- When he started growing feelings toward you, he tried to distance himself from you to stop himself from falling for you.
- He didn't talk to you as much anymore and avoided your company if possible.
- It made you think he's mad at you for something, but when you asked about it, he'd just deny it and claimed he's been very busy with work.
- He also started to protect you.
- Suddenly he didn't let you come along to the most dangerous missions, claiming that your skills aren't needed.
- Inej and Jesper tried to chime in to remind him of a room you'd definitely be needed in to keep guard, but Kaz shut them up with a glare.
- The two realized on that moment why Kaz acted like that. Those stares hadn't gone unnoticed from them, but they couldn't be sure because Kaz had never showed any fond feelings like that towards anyone. They weren't even sure if he was capable of caring about someone so deeply.
- He was appearing to be cold and distant when you were interacting with him and the moment you turned away, he looked at you in a way which just flooded with deep affection.
- But he had his reasons to act like that.
- Firstly, because he knew that you'd be used as a pawn against him if anyone ever found out about his feelings, and he'd never forgive himself if that happened.
- Secondly, because he wanted to remain tough, he couldn't let his past self to resurface.
- Not even with you.
- But the longer he tried to suffocate his feelings and pretend everything is normal, the harder it became.
- And when it got to the point where he got jealous of seeing his customers flirting with you and throwing them out from the club with fake reasons, you finally noticed that he was behaving oddly.
- You ended up questioning him about it while he wrote something.
"Kaz, what's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You've been throwing out paying customers for almost every night now without a reason. The guy last night definitely didn't-"
"He distracted you, you just didn't notice."
- You just sighed, knowing you wouldn't get anything out from him today.
"Well... ok then. Good night, Kaz."
"Night, Y/N."
- He stared after you even when you had closed the door, before sighing and returning to working on his blueprints.
- Inej visited him that night.
"They love you too, Kaz."
- He froze completely.
"We know that you're trying to protect them, that's why you no longer assign them to dangerous jobs. And Jesper has seen how you look at them. And I've seen how Y/N looks at you like that too." -Inej
"You and Jesper have gotten something wrong, Inej. Y/N is a valuable investment, but nothing more." -Kaz
"You can keep telling yourself that, but you deserve happiness, just like all of us. And Y/N could bring you that happiness." -Inej
- And with that, she was gone.
- He thought about Inej's words the whole night.
- You? Love him? An absurd idea.
- But he called you to his office the next morning anyway.
- He was intending to tell you that you're work partners and nothing more, ensure that you aren't drawing any future dreams reserved for him (because he always tries to push everyone he cares about away if they get too close to his cold heart), but instead it led to an emotional discussion.
- (Or at least as emotional as Kaz can get)
- You didn't verbally say anything about it (because Kaz wasn't ready to say anything like that out loud), but you began dating after that morning.
- He leaves you little gifts every once in a while in your room. A flower, some sweets or even a piece of pretty jewelry he snatched on a heist and which he had noticed you admiring for longer than usual.
- Needless to say, if he was protective of you when he first started developing those strong feelings towards you, he's now even more protective because you're his.
- Someone hurt you? Consider them disappearing and you'll never see them again.
- You'd rather not know what Kaz did to them to make them disappear or with what he threatened them to make them leave Ketterdam in the next ship.
- If he saw someone flirting with you, he had to trust that you'd know how to shoo the person away because you had made a point that someone could pick it up why he's so protective of you.
- But he still might hunt for the tiniest of reasons to kick them out from his club, especially if they had guts to touch you when flirting.
- But because of the reason said above, there's no any kind of PDA or flirting in public between you two.
- You both know that sooner or later, a rival gang would find out about your relationship and come after you, so you're keeping it hidden for as long as you can.
- Also because Kaz would go feral if he heard that there's a kill order put on you.
- So it's kinda protecting your rival gangs too because that treatment Kaz gives to his enemies... he's feared for a very good reason.
- If you want physical touch in a relationship, you have to be incredibly patient because it's probably gonna be a long and rocky road for you two to really bond and trust to reach that point.
- You learn very early that it's better if he's the first one to initiate touch or tell you that he wants to try something, as he has bad and good days overall with touch and affection.
- Some days he can't bear a thought of touching you even accidentally, and you have to learn that it's not because of you, it's because of his trauma.
- But some days he wants to work on it, and you make tiny steps to achieve the milestones, one by one.
- First, he has to learn to acknowledge it that it's you, you're not a rotting corpse.
- So your touch isn't anything else than his gloved fingers lightly brushing against your bare ones at first or some other minimal touches.
- When he's gone far enough with working on it with you, feeling your heartbeat through your shirt or him putting two fingers on your wrist or neck to feel your pulse can also help him remember that you're alive and he's got nothing to be afraid of.
- The first bigger step was when one of your close friends in the Dregs died and you were curled up in his bed, just crying after your lost friend and Kaz sat on the bedside, holding his gloved hand on top of you and stroking your body up and down in an attempt to comfort you, his blanket also being a barrier between you and his hand and that's why he could do it as you had worked on his touch aversion for a while.
- But he felt like it isn't enough.
- He struggled with it, but he managed to make himself take off his glove and hold your hand.
- It felt disgusting, but... at the same time, it didn't feel nearly as disgusting as he thought it'd be.
- That touch was as good as him holding you and rocking you back and forth, let you soak his shirt with your tears, and you knew it too. It was the most comfort Kaz could bring you on that moment.
- Your relationship would probably never be a traditional one which you'd see with others (like Wylan and Jesper), his traumas are too great to completely be like that, but you love him nevertheless, and you knew what you were jumping into when you started that relationship.
- You love him, and he loves you, even if on bad days it doesn't seem like it. But even if he snapped something to you, you know he doesn't mean it.
- And if he snaps at you and notices that he hurt your feelings, he learns to apologize to you without anyone having to tell him that if he has made you feel bad.
- And you teach him to be more empathetic, and sometimes the Crows tease him about it.
"Aw, our tough and big bad Dirtyhands has gone soft because of Y/N."
"Shut up Jesper."