18 Weeks Along
-Harry's POV-
"Amazing news, Haz. Really couldn't be happier for you..."
"But..." I raise an eyebrow at Lou, more then familiar with the tone of her voice.
"No buts." She shakes her head as she pushes Niall's hair up, loading it down with spray. "Just..."
"Out with it Lou, just what?" I lean against the wall, crossing my arms.
"It's just you seem really happy, like ecstatic."
"How dare you Harry." Niall chuckles as Lou swats him across the head.
"Shush you. This is grownup talk." Lou scolds him.
Niall pouts, turning his attention to his phone as Lou fingers tug on bits of his hair.
"Soooo there a problem with being happy?" I question, still confused. "Having a baby Lou. With Ava. Things are going pretty well I think."
"So you guys have talked?" She glances at me. "She's forgiven you?"
"Haven't really had the time. She just got here last night, had the appointment at the doctors earlier today then came straight here. What's this about Lou?"
She sighs, sending Niall away once she's deemed him fit to go onstage. She points to the chair and I plop down.
"You've every right to be excited and happy, I'm just a bit worried you think everything's good now."
"Everything is good. She's here, we'll work it out. We always do."
"Haz... I think you're brushing the seriousness of this under the rug. That was a huge cock up on your part."
"Don't think I know that?" I bite my bottom lip, chewing on it in anxiousness.
"I do, but just cause she's here doesn't mean you're going to fall right back into how it was."
My eyes find Lou's in the mirror, her worried expression doing nothing to ease my mind.
"We'll be fine. She's here Lou. We're good... We'll be great soon."
"Have you asked her how long she's staying?"
"No. She'll be here for a bit. Am sure of it."
"Haz...."
"Jesus Lou, can't a lad just be happy? I've got my girl back."
"She's leaving tomorrow."
"What?" My head pops up, eyes locking with Lou's.
"Ava's flying back to L.A. tomorrow. She told me while you lot were at sound check."
"She would of told me." I shake my head.
"She said she'd just decided to."
"But..." I gulp, suddenly feeling sick, "I thought we were good. I mean... she hasn't outright said she's forgiven me, but she's here. She's staying in my room with me... She kissed me just hours ago. We're good... What else is that supposed to mean?"
"Harry..."
"Don't... Am done hearing it." I shake my head once again as I get up from the chair. "Ruined my day Lou... can't... We're having a baby girl, we're good. She loves me. Can't listen to this rubbish."
Lou sighs, "I didn't bring it up to hurt you. You just don't seem to get how big of a deal this is. You seem to think she's just over it. Just talk to her alright?"
I nod, throwing a shirt over my shoulders before stepping out of the room.
I know Lou didn't mean any harm. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Or course I'm taking this seriously, I know full well I've never fucked up so badly. But she came here, flew to Toronto. For me.
That means something. Her staying with me means something.
That kiss we shared... It means something.
We're good. I know we are.
My first instinct is to find her. I need to hear we're alright. That we'll make it through this.
But I don't go looking for her.
Cause I'm to bloody afraid we aren't.
I lock myself away alone until Paul's banging on the door, yelling at me to get my arse onstage.
I'm a mess through-out the whole show. Forgetting words, having to force a smile on my face.
I look for her. Hoping... Praying I'll see her watching the show. Smiling and singing along like she used to.
If she is... I'll know.
But she doesn't. The last song of the night ends without catching a glimpse of her once.
My chest feels constricted as we jog off stage, the screams louder then they had been all night.
I stop in the hallway, placing my hands on my knees as I lean over. Trying to catch my breath.
"You good?" Zayn pats me on the back as I nod.
"Yeah mate.. Just needed a breather."
When I look up, my eyes land on Ava stood at the end of the hallway.
She didn't watch, but she's still here.
Fuck. She can't leave tomorrow. We have to be good. We are good.
I make my way towards her, taking a few deep breaths. I won't let myself repeat my past mistakes. Not again.
I won't panic. I won't demand she stay. I won't.
"Hey... You alright?" I look her over as she smiles at me.
"Yeah. Just tired."
"Bit knackered myself." I rub the back of my neck. "Got a few fans to meet then we can head back to the hotel... Unless you'd rather go now. Can get someone to drive you if you'd like."
"No, I'll wait for you."
"Great." I grin, loving the fact she's waiting for me. Desperate enough to take that as a sign things aren't as bad as Lou makes them out to be.
Ava sits in the far corner of the room, returning emails as the lads and I pose for pictures. We chat a bit with each of the fans, all of us wishing we had more time to get to know them.
We owe them so much, but most we'll never even get to meet. Never get a chance to say a simple thank you.
I catch Av watching me, a small smile on her face as I lean down and give a small girl a hug. She's just a big bigger then Lux and so nervous she can barely say hello. Only a few giggles escape her lips as she shakes or nods her head in answer to my questions.
Her frame is tiny. Her long brown hair slightly curly, her eyes big and brown. A faint dimple appears on her right cheek as she smiles up at me.
I know my thoughts are the same as Ava's as I crouch down, giving the little girl as much attention as time allows.
This could be our little girl.
I can't wait for it to be our little girl.
Soon enough we're sitting in the back of a van on our way back to the hotel. I can't stop myself from reaching for Ava's hand as she sits next to me, slowly entwining our fingers.
She stares out the window, watching the city go by. Not pulling away but never giving my hand the normal soft squeeze she always does.
The walk to our room is torture, the lift unbearably silent. Neither of us saying the things we want to.
I know why she's hesitating to tell me she's leaving. My typical reaction wouldn't be a good one. I'm always irrational when it comes to her.
But not this time. I'm going to be better for her. I'll prove it.
I hold the door to our room open for her, biting my tongue. Fuck this isn't going to be easy.
"I can run you a bath.. if you want. Or... I can order some warm milk. Or some hot tea?" I ask as we walk into the room.
"Thanks but no. I think I'll just get in bed."
I nod, "I'll just get a quick shower then. Av I...."
"Hmmm?" She glances up at me as she pulls a few things out of her bag.
I shake my head, "Nothing... I just.. I love you."
She nods, a soft smile on her face as she looks over at me.
I don't wait for her to say it back. I don't need to. I know she loves me. She wouldn't be here. She wouldn't of forgiven me so many times.
I know she loves me.
I just don't know if love is enough anymore.
The hot water relaxes my muscles, filling the room with steam. Surrounding me in a fog as I rest my forehead against the cold tile.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I've overused I'm sorry, the words meaning practically nothing anymore.
I don't know how to fix this.
Why the fuck did I do it? I was somehow able to justify it back then. Convince myself it was the only way. I just wanted to be married. I was certain I could make it work out, that things would be better this way. I was desperate.
Now, looking back... I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. It was so selfish, making that decision mine instead of ours.
Will I ever stop fucking up?
I move my head under the stream of water, pushing my wet hair back off my face. Feeling numb as everything around me blurs.
I could lose so much over this.
My family. I could lose my family over this.
I taste the saltiness before I even realize there's tears sliding down my face.
I don't even know who I am anymore without her. I'm not happy, just alone and angry and empty.
I'm such a massive fuck up.
My fist slams into the wall ahead of me, leaving a smudge of blood on the wall as the skin on my knuckles splits.
I stare at it, not even feeling the pain. Wishing I could. I fucking deserve it.
"Harry? Are you okay?"
The soft voice on the other side of the shower door startles me as I turn the water to a hotter setting.
"I'll be out in a minute." I try to control my voice, hoping she doesn't notice when it cracks.
"Harry..." Her voice sounds so worried it only makes me more upset. She's concerned about me.
After what I've done, she's concerned about me.
"I'm good. Just... I'll be out in a minute." My voice breaks and I almost think I'm caught till I hear the bathroom door close.
Leaving me alone... Just like I should be.
I close my eyes, dropping my head back with a sigh.
We're good. No matter if she leaves tomorrow or not, she came here. Flew all the way here to see me. So we could share that moment together. She said she missed me. She said she loves me.
We're good.
I've got to stop convincing myself we aren't. If I don't I'll do something wretched again, I know it. I'll panic and muck everything up again.
"We're good. We're good. We're good." I say quietly to myself over and over.
My words do nothing to calm me. I'm trying to convince myself of something I'll never be able to.
There's only one person who could, and she's on a flight back to L.A. tomorrow.
Fuck I love her. I need her.
But I don't have her. Not anymore.
I rub my eyes, willing myself not to cry again as I hear the shower door slowly pushed open.
As I hear the sound of feet hitting the tile behind me.
As I feel two small arms wrap around my waist.
I suck in a breath, wondering if I have everything wrong.
Maybe love is enough. Maybe she is still mine.
Maybe we really are good.
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