The First Time (vinnie hacker)

18

Angel Montoya (tw suicidal thoughts, talk of mental illness⚠️)
After i put the leftover food away i walked over to the living room where everyone except Mateo were sitting. They were watching a show on the tv together all on the couch. I was just leaning against the wall watching them, they didn't realize i was there.

Sometimes i feel like they're good without me. It's not like i'm always home either way, and when i am home i'm rarely around any of them i just like being alone in my room or in the yard. It's wrong of me to feel this way because i know they love me but i don't think they would notice me gone. The only one who i think would be greatly affected would be Payton.

It's not that i don't want to be around them, it's that i can't. I wish i could be around them as much as they're around eachother but it's not easy. They're hard to talk to. If i were to talk to them about the things i've thought about doing they'd probably lecture me, make me feel bad, or be sad. And i just don't want any of those.

I am depressed. I've been depressed for a couple years now, diagnosed by a doctor. My family knows it, none of them understand though because they don't have the same issue. They seem genuinely happy in life and i can't help but be jealous. Why did it have to be me to feel this way, to not be able to be around them like i've always wanted to, to always want to be locked in my room. When they first found out, they would treat me differently. Like if they were to say something wrong i would break.

Then they gave up with the act. I have my bad days, the days where i don't want to do shit i just want to be laying down and not be bothered. They don't like that. They say i am just lazy and am using it as an excuse. I just wish they would understand me and not talk shit about it.

I am mainly in my room because i don't want to be in their way. I don't want them to call me lazy, i don't want them to think i want attention, i don't want them to see me as a fragile person. I literally don't want any of that.

They don't even know how what they say affects me even if it's a joke. My mom mainly she's the one who likes calling me lazy and saying i give excuses for everything. My dad, he's more understanding but i think it's just pity. He's not my biological dad so he probably feels bad for me.

My biological dad left my mom when he found out i was a girl. He wanted another boy but i was what they were stuck with. It's dumb. He left his pregnant girlfriend because he didn't like my gender. He wanted me to have a fucking dick. He didn't want two sons and a daughter, he wanted three sons.

When he left my mom, she met my dad a couple months before i was born and then they had Payton  a year and some months later. They got married shortly after she got pregnant and he took Mateo, Jordan and i as his own kids. I was always raised as his own because he was there before i was born.

I know he doesn't pity me but i still can't help but think that sometimes. One day he might even get so tired of me that he'll mention that the guy who's sperm i came from left me because i'm me. I don't know, i torture myself by having those thoughts but it's just something i have no control over. I wish i didn't think this way but it just happens.

When i found out that he wasn't my "real" dad i was so mad at everyone, i was mad that they all kept it from me. More mad at my dad though because he wasn't my biological dad. I wasn't mad at my sister, she also had no idea that he was only her father. My brothers knew. Mateo was 3 when sperm donor left, Jordan was one and i thought they didn't know but somehow they did.

I figured Mateo knew because he was a toddler and spent three years with the guy. I only found out because i found papers, legal documents, that had the names 'Mateo Gabriel Solorio' and 'Jordan Uriel Solorio' along with an unfamiliar name that i still remember reading so clear 'Fernando Solorio'.

I don't get it though. I could've gone my whole life not knowing that Jerry Montoya isn't my father, they could've lied to me and said that he was just my brothers dad but no they actually told me. I do appreciate the truth it's just hard to live with it. It's all confusing. None of the papers had my name with that last name so i don't get why they just kept that to themselves.

I cried about it, i yelled at everyone, i told my dad i hated him, i made a lot of bad decisions after finding that out and i regret them so much to this day. I've come to realize that they were just protecting me from being hurt. And yeah i kind of did suspect that i had a different dad because i don't look like my dad, my mom has told me when her and him met but it didn't add up with my birthdate.

I love my dad though, biological or not, he was always there for me through my entire life. In one of my darkest times he helped me through it, one of the many times that i wanted to die the most he was there by my side trying to cheer me up, even times he didn't know i felt that way he would still be there.

My thoughts were interrupted when i felt a hand on my shoulder, making me turn to my side and seeing my brother. "Why are you just standing here?" i shrugged at Mateo.

"My butt hurts from sitting and i'm about to go to bed." I lied and he nodded. "You finished the dishes?"

"The big ass pile? Yes, now my fingers are raisins." he showed me his hands which were wrinkly from the water.

"Loser." he rolled his eyes and flipped me off "Well im gonna go to sleep, good night Matt."

"Night" he messed up my hair and walked to the couch, leaving me to stand alone again. I was gonna say goodnight to them but i just walked to the stairs and went up to my room, closing the door after walking in.

I wish i was okay