on their own accord, my grip choking the bowl of the wine glass so tightly it might break any second now. My fists are trembling, my entire body shaking as if I'm experiencing an earthquake. My teeth are grinding like tectonic plates under the earth' surface; all the anger and rage I've been holding hostage in my body finally breaks free and like lava it overflows, slowly burning, melting, and killing everything it grazes.
All I can hear is the sound of my blood pulsing in my veins, my shallow breathing. Silence has fallen inside my headspace, and somehow it feels like it's reverberating in the walls of my brain. In this moment, nothing else matters other than breaking the deafening quiet in my mind. I've kept quiet for way too long and I hate when my boundaries are being pushed and for some goddamn reason Jimin insists on breaking down those walls even when he sees that all his efforts will go in vain when they ricochet.
"I should have walked away from you a long fucking time ago!" In one swift movement, the glass flies away from my now relaxed grip until it crashes on the wall behind him. The ear-splitting sound of glass shattering causes the hairs on my arms to raise and when Axel's bedroom door opens, both of us turn to look him.
It's not until I see the blood staining the back of his white hoodie that my temper starts to fade away.
"What the hell is going on here?" He asks concerned, his eyes falling straight on Jimin as he grabs his jacket from the sofa.
"It's nothing. I was just leaving." Jimin replies coldly. The way he looks at me sends chills down my spine.
"Jimin, you're bleeding." I say my voice shaky, reality hitting me hard. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Let me fix this." I reach out for his arm, softly grabbing his sleeve.
"It doesn't hurt." Jimin says lowly shaking my hand away. This time his voice is softer, coated in disappointment and regret. He places a hand on his shoulder blade and turns away from me.
My heart starts to pick up as he makes his way to the front door, and I find myself running after him. He doesn't say anything as I follow him up four flights of stairs until we reach his apartment door.
I was expecting him to yell at me more, or push me away from him, but he doesn't do either of those things. His silence makes me wish that he could at least do one of the two. Push me, scream at me; something. Anything that will keep him talking to me.
Anything but quiet.
I know I fucked up, but he pushed me too far. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't mean to say any of the hurtful things I impulsively uttered.
I didn't mean to hurt him.
He fiddles with the keys in his pocket and unlocks the door.
"I'm so sorry." I say with tears welling in my eyes. "I love you Jimin."
He shuts the door in my face when he enters his apartment, leaving me out in the cold empty hallway. I don't even bother to knock on the door, because I know that no matter how much I plead and beg for him to open it, it will remain closed and yet I find myself still standing here waiting for him. I can't get his soulless eyes out of my mind, the way they were scrutinizing me back at my apartment right after I threw that glass on the wall.
My knees give up on me after a few minutes. Maybe it's been an hour, who knows. Judging from how dry my throat is right now, I'll take a wild guess and say that I've been standing right outside his door frozen for quite a while. I press my forehead against his door and just cry, waiting for him to let me in. My hand is climbing up the wooden surface while sobs and sniffles echo in the hallway. I bring my palm up to my mouth then close my eyes and weep in complete and utter silence.
There's an ache buried in my chest that I haven't felt in a very long time. The last time I've felt this pain is the night Elijah raped me and ripped the bracelet Yoongi gifted me, from my wrist. And even though these are two completely different kinds of despair, they're both equally consuming.
It hurts.
It fucking hurts knowing that Jimin is right behind that door listening to me cry and yet it feels like he's miles away from me.
I've never felt more alone in my life.
Not even when I was crying alone in my bathtub with blood trickling down my wrist.
"Jimin, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry for hurting you." I drop my head back in hopes that it will prevent any more tears from falling but instead I drown in them, so I decide to face the door. "I-I'm so sorry baby, I didn't mean the things I said." I shift a little so that I support my weight on my knees then continue. "You're right for being mad at me, I deserve it.
"And I know that all you wanted from me was to confide in you. I know that I've been distant lately and that I've been drowning my sorrows away, but it hurts Jimin. So fucking much, it's ripping me apart." My voice cracks mid-sentence and I take a sharp intake of breath. "I love you so much. So fucking much, it terrifies me. You don't understand-"
I can hear the sound of a door opening, but Jimin's door is still closed. Instead, footsteps come from behind me, and the smell of cigarette smoke invades my nostrils. I slowly turn around, only to face Yoongi weary eyed.
"Hey, what happened?" He kneels down to my level and tucks away my hair behind my ear. A cigarette is hanging from his lips as he speaks. "You look so ugly when you cry it's making me devastated. What's wrong?"
Somehow, I can feel myself laughing inside from the stupid comment but instead I cry even harder, and more tears fall from my eyes as he puts his arms around me to soothe me.
"Did he tell you?" He asks then takes out his cigarette to blow away the excess smoke. "Is that why you're upset?"
"T-tell me what?"
"About Seattle."
I look at him confused. "What about Seattle?"
Yoongi looks away and cusses under his breath. "Well, this is fuckin awkward. Seven got an internship at a communications agency in Seattle, and he's supposed to reply until New Year's."
"What? He never mentioned that to me."
"Well, it's a pretty fancy looking thing." Yoongi murmurs. "He's gonna get good opportunities if he goes."
"That's amazing." I say with a small smile.
"He'll be gone for at least four months."
My vision turns blurry, and my eyeballs are submerged under a layer of hot tears as I think to myself that after this explosive fight, I've probably convinced him to leave for good.
"Yeah..." I mumble then push off the cold floor. Yoongi does the same. I brush off the dirt from my clothes and cross my arms awkwardly. "I'm happy for him anyway."
"Liar." He snorts. "You don't want him to go."
No shit Sherlock, but that doesn't mean I don't want him to give up on his aspirations, I want to say, but I keep quiet as I wait for him to open the door.
"So, if you're not moping about Seattle, what is it?" He questions and I find myself averting my gaze. "Did you guys fight?"
I nod slowly. "Yeah,"
"Care to elaborate?"
"I fucked it up Yoongi." I tell him. "I said some horrible things to him that I deeply regret and now I don't know what to do."
"Did you try relentlessly knocking his door until you piss him off?" He throws. "Works every time."
"This is serious Yoongi."
"Yeah, I know, I just wanted to lighten the mood."
Silence falls between us and I lean against the wall with crossed arms. A tired sigh leaves my mouth. Yoongi watches me carefully as he approaches me. He scrunches his nose when he sniffs me and inches back.
"How much have you had to drink?" He murmurs.
Seeing that Jimin isn't going to open the door anytime soon, I simply walk past Yoongi heading to my apartment when he grabs my arm.
"What's wrong?" Yoongi asks sternly. "And don't you even deny there's nothing going on because we both know it's bullshit."
"Yoongi..."
He senses my reluctance, so he pulls me closer until I'm no longer able to pull my arm back. "Are you binge-drinking again?" When I don't answer, he drops his head back and runs a hand through his hair. "How long?" I stay quiet and that seems to set him off because he suddenly grabs me from both arms and starts shaking me relentlessly. "How fucking long?"
"Since Idaho."
"After the party?"
I swallow harshly. "After we went to Tamarack."
Yoongi steps closer and I inch back on instinct, suddenly feeling like my space is being invaded.
"It was a difficult time for me Yoongi." He gives me an understanding look before giving me a hug.
"Yeah, I remember."
"And New Year's is approaching, and it doesn't make me feel any better knowing that I'll have to spend it here." I continue.
"This time we'll spend New Year's at the Sage." He reminds me. "Nobody you know will be there. And besides you have Jimin."
"I don't know if I do anymore." I say then break away from him.
"In case you haven't noticed the dude would walk through fire for you. Hell, if saving you would mean cutting off his limbs, he'd probably sever every piece of his body."
A laugh leaves my lips, because of the way he put it. "He wouldn't."
"He'd cut his own dick off if you asked him to." Even though I still felt dreadful from earlier, Yoongi somehow managed to brighten my mood a little. "My point is, he loves you and I've never seen you happier so it would be a fuckin shame to lose what you two have. Sometimes you guys are so goddamn happy it gives me a headache."
"I don't think he wants to talk to me right now Yoongi." I say softly. "I hurt him really bad."
"I suggest you fix this before New Year's. I'm not going to the Sage alone. Also, I just remembered, we're supposed to go the vineyard tomorrow with Namjoon and the others."
"Shit," I gasp. "I completely forgot about that."
"Anyhow, let him cool off first, then drop by his apartment with a basket of cupcakes. Suck his dick real good and then you'll be cool again."
"It's because you say things like that, that make me understand why you're still single."
He snorts. "It's because of that pissy attitude and the fact that you smell like a brewery that Jimin hates your guts right now."
***
Hours later, I find myself sitting at the Cherry Blossom diner with a strawberry milkshake, a burger, and a side of fries. I'm stuffing my face with those greasy mouthwatering fries. Eating outside alone is rare for me, not only because I think it's sad and pathetic sitting in a public place. I prefer to eat at home when I'm not with Jimin or Yoongi or Axel to cut on any unnecessary expenses.
For tonight, I'd rather be anywhere but home.
If I stay home, it will be hard to resist the temptation of finishing off the bottle of wine I had opened when Jimin was over. If I stay home, Axel will keep asking questions I'm in no mood to answer. I saw how he was looking at Jimin and it broke my heart because I haven't seen him this frightened ever since Elijah laid his hands on him. If I stay home, I'll drive myself crazy thinking about all the horrible things I've said and done.
If I stay home, I'll go straight to Jimin's apartment and while the emotional part of me pleads to not let this day end with him being upset at me, he more reasonable part of my brain instructs me to leave him be for now. He needs time. I can't just barge in, begging for forgiveness when I'm the one who treated him so shitty.
I don't have the right to do that.
So, I keep my ass planted in the red stool and take a long sip from my strawberry milkshake as I scroll through my pictures in my phone. I rummage through the pictures we took in Idaho; the pictures Yoongi took with his camera at Boise and the videos I took of them skiing. Ever since I met Jimin, I never stopped taking pictures of him, my entire gallery is overflowing with images of him and me.
Seeing him smile in those pictures makes guilt puncture my chest until I lose my appetite. My stomach hurts and my mind grows numb as the memory of me throwing that glass on the wall invades my thoughts causing a tears to form in the corners of my eyes. A waitress is coming my way, so I wipe them away with my sleeve and fake a smile.
"Is everything okay? Do you need anything else?" She asks sweetly.
My world is falling apart, I want to say. I need a drink.
"Yes, everything is perfect." I manage. "Thank you."
"Should I collect your tray?" She inquires, gesturing at my half-eaten burger and fries.
"If its' okay with you, could you give me a go-to container so that I can take it home?" I hate wasting food and besides, I have a little gremlin at home that will jump at the opportunity of consuming street food.
The waitress at last nods yes and collects the glass and the tray from the counter and I just sit there staring into space with my phone by my side as I wait for her to arrive. I hear the door behind me open and the air turns cold. I hold onto my sleeves tightly while gooseflesh appears on my back and when I turn around, I notice a red-haired girl sitting two seats away from me.
She takes off her jacket and puts it on the stool next to her. I recognize her immediately when her blue gaze falls on me. I don't say anything to her, and she doesn't say a word to me, so she quickly turns the other way. If this is a way for a higher power telling me to self-reflect then I want to flip a finger at this entity and tell it to fuck off, because I don't want to be like her.
This is as awkward for me as it is for her, and I know she doesn't leave the counter because it would only make this moment worse. I don't know if seeing her is some kind of a sign, a higher power is sending me but having this woman sit next to me is a painful reminder of how alike we are.
We dated the same guy, we both put him through hell. We both abused him mentally and now physically when all he wanted to do is help solve our inner conflict. We both hid our truth from him and refused to communicate and now we're both suffering the consequences of eating alone in this very diner. If this isn't a sign from God telling me I'm a piece of shit, I don't know what is.
Looking at her from a distance, she seems like a nice quiet girl in her oversized sweater and yoga pants. Her face seems gentle, hell it even seems kind; she's pretty I'll admit and if I didn't know her, I would probably want to be friends with her. But knowing all the terrible things she's done to Jimin, it makes me loathe her with every fiber of my being and now I'm starting to loathe myself. She gives her order to one of the waitresses and hands the menu over with a smile, before looking down at her phone.
"Look at me harder and you'll drill a hole in my brain." Evelyn murmurs, browsing through her phone. She looks up at me with a small smile and crosses her arms. "Color me surprised. Didn't expect to ever see you here." When I don't respond, she turns around squinting her eyes like a fucking raccoon. "You're Nox right?"
"Yeah," I mutter.
"Oh, good. I thought I was talking to a stranger just now." She laughs to herself. "I can't see shit without my lenses."
"We are not friends, why are you talking to me so casually?" The words leave my mouth raw and unfiltered, but at this point I really couldn't care less what she thinks.
And right on cue the waitress finally arrives with my to-go container, and I say thanks under my breath. She looks at me first and then Evelyn and coughs lightly, perhaps to ease the tension between us and she takes her leave.
"I mean after everything you physically and mentally abused your ex-boyfriend and almost got my best friend killed." I say sharply. "You are in no place to talk to me."
Evelyn glares at me with shock engraved in her features. She doesn't falter or react, and I wait for her to finally break. "How are they?" She asks lowly. "I heard Yoongi's out of the hospital. Is he doing okay?"
She never even visited him while he was in the ICU.
Un-fucking-believable.
"I'm not obliged to answer you."
"You're right, you're not so are you telling me this to make me feel shitter than I already do, or do you just want to prove a point to yourself?"
I narrow my eyes on her. "What are you talking about?"
"Come on Nox, you're sitting in a diner all alone looking all miserable and glib when you could be spending time with your friends." She snorts. "I know pity eating when I see it. Duh, I'm doing it right now."
Whatever, I don't have anything to say to her. If I stay here longer, I might just end up breaking a glass on her head, so I grab my things and get off the stool.
"Something happened between you and him, right?"
I freeze in my tracks.
"It's written all over your face." She continues. "I know you guys are dating, there's no need to be quiet. In fact, I'm happy for you guys."
"I don't care about your opinion Evelyn. You've never had my respect, so I really don't give a crap."
But instead of getting offended at my crudeness, she just laughs. "Yeah, I see why Jimin likes you. You're no shit-taker. But a word of advice Nox, don't make the mistakes I made." She turns to look straight into my eyes as she proceeds. "I fucked up big time, by hiding every little thing I hated about myself, my experiences; all the things that shaped me and look where it got me."
Then her smile turns bitter. The light in her eyes turns dark until all there's left is hollowness.
"I lost the best thing that happened to me and almost killed your best friend."