In Memoriam - An Unus Annus Fanfiction

01.12. - 12/01 - One Man 100 Accents

»Did you think of Tomb Raider?« Annus asked, only half joking.
   »I thought of a a way to a safe place. But if we stumble across an Artifact, I'll take it.«

Annus looked down into the tunnel. It took a turn to the right maybe three hundred feet down. »This is safe, right?« He asked, pointing down the tunnel.

Unus shrugged. »It should be. Only one way to find out.« He took a step forward, and Annus followed. A cool gust of air blew into his face and made the flames of the torches twitch. Their shadows danced along the beige walls, and Annus had to think of pyramids.
After the turn, the tunnel began to slope downward. It ended in a big, circular room. There was a big grating in the middle of it, and the walls were painted with intricate depictions of Pharaohs and God's with animal heads.

There was a huge door at the other end of the room, framed by two large golden statues. Each of them rested their hands on the hilt of a dangerous looking sword. They were clad in a golden loincloth, and two large rubies had been placed in their falcon heads.

Unus and Annus carefully approached them. They were enormous, dwarfing both of them by at least a foot.
As Annus reached out to touch the ornament decorated door, the statues came to live.

Their beaks opened with the scraping of metal against metal, and they began to speak in sync.
»Those who wish to pass must first answer our riddle.«

Unus rolled his eyes. »I swear to whatever God this place is dedicated to, if it is the riddle of the Sphinx I'll lose my mind.«

»Which creature has one voice and yet becomes four-footed and two-footed and three-footed?«

»God-fucking-damnit.« Unus shook his head in disbelief. »It's a human. The answer is a human, ok? Baby, Adult, old guy who walks on a cane. That's the answer, and whoever created you should feel ashamed.«

Unbothered by the insult, the statues closed their beaks and something clicked. The door slip open, revealing yet another tunnel. The air on this one was damper, and the grey stone walls were covered in moss.

»You don't like the riddle, huh?« Annus asked while they walked down the path.
   »It's overused,« Unus grumbled. »It's as secure as making your password 12345.« He counted the numbers on his hand to make his point clear.

Soon, the tunnel ended in another room, similar to the first one. Annus looked around in confusion. »Didn't we go through this just now?«
  »I'm having a serious case of Deja vu,« Unus agreed.

The only difference he saw was that the murals on the wall now depicted different gods, and a different mythology.

They walked up to the statues, who once again spoke in unison. This time however, their voices were overshadowed by a strong accent.

»Thos who wish te pass must first answer oor riddle. Which creature haes ane voice an yit becomes four-footed an two-footed an three-footed?«

Unus looked as if he was close to simply punching the door open. »A human,« Annus responded as calmly as possible.

The eye gems of the stone statues flickered red. The door didn't move.

»What did I do wrong?« Annus asked with a surprised crack in his voice.
   »I have an idea.« Unus rolled his eyes and spoke up.
   »Th' answer's human, ye bloody bastards,« he responded trying to imitate their accents.

For some reason, it worked. The door slid open and revealed yet another tunnel. They looked at each other and shrugged, once again walking into the dark.

Against every hope Unus had, the tunnel ended in yet another room.

»Wheech creature hahs one voice ahnd yet becahmes four-footed ahnd two-footed ahnd three-footed?«

»ze onsair ees humahn ahnd I will no say eet ahgain.«

As much as he wanted to stay true to that, the tunnel had other plans for them. After the tenth time of answering the same simple riddle, Unus was positive that he would at some point kill whoever designed this place.

Finally, they came to a door which looked different from the others. This one wasn't all fancy and ornate, but rather simple. Unus pushed the door open, bracing for yet another accent-loaded nightmare.

Instead, the door revealed a simple room, filled with bookshelves and tables. They were cluttered with beakers, glass vials and all kinds of trinkets. Paper after paper had been written on, corrected and carelessly stashed away in between the books. Many others just seemed to have been dropped at the spot.

A man with green hair was standing in midst of the chaos, peering through what seemed to be a vintage telescope. He seemed surprised upon seeing Unus and Annus, but then, a big smile formed on his face.

»Hello Folks,« he introduced himself. »I'm Marvin! But you can call me Marvin the Magnificent.«