During Mr. Feeny's class, they were all watching this 'Leave it to Beaver' episode on how modern day family is supposed to act like, and it was so boring for Zoey. She placed her head on her hand, resting and almost falling asleep. And when the episode was over, she sighed in relief.
"So how do you feel Ward and June handled their family problems?" Mr. Feeny asked the class.
"They were too perfect." Zoey said.
"Too TV." Cory added.
"I agree with you, Mr. Matthews." Mr. Feeny told him.
Cory paused for a moment, processing Mr. Feeny's words. "That's not like you."
"In fact, you brought my today's assignment." Mr. Feeny said.
Cory nodded. "That's like you."
"Because in the prehistoric 1950s... when Cleavers strode the earth... The U.S. Census indicated that a model American family had a mother, a father, and three children." Mr. Feeny explained to the class.
"Leftovers." Cory stated.
"What are you talking about, Mr. Matthews?" Mr. Feeny questioned.
"Well, last year in fifth grade we divided up into family's and solved problems." Cory informed Mr. Feeny. "It's sixth grade now, Mr. Feeny. Family's are yesterday's news."
"Very well. This year, I shall let you form into urban gangs." Mr. Feeny said.
Cory smiled. "Cool."
"Each gang will have a mother, a father, and three children." Mr. Feeny said, correcting himself.
Cory sighed. "You just love dangling that little string of hope in front of us.... and yanking it away, don't you?"
"I had a cat." Mr. Feeny simply responded.
Shawn leaned over his desk. "I bet it hung itself."
"Probably." Zoey muttered under her breath.
"In this assignment... each participant will help the other to become an Ideal Family member." Mr. Feeny said, as he wrote 'Ideal Family' on the black board. He turned back to the class. "For instance... Mr. Hunter, Miss Francis and Mr. Minkus will be paired as brothers and sister."
Zoey rolled her eyes to the back of her head, she tilted her head up and groaned. Shawn and Minkus slapped their hands up to their forehead and shook their heads.
"Oh, no." They muttered in unison.
"Trust me. You are going to enjoy this. I know I shall." Mr. Feeny said to Shawn, Minkus and Zoey. "Now, each of you will write a profile of a model brother and sister. Then each of you must become that brother and sister."
Minkus chuckled. "You mean Shawn and Zoey has to act exactly like I want them to?"
"That's correct, Mr. Minkus." Mr. Feeny said.
Cory turned around in his seat, and glanced between Shawn and Zoey, with a wide smile across his lips.
"You two have to be Minkus' brother and sister. Nerdarama." He teased the two of them before turning back to face the front of the class, and sighed. "I hate to be the guy who had them for kids."
"Funny you should say that, Mr. Matthews, or as I like to call you... Dad." Mr. Feeny said.
Minkus' face fell. "He's gonna be my father?"
"Yes!" Cory exclaimed.
"Miss Lawrence, you'll be the mother." Mr. Feeny told her.
"No!" Cory shouted.
••••
After school, Shawn, Topanga, Minkus and Zoey were over at Cory's place, doing the assignment that Mr. Feeny had given them about modern family. Shawn and Zoey were pacing around the kitchen, looking for food. Minkus was sitting at the kitchen table, Cory was sitting on top of the kitchen counter, and Topanga stood in front of him.
Zoey watched as Topanga handed Cory a sheet of paper.
"I am Topanga's model husband." Cory read out.
Shawn laughed. "I'm sorry. I'm just flat-out looking forward to this."
Zoey chuckled softly along with Shawn, as the two of them walked back to the kitchen table and sat down.
"I live my life in harmony with the physical and metaphysical world aligned with the Navajo spiritual path." Cory read out. He paused for a moment before jumping off the kitchen counter. "Uh-huh. Okay. Um, I could do that. I'd love to do that. There's just one little thing that might through this off just a smidge."
"What?" Topanga wondered.
"I'm not a Navajo!" Cory exclaimed.
"You don't have to be a native American to be in tune with nature." Topanga told him.
Minkus turned to Shawn and Zoey. "Don't you hate it when Mum and Dad fight?"
Shawn shook his head. "No. Into it."
"Yeah." Zoey agreed as she ate a cookie. "This is very interesting."
"Well, we're not fighting long. Cause I got something here that will take the fight right out of Mum." Cory said, grabbing a piece of paper from the table, and passed it to Topanga. "Read it and weep, little big hair."
"My model wife won't care how dirty my room gets. She will always let me win at video games. She will play street hockey at any time, day or night." Topanga read out. She turned to Cory, confused. "Why don't you marry Shawn or Zoey?"
Cory turned to his best friends. Zoey scrunched up her face in disgust, as she looked over at Cory. The brunette shook the thought of being with Cory like that. It was disgusting. Shawn had the same expression.
"Because both of our kids will look like horses." Cory told Topanga.
"My turn." Minkus began, passing Shawn and Zoey binders. "Here you go, bro and sis."
Zoey furrowed her eyebrows as she looked at the binder in disbelief. There was no way she was going to read this whole thing.
"Minkus, this is, like, forty pages." Shawn said.
"Yeah, we don't have time for this." Zoey added, as she flickered through the book.
"Since I have no siblings, I spent many hours imaging what a younger brother and sister Minkus would act like." Minkus explained.
Shawn and Zoey both glared at him with pointed looks.
"Maybe something like this." Zoey said as her and Shawn both threw their books onto the floor.
The back door flung opened and Eric walked in, standing in a superhero pose, before making his way to the kitchen counter. He jumped on top of it and posed.
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." Eric dramatically stated. Zoey rolled her eyes as he jumped off the kitchen counter. "He thought he felt her hot, mossy breath on his eye. He blinked. She was gone. The beating of wings- Obsession."
"Get help." Cory whispered.
"I was discovered today." Eric told the five of them.
"Did you get discovered at the mall?" Shawn asked.
"How'd you know?" Eric questioned.
"Do you pay ninety dollars to get photos taken?" Topanga wondered.
Eric leaned on top of the kitchen counter, smiling. "Yeah, you can't model without a portfolio."
Zoey chuckled. "You were scammed."
"They get you to pay all this money..." Cory trailed off.
"And than you never hear from them" Shawn finished.
"Completely untrue." Minkus stated. "It's not a scam."
"Yeah, listen to Minkus, guys. He's the smart one." Eric told them.
"I, too, was discovered at the mall." Minkus said, with a proud smile across his lips.
Eric slapped his hand against his forehead. "Doh!"
Zoey chuckled softly as Eric placed his head on the kitchen counter in defeat. Morgan, Mr. and Mrs. Matthews walked into the kitchen, carrying shopping bags.
Morgan approached her oldest brother. "Eric, girls are gonna dump you all your life, so get over it."
And with that, she raced up to the stairs to her room. Zoey covered her mouth, trying to suppress her smile.
"He got scammed at the mall." Cory told his parents.
"Scammed? How?" Mrs. Matthews asked.
"Well, some girl told him he was cute and he forked over ninety dollars for modeling photos." Cory explained, walking over to his parents.
"Ninety dollars!" Mr. Matthews exclaimed, before he grabbed the back of Eric's collar and pulled him up. "Ninety dollars?"
"Can I speak with you alone for a second?" Mrs. Matthews asked her husband.
"No." Mr. Matthews said, raising his voice slightly.
"I would like to speak with you outside." Mrs. Matthews said as she made her way over to the back door.
"I know you would, but my anger would still be here in the kitchem." Mr. Matthews said.
"Alan." Mrs. Matthews warned.
Mr. Matthews turned to Eric. "I'll be back."
Zoey chuckled at the Terminator reference before he walked outside with Mrs. Matthews. After a couple of minutes, Eric joined his parents outside, while the five of them continued working on the assignment.
••••
Next day at School, Zoey, Shawn, Cory, Topanga and Minkus were presenting their assignment to the class. Zoey groaned as she wore a bright red hat and a big poofy clue blue and yellow dress. Topanga was dressed in a Phillies jersey, Cory had a headband around his head with a feather, Shawn was dressed up like a nerd and Minkus was dressed like Shawn.
"So, this family crises, the older, cooler brother wants to get a tattoo." Mr. Feeny informed the class. "Conflicts abound. Take it away, younger, uncool brother."
"I can't fathom why any human being in full possession of his facilities... would want to render himself permanently disfigured with so-called 'body art'." Shawn said, talking like Minkus. Shawn breathed heavily and took off his glasses. "Whoa."
"What?" Zoey wondered.
"I'm such a good geek I scared myself." Shawn said.
"Listen, pinhead, it's my body." Minkus said, acting like Shawn as he ran his fingers through his hair. "And I'll do whatever I want with it... unless maybe you'd like to try and stop me... you woodchuck faced, nearsighted underweight, future I.R.S. auditor."
Zoey chuckled softly. "Nice touch, Minkus."
"Mr. Minkus, I might remind you that eventually the bell will ring... and he will be he, and you will be you and natural selection will once again rule the black board jungle." Mr. Feeny told Minkus.
Minkus pulled out money from his pocket. "Will five cover it?"
Shawn smiled as he took the money. "Hey, talk some more."
"Okay, you live under our roof." Topanga began.
Zoey straighten her back when she turned to Shawn and Minkus. "Yeah, brothers. Listen to mother."
"We make the decisions. No tattoo. Tattoo, you, no." Topanga declared.
"A person's body is his temple." Cory started, sounding like Topanga. "If our son wants to ornament his temple with a tattoo, let him worship in his own way. Nam myo ho renge kyo." He turned to Topanga with furrowed eyebrows. "You are so bizarre!"
"I've decided, without benefit of discussion with my spouse - because that's the kind of husband I know you'll be." Topanga told Cory, sternly. "The tattoo will have to wait."
Minkus stood up from his seat and rips his shirt open to reveal a dragon tattoo on his chest. Zoey's eyes widened in amazement.
"Whoa, cool." Shawn gaped, staring at the tattoo.
Zoey smirked. "Wow, Minkus."
"Stuart, a tattoo." Topanga said, placing a hand on her chest. "It speaks to me."
"Minkus, what's the deal?" Cory questioned. "We agreed on no tattoo."
"Mr. Feeny's assignment was to solve a family problem... and I decided to solve it my way. Well, actually his way." Minkus explained, as he pointed at Shawn.
"Minkus... you've got a dark side." Shawn said, taking off the glasses. The two of them shook hands. "It speaks to me."
"Let's not go overboard. It's just a press-on." Minkus said.
Cory sighed in frustration. "Great, thanks for screwing up the assignment."
"On the contrary, Mr. Matthews. Mr. Minkus didn't screw up the assignment at all." Mr. Feeny told Cory, standing behind Shawn, Minkus and Zoey.
"Yeah, but we had our family discussion all planned out, and he messed it up. He broke the rules." Cory explained.
"Which is exactly what happens in real families." Mr. Feeny pointed out. "There is no model household. There are no model parents."
"I think the only way you can judge a family... is by how much love there is in the home." Topanga said.
"Excellent point, Miss Lawrence." Mr. Feeny said. "A family is a living, breathing thing that requires constant adjustments and change."
"But Beaver's dad never changed. You always knew what he was gonna say." Cory pointed out.
"Beaver's dad wasn't real." Mr. Feeny stated. "Real fathers have to adapt. Real father's don't have a script like Beaver's father did."
"I guess it's easy to sound smart when you've got the best writes in Hollywood writing everything you say." Cory said.
"I wouldn't know." Mr. Feeny responded.
••••
After school, Shawn, Cory and Zoey were walking through the mall. As they walked, Zoey turned to see a guy in a lobster costume, calling out to Cory.
Zoey nudged her friend in the arm. "Cory, that lobster seems to know you."
"Boy, what kind of idiot would wear one of these getups at the mall?" Cory asked. They walked over to the man in the lobster outfit. He stood and it was Eric.
"Apparently Eric." Zoey said, and Cory nodded in agreement.
"Eric, this may come as somewhat of a shock... but you're a lobster, dude." Shawn said, and the three of them burst out laughing.
"Look, Jason and I invited two girls here to watch me model." Eric told them.
"Well, I hope they bring a side of slaw." Shawn said, and the three of them chuckled.
Eric than used his lobster claw and grabbed Shawn's neck. Zoey tried to suppress her laughter with her hand covering her mouth.
"You have to get rid of them!" Eric shouted.
Shawn, Cory and Zoey agreed to help Eric get rid of the girls. The three of them were running around the mall to find Jason - Eric's friend. And once they did, Jason was talking to two girls, sitting on a bench.
"Jason!" Cory called out.
Jason turned around to see the three of them. "Hey, come to see your brother up in lights, too, huh?"
"Yeah, but he had to leave." Cory said.
"Why? What happened?" Jason asked.
"Uh... he's not felling well." Cory said, with slight hesitation.
"Yeah, he's a little under the water." Zoey added.
"Weather." Shawn quickly corrected. The three of them snickered at the joke.
"Wow, how weird." One first girls muttered.
"He was fine a few hours ago." The second girl said.
"So, I guess you want to just take the girls and get out of here immediately, right?" Cory asked.
"Is anyone hungry?" A voice called out over the P.A system. "Shoppers now your chance to win a free from lobster dinner from Larry's Lobster Locket."
The two girls immediately walked over to Jason, a smile over their lips.
"Oh, lobster." The first girl said.
"Win us a lobster." The second girls said as she grabbed onto Jason's arm.
"All you have to do to win a free meal is knock Larry the Lobster into the giant tub of butter." The guy over the P.A. system informed.
Zoey watched as they pulled off the curtain from the tub of butter to reveal Eric sitting above it. Everyone, including Shawn, Cory and Zoey burst into laughing.
"Oh, check it out." Jason said, approaching Eric.
"Oh, he's a lobster." The first girl stated.
"How embarrassing for him." The second girl said.
"Maybe we should be sensitive and understanding." The first girl suggested.
"Then we wouldn't us." The second girl responded.
"Dunk him!" The two girls said in unison.
"Hey, come on. Don't throw that, Jason. We've been best friends since we were three years old. Who are you gonna listen to? Some girls you don't even know or me?" Eric questioned. Jason turned around to the girls for a moment, before turning back to Eric with a smirk. Eric waved. "See ya."
And with that, Jason took a throw at the target and hits it. Eric went straight down into the tub of water. Everyone in the mall laughed, including Shawn, Cory and Zoey.
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PUBLISHED: January 12, 2018
WORDS: 2662