- Sofia's pov -
It's been 2 weeks since the incident at practice. Now it's the last week of January and everything is going by so fast. The girl's have tried to get me to talk about it but I just deny them every time. I feel like I'm pushing everyone way. I don't want to burden anyone else with my messed up problems. I feel like a waste of space, every breath I take, is one less breath for someone who matters.
One week from today will be the 2 year anniversary of Luke's death. I knew my parents would start spiraling, especially my dad, but I didn't think it would get this bad so fast. My mom has been drinking none stop, smoking whenever she wants too, like her life means nothing. My dad on the other hand is just getting angrier at me by the second. All I do is exist and he hates me for it.
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It's the last period of the day and all I can think about is going to his gravestone after school. It's been months since I visited him. Everything has gotten worse, my grief, my dad, the sorrow. I couldn't handle seeing him 6 feet under, but I know I need too. I used to go every single day after school. I would pick up flowers from Ms.Grayson's shop which was conveniently a block away from the cemetery. Everyday turned into once a week, then once a month, then once every few months, then ever since the 1 year and 6 months mark, I stopped. Ms.Grayson even came by the house to make sure I was alright.
My leg was bouncing up and down under my desk. I was watching the clock tick tick tick. Finally the clock hit 3 o clock and I threw my backpack over my shoulder and basically bolted out of the room. I was looking down at my feet, counting my steps until I was out the door, but was interupted by Alyssa who grabbed my wrist and flung my to the side.
"What is up with you today?" Alyssa said softly, raising her eyebrows at me. I took a quick look up at her then to my surprise, Luna and Riley were right behind her with worried expressions on their face.
"Guys I'm fine. Really." I said yanking my wrist out from Alyssa's grasp.
"Your not 'fine' Soph!" Riley snapped at me. Alyssa and Luna both glared at her for snapping at me.
"Sorry.." Riley mumbled under her breath. I turned to walk away but once again Alyssa grabbed my wrist and twirled me around.
"Sofia come on, you used to tell us what was going on, what happened?" her voice almost cracked. I immediately felt sorry for how I was casting them out, I didn't mean to push them away, it just happened.
"I- i'm sorry. I don't mean to keep things from you guys, just recently things have been worse okay? I do not want to talk about it. But today I'm extra anxious because I'm going to Luke's grave right now." I said, shielding my face form their surprised expressions. They all immediately softened their eyes and focused on me.
"I'm happy your finally facing it Soph, just we are always here for you, always." Luna said, rubbing my arm. I nodded and thanked them. As soon as I was out of their sight I started running, basically sprinting to the flower shop.
Once I made it to the door I laid my hands on my knees and caught my breath before making an entrance inside. Once I was breathing properly I opened the door to hear the bell chime, making me sheepishly smile at the memory of the bell.
I took a quick look around and approached the counter. Soon came out an elderly lady, with glasses and her hair down and straight, also known as Ms.Grayson. My small smile enlarged into a wide pleasing smile as I saw the lady.
"Hello how may I-" She started but when she looked up her eyes softened and her lips broke out into an ear to ear grin.
"Oh darling I've missed you!" She said opening up her arms as she came out form behind the counter. I basically umped into her arms and felt the warmed of her hands wrap around me. She smelled like lavender, just as I remembered. She looked back, still holding onto my shoulders and took a quick look at me.
"You are such a beautiful woman Sofia!" she exclaimed and let go of me. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm visiting Luke today.." I started and a frown spread across her face, I ignored it though and stayed smiling. "Can I get the usual, five white tulips and one sunflower?" I asked.
"Of course dear, I am so happy too see you again." I nodded and she went to the back.
I was there for about 10 minutes when she reappeared with my flowers, holding them together was a light purple ribbon.
"Thank you" I said as I slid a 10 dollar bill onto the counter.
"Anytime dear.' She said with a sympathetic smile. She held out the flowers to me and once I took them I nodded at her and waved goodbye as I opened the door. The cool breeze hit me and my hair flung behind my face. I started my walk towards the cemetery and when I got their I stood right in front of the gate. I didn't move, I just stared at all the graves, reminiscing the families loss.
I shook my head to clear my thoughts and opened the dainty, black gate. Once I made my way to Luke's grave I placed the flowers in front of it. Their were leaves, dust, dirt, and sticks all of it.
"I'm sorry it's been so long Luke.." I whispered. I took my hand and started brushing on his grave. My fingers shook as they traced across his name. I hadn't even realized it but a tear had fallen down my cheek and plopped onto his gravestone.
"I miss you so much Luke. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry.." my voice cracked as I fell to my knees, breaking down sobbing.
"I wish I was enough for you, I want to be, but it's too late. God, mom and dad are spiraling right now and I don't know what I'm going to do without you here to protect me. You were always there for me Luke, through thick and thin. I just wish I could have seen the signs of you calling for help." I cried out. I wasn't whispering anymore, but nobody else was in the cemetery so I felt I had a right too.
"I would do anything to have you back Luke, anything!" I sobbed. I miss him so fucking much, he was my everything. He was the closest person to me. And he was gone, just like that.
I sat there and cried to him about everything. My parents, Bianca, the guilt, the grief. I hoped he was listening to me. I wanted him to know how much I loved him.
"I will see you again one day Luke, my last breath will be a happy breath, because knowing that I will be going to you, will be more than enough to make my happy.." I breathed.
"Why did you have to leave me Luke? Why. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME!!" I cried out, yelling this time. My face fell to my hands.
"Why did you leave me Luke.." I said softly as I stood up. I wiped my tears, in hopes that it wouldn't be visible I was crying when I got home. As I was walking I heard rustling from the leaves next to me and looked over.
It was Coal, standing there with flowers in his hands.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, my voice cracking. His face looked almost sympathetic, so I knew he must have heard me. Fuck.
"Same as you." He said, tilting his head to Luke's grave.
"I doubt that." I scoffed.
"What? You think that I don't mourn his death? I think about him all the time. He was my fucking best friend Sofia!" he raised his voice which made me flinch.
"You don't get to say that." I shot back.
"YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD TO DEAL WITH HIS DEATH SOFIA." he yelled at me. I took a step back. tears started flooding my eyes again.
"I'm not doing this today Coal." I blinked and a tear ran down my cheek.
"NO SOFIA YOU DON"T GET TO DECIDE THAT. YOU PUSHED EVERYONE AWAY AFTER HIS DEATH AND FOR WHAT? BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND? BECAUSE YOU DECIDED THEY DIDN'T FEEL GUILT?" he yelled.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked.
He calmed down. "You aren't the only one who feels grief over his death Sofia." he said softly.
I looked down. I knew I wasn't, but he doesn't know the shit I've been through since Luke died, he doesn't get to act like I just pushed everyone close to him and me for no reason.
"I know.." I sighed. "I know." He looked surprised at my response.
"Look, I'm sorry for lashing out at you, but you deserved is Sofia." he said.
"And for a second I thought you were going to be a nice person." I grunted before storming out of the cemetery. I didn't deserve what he said to me. Yes I deserved to be humbled but he was so out of pocket and harsh. I hate him so much.