DISCLAIMER: This is inspired by ate Rocelyn Ordoñez series (Closure).
IT'S almost 8 am when I arrived at their company. I brushed my hair using my fingers before calling the staff who sent me an e-mail last week.
I'm not that kind of person who's into public speaking especially when it's about my personal life. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tumulak sa 'kin ngayon para tanggapin ang invitation ng segment na 'yon. They warned me that we will be talking about my personal life and I simply agreed kahit alam kong this will be aired live on TV and different social media platforms.
A girl in pink dress with a short hair escorted me inside the studio. I'm wearing a navy blue long sleeve with two buttons opened and black maong jeans. Kakapagupit ko lang and my hair style is a modern version of skater haircut that features a long fringe in the front, and short sides.
It's my haircut that became her favorite before.
"S-Sir, ang gwapo niyo po," I blankly stared at the lady who escorted me. Pansin ko ngang kanina pa siya nakatitig sa 'kin. Hindi ko naman masaway dahil ayokong magsalita at magmukhang masungit.
"Thanks?" I'm not really sure why did it sounded like a question but I'm not used to being complimented personally. Yes, a lot of people were admiring me from a far because it's embarrassing for them to come up to me and tell me how good looking I am. But this girl have her guts.
I thanked God 'cause she didn't talked to me again. Akala ko ay dadaldalin niya pa 'ko. Mas mabuti pang mapanis ang laway ko dahil tahimik ako kaysa makipag-usap kung kani-kanino.
Another lady approached me but she looked more decent than earlier. She seemed matured and I think she's the one who invited me here.
"Mr. Hidalgo?" She called me for confirmation.
"I am," I responded as validation.
"This way, Sir,"
We entered inside a gray door but before I fully entered, I noticed the other door on the right side. I think it's the same ng papasukan namin. And I'm not stupid not to think that there's someone who's being interviewed inside. And I have this gut feeling that I know that 'someone'.
Isang puting silid ang bumungad sa 'kin na may upuan at mesa. There's also lighting, a television, and cameras in front. Hindi naman masikip ang loob, actually this is spacious. Kakasya ang halos bente katao dito sa loob.
Matipid kong nginitian ang dalawang tao na nasa loob. It's just the lady who was with me and a camera man. The rest were outside. Mabuti na lamang at tatlo lang kami dito.
"So we won't waste your time Mr. Hidalgo, shall we start?"
Nagkibit-balikat ako at tumango. Umupo ako sa upuan at hindi inalis ang tingin ko sa camera na nasa harapan ko. Nagsenyasan ang babae na napag-alaman kong Razel ang pangalan dahil may name tag ito—at ang camera man. Maya-maya pa ay binuksan na nila ang mga lighting at tumunog ang camera. Nag 'okay' sign ang camera man kay Razel senyales na naka-air na ang segment.
"Thank you Rizy! And after hearing her side, we're gonna hear his side, siyempre, hindi naman mawawala ang panig ng isa nating bisita sa araw na ito,"
And I'm right, there is someone behind that door.
"Good morning everyone and to our visitor, can you please introduce yourself to our dear viewers?"
I faked a cough and faked a smile then simply waved at the camera.
"Good day, I'm Alistair Kaze Hidalgo, 27, Engineer, and just call me Ali,"
"Ay shocks, ang pogi ng name ng ating visitor! Pogi pa ang hitsura, sayang lang kasi parte siya ng segment natin guys! Bawi na lang next life," she joked. Akala ko ay matured siya, or she's acting like that because she's in a show?
"So Ali, alam naman naming alam mo na personal ang topic natin for today, right?" I nodded.
"Good! Ali, do you have any idea kung ano ang title ng segment na ito?" Tanging iling lang ang isinagot ko. Basta ang alam ko lang ay personal ang mga itatanong nila, pero wala naman silang sinabi kung gaano kapersonal.
"So everyone, nandito uli tayo para mag-ayos ng unsolved conflict mula sa past, at kakapanood niyo nga lang ng side ni ate girl kani-kanina lamang. Maya-maya ay magkikita silang dalawa upang pag-usapan ang mga bagay na dapat ay maayos nilang dalawa sa ating show. And by the end of this show, magkakapurpose ang pangalan ng segment natin. Kung sila ba ay magkakaroon ng Closure o Comeback?"
I felt like my entire coldness disappeared. I don't know and I'm not sure if it's her, but I only have two exes. She's my latest ex, and my longest relationship.
"I think Ali has a clue kung sino ang makakameet-up niya mamaya ah? Do you have any clue, Ali?"
"Y-yes.." utal kong sagot. She smiled and that smile is my cue, it's her. When did she came back?
"Why you seem so nervous? Mahal mo pa ba?" Nanlaki ang mata ko sa tanong niya. Iyon kaagad ang tanong niya?
"Nabigla yata si Ali guys, sorry," saad niya sabay tawa, "Let's move on to the next question pero babalikan natin 'yan mamaya,"
"So first, can you describe her?"
Kusang kumurba ang ngiti sa 'king labi habang inaalala kung paano ko siya inilarawan noon habang ipinapakilala ko siya sa pamilya ko nang pasikreto. Well yes, I'm not talkative but when it comes to my family, I'm really especially when it comes to the girl I loved.
Loved.
Tumikhim ako saka inalala 'yong panahong mahal na mahal ko siya, 'yong mga panahong hangang-hanga pa ako sa kaniya.
"She is a brave girl. She never relied on me when it comes to financial problems because she wanted to solve it by herself, and doesn't want to get me involve in her problems. She's selfless, right? She never gave up on me even if I'm not that clingy and showy. She always gives her best and she supports me on my dreams. Ayaw niya ng inuuna ko siya, gusto niya ay siya ang pinaka-huling priority ko at pamilya, sarili, pangarap dapat ang unahin ko kaysa kaniya. She's a wife material, actually. She's the best cook for me. She was also the batch valedictorian back then so yeah, she's smart. I could say that she's perfect," I paused and my smile was instantly erased when I said the last sentence.
"But we know that there's no perfect human living in this world. Every person has a flaw, and everyone make mistakes. She was an angel and perfect in my eyes, but when she did that horrible and fucking thing? Everytime I stare at her, all I could feel is pure disgust and anger towards her,"
Natigilan ang dalawang taong nasa harapan ko. I should be honest, right? I badly wanted to confront her, but she escaped me. Tinakasan niya ako, tinakasan niya ang problema right after I told her that I wanna break up with her.
Tell me that I'm stupid because I'm saying na tinakasan niya 'ko kahit nakipag-hiwalay na 'ko, bug I deserved an explanation for what she did.
"Are you still mad at her?"
"Yes." I didn't hesitated to answer. Why would I? It's the truth anyway.
"Do you want to fix things with her?"
"Yes, of course. Gusto kong maging magkaibigan pa rin kami despite of what happened,"
Mariin niya 'kong tiningnan na para bang may iba pang ibig sabihin ang tanong na 'yon.
"Okay, let me rephrase it; do you still want to get back together?"
Parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko at hindi ko magawang sumagot.
"Looks like the questions isn't ready to be answered, ah? Hindi pa yata nakaka-move on si Ali eh," pabirong saad ni Razel dahil natahimik ako. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko.
Wait, no.
Alam ko ang isasagot ko pero hindi 'yon matanggap ng utak ko. She cannot be accepted in my life anymore. She can't ruin my life again.
Pero hindi ko alam kung ganito pa rin ang iisipin ko sa oras na magkita kami.
"What is your best and worst memory with her?"
"Everything good that happened to us were the best for me. Basta kasama ko siya, masaya na 'ko, and being with her was the best thing that ever happened to me..." I paused for several seconds then closed my fist to stop myself from being mad, "And the worst thing, was also giving everything for her but what I got back in return? She made me look like a fool. She made me broken into pieces. She made me suffer. I'm not stupid to let her do that again."
My jaw clenched while reminiscing that situation years ago. Hanggang ngayon, 'yong epekto n'on sa akin ay walang iba kun'di galit. She was my first love, yet she fooled me. Pinaikot niya ako, and the funny thing is, hindi lang ako.
"Did you regret na naging kayo?"
I did not hesitated to nod my head as an answer.
"Yes, I did regret that I loved her, but I will never regret the memories that we had together."
"Aw, that's kinda painful if I were her, iiyak talaga ako ngayon, hmm, can we go back to the first question?"
I eyed her and those five words came out from her mouth. I don't understand, pero iba ang sinabi ko sa sinisigaw ng utak ko.
"Do you still love her?"
"Yes."
"Owshi mic drop! Charot, hoy ano ba, kinikilig ako na nasasaktan sa mga sagot ni Ali, grabe ang hirap pala maging host kapag emotional ka ha,"
"Eto ha, serious question," she faked a cough then gave me smiled half heartedly.
"What did you learn from your relationship with her?"
"Never trust someone that easily, and not everyone who loves you from the start will love you 'til the end. Lahat sila aalis din sa huli,"
Sandaling katahimikan ang namayani sa loob ng silid. I just smirked in front of the camera to tell that I don't feel apologetic on what I have just said.
"That's a good lesson nga naman, anyways, in a few minutes, magkikita na ang dalawang ito kaya 'wag kayong aalis! We will just take a short break para naman makahinga nang maluwag ang ating mga bisita, we'll be right back here on; Closure o Comeback?"
The camera went off and inabutan ako ng isang staff ng tubig, tissue, at tinapay. I thanked the guy and just drank the water straightly.
"Can I watch the replay of her interview?"
"Sure,"
Binuksan niya ang TV at umupo akong muli sa kinauupuan ko kanina. Ngayon ko na lang uli siya nakita sa video. I never looked on her pictures on social media o kahit saan pa because of what I feel.
Now I think about if when we meet later, will we have a closure, or a comeback?