Chapter Twenty Six: Fuck The Summer Up
Manhattan, New York
April 6th
Beyoncé G. Knowles:
"You fucking knew! And you sat in my face acting like you didn't!" Onika grabbed a glass bowl from her cabinet. I thought she was about to sit it down, but it seemed like she'd gotten frustrated and threw it in my direction.
I ran off fast and looked at her like she was crazy. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Me?! I'm not the one with the problem! I don't see how you can sit in my face, smiling and laughing while knowing your best friend was fucking my husband."
I squinted at her. "You keep on calling him your husband. What happened to all that hot shit you were popping about divorce papers and separation? You did all that to get some?"
"No! I gave him the papers!" She was walking up on me until she was in my face. "I gave him the papers Beyoncé."
"I'm not doubting that you did, but you care too much not to feel some type of way for that man. That shit makes you look real phony to me."
"We were married for 13 years and I had just found out about him cheating on me and I just found out the woman he was in love with is your best friend—"
"None of that matters. You're in love with me," My voice cracked unexpectedly. It was selfish of me, I know, but I didn't want her to feel any kind of way about anything pertaining to Giovanni. When it came down to love and passion, I wanted there only to be me. I could feel a lump in my throat forming. I felt like I could cry. "If you're in love with me the way you say then you shouldn't even be this angry no matter who the girl was."
"You know that's not how it works. I loved him for more than a decade. Of course I'm going to feel a way."
"If that's the case, stop getting mad when Aditi comes up in the conversation."
She rolled her eyes. "It's not the same thing. You don't know that girl."
"You didn't really know Giovanni."
"Fuck you."
"And you still sticking up for him? You know what? I'm really done with you. Don't call me, don't text me, don't send me no messages, nothing. Just leave me alone," I turned to walk away from her, but I felt both of her hands on my wrist immediately.
"Stop. I didn't mean it. Please."
"Onika get off me. You don't feel about me the way I feel about you, and that shit is becoming obvious. You're addicted to sex and you lie about how you feel when we have sex. It's cool though. I told you this shit wasn't realistic anyway."
I tried to walk away again, but she removed her hands from my wrists and ran in front of me. She placed her hands on my stomach, looking up at me.
"Please don't leave baby. It's not like that, I promise."
She was becoming real crazy to me. She'd thrown a plate at me and now she won't let me leave. If I knew the woman was this confusing and insane, I don't think I would've pursued her.
"It is like that. You're only so mad about Megan because for some unexplainable reason, you still love somebody that would tear you down in a heartbeat. You do you though."
"Beyoncé I love you," She wrapped her arms around my waist, still looking up at me. "I'm so angry with Giovanni but he's dead—"
"That doesn't mean you take that shit out on me. I've never done shit to you but make you feel alright about your fucked up marriage. All that and you still continue to treat me like a pawn in your game."
"I told you it's not like that. I'm allowed to be angry with you for not telling me that your best friend was the one my husband was with on my birthday," She looked like she wanted to cry, like the events of her birthday had been stored away and they still hurt her deeply.
She still loved him, and I hated it.
"You're not allowed to be angry with me for that because you know Megan is a permanent part of my life. If I told you when I found out, you would go after her and I would be forced to choose."
"And you wouldn't pick me."
"See what I'm saying? This is why I didn't tell you. You want me to choose like y'all are high school girls or something. You're a grown ass woman and we aren't even in a relationship. You can't even be real enough to tell me that you do still love Giovanni when it's very obvious."
"Why are we arguing right now?"
"Stop trying to get out of the conversation. You know why we're arguing."
She did it all the time, and usually I'd let her get away with it but not this time. Her eagerness to get out of hard conversations in hard situations that she made pissed me off.
"I love you," She rested her chin on me, wrapping her arms tighter around me. "I'll leave her alone."
We just stood there until I felt her unwrap her arms from my waist and use them to hold my cheeks. She pulled me down, pressing her lips against mine. I wasn't kissing her back. I knew where this was headed and I was still mad at her.
She unbuttoned my pants and ran her hands under my shirt, caressing my body. My breathing picked up. She reached up further and unclipped my bra, making me sigh. As soon as I did, she had her tongue in my mouth, playing around with mine.
I couldn't help myself. I grabbed her ass, yanking her closer. Her hands fell into my pants, feeling on me through my underwear. I pulled her skirt up and pulled away from the kiss.
"Loving you is so hard Onika."
"I know," She dropped my pants and underwear, not bothering to look down. She pulled my shirt off and I got frustrated with the buttons on hers so I ripped it.
I snatched her up, letting her wrap her legs around my waist.
"I'm sorry baby," She whispered in my ear, kissing it. "I'll do better."
When it came down to this woman, she really was my weakness. Sometimes I hated myself for the way I loved her. It seemed like no matter what she did, no matter how low she made me feel sometimes, no matter who else she loved, I loved her anyway. I was beginning to understand Emilio.
I laid her down on her bed and kissed her slowly, passionately. I needed my feelings to show and transfer deeper.
"Onika I love you."
"I love you too baby."
I stared into her deep. "You don't love me the way I love you. Every part of me loves you. Every bone in my body loves you."
I kissed her forehead then trailed kisses over every inch of her body, front and back. I caressed her smooth skin as I kissed her thighs from behind.
I kissed up her spine and moved her hair out of my way, kissing her shoulder. She turned her head to me, our eyes meeting. "Take me seriously."
"I do," She intertwined our fingers and turned over again until she was laying on her back.
She wrapped her legs around my waist, gasping when I pushed inside her slowly. I never took my eyes off of her as I thrusted into her steadily, pushing deeper and deeper with each thrust. This time, it wasn't just about sex to me. She had to know how much I loved her. My emotions were running so high, my vision became blurry and my tears dropped onto her.
She tangled her fingers in my hair and pulled me down. I buried my face into the crook of her neck, hearing her heavy breathing and moans in my ear. With my body pressed against hers, submerged deep inside her, she just had to feel my love.
This was about pushing every trace of love she had for her husband, out of her system. I needed and was determined to have and conquer every part of her. I needed her to stop thinking of him, stop loving him.
❦
"I'm sorry," She crawled to me, looking like the flirty feline she was, resting her head on my thigh. She was looking up at me, her dimples sunken into her cheeks.
"You use that face to your advantage."
"I never lied to you about how I felt. Sex or no sex, I love you, but you can't be angry with me for being angry that you knew about Megan. You knew I was trying to find out."
"I know, but you can't be angry with me either. My reasons for telling you are valid. I know you. You lie about what you feel, your feelings turn into actions, and I won't let you do that to my best friend."
"Gi—"
"I don't wanna talk about him," I looked away from her.
"I love him the way you love Aditi."
My head snapped back to looking down at her. I could tell my emotions showed up all over my face.
"See? I'm not the only one who lies about what they feel."
She had me thinking of Aditi again, wanting to defend her but knowing I couldn't. I wished we could stay away from this conversation. I wondered where Aditi was and who she was with. I wondered who she had put in my spot, loving them with that huge heart she had, hiding their secrets in a chasm so deep.
"Look at you, thinking about her."
"If I could help it, I wouldn't."
"Right," She slowly moved away from me. I crawled to her, trying to get behind her, but she shrugged me off. "Stop."
"Stop? Don't start a conversation and stop it when it gets hard and you get answers you don't want."
"You shouldn't love her."
"Why not?"
"Are you fucking kidding me? Why not? I tell you that you shouldn't love her, and you say why not? Like a dumb ass."
"Woah," I stared at her until she finally looked at me. "Where did that come from?"
"You're not even trying to hide it."
"I'm right here with you."
I wouldn't tell her that Aditi had purposely taken herself out of the equation so that I could love her properly. I didn't want her to talk bad about Aditi. It'd hurt my heart. Aditi was still the solution, the way she always was. This time, the solution hurt.
"That doesn't stop you from loving her."
"And nothing stops you from loving Giovanni. Neither of us can help it, but you see where we are. I'm here with you because I wanna be," I kissed her cheek and wrapped one arm around her waist, pulling her to me. "Stop talking about Aditi. You don't see me with her."
"Beyoncé let me go," She started trying to pull my arm from around her waist.
"No. I—"
She yanked out of my embrace, running off, snatching the bathroom door open. I could hear the gagging not even seconds later.
I got up to follow her. She had already pulled her own hair back and had pulled her shirt up to challenge the heat in her body. I kneeled down to rub her back until she scooted back against the wall. I followed, sitting across from her with my knees to my chest.
"It was a matter of time," She laid her head on her knee. She didn't even sound alerted.
"'Cause you like to take condoms off."
"And you don't like to wear them in the first place."
"Come here baby," I called her and she crawled over, straddling my lap. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I rubbed her back. "You not slick. You stopped taking them pills."
I felt her smile.
"Ain't no way you just suddenly get pregnant after not getting pregnant for so long."
"It's not my fault," I felt her tongue on my neck, circling around my sweet spot. "Should've kept it to
yourself. Now you got a baby."
"I'm not even established yet."
"I got y'all, don't worry."
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