YOU KNOW WHEN you think you are dreaming but you are really awake?
Well that was my case. No matter how many times I closed my eyes or tried to rid of the image of Harry laying there dead it did not work.
It had been a few weeks since the death had occurred and the police had investigated us all thoroughly. I kept throwing up every now and then, thrashing in my sleep.
I was not the only one facing nightmares. It seemed Aaron had them too. I would wake up in the late night hearing him scream in his sleep. I did not think Harry's death was the outline to his dreams. I think it brought back bad memories for him. Memories that I wish I could wipe away.
I walk towards the library with a small lump in my throat. I just could not look past Harry's death.
His corpse had looked so lifeless yet the expression holding it had been so full of fear and shock. It hit me harder then I wanted it to.
I had kept my phone completely on lock the whole week. Mom, Catherine and Lou were calling me like crazy. I did not want to repeat the horrid things I had experienced already. I just needed time.
"Morning." Alastair mumbled looking at me with a grin expression. I noted his black outfit and he did the same to mine. I suppose we both were finding this hard.
"Morning." I softly said and looked at the shelves of books. "I came to return this." I push a copy of Kingdom of Ash.
Alastair took it in his hands and placed it on the correct number format for the book. "Anything you want? Next read?"
I shook my head slowly. "No thank you." With that I walked back outside the place feeling a heap of air rush and fall in my lungs.
Why was this so hard? I did not know Harry that much and yet it felt like I was close enough to him to feel sadness wash over me.
It was strange how emotions worked. Or maybe I just get to attached to everything.
Either way I stop my thinking as Madison walks into the canteen with her eyes red. She does not look at me as she flings the door open and glanced behind her shoulder.
I look back to and notice no one there. Deciding to follow her I went in after her feeling the need for some company. Without Owen's laughter it was getting full quite quickly around here.
Speaking of him I reminded myself mentally to call Olivia at night. I was keen on knowing about every aspect of his recovery. He would tease me about it surely when he would wake up and call me a mother hen.
The interior of the cafeteria was cold and empty with shapes looming through the large windows. Because of how thick the sky was there was not much sun to light up the area and give it its usual fresh and bright aura.
At the far end of the table Madison sat with her head held in her hands. My steps were quite soft and damp from the melting snow outside so I doubt she heard me.
She seemed tense and fragile these past few weeks. I would see her but she would not be there. She was not attending classes nor was she eating. I tried to help her out but she was so emotionally unstable that I was scared I might end up hurting her.
Something was wrong on her side. After Harry's death it seemed she had gone from the fierce girl to a broken sensitive one. I did not mind that. There was nothing wrong with being sensitive and emotional. But the draft line between those changes were unhealthy.
"Hey." I whispered and tucked my skirt under my ass as I sat down on the bench next to her. She jumped a little and quickly wiped her sleeve under her nose and looked at me with a watery smile.
"Hi." She said her eyes glistening. She wiped them quickly and sniffed. "Sorry. I just feel really-"
"It's okay. I do too." I tell her and pause. "It's just been very hard. And traumatic. I've never experienced something like this and- and I wish upon no one too." I do not know what Harry's parents might be feeling right now. If he has siblings that god help them through this time.
Madison nodded her mouth screwing as she tried to hold in a sob. "I don't know-" She croaked looking at the table. I place my hand on her back as her body racks. "I just- I-" She shakes her head unable to form words.
I run her back slowly and ask, "We're you close with him?"
"I guess." She shrugs looking up. "He was a good person Bryce. And now everything- everything's changing and I don't want it to. I'm scared." She admits to me. "I'm so scared." I hug her and nod with tears running down my own eyes. I rest my chin on her shoulder and look up trying to hold in the rivers that were threatening to let loose.
"I know." I manage and press my lips together. "It sucks. And I hate it. And I want time to turn back." She nods in agreement.
"I feel so- I feel so much dread."
"Me too Maddie. Me too." I pull back with a sad smile. "But I'm here for you. Always". For some reason that made her cry harder. She pressed a fist on to her lips and breathed in and put deeply.
"Bryce there's something I need to tell you." She sniffs wiping her face. "God."
"You can tell me anything-" The door of the cafeteria opened and Liam strode in his eyes slicing between Maddie and I. I gave him a look that told him to go away but ignored it.
"Hello ladies." He murmured looking at Madison in particular. I turn to the other girl to see her sitting on her seat incredibly tense. Even her knees had goosebumps. "Sad says aren't they?"
I did not respond as he took a bottle of water from the table station and walked back out without another word.
Made for dramatic and unconventional entrances was he?
My eyes glance back at Madison who was still staring at the spot Liam had just unoccupied. "Maddie? Is...everything really okay?"
She lowered her dark eyes away from me and licked her lips. "I don't know."
"What does that mean?" I softly push. "If you have something to say then say it. Don't be scared."
"I do- I just-" She stuttered again gritting her jaw as her whole stance weakened. "Can we speak about this at your place?"
"Yeah," I nodded sincerely. "Sure."
...
"You motherfucker!" I am welcomed by the sound of profanities as I enter my own dorm which seems to be occupied by my friends.
The voice belongs to Reuben clearly. I look at Madison who still looks shaken as my eyes meet with the rest of them.
"Thank go you are here." Reuben muttered striding towards me. "Can you put some sense into your boyfriend's head because he seems to be running low on common knowledge."
"Fuck off." Aaron emerges and I gaps loudly at the sight of him. His entire face and nose was covered in blood and he tried to stop it by pressing a ball of tissue and ice to it.
I quickly snatch it from him and swat away his hand when he tries to get it back. I can see Reuben's point now.
He frowns as I pressed the tissue to his and pull him by his shirt to the kitchen. "It's really nothing-"
"Aaron Damon Mercer if you so much as utter another word I will give you a paralysis." He immediately shuts up as I go on my toes and bring out our fourth restock of the medical kit. I unclamp the locks and open the box wide searching for some ice packs. There was one.
I quickly break it and feel it get cold before placing on Aaron's lips. "What happened?"
"Nothing-"
"Reuben. What happened." I narrowed my eyes at Aaron who scowled even harder.
"He went up to Gideon and knocked him down because apparently they got into an argument on Harry's death. Gideon believes that whoever killed Harry has to be in our group." Reuben sighs as I place a wet towel and clean up the blood on Aaron's face. "Aaron disagreed and Gideon accused him of favoring. When Aaron disagreed to that Gideon punched him and Aaron returned the gesture quite... well he looks better then the other." I feel Aaron's stare on my face but I concentrate on fixing him up. Everything about the situation was wrong and immature.
But then I forget who Aaron is.
The same guy who tells people at the mall or airports to fuck off when they walk too slow or too close to him.
"I already know who the blackmailer may be." Aaron announced and my eyes finally met his. I placed the wet towel soaked in red and make him hold the ice as I cross my arms.
"Who?"
His eyes looked behind me. "It's-"
"I didn't meant it to get this far!" Madison suddenly burst. We all turned to her flustered as she covered her face and cried. "I didn't think it would go this far. I just needed the money. And- and Liam had it. Liam promised to give me the money bin turn for Bryce and I- I said yes." She sobbed even louder then before.
A well of something filled me from the inside out. And I think my face had gotten the mirror of my feelings because as Sersha walked in she halted at the scene closing the door behind her quietly.
"You killed Harry?" Aaron said his voice an undertone of bitterness.
Madison did not speak up.
"Did you murder Harry Madison? Did you stab Owen and blackmail Bryce?" Aaron pressed with a more dangerous stance. She looked up with teary eyes and stared at us all in shame.
"Yes."
"For fuck's sake." Reuben muttered gripping his head. "For fuck's sake Maddie!"
She flinched at his tone and her eyes travelled to Sersha for help. "I don't know who you are." Sersha said monotone. "What were you thinking?"
"I was broke." Madison pleaded at all of us. "I was broke and scared and this was the only way-"
"You are telling me that betraying your friends was a better option then asking them for money?" Aaron laughed out bitterly, shaking his head in disbelief. "Do you know how much damage you've done. You took a life Madison. And not in the goodness of others too. You murdered."
I agreed with Aaron. For the first time in my life I looked at Madison with nothing but hate. Nothing but glares and no affection.
She messed up.
Those rendezvousing behind our back, lying about her parents, buying stocks from the Vipers and now teaming with Liam. It was selfish and it hurt. It hurt badly.
"Please try to understand." She begged. "I didn't mean all of this. I didn't mean any of it."
"You sold us out!" Aaron shouted. "You fucking got us all fucked."
"I didn't-"
"You mean this to happen Madison. Accept it. Bryce's safety has been compromised because of you." Reuben snarled at her. "I can't with you. I really can't fucking stand you." He shook his head walking put the door. Aaron followed slamming the door behind him shed enough for the TV to rattle on its hinges.
Madison stared up at the ceiling and bit back a whimper before her gaze landed on me. Sersha walked out my side slowly brushing past me.
"Please. Bryce. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
"I can't forgive you." I say with my voice wavering. Here I was loosing a best friend in the worst possible way imaginable. She was not dead. She was alive and yet her worth meant nothing to me. "I just can't find the humanity to."
Her eyes dart to Sersha who bows her head abs stays silent. "Bryce we are friends-"
"We were." I firmly tell her. "You ruined it when you made a series of mistakes. Not one but many. And now I want nothing to do with you no matter how much you want to be forgiven. I don't think you deserve mercy." I was being harsh, I know. But I had no other words to say. I spoke what I felt. And I felt what she was enduring on all of us.
"Sersha-"
"Just get out." Sersha exhaled, hugging her arms. "Get out Madison."
Madison looked at us stubbornly moving towards us and gripping both of our hands tightly. "I'm begging you both. Forgive me. If anyone finds out-" I pull my hand out of hers immediately as if she was made of acid.
I screw my face at her in distaste. "You think this will stay here? Maddie you are out of your fucking mind if you think we will not do what is right. You may have sacrificed your moralities but people got hurt in this process. Badly. So please just get out." I strode to the door and hold it open for her. She hesitantly lifts her leg and looks at us both one last time before walking out slowly.
I shut the door. I meant that in more ways then one.
The air become dense and my head was heavy. I leaned against the door and closed my eyes. "What has happened, Sersh?" I whisper.
Sersha reached out to my arm and blinked back tears. "I'm trying to figure that out too."
...
"We should report her." Jordan manages to say. I look up from where I was sitting on the ground with my arms on my knees. "It's the right thing to do."
"I know." I said and sniff. "I should tell Simone-"
"What do you mean you?" Aaron interrupts looking at me. "I'll go with you." He gently puts out as I shake my head.
I run my hands through my hair and bite my lip. "No. No. It's bad enough we might already be associated with this stuff. Aaron you need to lay low since you were directly associated with the Vipers. Same thing goes for Reuben and the boys. And Sersha and Emery I would prefer it if you guys stay out of this too."
"No way." Sersha exclaims. "I am not letting you take the blame for something the birch caused."
"It's the best option we have."
"Well then we'll find more options." Emery sternly put out. "You want to go to Harvard and we can't have you getting in trouble in any way."
"There's a good chance I won't get in trouble." I try to convince them. But the truth is I am trying to convince myself.
Because ultimately I will get the fault for this. Not to be sexist but I am a girl. And Liam happens to be a male who wants me. And when presenting the case of him trying to kidnap me through another girl... well let's just say my figure will be critiqued.
It will not help either that the whole school seems to be against me. But if saving the only family I have so luckily gotten is my consequence then that was fine by me.
"Love, we both know the truth." Aaron paused and look around at us. "I think maybe we should try finding some evidence to back this case. We know for a fact that Liam has intel here. Which means whatever footage we would have had on keeping him at bay has vanished. And if Madison's exposure has brought anything it is that she was not as much of a valuable asset as we thought her to be. No matter how fucked up Liam looks he is smart. I hate to admit that." Aaron bitterly muttered fiddling with his rings.
Reuben scratched his temple and licked his lips, placing a leg over his knee. "If we, presumably, do obtain this evidence. Then what are the chances of Liam getting to Bryce. We do not have a lot of information on him and for all we know he could have anyone standing at any door trying to nag Bryce to him." I gave him a thank you smile to which he nodded at me for. Again I was lucky to be able to call these people my friends.
Aaron exhaled leaning against the armchair in frustration and exhaustion. "Then what do we do?"
Each one of us exchanged looks of uncertainty. It was understandable that neither of us were ready to deal with the presentable bad outcomes of this.
Our minor issues could be expulsion and our most senior ones could be the act of under police vigilance or worse. Either way it would stain our reputations that all of us were trying very hard to maintain and clean as possible.
We all had futures that were dependent on us and being in a second chance school does not portray the best light on our CV's.
Emery looked at me twirling her necklace around her index as she slowly spoke. "What if we... get the information that is tangible." I gave her a look as if to say go on. She looked at Jordan for support and he held onto her hand for encouragement. "What if we... use Madison? I know it sounds wrong but... the least she could owe you guys is some sort of rightness and she seems desperate for forgiveness so..."
I took a deep breath and shrugged. "How do we know what she is saying is the truth anymore?"
Emery nodded pursing her lips. "Yeah. I just thought-"
"It's not a bad idea." I assure her. "I just want to know that she is willing to make things right by actually being honest and transparent. She fooled us for a long time another cat could possibly be up her alley."
"I don't prefer speaking to the bitch either." Aaron stretched his arms over his shoulder. "She wants forgiveness she can beg. But we don't owe her anything."
"You are right." I look at Aaron and raise my eyebrows slightly. "But she owes us."
"Yet the truth part is still incertitude. She is still at the stage with a lot of inhibition." Reuben pointed out. "But... guilt is wonderful factor that humans cannot always outsmart." Sersha rolled her eyes at him muttering something about poets to which he kissed her cheek.
"Then I have a very unequivocal idea." Aaron teased at Reuben who rolled his eyes. "I will bring one of the pistols and point it at her head. Fear is also a wonderful factor that-"
"No." We all shouted at him to which he flipped us off.
"Any rational ideas?" Jordan opted instead.
"I go with Reuben. We use the only card we have which is hope. If she lies then that's that but we cannot show her we are worse then the people she worked with because we are not." I decided with a stubbornness. "Anybody object?"
"The judge has ruled it." Jordan announced. "We bring out our good guy pants."
"That sounds messed up in my head." Aaron dryly put out. I laugh a little waiting for the time where everything we all go back to normal. That everything will be as it should be.
I guess Andrea was right when she spoke about assessing my environment. Though Life took my best friend away it also saved me from the toxicity of being used. And the latter was more formidable and useful to me.
I would rather have the ugly truth then be patted down by sugared lies.
...
I walk back out the bathroom and apply moisturizer on my face. I was so tired and the least thing I wanted to do was work.
Luckily a majority of school itself was suspended until further notice from the ministry of education and until the investigation team deemed it safe for students to be able to interact fully again.
Right now everyone was to be centered on school grounds under lockdown.
I suppose once we tell the officers about Madison's involvement they would all be receiving a great pay rise and maybe have a field day.
I take off my shirt, pants and bra and pull on an old oversized shirt that says Rolling Stones and pull on a pair of cotton shorts. Taking the claw clip out my hair I run my fingers through my hair loosening up the tightness circulating through my scalp.
When I get more free I really need to go to the salon and get the hair softening treatment because my hair is always tangled or just limp.
I open the door- mostly because I was too scared to have it close at this time- and finish up the rest of my night time routine which consists of applying face oils, body yogurt from bath and body works and some hydrating lip balm because the inter season made my skin so dry and my lips would look hideously chapped.
"Hey you." Aaron sleepily says leaning against the doorframe.
"Hey." I say back walking up to him and placing my arms around his waist. He smiled down at me with a drowsy expression. "You should sleep."
"I can't seem to without you." Aaron twists my hair around his fingers and sighs. "I- can you please stay with me? Like sleep with me? It's stupid but I can't without you beside me it's just a habit formed. But-" I shut him up with my lips and chuckle against his.
"I would love to." I pull back as he pouts wanting more.
With school life and late night calls I had been sleeping in my own room to avoid disturbing his slumber. And after Harry's passing we both were too scared to say anything to each other. But when he would shout or I would become frantic at night we would sleep together in each other's arms with the only comfort we could offer: each other. And it worked all the time
I made way for him to enter my room and he gave me raised eyebrows at my bra which was hanging off the bed. I became red and quickly took it and tossed it into my closet before shutting it close behind me.
"I liked the view of that." He smirked as I rolled my eyes. "But I think the view of you without it is even more pleasing."
"Oh shut up horn dog." I shoot at him as he laughs. We both make way into bed and cuddle up against one another with the night light on since I think we both would need it for a while. I know I need it. "How are you?" I ask.
Out of everything in our relationship my favorite part was when every day we would ask each other that question just to make sure nobody was going through a silent battle that could be helped. He understood my mental health and I understood his. And though we both were taking therapy we also knew how to respond to each other because we both have experienced things that we like and so like during our lows and highs.
"I'm... hurt." He confessed as I pressed my head against his chest. "Maddie and I had been friends since we were practically embryos and now things have taken a drastic turn. How can she turn her back on us so easily?" I exhaled biting the inside of my cheek.
"I don't really know. I guess we just weren't enough for her." I say the harsh reality. "We will heal Aaron."
"I know." He murmured running a hand down my shoulder. "I just am scared that I might lose you." I turn on my stomach and place a hand on his cheek. His eyes were vulnerable with fear ladled onto them. He was scared to lose me but I was so petrified to lose himself.
"I'm right here." I kiss his lips softly and say, "I'm not going to leave you."
He knew that but he still wanted me to voice that out to bring him peace of mind. "Thank you." He sincerely said. "You saved me. You still are saving me."
"You saved me Aaron." I confess with a grin. "I would have been somewhere else if it weren't for you." He took my hand and kissed it gently.
"We saved each other, love." I nod as he tucks me back on to his chest. I shift to the right so his chest is against my back as he fixes the pillow and hugs me from behind.
"You're my saving grace." He tells me. "You're my west. You're where the sun, stars and the moon set and align perfectly to rest. You are my destination." I lace my fingers through his and squeeze it three times.
I was not good at words and could only let him know how much he meant to me by just loving him everyday.
And I would till all the stars, moons, sun, planets and everything finally align to a rest and infinite doing so beyond.