Overwhelmed

beating heart

The flight is only about two and a half hours, but it seems to last forever. My parents are waiting at the airport for me and we all drive to the hospital together. They told me that they finally got ahold of Tom's parents. Apparently, they were up north at a retreat and didn't have their phones...

All I know is that it's a huge relief to know they're okay and I won't have to make any medical decisions. They drove straight to the hospital this morning so we're meeting them there. My mom tries to keep some relative small talk going on the ride, but I don't feel like talking.

At the hospital, we check in as quickly as possible. Tom's parents meet us in the hall and talk to my dad for a while. My mom notices that I keep glancing into the doorways around us and asks if I can see Thomas.

"Oh, of course sweetie. My apologies. He's right over there." It takes every ounce of self control to walk to his room instead of running. As I turn the door handle, my stomach flips a little. What will he look like? What if I can't handle it? I'm tempted to turn around, but I know I have to go now or I never will.

A nurse is checking on him when I walk in. "Hey darling, are you y/n?"

"Oh, uh yeah. That's me." Sorry... but how did she know that?

"Oh! Sorry, that may have sounded creepy. Thomas here has very enthusiastic parents. They were showing me pictures of you two when you were younger and telling me all about how you've been friends since you were just babies... Sorry, tmi?"

"Uhhhh. Maybe? It's okay, though. I'm glad that they were able to distract themselves. How is he doing?" Her face turns to one of pity and I know it's nothing good.

"Well, he's going into surgery in about an hour... but they aren't really sure what else to do for him. I'm so sorry." A lump forms in my throat, but I can't tell if I'm about to puke or cry.

"Did they- uh- figure out what happened to him?"

"Oh, yeah... It was a car crash. Drunk guy hit him. They found his car about a mile from where someone picked him up... I don't know if he was ejected or if he walked a while before passing out... but..." As she continues talking, she gets quieter and quieter.

"Thank you," I whisper. She nods, then wraps her arms around me. I hug her back. I don't know why, but her hug makes me feel stronger. Once she leaves, I walk over to his bed and sit on the chair beside him.

"Hi Tom. It's Moo... I'm here now. It's okay if you wanna wake up soon. I really miss you. I, uh, never got to say goodbye to you. Remember our plans? We were gonna open a cupcake shop together and win wipeout or ninja warriors... then buy a giant mansion? I mean, we even planned all the room we would have. A ball bit, giant slides, an whole ice cream shop, a sparkly mailbox... And we were each gonna live in half of it with our spouse? That would have been fun... But you have to wake up, Tom."

Nothing.

Our parents come in and out a  few times, but I barely take notice. I just keep my eyes trained on his, hoping they'll open.

"Hey babe... I brought your bag in from the car. I think it'd be best if you came home, but I'm not gonna force you to if you really want to stay here. The nurse told me it's fine for you to stay as long as you sign a paper saying you're staying."

"Thank you mom," I whisper, taking my bad from her hand. "I'm gonna stay. I can't leave him. Not like this."

"I know sweetie. We'll be back early tomorrow morning. The bathroom is right over there and the nurse said you can ask for her if you need anything."

"Okay, I love you."

"I love you too. Stay safe and call us if anything happens." I nod. Tom's parents say goodbye too. They didn't even go home before coming, so they really need to shower, change, and get a little sleep. I assure them I'll be okay, then settle back in next to Thomas.

"Okay Tom. I'm gonna go change and stuff. Don't wake up without me. Or do, actually. I don't really care... I just want you to wake up."

In the bathroom, I lean against the wall and slide down to the floor. I haven't even checked my phone since we got here.

green bitch
hey did you make it over safely?
Y/n?
I don't want to pressure you... I know you're busy
okay, just let me know you're okay when you see this.
uh, also, I left something in your bag...
okay, talk to you soon hopefully.

sorry clay. I've been sitting with him all day

that's okay. don't be sorry.
did you look in your bag?

no, but i will.

When I open my bag, I find a box full of envelopes. Each one is labelled carefully for a different situation...

open when...
you're sad :(
you want a hug
you miss my beautiful face
i tell you to
you finally find these
you're sad pt 2 :((
you need advice
you can't sleep
you're bored
you feel lonely
you feel a lil hopeless

green bitch

omg clay.

you like it?

like I needed to cry again...

you cried?
i'm sorry

no no! it was a happy cry
thank you.
i love them.

i'm glad.
i though they might help while you're away.
wanna call or do you need to be quiet?

i can call. i'm here alone with him

"Hey," Clay says when I pick up his call.

"Hi... How are you?"

I just sit in the bathroom for a while, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, washing my face, and talking to Clay. I tell him just about everything. I tell him about the nurse and the bad news. The countless hours I spent holding his hand. My parents leaving. I tell him about how i've been talking to Tom even though he can't hear me... or i assume he can't.

After a while, I really wanna get back out to Thomas, so I say goodnight and we hang up. Tom looks the same as before. They did take him into surgery earlier and it went well, but they said he still didn't have any brain activity.

please tom. just wake up. i promise i'll never leave you again. i'm begging you. i can't handle this much longer. i need you in my life. you are my life. how am i supposed to live without my best friend?! you can't abandon me like this tom! PLEASE.

I repeat these words over and over, sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud. But no matter what I try, he lays still, a monitor pinging rhythmically to the beat of his dying heart.

To be continued...