Chapter Fifteen: Poison
Los Angeles, California
December 25th
Onika T. Maraj:
I watched as all my siblings opened up the gifts that I'd brought for them. I was so happy to see them happy, nothing else mattered to me. I hadn't touched my phone since I got here. My mom made it a point for us all to have so much fun and so much conversation that our phones weren't even a priority.
All of my siblings—no matter whose side—were here. I was surprised to see that my brother and sister on my father's side remembered me, but they did, and they were anticipating my arrival.
Ming stayed with my mom and she had been waiting for me to come home and see her for years. I wanted to apologize to her, promise her that I would come around more. Whenever I'm able to get her alone, we could have a heart to heart.
I sat up on the island beside my mom, listening to my family talk my ear off. When I tuned in, they were talking about Giovanni, asking me why he hadn't come with me.
"You know we love to see that gorgeous ass man. Where is he?"
"His ass is at home, whining like a baby."
"Why didn't he come?"
"I didn't want him to keep traveling over and over and he didn't either. It's okay."
The truth was, it was really okay because I didn't even want to speak to him, let alone spend time until New Years with him. He could kiss my ass right now. He wanted to sit around and 'confront' me with nothing, but I knew for a fact he was cheating on me.
We didn't like each other right now so I needed him to stay away from me. If we stayed around each other for too much longer, we'd be at each other's necks and I would end up running my mouth in a fit of anger.
"That boy could've come to see us."
"Mama," I rolled my eyes. She always liked him too much because he was a kiss up and would do anything she asked.
"If you're making that man mad in any way, fix it. You know he can't stay mad at you."
The only thing I didn't like about my mother. When it came down to men—or my man—she would make sure I went to the ends of the earth to make him happy, to stroke his ego. I wasn't doing that shit. If he couldn't do it for himself, there's no way I can do it for him. A grown man, looking for a woman to stroke his ego and make him feel good. Please. I'd be damned if I burdened myself more than I needed to just to make a man's life a little bit easier.
He could stay mad all he wanted, I didn't care. I wanted the storm to clear so that I could finally get back on track. Being so addicted to Beyoncé while loving my husband in the same breath was never in the plan, but I couldn't stay away from her.
"Girl what if she's mad at him?" Ming asked my mom, putting her hand on her hip.
"That explains why he's not here."
Everybody was staring at me, wanting me to clear up the rumors my mama had spread. I just rolled my eyes.
"Worry about y'all selves."
They went back to regular conversation, but my mama could see right through me. Maybe I was off, maybe I wasn't as enthusiastic as I should've been, but she saw. I knew she was going to wanna talk to me about it too.
Just like I'd expected, when everybody else was asleep, my mom walked in my room and sat at the foot of my bed. She just stared at me until I put my phone down beside me.
"Wassup mama?"
"I should be asking you that."
"What you mean?"
"Stop beating around the bush with me girl. You know what I mean."
"We're fine mama, we just hit a rough patch. We'll be fine."
I didn't even know if I believed that. My marriage was crumbling. I was trying more and more to get away from my husband when I should've been trying to get closer to him so we could fix this mess. I wanted to talk to him about his mistress, I wanted to know if he still loved me. I'm sure he wanted to know the same things, because I knew for a fact that he knew I was cheating.
"Lies you tell."
Tell my mother, or not? I didn't want her to see me differently for the choices I was making and continued to make. It was a hard situation to understand, but Beyoncé made me feel good. She moved through my system like a virus, taking up all the space for anything or anyone else. She was there and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get her out.
"Tanya.."
"Mama it's complicated."
"What's complicated?"
"I cheated on Gio."
"Wha—"
"He cheated on me too."
She furrowed her eyebrows like she didn't understand. "So what's so complicated? Y'all don't wanna be together no more?"
"We do, I know we do, but he's in love with her. Whoever she is, he loves her."
"Do you love who you're cheating on him with?"
I shook my head. "I can't."
"But do you?"
I just stared at her. I just told her no, why is she asking me again?
"What you mean?"
"What I said. You said you can't, but I didn't ask you if you could, I asked you if you do."
"No I don't. I love my husband."
"Start from the top, because now you're confusing me."
So I told her everything. I told her about Beyoncé's eye-fucking every time she saw me, I told her about Beyoncé's boldness in the bathroom of the associates party, I told her about my retaliation in the bathroom of the restaurant, I told her about me inviting her to my house, and I told her about me not being able to peel myself from her body whenever she was around me. I was aroused by her and always fulfilled when she came to relieve me.
"You cheated on your husband with a student that you've now caught feelings for is basically what you're telling me."
"I don't have feelings for her."
"Yes you do. You said she made love to you when you found out about Giovanni cheating. Those sound like feelings."
"From her."
"Onika you came from my womb. I carried you right here," She pointed to her stomach. "For ten months. You may have left this home, but you've never left me. I know you. You have feelings for her."
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't know. I always made it a point to never speak about my feelings with Beyoncé and vice versa. I tried to keep it sexual only, I didn't want to like her, I didn't need to, I couldn't.
"If that were true, what would I do with that mama? Nothing. I can't have feelings for her and get away with it. It's not realistic."
"Life isn't realistic. Crazier shit happens every day. Tell me the truth. Do you have feelings for her?"
I shrugged again.
"Onika Tanya Maraj, don't play with me."
"For real mama, I'm being serious. Excuse my language, but we be fuckin'. The only time emotions got involved was when I found out Gio was cheating. Even then, we were having sex."
"You said making love," She smirked at me.
"She was just making me feel better."
"Right," She smiled at me then stood up. "I'm your mother and I refuse to lie to you. I know you have feelings for this student of yours, I understand. A lil' young something to play with is always fun, you just have feelings for yours. I know you're scared because none of this is ideal, but I'm always going to tell you to follow what your gut says. If you love Gio and you think the two of you can get through it, fix it. If not, let it go and move on. No sense in staying somewhere you're not happy."
I let her words stick with me the entire night. I couldn't even sleep, I was fidgeting so much.
I was scared because I knew I had to talk to Giovanni and I had to tell him the truth, but he had to do the same. If he could tell me his true feelings about his mistress, I could tell him mine.
Maybe it was time for that divorce.
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