𝙃𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙒𝙧𝙚𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙧 [ＢＫＤＫ]

chapter twenty

That night passed slowly, after Izuku's confession, Katsuki was left confused. 

The decision was something he didn't want to consider. Though, he thought that he'd give it up for him before. 
It was harder than he expected. 

"I don't know, I'll.. I have to think." Katsuki was getting ready to leave. "What?" Izuku questioned, feeling a little hurt. "He's my husband, Izuku." "You said you.. after all this I can't ask for that?" "It's a lot." Izuku waved his hands around in confusion, gritting his teeth. "I'm sorry, okay? It's my marriage."

"You said you were done for. I thought.." "Izuku.." Katsuki frowned. 
"We've been together for years. I can't think about it at least?" He started walking for the door, "I'm confused.." Katsuki knew he lied, about their marriage being over. He was just angry, he was impulsive. 

He felt guilty, like usual..  But it was strange, it was selfish. He was being so selfish, when two people felt that way.

"I shouldn't have said that." Izuku followed him to the door. "It's okay." Both of them wondered why Izuku was apologizing. 
"It's fine, I'm glad. But there's a lot of things to sort out."

The night ended with misery, Katsuki going back to his room. 
He called his husband after a few minutes of pacing and thinking. He sat down and waited, looking up at the ceiling.

It was hardly late, so he expected him to be home. But ringing after ringing, he didn't answer. 

He looked around his room, stressed, biting his tongue. 
So he left a voicemail, thinking it was better, since he was anxious. 

"Hey, Eijirou." He murmured, eyebrows furrowing, he squinted and cringed. 
"Sorry, I've been busy. I should've called you. You're probably worried." He laid down. "Sorry." 

He thought for a moment. "I hope you know you have nothing to worry about. I can..  control myself." he forced a silent laugh, "I'll be home in a day or two. So I can finally see you again." 

He didn't know if he really even wanted to. He didn't think about it, he didn't have to. He had somebody else for comfort, somebody he didn't have to miss. 
"I sound sad, sorry. I just miss you." He kept lying, building the guilt. 

"But when I'm home, I'll treat you to dinner." It sounded like he was apologizing for something. 

"That's not the point. I wanted to call you to hear your voice. But I think it'll be better to see you." Not being sure, about who he loved more, or.. who was prettier.. taking final notes seemed like the best option. 

You're disgusting.
He thought to himself. 
Selfish, greedy. Make up your mind. 
"I love you. I'll see you soon." He hung up the phone, tossing it to the side. 

Izuku is cuter. 
He smiled, thinking about him. 
But you can't have both. 

He despised the feeling, being so angry at himself. He neither regretted or wanted to end either relationship. He was supposed to be doing work, not comforting himself, with somebody else. 

It wasn't dirty, that was the problem. It was hardly sexual, which is why everybody cheats. He was falling for somebody. He was falling for somebody in the worst way.

Sex is just sex, but love.. Finding somebody more beautiful, somebody more comfortable. Somebody he considered, somebody he took risks for and actually indulging in them;

It was a betrayal, and he knew he deserved a punishment. 
But he was still selfish, and he knew it. He knew what he was doing. 

But he wanted Izuku, he wanted Eijirou. He wanted love, he wanted both of their love. When all he needed was one, everybody else was fine with one person, he thought. 

So why am I not?

He felt warm, thinking about Izuku. His laugh, his personality, their inside jokes.. his soft skin and his freckles, the depth he had even if he hardly said it. He wanted to know more about him, to read into him. He wanted to spend more time with him. He was what he needed. 

And diving into it, for sure, he thought that Izuku could very well be the final decision. He knew everything about Eijirou, Izuku was new. People like new things. 

But I'm just throwing somebody else away, then. 

He sighed, covering his eyes with his arm. 

"I hate myself for this."

a/n: that sucks man lmao