Overwhelmed

cool sand

A week goes by fast. Too fast. Everyone is a bit more careful about what they say and do, but for the most part, all is peaceful. I had completely forgotten about my promised stream with everything that was happening and my fans aren't too happy. I asked George if I could stream on his set up to make up for missing mine. He was all too happy to let me, claiming that I could even use the facecam if I wanted. 

I said no.

I'm feeling nervous yet again as I click begin stream, but this time, Clay is sitting off to the side smiling at me. It startles me how quickly people join, but it's also so cool to think of how much support I've gained over the past few months. 

"Is your mic still muted?" Clay asks, tossing a grape into the air and missing his mouth.

"Yeah, but it's time to start. What's up?" I ask as he scrambles to pick up the small ball of fruit before it rolls under George's dresser.

"Oh, nothing... I just think you should use that facecam. You know, mix it up."

"After you." This reminds me of one of our first conversations before our collab. That day when he facetimed me with neither of our cameras on. It feels like so long ago.

He just rolls his eyes in response, so I unmute and take down the waiting screen.

"Heyyyyy! What's up?" I read chat for a while, responding to donations as I go. "I know, I know guys. It's so crazy that Dream isn't playing with me today. He's busy though."

"Am I?" Clay asks, just loud enough to hear on the stream. The chat goes insane.

Chat
kateunite28: HI DREAM
alizerek: OMG IS HE WITH YOU?!
ubullymewhy: guys it's just discord
yassssssssssssssso: hello
georgeisthegreatking: SHE A LIAR
elliejordann: sjdfbkasjbfuaiwubfkj

I mute my mic immediately. "What are you doing?" I ask in a hushed whisper even though I'm sure no one can hear. He just laughs and stands behind me.

"Unmute, dork," He says after a moment.

"Uhm... yeah so that was unplanned, sorry chat. Didn't mean to give you a heart attack. But, yeah. Dream is here with me which is why he isn't playing." Now, chat is going too fast to even attempt reading.

"What are you going to do?" Clay asks, jiggling the mouse to wake up one of the screens. 

"PvP probably. Wanna give me some tips?"

"Psh. I think you already know everything. But I'll watch." And he does. For three hours. I feel bad leaving George and Nick for so long, so I sign off once we get bored of PvP. Once I'm done and I've shut down all my programs, Clay and I sit in silence like we usually do after a stream.

"Ah, we should probably go back out to George and Nick..." he whispers.

"We should," I respond, making no move to get up.

"Should we though?"

"Maybe not." I join him on George's bed where he's been sitting since halfway through my stream. "Are you okay?"

"Really good, actually."

"I'm glad, Clay."

"Me too," he smiles, pulling my body into his arms. "How are you?"

"Happy," I whisper into his chest. My eyes begin to droop as he traces gentle patterns into my back and I let them. Streaming is always exhausting and I could really use a nap.  Judging by how low the sun is when I wake up, Clay and I have been asleep for a few hours. My stomach rumbles, reminding me that I haven't eaten in a long time. 

"Hey beautiful." Clay's voice is low and quiet next to me. I sit up, pulling his arms apart to wiggle out of his hold. 

"How long have you been awake dummy?"

"About thirty seconds," he pauses. "Come cuddle. I wanna go back to sleep."

"Nooooo," I say, narrowly escaping his reaching arms. He pouts up at me, but I can't be convinced. "George and Sapnap have been alone for hours. Who knows what they're up to?"

"I don't know and I'd love to keep it that way."

"Oh my god. Get up, Clay." 

"Fine, fine," he grumbles, finally crawling from the crumpled sheets. With a combination of pulling and pushing, I eventually get him into the hallway. When we join the boys in the living room, they're both curled up on the couch asleep. "I guess we weren't the only ones who were tired..."

"Shh," I hush him, laying a blanket over Nick. "We should go get food."

"Ice cream?" I shake my head and giggle. We've had ice cream at least five times this week, but Clay never seems to get tired of it.  "Pleeeaaaassseeee," Clay begs in a whisper, sticking out his lower lip and batting his eyelashes. 

"How can I say no to a face like that?! Oh wait, I know. No." He starts begging again, but I interrupt. "We have to get some actual food and THEN maybe we can get ice cream." Like a child, this satisfies Clay enough to push him out the door.

Using google maps, we eventually make it to a little pier with carnival rides, fast food trucks, and a giant beach area. Apparently, Clay and Nick staked it out yesterday while George and I did yoga. It's a cute little area, but we're surrounded by hundreds of screaming children and annoyed parents. For this reason, we go down to the beach as soon as our food comes. 

"This is perfect, isn't it?" Clay asks as we situate ourselves on the sand. I lay my head in his lap, no longer feeling so desperate to eat and he immediately begins braiding a little piece of my hair. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just thinking, sorry."

"About what?"

"Leaving. I wish it didn't have to be so soon."

"I know, me too... But we can come back sometime. It's not like this is gonna be goodbye forever. George is already wanting to plan a trip to Florida." I know he's right, but I don't want things to change once we go back and don't have Nick or George anymore. 

"You're right..."

"But... Something else is bothering you." That's true, but what is it? I'm not truly worried that I'll never see George again. There will always be opportunities to meet up if we really want to. And I'm not really worried about Clay and I. We were fine on our own before... this should be no different. So, what is it?

"I think I'm scared to be back in my house," I confess before my brain can even process what I'm saying. Clay's hands go still.

"Do you think you might be tempted to... try it again?"

"Maybe... Well, no. I don't think so, but it's still scary to think about." I hear him let a breath out slowly. "Clay, please don't worry about it. I promise I'll tell you if it gets bad again."

"Okay, good. I trust you. Let's eat, okay?" I nod and sit up to grab my food. In silence, we watch the sun dip below the horizon, feeling the sand grow cool under our feet.

To be continued...