Dear Kim Y/N,
I'd lost count of the days that transpired between the goodbye in the hospital, the day I watched you collect things from your home and the last time I spoke to you in the airport. It could've been days, weeks, months - time just seemed so irrelevant now.
Life here in SoKor had blurred for me and I was still trying to adjust on how your family is not waiting for me anymore in any time I wanted to go at your home. My mind is always so crowded with everything that had happened between us.
It didn't help that whenever I crossed path with any of the boys like Jay hyung, we would both glance at each other and it reminded me of how tormenting it was that you'd chosen him over me.
When all this time, you lead me on but like Daniel said to me, you were the kind of heartbreak I was coming to endure.
But what can I do? When it comes to you, all reasons is coming to fade and all I have in mind is you.
I missed everything about us. I missed all the times your gaze would stay caught with mine, lingering before moving away.
The shadows in your eyes were a horrible thing to see after you told me you left without letting him know that you'll leave, and I knew knew you never wanted me to know that this was painful for you, that you'll miss him more than the boy you've known longer.
And god, does it feel like a torture to know that maybe I can never replaced him. You weren't with him anymore but even your dad tells me that there were times he could hear you crying at nights in your room.
Then I'd wake up myself and lose sight of reasons why I was supposed to be mad at you, why I was avoiding to include you in some conversations, a continual conflict in me.
I'd asked Daniel for space to not talk about you for a while and he'd given it to me. When your family came to visit for Christmas to your relatives here, I'd struggled to keep my distance. I knew it couldn't have been easy for you but you were doing it anyway.
It was Friday and my mom brought my grandparents for their monthly check up. They wouldn't be home until late and they asked me to look after our new dog, Maeumi. That was how I found myself reclined in a sofa, watching TV with a sleepy puppy in my arms.
I was so exhausted that I could hardly move from sofa the all day playing with the dog but when the sounds of the keys jangling in the front door reached, my head snapped up, startled.
My mom weren't due for hours.
I saw my Uncle waving someone and when I saw Daniel waving up to me, my jaw clenched, fighting back some strong emotion. And then you walked in, in your winter boots and I almost lost it.
"Oh, hi", your eyes widened in surprise. You took me in my sweatshirt, cradling a puppy and there was a mixture of sadness and hope that painted over your features.
"Hi", I said, my voice rough as my mouth wants to shake.
"My brother wants to see you and dragged me here", you insisted, shifting awkwardly.
Over your slender frame, you wore an oversized sweater but it didn't conceal what you were - beautiful. I knew what it felt like to hug you in those thick clothes. Those memories whispers to me and they were hard to shake, hard to forget.
In all the time I had known you, you'd never felt the need to hide with me and I hated the thought of that changing, of that not being the case anymore.
"I wasn't expecting you to visit", I said quietly, not wanting to disturb Maeumi. But I also didn't want to put her down. Holding her brought a certain kind of calmness.
A calmness that I desperately needed that night as I held your gaze, as I lowered my defenses against you.
"I wanted to see you too and I brought her here knowing you'll rather have her than me, right?", Daniel inserted himself in, but instead of smiling cheekily, he holds a wary smile between the two of us.
"Funny", I muttered, carving a hand through Maeumi's fur, "I don't know if she felt the same"
Your shoulders slumped in defeat and something in my heart dislodges, crawling up my throat.
"Thanks a lot, Danny, it's awkward now", I swore you said under your breath but I couldn't be sure. You dropped some gift box in Daniel's arms.
"Well, I'll give the two of you some time to catch up", you told me and my chest grew heavier, "Bye"
You were going to leave - you were walking away willingly from me again - but I couldn't let you. I should've never let you in the first time. Your hand touched the doorknob and a bolt of fear ripped through me, springing me into action.
"Y/N", I managed, my voice gruff and frayed around the edges.
I was done. So fucking done of holding back. I'd tried holding onto the anger, the resentment but I knew you'd never set out to hurt me. Even though what you had done with Jay hyung had felt like a betrayal a year ago, I still trusted you.
You'd been so focused on carrying the weight of the universe, the knowledge that you'll leave the one you love, that there had been nothing left for anyone else, not even to me, the one your dad said was your first love.
You stopped in place, hesitating but you didn't glance at me, "Yes?"
"Stay"
You inhaled, turning your face to me and your lips parted, "Why?", you asked, your expression morphing into confusion as you stared back at me.
"Because", I began, passing Maeumi to Daniel as he headed for the kitchen to give us space, "I thought I'd at least hear from you, Y/N. That I wouldn't have been the one to keep putting myself out there. That you'd care about me enough to push Jay aside. But it's been a year and you never called personally. You've made it pretty clear that you don't want to be with me, but tell me, why did I want to make you stay?"
I took a few steps forward, closing the distance between us and pushed the door shut behind you. I caged you in my arms, and your eyes lifted to mine, full of thoughts that you didn't share with me but for once, that was okay.
I knew you were scared. I was, too. But fear or pride wasn't going to be the thing that will keep me from you.
Without fear or hesitation, my lips covered yours in a hungry swoops and you didn't respond. In fact, you were hesitating before you just sighed into my mouth and I thought the spark would be rekindle until you gently push me away and so I drew back.
"Because I know I messed up big time with you, Jungwon. Because I should've never let myself fall for another. Because I shouldn't break my promise. Because I'm sorry", you rasped and can't even look at me straight, "I've broken my promise to myself in not hurting you"
"But I forgive you. I still want you because I'll always love you. How many more reasons do you need, Y/N?"
Your palm cupped my cheeks, your brows came together for a moment then you said, "No boy has ever looked at me, loved me, the way you do, the way you're looking at me right now. How can you just forget what I did? How can you make it all sounds so easy in your tone?"
"Because", I paused for all of a seconds before saying, "I am nothing without you"
And that was just the simple truth.
Yours Truly, Yang Jungwon
P.S I still love you. Please come back to me.