365 Days {COMPLETED}

jealous.

Onika Tanya Maraj
July 1st
Houston Texas

I told myself I would never stay with a cheater, I would never sit up and feel bad for myself because I was letting somebody cheat on me, I wouldn't be that girl. But here I am, sulking and feeling bad for myself because I am allowing Beyoncé to cheat on me.

And it's not like I don't do things, because I do. I make sure she's satisfied sexually, fed, and that she has nothing to complain about. Yet and still, I am here getting cheated on. It made me feel worthless. Why do I not seem to be enough for her?

I was trying to do something new, spontaneous, even now. I'm standing here in this kitchen, butt naked with a prepared meal in front of me, that I made. She was over 3 hours late, and I was 3 glasses of wine in.

Frustration took over me, and I threw it at the wall, it shattered into a million pieces, and all the wine that was inside rolled everywhere on the floor. I didn't want to cry, but this shit was heartbreaking.

I wish that she felt like this, I wish I could do her the way she do me, but I just can't. I don't have that in me, I care about her but obviously she don't give a damn about me.

I heard the front door open, and I got up rushing to it while putting my robe on. She held her arms out for me but I didn't go. I could smell the cheap perfume from here.

"Where've you been?" I asked.

"I've been at work."

It sounded so smooth coming out of her mouth I almost believed her. But I knew she wasn't at work, I called her job 2 hours ago.

"How were you at work, and I just called your job Beyoncé."

Her eyes widened like she'd just seen a ghost. She wasn't being honest. If I didn't know it before, I damn sure knew it now.

"Why do you keep doing this shit to me?!" I yelled, and I started throwing punches at her. I didn't care if they connected, I just wanted her to hurt the way I was hurting.

Eventually, she had my hands behind my back, and she was staring down at me as tears rolled down my face. I didn't want her to look at me, I wanted to spit right in her face. She ain't shit, and she knows it.

"Baby please calm down." Her voice was low and sultry. I looked away from her, stopping myself from gathering all the spit in my mouth, and hawking it at her.

"Fuck you, I hate you so much." I broke down. I didn't hate her, and that was the problem. I loved her no matter what, and I hated myself for it.

"I'm not cheating on you Onika, please baby relax."

"Yes you are! You think I'm some dumb bitch Beyoncé? Save that shit for the hoes you're cheating on me with. I fucking hate you." I dug my nails into her skin, but she didn't let me go.

"I love you baby. You don't love me?"

"I do." I mumbled, I didn't want her to hear that but she already knew.

She snuggled her face in the crook of my neck. "I need you. I can't do this without you."

"So stop hurting me Beyoncé." I let more of the tears fall. She let my hands go, and I wrapped them around her neck, holding the back of her head. "Please stop hurting me."