The problem with wanting to get better is having to meet certain conditions.
But what if those conditions are what weighs me down?
Sam offered to give me part of the money a few days ago when I randomly barged into his home in the middle of the night. I was desperate and I had no where else to go after Jimin shot me down the minute that he saw right through me. The only reason why Sam offered to give me the money is because I told him I'd get my shit together by taking my meds again.
It has been a while since I had taken my Lithium regularly and by that, I mean more than just a few weeks. I am still in control and I guess that's a relief from my side. In the beginning, I started limiting my dosage by taking my prescribed medication twice instead of three times a day. I started feeling more energized after reducing one dose and it benefitted me in terms of work and productivity. I started getting more things done and I wasn't as tired by the end of the day, but still this constant feeling of fatigue lingered around the edges and it wasn't enough for me.
I knew that reducing my doses was a risk, considering that I could easily go off the rails at any time, but I needed my energy and staying put wasn't a choice. Especially when I was with Jimin at the time. He would definitely notice something off.
However, nothing happened and frankly there was a time when I was in control of my manic episodes even without the effects of the Lithium and seeing that reducing the dose hadn't affected me negatively, I was confident that if I reduced it some more, I would still remain in control of my being. And as the times went by, nothing happened, I was just fine.
There were times when intrusive thoughts would get the best out of me and I would feel incredibly stressed during exam period that everything around me made me fidgety. I would take my anger out on my current boyfriend and my colleagues at work. I even got fired because I got in heated arguments with customers at an old coffee place, but other than that, I only needed a few moments to myself in order to calm down and with a scratch or two, a few punches to the wall and some hair pulling it all went away. I was suddenly myself again.
At some point things got worse when my mother made a credit card under my name; without my consent and she spent shit ton of money behind my back that I was sinking in debt. I couldn't even sue her for identity theft because I was knee deep in shit from everything, she put me through. I had to find a way to make money and fast, so I finished taking my yoga certificate (with Jimin pushing me) and I simultaneously balanced taking a barista certificate in order to land two jobs.
Jimin on the other hand, had no idea of the things I was going through and I couldn't bring myself to tell him either because I knew that he would neglect himself in order to take care of me, by sharing part of his savings with me and working himself to the point of exhaustion. This was my problem, I had to face it alone.
And that's when I cut down the dosage to three tablets a day, two in the morning after a strong coffee and one more after a few hours. I was still tired from the effects of the medication, but not as fatigued as I used to be when I was taking my prescribed dosage. I needed all the energy I could get in order to get through the day, but as soon as I managed to repay the debt my mother kindly left for me, I cancelled the card then slowly started getting back on my feet. I even started taking my meds regularly and I took it easy at work since I didn't have an enormous debt chasing after me. I could finally rest and spend time with my boyfriend.
But then a bigger problem arose.
Lithium helps reduce manic episodes while simultaneously helps treat and prevent bipolar depression, making it the customary medication for the treatment of bipolar disorder. Now I don't know the specifics about how exactly the medication helps stabilize my mood, but what I do know for certain is that lithium emphasizes on a person's nervous system; the brain and the spinal cord. Meaning that whatever chemical reactions are happening in my brain as a courtesy of the Lithium, it affects my behavior and thinking process while balancing out the opposite sides of my mind that are in constant battle.
When I first started taking Lithium, it took a few weeks for me to feel the effects of the drug. Some of the side effects were troublesome while others were tolerable and the dosage you take obviously varies per person but it is essential that the lithium levels are constant in your body, otherwise the treatment will fail.
And this is where things went wrong for me.
As soon as I stopped taking the medication, my body and my mind had grown accustomed to it, to the point that it was hard for me to return to my original prescription.
I hate the person I become when I'm out of control.
I made some bad decisions when I was in the manic headspace.
I cheated on my boyfriend.
I know, I'm pathetic.
When I was taking Lithium, I was in a constant state of tiredness and it felt like I was submerged. The world around me was flooding and I was trying to navigate through it mostly through instinct. I found myself feeling sick most of the time as I threw up often and I was physically weak. The doctor immediately reduced my dosage from four times to three times a day, but that wasn't enough to get rid of the fatigue. I guess that it was fine since I wouldn't feel constantly overwhelmed.
Feeling like my head is underwater is better than feeling too many things at once. It's a renewed kind of calm, one that maintains the same usual state of exhaustion where my brain is too tired to process information and my muscles are somewhat worn out.
This kind of calm keeps me still.
It keeps me stable.
I'm too tired to feel anything anyway, so all I can do is let the water in and succumb to the medicine's effect. Let myself submerge under the waves.
This is the only path to recovery, isn't it?
If this is the only way, then I can prolong it for a little while longer.
Until I get all the money that I need to gain my freedom.
That way once my uncle is off my back, I can finally work at a steady pace to pay back the people I borrowed money from. I'm close to paying Alanah's debt, so Sam's next.
* * *
This entire week has been utterly exhausting, but at least I've been incredibly productive. Instead of slugging on my bed and moping around, crying about how doomed I would be if I failed to retrieve my uncle's money, I concluded that it would be best if I came up with ways to make money fast and efficiently. So, I decided to use the internet to my greatest advantage, by selling some of my clothes and dresses at a safe website. There are plenty of young girls who are in need of cute fancy outfits, so why not help each other out?
As for my two jobs, I managed to save some money here and there, by cutting down on groceries mostly. I'm so close to gathering three grand, but I only have four more days to get the rest of the money.
Much to my luck, my uncle hasn't contacted me ever since that rainy night and to be honest, I was relieved. I was in no position to deal with his petty threats and warnings and I needed to focus on my primary goal here.
I came up with the brilliant idea of selling my furniture because if I sold any more of my clothes, I would end up wearing my dirty laundry for the rest of the week. So again, I used my Instagram page to my advantage when I posted a good picture of my sofa, recliner and kitchen table. When nobody responded within the first twenty-four hours of the Instagram story, I had lost all hope when I received a message two days later from a guy from my university who said that his best friend was going to move in with her girlfriend and she was in need of a recliner and a kitchen table. Much to my surprise, this couple actually attends the same university as me and they live in the neighborhood, which means that I wouldn't have to worry about the shipment much. I was over the moon when I received that message because if that couple hadn't texted me, there's no way I would make it to five grand any time soon.
It was hurtful to see my recliner and kitchen table getting shipped away because I've had some of my most gleeful memories at those two places. And all of the memories of course were shared with Jimin. Since they were used furniture, I couldn't sell them in a very high price so I settled with a good 1200 bucks (after a lot of bargaining from both ends) for both the table, four chairs and the recliner. And that means I only have to get 800 more.
Eight hundred dollars is all it takes to get rid of my uncle.
I only have one more day to find someone who wants to purchase my sofa.
The sofa for my freedom.
do you like seeing things from Evelyn's POV?