Dear to the girl who read,
I hadn't seen you for a year and the thought that I would never see you again was becoming a reality now.
Winter had officially sunk into our city and the icy cold wind had frozen the tip of my nose just on the walk over to the mall in one of my mom's last visit at Busan. I inhaled the smell of snow and nostalgia hit me dead centre in the chest at the sight of a bookstore on our way to the department store.
I hadn't been to a bookstore since I'd last bought a book for you and I promised I wouldn't be affected again, but I felt like even that is about to fail in the end.
"Faster!", my brother called out when he noticed I was slowing down in our walk.
Turning my attention back to him after staring for too long at those books, I felt a pressing need to clear my throat. I didn't have the emotional reserves for this.
The moment we entered the department store, my world stilled at what I was seeing. I looked over at the stuff toy's section, noticing this giant kid who was waving like crazy to someone. A girl waved back at him then runs to his direction before he gestured to my direction.
The second our eyes met and held, I glimpsed it. The way your whole demeanor changed.
Surprisingly, you remained standing there, never taking your piercing eyes off me. Between that and my unraveling nerves, I was starting to play down my walls.
"Okay, brother. I'll just head for the men's shoes", my brother declared, sensing all the unspoken tension between me and this girl I never got the chance to introduce to him.
I cringed. He's not subtle at all, and then he left me with a, "Be back in a minute"
He walked over to that section and I could see Daniel looking at you then to me and he's gone. We were alone then as I slowly walked up to you and sucked in a breath.
"Didn't thought I'd see you again", was all you said, your expression unreadable.
I think that was the whole point, I thought to myself. But I was sick of dwelling whether I'll see you again in the future and I honestly just wanted to move past everything, with you preferably and yet you stick for another guy which I did see coming from before.
"It's nice to see you", is what I settled on, because it was the truth.
Awkwardness aside, you brightened up my day in a ways you'll never hear about. I didn't want to keep pretending like our fake relationship and the break up wasn't affecting me.
"I can't stay. Not now. I'm sorry"
"What do you mean?", I asked incredelously.
Your mouth tipped down at the corners, unhappy, "I didn't even expect to see you here, alright?", you replied, your voice low, controlled, "I'm not trying to hurt you, but I'm not ready to face you either"
Refusing to look at you, I scanned the entire store and quickly checking that my brother isn't on their way back. Talk about extremely uncomfortable.
Then I puffed out a breath, fighting back the threat of tears, "Being here in front of you and yet so far away from you, isn't my idea of a reunion"
Beside me, you swore, "Don't. Don't do that. You know I can't handle it when you're upset", you grabbed my hand, startling me. I wasn't expecting to feel your touch again, much less be reminded of the night you drove to our house just to comfort me in the middle of the stormy night.
"You think this is easy for me? To lie at all of you that night?", It wasn't question so I kept my mouth shut. This was the last thing you will ever say to me and I wasn't about to interrupt, "I just need to forget all of you to move on. The least you can do is give me that. Please"
What was that saying? If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it's yours forever. I guess it wasn't just a jumble of poetic words after all. There was a real meaning there. And in the end, this was a matter of choice between holding on and letting go.
Before I could reconsider what I was about to do, I squeezed your hand firmly one last time because I knew I could change my mind anytime and then I forced myself to do it just as you asked of me.
I let go.
It was going to take longer than a year to work out exactly how I felt about that. That it hurt like hell.
But none of it compared to the day you broke up with me, even though none of it was real.
From the boy who once watched you read, Lee Heeseung
P.S I still love you but it's not worth it anymore.