A few mornings later, I'd woken up in one of the best moods I had woken up in, in a long time. I'd showered without help, got dressed and made myself look presentable. I had no idea what had caused the sudden dopamine rush in me, but it certainly surprised everyone, myself included.
"You're definitely okay?" Harry had asked me, watching me tie my hair loose ponytail at the base of my neck - my go to hair do the last few days as it kept my hair out of my face but didn't pull at my head like a tighter ponytail would, which would have inevitably left me scratching at my scalp, with an intense rush of pain pounding through. It actually happened one evening and Harry was left concerned as he sat at the bed and watched me remove my hair tie.
"Oh, that kills." I'd hissed in pain, even with the small movements as I tried to roll the hair tie off as gently as possible.
"What does?" He'd asked, leaving his phone.
"My head." It was a mumble that left my lips as I wasn't intending on him hearing it.
"Did you take your medicines today? You've been talking about your head hurting for the large part of the evening."
"I did. That's not why though. My ponytail was too tight." I'd explained to him, watching as he walked over to the dressing table where I was sat under the dim light.
"Do you want me to -?" He didn't finish his question, leaving it like an unfinished trail as he reached forth to help me out, not waiting for my answer to the question either. He'd managed to take the hair tie out, mere seconds later, despite it stinging me and my constant complains. "Come with me. Come to the bed." He'd said, walking there and moving our pillows out of the way so he could sit there. I was confused, yet took my crutches and followed him to take a seat on the bed. He helped me to get comfortable, laying my head on his stretched out legs. "A massage might help relax you a little." He left an upside down, gentle kiss on my forehead.
I wasn't sure how far Harry and I were from returning back to what normal was like for us, but at least at that point, I wasn't flinching every time he came near me any longer. I'd began to accept physical touches from him and my family, which they all took notice of - of course.
He weaved his fingers through my ever so slightly greasy hair and began to massage my head. I felt for him in that moment, and even tried to move my head as I hated the thought that he needed to do that. But he just tapped my nose and got me to lie back down. "I will forever stand by the belief I have that your hair is so beautiful." I went to sleep like that, that day. Just feeling calm under his touch, knowing that he wouldn't leave me for a second.
But, Harry and everyone also took notice of how often I would dip into my own thoughts, or sometimes even the void where no thoughts remained and I was blank. Such as that moment, that morning.
"Jasmine?" He'd called for my attention again.
"Sorry, what were you saying?" I'd asked him to repeat, having forgotten his question totally.
"Nothing, don't worry." A shake of the head and a soft smile in my direction yet neither were enough to quarantine my curiosity. "I was just wondering whether you were okay." He'd admitted to it, once he knew I wouldn't let him slip by.
"Oh? Yeah, I am."
"I knew you were. You're my strongest warrior, after all."
"You have other warriors?" I'd cocked an eyebrow, raising doubt. He'd frowned, both in confusion as my random urge to crack a joke and also at my specific question.
"Yeah, maybe I'll let you meet them one day. There's Anna, Belle, Elsa, Cinderella." He moves his hand in a rolling motion to say that the list still had more names.
"You know a lot of Disney princesses' names for a grown 22-year-old man." I'd said to him, which made him laugh. He didn't reply to it, just grimaced. I laughed at that.
"Hey, don't chastise me! I can know Disney princess names, okay?" He crossed his arms like a child, sulking. "Besides, I have a sister."
"Oh yeah, Gemma's 7 years old, right?" I'd rolled my eyes. Harry laughed heartily, his tummy heaving as he did.
It was nice to see the laughter return on his face, and it felt nicer that it was because of me, because lately, I was doing nothing apart from causing everyone around me pain and confusion and hurt.
Having the house full meant that the kitchen was always in use, or showed signs of being used. So when Harry and I walked in at the embarrassing hour of twelve in the afternoon, we saw a cabinet door left open, some coffee powder and sugar remnants on the countertop and some washed utensils drying on the rack.
"That's Gemma, for sure." Harry rolled his eyes as he walked over to shut the cabinet door and wipe off the countertop.
"Don't -" I was too late. He swiped all of it onto the floor. He turned to look at me, only after realising what he'd done.
"I'll clean that up." He responded quickly. I nodded my head before going to sit down, though I did need Harry's help so he came over to me as soon as he realised. "What, no snarky taunt to that?"
I shook my head. "Do you want one?"
"Yeah." He'd admitted, an embarrassed smile forming as he realised how weird that was. "It's so nice to have you back. You, with all your jokes and sarcastic comments." It almost seemed like he was pleading for me to stay like that.
"I'll keep that in mind. Though, to be fair, I'm not sure what "back" is." I'd been thinking about it a lot over the days that passed since mine and Harry's conversation in the park. I doubt I could ever go "back" to who I was. I doubt Harry could either. I doubted that our relationship would. It would have to be a new normal, that we got adjusted to.
"Back means that I have you again."
I nodded in response, smiling softly. "Yeah, well, you do."
"I don't mean to put pressure on you." He'd backtracked upon seeing the uneasiness that showed itself on my face.
"Don't worry, I understand." I told him. "I'm just out of snarky comments. Breakfast?"
"Yeah, what do you feel like having? Aside from coffee?"
"I'll just have a toast."
"Okay." He'd smiled, turning around to go to the counter. "Did I do something? Your mood switched after I -"
"No, you didn't." I shook my head. "I promise, you didn't."
"Yeah?" He'd checked. I nodded, affirming my statement.
"But I do want to say something."
"What is it?"
"You do realise we will never be able to go "back" to how we were? You can't deny that you feel different inside, Harry."
"What, towards you? My love's the same for you, Jasmine. I'll always love you the same. If anything, it'll only ever grow."
"No, I mean our relationship. Who we are as people. It's different to before." I'd now felt like I was going crazy - was I just overthinking it?
He pondered it for a while as he waited by the coffee machine. "You're right," he then spoke after a few moments of silence. "I guess, we'll never be able to be like that again - this is something so big and it will no doubt change lots of things. But when I say that it's nice to have you back, I just mean that it's nice to see you laughing about again, you know? It's nice to see glimpses of the old Jasmine, before all this."
"Well I guess it's nice to see glimpses of the old Harry too." I'd teased slightly but I was truly worn out of all of the joking by that point. Harry got to making breakfast - he even fried an omelette and cut up some vegetables and presented it on the plate all nicely. Which is why I felt terrible when I told him to finish the other half - the half that I couldn't eat. I still had a terrible appetite and aside from the sleep, it was the thing I was struggling with the most.
Well, I mean I was struggling with everything - not that I'd admit it nor let it show.
But that day was different. It was the first day I felt good in a while; not like the guilt was washing me over.
We joined Gemma in the living room afterwards. Being a Saturday, neither Micheal nor Gemma were working. And despite them going back to their place every once in a while, Harry and I wanted to have our families around us as much as possible so they pretty much stayed over with us.
"Morning, Gemma." I spoke as we walked in. "You've been quite famous this morning in mine and Harry's conversations."
She looked up from her phone as she saw us come in. "Really, now? I hope these were good conversations?"
"Well, Harry thinks you're a seven year old child and that you make quite a bit of mess." I'd said to her, which got Gemma looking over at Harry for the first time since the two of us walked in. She was amused upon hearing my comment, but she and Harry also shared their own short conversation through the eye contact they shared.
I knew the conversation went something along the lines of "oh, she talks?" from Gemma and "yeah, I know. . . but I don't know for how long" from Harry. Well, maybe not exactly like that but the pair of them wore smiles after their mini interaction which got me to mentally roll my eyes. If I knew they would make a huge deal at every step of me trying to get better, I wouldn't be trying this hard, but I guess I also should have known.
"And that's what I was making myself known for in your conversations?" She answered once Harry shook his head at me exposing him. "Harry, you can bug off. I don't know exactly what this is about but Harry, you're messier than I am and you're also the real child - we all know that."
"Shut up, Gemma, you said it yourself - you don't even know what this is about." He'd rolled his eyes, though he was also joking around.
"Are they both fighting again, Jasmine?" We heard Anne's voice as she walked in the living room, already dressed for the day. "Block it out, babe, that's what I've been doing for the last how many ever years."
"Hey, no, this time Jasmine is the reason for it!" Harry complained.
"I just told Gemma the truth before Harry could have." I smirked, finding it somewhat amusing.
"Jasmine, you're the sane one, so I believe you." Anne laughed as she sat down beside me.
"Jasmine's the sane one?" I then heard Mum's voice come through, and she now walked inside too, sitting next to Anne. "Impossible." Mum shook her head, though even she wore a smile on her face as did all of us. "You're too nice to her, Anne, but let's not bluff."
"Seems like our parents have changed sides." Harry said as though he was considering the consequence of it.
"Nah, Tracy said she doesn't think Jasmine is the sane one but she didn't say you were the sane one either. Me and you can't be on the same side - no way." Gemma raised an issue. Anne and Mum just laughed at the course of the conversation and where it was going.
"Where are Robin and Alistair?" Anne then asked, breaking Harry and Gemma's bickering.
"Robin's told me he's going around watering and tending to the plants. Has he recently gotten into it?" Harry had asked.
"I've been really into gardening recently." Anne explained. "And Robin's been helping out and trying to make himself useful. I think he's found it interesting too - or perhaps he's just doing it so then we can do something together." She laughed warmly, as though it was a secret she didn't mind letting slip.
I noticed Harry smiling fondly after hearing that. His gaze on his mother left after a couple minutes and he asked Gemma, "And where's Micheal?"
"Upstairs. He's got a work call so he's just in the room." She'd answered. "Harry, you have any plans for today?"
"Well, no, actually." He'd responded after thinking hard about what his dqy might entail but found it weird to realise that he was completely free today.
"It would be so wrong to waste the beautiful weather we've been blessed with today. Why don't we all do something together today?" I'd asked, which got everyone looking at me not expecting that suggestion to come from me.
"Yeah, we could do that. Maybe a barbeque in the garden?" Harry suggested. "We'd need to run to the shops, though."
"No, it does sound like a good idea. Let's have a barbecue today then." Anne smiled, excited.
Now, I doubt whether the excitement they all wore on their faces was because of the barbecue we'd enjoyed that afternoon or whether it was me who suggested it but I liked to think - for my sanity - that it was just because of the barbecue and not me.
Or perhaps, for once, I didn't mind thinking that I might have brought a little bit of happiness to them instead of the stress that I'd been the cause of for the last few days.
Regardless though, it would've been a lie if I didn't admit that it was such a good time. It felt like - for a while - everything was okay.
"Jasmine, babe, aren't you absolutely hot in that?" Mum had asked me as she put on sunscreen as we were all in the kitchen, preparing the marinade. I was watching and not really being the most useful, but Gemma accompanied me in the bore of it all.
"I am, a little, actually." I'd admitted, looking down at the lounge set I'd adorned that morning. I'd not really bothered with my outfit - not that day nor for a while to be honest.
"Why don't you go and change into something else, if you feel comfortable obviously?" Anne checked with me. "Seeing you like that actually makes me feel hot, if I'm honest." She'd admitted.
"Oh, Mum, there you go with that line again." Gemma groaned and I heard Harry laugh too, from where he was taking out the dishes from the dishwasher.
"Dad says it all the time too." I'd said, smiling softly at the all too familiar line.
"Because you're always dressed so warm even when the weather is boiling." Dad said, shaking his head at me, laughing softly.
I smiled in his direction before turning to look at Gemma who was sat beside me. "I'll go change." I'd said to her.
"Do you want me to rifle through your wardrobe upstairs and pick out something?" Gemma wore an excited smile on her face. "I might even steal something."
"Wow, you're very blunt." Harry remarked, laughing at his sister. "But in all honesty, I was going to go and change too, so I'll grab something for Jasmine whilst I'm at it." He'd said then, drying his hands with the towel. "Come on then, up you get, babe." He'd said to me, smiling as he passed my crutches over so I could grab hold of them and follow him. He leant down to me, whispering in my ear once everyone's attention had moved from us. "Just so you know, by the way, seeing you - end of, like in general - makes me feel hot." He'd winked before standing back up straight.
"Harry." I'd frowned, though I couldn't help the small smile that creeped its' way onto my face. I think Gemma caught the small interaction and from the smirk she sent my way, I think she knew - perhaps heard - exactly what was said by the stupid brother of hers.
"Do you have anything in particular you want me to get?" He'd asked as I sat down on the bed.
"Just get me a dress. A maxi dress - like just a casual long dress. I've got way too many of them, so take your pick."
"Okay, good, so I get to dress you up." He'd grinned at the idea of going through my wardrobe, but I shot the idea from unravelling in his mind with a glare and a disappointed tilt of my head.
But, of course, Harry went crazy with options, bringing me down quite a few clothes and disguised it with the excuse that I'm going to need more cool clothes in the room anyway as it was getting warmer now. I let it slide, actually glad that I could then choose what I felt more comfortable in - needing it to still serve as a comfort blanket for me.
I picked the plainest of all the clothes he'd brought, ignoring the bright colours and the patterns, going for the flowy subtle gingham print dress that was of the many options. But I guess all of that was an improvement from the week prior where I pretty much stayed in pyjamas or other forms of loungwear all day long.
From Harry's expression once he saw me take the dress, I could tell he knew that that's what I'd pick and I couldn't help but think that he put that as an option just in case I wasn't yet ready to be a bit daring and dress up. And if that was the case, I couldn't help but feel like perhaps I wasn't making any improvement at all.
Harry had also changed - he was wearing a loose top and a pair of linen shorts. It had to be the hottest day so far - I was sure of it.
And that was proved correct when we stepped out in the garden, no more air con to help us forget it. Harry and Micheal had ended up unbuttoning their shirts to try to get some relief from the warmth. Gemma, with her sleeveless boxy top and shorts, also did the same as Mum and Anne who wore sleeveless long and flowy dresses. Though I'd definitely changed into something cooler and freeing, the lightweight cardigan I had shrugged over my dress for comfort's sake did seem out of place. Had I not felt so exposed and uncomfortable, I too would have been the same, embracing the rare occurrence of the sun making its' presence amongst the gloomy days London's known for. But I chose comfort over the need to cool. I may have been ready to step out of my comfort zone to chill and hang out with the family, but I wasn't ready by that point to return back to the life I led prior, and yes, that included what I wore too.
I wasn't complaining though and neither did anyone else. I just sat beside the girls, watching the men get active and interested in the actual barbecuing of the food Mum, Gemma and Anne prepared - along with Dad's help, as he worked as a chef at some point of his career, some years back. He was skilled at cooking and knew the best recipes for marination.
"Micheal and I were thinking of getting a dog." Gemma told me as she scrolled through her Instagram and landed on a reel of a dog playing around.
"Really?" I'd looked at her. "What about Olive?" I referred to their gorgeous little feline pet that I knew Gemma loved with her whole heart. "And aren't you more of a cat person?" Anne, Gemma and Harry shared a crazy love for cats and the two of them had pet cats growing up in Anne's house. Gemma carried that love on and has had a pet cat since she moved out. Harry never committed to it because of touring, but always told me that in the future, he'd love to eventually have a pet cat too. Gemma, I just never thought she'd get a pet dog too.
"Oh, a hundred percent, I am. Micheal's more of a dog person though." She'd explained as she lent backwards on the bench, fixing her sunglasses that perched on her nose.
"How are you going to have Olive and a dog live together, hun?" Anne had asked, confused.
"Apparently it's possible for the two to live together. We've been taking Olive with us to Mike's sister's house quite a bit and they've got two dogs. Initially, she was intimidated and we had to separate them. But slowly, she's gotten more and more comfortable. She's calm and it's actually so cute." Gemma smiled wide.
"But it would still take her a while to get comfortable with, firstly, a different breed of a dog, and a new one that she hasn't met - since she's only comfortable around those two dogs. And secondly, it's different to make them live together, babe." Mum had responded. "I'd be careful, if I was you, because they can be friends but it can go very wrong too. We had a pet cat, Hunter - he was a very calm cat but this one time he got a bit out of hand with our neighbour's dog because he got scared and couldn't control himself. Do you remember, Jasmine, babe?"
"Yeah." I'd nodded. "They basically were attacking each other. Though, Hunter was big by this time - it was about a year or two before he died."
"I mean, yeah, it's scary to think about. But we've got our keys to our new place and we can officially move in in like two weeks. We want to get a dog because we couldn't have one here at the apartment."
"What I'd advise you both is to let Olive settle in at the new house first before you even start to think about getting a dog." Mum suggested, and Anne agreed as she nodded her head.
"Definitely." Anne said. "What dog, though?"
"A sheltie puppy. Have you seen how adorable they are?" She pouted, thinking about them, taking her phone out to Google a picture to show Mum and Anne.
"You thinking about getting a dog?" Harry then interjected as he saw the picture Gemma was showing me on her phone. Gemma nodded. "Hmm, a sheltie. Interesting." He'd nodded. "Why?"
"Why, what?"
"Why a shetland? They're mainly sheepdogs, aren't they?"
"Because they're cute. And they seem like they'd get on with other animals, and we need that so it can get on with Olive."
Harry nodded his head, smiling at his sister. "Well, just know that this'll be the reason you won't see Jasmine at your place very often, then." He'd smirked, waving the tongs towards me to point at me and make an emphasis on what he was saying which only got me to roll my eyes.
Gemma was confused. "She's frightened of dogs." Harry had explained.
"Jasmine, hun, what?" Gemma cocked an eyebrow, shocked. "Surely not. All dogs or just a specific breed?"
"Nah, all dogs. Big ones, small ones, every breed." Mum shook her head as she exposed me. Her, Anne and Harry laughed at that - at my expense and I just rolled my eyes at it. I didn't have to explain my fear.
"Now, I'm even more tempted to get a dog." Gemma had said, joining in on the laughter.
"What's the matter?" Micheal's head turned to watch his girl cracking up.
"Mike, babe, Jasmine's afraid of dogs." She'd said loudly, embarrassing me further. Micheal stared at me, surprised.
"Okay, yeah, let's all laugh at me." I'd rolled my eyes, though it was certainly nice to see them all enjoying themselves.
"Whenever it is that we get a dog, the first thing I'm doing is bringing it over to Jasmine, that's for sure." Micheal joked.
"I better be there when that happens." Harry chimed in and I turned to look at him, a death glare written over me, annoyed.
That conversation slowly did die down and eventually, Mum, Anne and Gemma fell into their own conversation - one that I disassociated myself out of because of my tendency to zone out frequently. Instead, my attention turned to Harry who was busy at the barbecue stand.
I watched him, flex his cooking skills on the barbecue. Dad, who was standing by Harry and helping him out, had left to find Robin as it'd been a while since he'd said he would be back with some more drink bottles and ice. Harry, who had been joking with him just before he left, still wore a smile as he was watching him walk away and turned to me naturally in either concern or curiosity - I couldn't tell which and nor did I care. It felt satisfying to know that in that moment, I had crossed his mind.
"You okay, love?" He'd asked, noticing how I had somehow dipped out of Anne, Gemma and Mum's conversation as they were sitting beside me.
"Yeah," I'd nodded with a soft smile. "It's just relieving to see you happy."
"Likewise, babe." He reciprocated the smile. "Don't tell anyone but this is the first time in a while that I've felt truly alive. Thank you, J." He'd whispered.
"Don't tell anyone, but I feel the same." My voice just as low as his, I made sure my words reached only him. "What is this? Are we in secondary school with all of these don't tell's?" A smirk on my face, I watched Harry's eyes light up in amusement.
"Secrets bring thrill, don't they?" He'd said. "I say one day, we leave everything and have the secondary school kind of fun."
"One day." I'd nodded, just before a yawn left my lips.
"You tired, love?"
"No."
"Bored?"
"No."
"Annoyed?"
"No."
"Love me?"
"No." It left my lips before I registered the question asked to me. I immediately panicked, though Harry wore a mischievous grin on his face, eyes glinting in the cheek of it all. "Harry, you're annoying." I groaned, and he just laughed at that.
"I know you love me, babe. Now, here's another thing for you to not tell anyone-" He'd whispered down to me, leaving a quick kiss on me - another thing I didn't register till a second later - and he then walked off to the kitchen, still unable to wipe that mischevious grin off his face.
And to be fair, I couldn't help the smile that formed on my face after that. I turned to Gemma and the others, noticing they were all still in their own conversation. I joined in at one point, not wanting to feel left out.
That's how the barbecue went on, with nothing but laughter and chatter taking space around us in the warm breeze of that afternoon in the garden. It finally felt good. Eating around the barbecue, right until sunset washed over us and we then just chilled in the garden, finishing off dessert and talking amongst one another.
It felt like the first step to making things normal.
And that's why, upon a suggestion of my own, we wound up at a restaurant for dinner one evening. Well, the suggestion wasn't entirely mine so maybe I won't take full credit - especially when it did end in a disaster.
I think Harry and I could feel from the start that there was something off about that day, as even when we were getting ready, he was suggesting I stay home.
"Babe, you can cancel if you're not up for it anymore? You and I can stay home - we'll let them all go and they'll still have fun." Harry had said to me, concerned as he made his way over to me now abandoning his clothes on the bed.
"No, no." I shook my head. "I want to go."
"You don't seem like you do, babe." He'd answered honestly.
"I mean, am I nervous? Yeah, obviously. This is the first time we're going out for dinner since. . . well, you know. . . the last time. But-"
"Then why did you suggest it?" I knew that the question had circled his mind since the night before and he'd finally had the courage to ask it.
"I felt confident then, especially after the barbecue and the last few days we'd had. I still feel confident about it - I know I want to go. But it is scary." I'd said truthfully.
"I just think it's too early, J. Honestly speaking, I don't think you're ready for it." I refused to believe it. Once I'd seen the positive outcome of the baby steps I'd taken the last week, I wanted to believe that I was ready to rush through the rest of it and get back to work, not have family around me pitying me and that I'd be able to do everything I used to do again. "I'll be by your side if this is definitely what you want to do - don't doubt it for a second." He continued, crouching beside the chair. "But I just want you to be completely ready for this."
"Why don't you think I am?"
A sigh left his lips, bowing his head down as he tried to think up a reply. "We could order in and have dinner at home. We haven't all sat together at home and eaten together - I think since the day we got back from the hospital - so maybe we do that first. It's baby steps, J. We took one step with the barbecue last time. The next step still needs to be a small step and going out and eating definitely isn't it. You're just jumping forward but you have to take things easy. J, everyone is concerned since you mentioned it."
And he was right - I knew they all were uncomfortable about it. Mum even expressed her concern to me right as I suggested it. We were all sat discussing the barbecue and how much fun we'd had and it made me the happiest to see that everyone enjoyed themselves. I was glad that I wasn't a demise for once.
"If the barbecue was that much fun, how about we go out for dinner tonight?" I'd suggested, without thoroughly thinking it through. Mum turned to me immediately, a frown on her face. The others were confused, but Mum - she was worried.
"I don't think that's the best idea." She'd voiced her concern straight away.
"It'll be fine. It'll be fun." I'd responded.
"Jasmine, I agree, hon. Going out to eat - that's taking a step too far as of right now." Anne agreed, noticing Harry was equally worried and wanted to say so much.
"Can we stop treating me like a pity case?" I'd sighed. "It'll be fun, I know it will."
Harry opened his mouth to speak up, but then then closed it again. And after a few seconds, he said, "Let's see how the day goes and we'll decide by evening whether or not we should go."
And after I'd managed to convince Harry, he caved in and there we were - getting ready for the evening. Well, I'd merely just changed into some comfortable clothes. Makeup was minimal - just a layer of concealer, and I didn't do anything to my hair apart from brushing it out and letting it sit on my shoulders.
By that point, I was already regretting it. And after hearing Harry reinforce his opinions, it did make me second guess whether I was doing the right thing or not.
"Harry?" I'd called as I watched him walk over to where he'd dropped his clothes on the bed. The hesitation in my voice got him to turn to me straight away.
"Yeah, babe?"
"Would it be an inconvenience if we just did what you said?" I'd made the decision to backtrack. "We order in and eat together? Everyone, I mean."
Harry took it in his stride, not showing surprise nor shock nor any other emotion for that matter, apart from a look of comfort and reassurance. "I'm sure that'll be okay. We can still stay dressed as though we were going out, yeah?"
"I don't mind about that. I think you're right - it's too daunting and I don't think I am actually ready."
"Let me tell everyone that the plans have changed, yeah?" He'd checked with me and I nodded my head in response.
And just like that, Harry ordered in from the restaurant we'd planned on going to instead of going out to eat. Everyone had stayed dressed as though we were going out since we did change the plans so close to the time we were about to leave by and it would have been pointless to just change back into more comfortable, lounging kind of clothes.
But by then, my energy for it had faded - perhaps it was why it made the decision of not going out easier for me. It was safe to say that it didn't end on the same note that the barbecue did. I think it also made me feel terrible when I thought of how it was because of me that we'd had to cancel the plan that had I listened to everyone in the morning, wouldn't have been made in the first place. It was a ' told you so' moment summed up and it made me feel embarrassed just thinking about it.
Regardless, I joined everyone as we sat around the dining table by quarter to eight when the food arrived and Harry and Gemma had set it all on the table.
That wasn't to say that I was enjoying myself though. I think it was probably the lowest I'd felt that whole week since getting back from the hospital, because now I was able to feel upset rather than be numb to it. And even though Mum and Dad, and actually pretty much everyone would try to reel me into the conversation, I'd find a way to zone out.
I'd watch everyone as they talked to one another, laughed around and made sure to enjoy the heck out of the evening. I think they accepted my one word answers as my norm for that evening and were grateful for even that. They thought I was enjoying myself but I felt like I was invisible; like the pain I felt was invisible.
It was a weird feeling to know I was physically present but felt like I was on the sidelines just watching in. To be lonely despite not being alone and rather in a room full of people, it was unnerving and disappointing. I resented myself for the way I'd felt but I couldn't seem to shake off those negative thoughts creeping inside my mind and taking over. It was almost like an out of body experience - as though I wasn't actually there despite registering all the conversations and observing every mannerism. It reminded me almost of Scrooge being taken around by the Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future to witness memories play out. Was I as grumpy and miserable as Scrooge? Did I need a similar enlightening? It certainly felt like I did because there was nothing I could think of in that moment apart from how tedious and lonesome the whole process was. This whole road to recovery felt like a trek I had to make on my own. Every time I could tell I was falling behind; out of step, there was no way I could catch up unless if I called for help and that was something I really didn't want to do.
Now that everyone had learnt that I didn't want to be treated like I needed sympathy, their attention had turned from being like stretched out arms to call for me to grab onto, to being like hands stuffed in the pockets of their coat on a cold autumn evening. And it was purely my own fault as I pushed them all away when they showed they'd be here for me.
Was it too late? Was I too far gone to have now reached the phase giving out fake smiles and of the acceptance of those fake smiles? Was I too far gone that everyone had given up on me now?
"Jasmine?" Harry whispered, turning his entire body to me and nudging me by the arm. "Look at me, babe." He wore a frown on his face as he turned my face towards him so he could look at me.
I was dragged out of my thoughts unwillingly and it took me a while to understand that he was trying to talk to me. I must have been out of it for a while because I hadn't remembered hearing any part of the conversation playing around me like it was a track on the radio. It didn't feel like it had any importance to me and it really sucked that any meaning had been taken out of such a lovely dinner for me.
Mum was staring at me, brief glances every once in a while as she flickered her gaze from me, to everyone else to seem as though she was part of the conversation and then at Harry who held quiet conversations with her across the table. I needed to talk to her. She was the only person who could tell how I felt without having to hear a word I said.
"What's the matter? Your food's gone cold and you've dipped out of reality." Harry picked up on my behaviour. He merely whispered but as the conversation was happening at the other end of the table with Dad and Micheal, the others heard Harry's concern and I felt their attention sticking on me like the heat on a humid summer day.
I shook my head at him, before looking back at Mum. "I'm tired." I'd replied and it was something anyone would have interpreted to mean that I was merely sleepy as the night had fallen over us like a thick blanket. But that's certainly not how I meant it.
I was tired of not being understood. I was tired of not being able to express myself. I was tired of feeling and not feeling; feeling and not feeling - the vicious cycle that burnt through my mind and led to an arduous headache. I was tired of being trapped.
It had gotten quiet after Harry's question and my blunt answer - even Dad and Micheal breaking out of their conversation. I shut my eyes, anger filling me.
"None of you understand how lonely it feels." I'd voiced my thoughts to them all for the first time. "How lonely it feels." I hated expressing myself in general, to myself, to a singular person regardless of who it was and I hated putting on a show and expressing myself to a bunch of people. But I felt something in me snap right then. Suddenly, my voice went loud and I felt anger rise in me.
"You guys giving me pity like I'm in need of it . . . it's the worst. Why can't you guys understand how I feel? I wish I could explain how conflicted I feel." I let out a frustrated sigh. "This dinner feels so fake and do you know what? You can tell me you told me so - because I know how stupid I'm being - how stupid I am. And how stupid it was - me thinking that I was ready to go out. I actually don't think I'll ever be ready - to go out, to do anything. And eventually, you all will have moved on because it's only so long before you get tired of trying to help someone - and - and - that's not to say I need help, because I definitely don't. But ugh, God, it feels so lonely because I want to explain how it feels but I can't. I need to talk but I can't bring myself to do it. I hate that I've brought you guys into this mess - you don't deserve it. Why aren't you all fed up with me by now? Well, actually, you probably are done with me but you're too kind about it. I don't think I've even ever thanked you guys for being just the best. You've been amazing to me. But even then, I still don't think any one of you understands me and it is just so tiring. And I'm - I'm sorry for being such a mess and for ruining everything. I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I can't go on like this - it is, just, so, tiring."
Once I'd finished running on that tangent in one single breath, I finally took a breath and looked down at my plate. Right then, embarrassment, guilt and dread coursed through me faster than the oxygen in my body.
Screw having emotions. I let out a deep sigh and shut my eyes. I thought to myself that if I'd not had the stupid crutches, I could have bolted to my room and avoided the aftermath, but my crutches were leaning against the wall and I would have had to ask someone to help me out if I wanted to leave. And that was only more embarrassing.
So I addressed it immediately instead. "I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from." I swallowed, before trying to excuse myself from the table. "Um, I'm tired. I think I'll head to sleep, if that's okay? It's probably better anyway." I muttered the last sentence to myself.
Harry nodded from beside me as he got up to get my crutches, putting his napkin back down. It was silent as he passed my crutches to me and it was silent as he led the two of us out of the dining room. It was deadly when we'd got to the room and I'd sat down on the bed and Harry stood awkwardly.
"I'm sorry." I'd said quietly, growing tired of the silence. "I embarrassed you."
"You did not and you don't need to apologise." He tried to break the ice between us, but his voice was just as frigid and distant so the tense atmosphere only stayed. "Do you want me to bring dinner in for you?" He'd asked me.
I shook my head. "You go back out there, you don't have to babysit me. I'll just change and go to sleep."
"That's what you want?" He checked with me, disappointed as he had clearly wanted to stay with me, keeping his promise of not leaving my side through this whole journey of recovery.
But I couldn't stand the silence and I didn't want to talk either. I wanted to be on my own. "Please?" I'd frowned, a tug at my lips as I pleaded to be left alone. "I need some time to myself."
"But-"
"Harry, please." I'd begged.
He'd sighed. "You'll let me know in case you need me?"
I'd nodded my head at him, promising him that he didn't have to worry about that and it was after repeating that to him a few times that he finally left me in the room.
I didn't call on him though. I didn't wallow and I didn't sit and overthink. I had to be asleep before he came back because there was no way anyone was getting a word out of me for the rest of the night. So I just pulled the covers over me and after convincing myself how bad I needed to get to sleep, I was out within minutes.