Characters: Y/N (female), Kaz Rietveld/Brekker, Jordie Rietveld, Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey
Warnings: mentions of violence and death, language (not in dialogue), angst (or hurt/comfort), Kaz is a bit soft, also I'm not sure how Kaz has been as a child and didn't find any proper info about it but for some reason I've been in belief that he was rather sweet, naive and innocent? But if it's described in the book and he wasn't like that, I apologize. As I said, I'm unable to read the books at the moment.
Summary: Y/N tries to find out what happened and reconnect with her best friend.
Word count: 2k
Rain had started on the moment you heard about Kaz's new life and hadn't stopped since. It pounded against the roof and windows, worsening your racing thoughts. It was like the sky had decided to emphasize your guilty feeling about leaving Kaz growing up all alone and made a violent shower of rain pour over Ketterdam.
You had sat down there with Inej and Jesper for a couple of hours, just sitting in silence mostly, trying to consume the fact that your friend wasn't the Kaz you had known before. That he was known as Dirtyhands and was feared around Ketterdam. Jesper tried to ask about your life occasionally, and you had told him about the family you had worked for, about your life and how you were planning to continue forward after leaving Kerch. And as you answered that, you realized that you didn't want to leave anymore. Ketterdam held a bunch of cursed, bad people and hellish places comparable to the Fold, people murdering and beating each other up just for fun and corruption was seen all over the city, especially at the Barrel which you wanted to escape, but Kaz was the reason you had tolerated it all fifteen years ago, and you wanted to re-establish your friendship with him.
But if he had really changed as much as Jesper's horror stories told you, ripping eyes out and torturing people who acted against him, was he a safe person to be friends with anymore? And judging by how he hadn't come down after going upstairs after you had tried to hug him, you feared that he was mad with you for abandoning him like that. Inej said that he's scared to face you, his childhood friend who knew who he was before becoming Kaz Brekker. Before people learned about how cruel he could be.
Eventually you had to stand up and make your way to his office door. You had to talk to him, you had to know what he was thinking. You had to let him know you were sorry for abandoning him.
You knocked and after hearing a faint grunt, you opened the door. You knew he knew it was you.
He didn't say anything and tried to busy himself with writing something down. But you knew he did it just so he wouldn't have to face you. Something had happened, something which caused him not being able to communicate with you normally.
"What do you want, Y/N?" he finally asked as you had stood at the doorway for a moment, and you swallowed.
"What happened?" you asked, going straight to the point as you took a careful step forward. He didn't look up from his papers but didn't tell you to stop either, so you continued walking toward his desk in tiny, slow steps.
"What do you mean?" he asked as he pushed a blueprint aside before starting to write on another paper.
You sighed. "You weren't like this when we were children."
He paused with writing, but quickly returned to it. "I've always been like this."
You shook your head, finally taking another step which allowed you to stand right in front of his desk. "No, you haven't. The Kaz I know-"
"That Kaz is gone. Kaz Rietveld is dead." he interrupted you abruptly, his voice came out as sharp and you could hear he didn't want to hear the end of your sentence.
Silence. You stared at him in confusion and your lips parted slightly. "What?"
"He died when Jordie Rietveld did. They lie together at the bottom of the sea. He's not here anymore." He still didn't look up, writing something to a piece of paper, and you were fairly sure he was just writing nonsense to keep himself composed by this point. He spoke as if he was stating the obvious, like he was speaking about someone else. And after learning what he had done, what kind of person he had become, you could guess he tried to get away from the person he had been before.
From that sweet, naive boy who had had a silly childhood romance with an equally naive street girl from the Barrel. Jordie's teasing grin flashed through your mind as you saw a nine-year old Kaz shyly handing you a flower he had found from the ground, fallen from a bouquet they sold at the market and you giving him a kiss on his cheek as a thank you. He had been redder than ever, grinning like an idiot. Then you were returned to the present moment and saw this man who had just told you that your best friend was dead.
The Barrel had beaten him up a lot, that much was clear. It was expected too, but you still wouldn't have wanted to believe that. He was a completely different person than he had been before and it radiated from him like a field of energy. If you would have stepped into that room without seeing him, you wouldn't have recognized him. Only his eyes gave it away, even when their warmth and innocence was long gone.
He has had to go through so much, and I wasn't there with him. You couldn't stop thinking about it. Jordie had died and then his best friend abandoned him right when a chance was offered for better life outside Ketterdam. No wonder a thing like that made him bitter.
You swallowed again, trying to hold back your tears. You just couldn't stop blaming yourself, even when Inej and Jesper had told you to stop it. All your promises to yourself had come crashing down the moment you saw Kaz, when you saw him running away from you when you had hugged him. When you saw that touch scared him and made him to go to the state of pure panic. He had gone through so much and you had disappeared from his life when he would have needed you the most. If he had you, then maybe he would have gotten better, maybe he wouldn't be called Dirtyhands. Maybe he would be happy, you would have gotten away from this shitstain city, or even gone to work together at that farm. Kaz would have felt their love too and gotten over Jordie better. Kaz Rietveld would still be here. Instead, you had left him to survive alone, to the teeth of the Barrel, forced him to grow up to be a person like this, hide Kaz Rietveld in order to become Kaz Brekker. Dirtyhands. A mastermind who was feared. Everything Kaz Rietveld wasn't.
You turned your gaze to your feet, trying to fight back your tears was becoming unbearable now and your sight started to be blurry. He was there right in front of you, but at the same time it wasn't him. It was a man who was after vengeance and greed. Profit. Kruge. Killing Pekka Rollins. You would have lied if you had claimed that you didn't want Pekka Rollins dead too, but he was actually planning to do it and had dedication to do it. He was a killer. Referred to as a monster. And he seemed to be proud of that title.
"I'm sorry for abandoning you. If I had even tried to find you..." you muttered after a moment of silence, your voice breaking as you felt tears finally making their way to your eyes, and he finally looked up at you. His lips twitched slightly, but he didn't answer. You hugged yourself and slowly sat down on the chair across from his desk as tears started flowing down your cheeks. "I- I didn't mean to. If I had known that you're alive, I would have looked for you. I would have looked for you for as long as I would have needed, I wouldn't have stopped before I would have found you, before I'd see you breathing and alive and feel you in my arms, held you there to be sure you were real. I would have done that, even if it took me a week without sleep. I know you don't believe me, but I would have done that. I loved you too much to let you go that easily. You were all I had."
He was still silent for a while, averting his gaze to the papers in front of him, and closed his eyes. And when he spoke, his voice felt like he gave in to his past person to take over, his voice was soft and quiet. Not laced with aggression, but with care. "I know. You were all I had too after Jordie died. I tried to find you too, but I knew you thought I was dead and I knew you had left Ketterdam. I knew you knew that the streets weren't safe for a lone child. I just hoped you had made it out alive."
For the first time, he referred to Kaz Rietveld as himself, but on the next moment he seemed to get back to his tracks as Kaz Brekker, clearing his throat and glancing at you once more.
"Did you have anything else? I have work to do." he stated and you let a small smile to occupy your lips, grateful that he showed a tiny slice of his past self to you, but you knew that he wasn't ready for more. If he would ever be ready.
"I didn't have anything else. It was good to see you, Kaz. My ship leaves in a few days, I'll drop by before boarding it to say goodbyes." you turned around to leave his office but as your hand was on the doorknob, you heard his cane clicking behind you.
"Y/N, I-" he started but stopped himself as soon as you turned to look at him. You stared at each other for a bit, before he cleared his throat again. Stay with me, don't leave me, he wanted to say. "I have a spare room at our base, the Slat. If you want to spend those few nights there before you leave Ketterdam... it's dangerous out there. But you would be safe at the Slat," he muttered the last sentence and you blinked at him before your lips broke into a wide smile.
"Yes, I'd love to stay if it's okay by you." you answered and restrained yourself from hopping in place. He still cared.
Maybe you'd get to re-establish your friendship after all. He had hidden Kaz Rietveld away, but you got it to peek behind Kaz Brekker, a persona he had created to hide that innocent, sweet boy who was in love with an innocent, sweet girl named Y/N. He was different and your friendship would be different, you wouldn't fall to sleep against each other as Jordie threw a blanket over you, you wouldn't hug and he wouldn't lay on your lap watching you as you sketched crows as he fed them and occasionally browsing through your finished sketches, always admiring how skillful you were at nine years old. Your friendship wouldn't have touching or cuddling anymore, but the feeling would be there. Your deep bond you had created all those years ago still held in place even when it wobbled along the way as Kaz had tried to forget you and his childish feelings towards you to make himself feel even less, but he just needed a reminder how important you were to him once upon a time.
And that made him realize something he would never say out loud. You still held his heart just as he had held yours for all these years, and he didn't want to let you go ever again.