Overwhelmed

an ocean

**TW: suicide and depression**

Before knocking, I pause again. My phone is vibrating in the pocket of my sweatpants. I pick it up in disbelief, seeing Clay's contact flash across the screen. In a moment of panic, I decline it immediately. Behind his door, I hear a sigh. Shit.

"Moo... it's me again... I know it must be such a surprise.  Uh, anyway, I thought maybe today was the day you'd answer, but it's okay. I'm still so proud of you." He pauses. My throat feels raw from holding back the tears. "I- I don't know, y/n. I'm starting to lose hope. Maybe I should just leave you alone. Maybe it's better that way..." 

The sound of his voice so close forces even more tears to my eyes. "So... I guess this is goodbye. I love you." An audible gasp escapes my throat. Before I can even realize what I've done, the door handle is turning. I frantically jump to my feet, crashing into the stairway and sprinting. 

"Y/N! WAIT, COME BACK PLEASE," his voice begs, but I don't obey. Still choking on my own tears, I stumble out of the building as quickly as possible. He may have been able to catch up on a regular day, but this is a new kind of motivation. 

Once in my house, I slam the door behind me, locking it firmly. His knocking and begging joins me soon after. "Please, moo. Talk to me. I- i didn't mean it. We don't have to say goodbye. I didn't know you were out there. Come on! You have to talk to me!" I can hear the desperation in his voice.

"It's okay, Clay. That's what I was saying. You can't keep being miserable because of me." Part of me feels relieved that he's finally realized that I'm bad for him, but another part is so disappointed. I struggle to keep the tears from wavering my voice.

"Please, y/n. I was just- It just wasn't a good day. I didn't mean it."

"You were going to send it anyway."

"I didn't think you were even listening to them ! What was I supposed to think?! You won't even look at me, let alone listen to my words-" His voice breaks. "Please."

"No." I've suddenly turned cold. A wave of annoyance and stubbornness sets in with this entire situation. I'm angry that I wasn't there for Tom, annoyed that he can't be here for me now, and not wanting to hurt Clay. "Please leave. Going to your apartment was a mistake."

"You mean that?" My heart aches for a moment at the sadness I hear in his voice. "You really think it was a mistake?"

I don't have to consider. "Yes, Clay. I made up my mind. This is best. I can't hurt you anymore."

"Okay... If that's your final decision," his voice rings out behind my locked door. Even through the wood I can feel the sharpness of his tone. It stabs me.

"It is." Pain. That's all I can hear in my own voice. I wonder if he hears it too. For a few minutes, all I register is an uncomfortable silence to the point where I begin to wonder if he left.

"Goodbye then," he says finally. "See you around or whatever." He's angry. Very angry. His footsteps tell me he's left. I stand and watch out the peephole as his tall figure disappears from my front lawn.

"Goodbye," I whisper. Suddenly, I'm hit by a force so powerful that I fall to the floor. I can't breathe. I can't move. Dark thoughts swirl in my brain in a muddled pool. The world is blocked out. All I can feel is desperation to be let out of this prison.

You shouldn't have let him go, I'm confused as Tom's voice rings out in my head.

How did you get here? I ask.

You're disgusting. You didn't deserve him anyway. You don't deserve anything, y/n. I can't believe I ever fell for your pathetic show. His voice ignores me, spitting out insult after insult. Thomas would never say this stuff, right? This is my brain. It has to be...

Shut up! You aren't Thomas!

I'm all you get. Clay only stayed with you out of pity. Do you really think he wanted to be there for you?? He would have worked harder if he did. This whole time, he's just been trying to get rid of you. He doesn't want you, idiot. You ruined it for yourself. He could see right through your bullshit. He knows the truth. He knows you're a horrible person, y/n.

STOP! STOP! STOP! I beg. If I could just open my eyes-

Listen to me. You don't deserve to be here. You don't deserve to be happy. You don't deserve him. You don't deserve your parents. You don't deserve me. You fucked up. His voice pauses. You couldn't even be there for me when I needed you most... What makes you think you have any right to live??

What?

You shouldn't be here. The world doesn't need you.

What do I do?

Kill yourself you idiot. No one wants you.

okay.

Some sort of strange drive takes over me. I walk outside to my front yard to glance around one last time. Then, I walk back inside. How? I think of swimming in prelims. Could that really have been just earlier today? It feels like eons ago. 

Then, my mind is set. In my bathroom, I begin running a bath. This has to be the right way. Still wearing Clay's sweatshirt, I climb into the freezing cold water. I imagine it's an ocean. Swallow me into your depths. As the cold waves swirl around me, my brain begins playing a relaxed tune. This is actually nice. The water rises to cover my face and I take my final breath in.

Good job, moo. This is how it's meant to be.

I missed you Thomas.

I know. I missed you too. But we're together now. 

Thank you for showing me. You were right all-

Y/N?! WHERE ARE YOU?!

Tom? Tom!? What's wrong? I'm right here. Calm down.

OPEN THE DOOR, Y/N!

What door, Tom? I don't understand. But instead of an answer from Thomas, a loud bang startles me. I try to gasp, but my lungs fill with water. As my mind grows foggy, the last thing I imagine is Clay holding me in his arms. He's crying. I don't know why.

I'm with Thomas, Clay. Don't cry.

To be continued...