College years- lams fanfic

Chapter 38

Trigger warning- Mentions/Thoughts of Self harm and suicide

John POV

Me and Alex arrive back at our dorm at around 8, we got dinner on the way home but he hasn't really talked to me since we got back to Maria's place. "Are you okay?" I finally ask him.

"Y-yeah I'm fine why?" He asks.

"Well I don't know you haven't talked to me since we got back to Maria's after we went to see James. Are you mad at me or something?" I say walking over to him but he steps away almost scared.

"It's just I'm glad you taught him a lesson and stuff but you nearly killed him. It was terrifying watching you punch a guy almost to death. I don't like the thought of my boyfriend being about to hurt someone like that." He says not making eye contact.

"Omg Alex I'm so sorry I made you feel like that! I didn't even know what I was doing I was just mad that another person in my life has been hurt by someone like him. You know I would never do that too you," I say, putting my hand under his chin and making him look at me. He finches when I touch him which breaks my heart, he shouldn't be scared of me.

"Well I know you wouldn't but I just don't like watching you beat someone up, your scary when your mad and all the yell and stuff reminded of my mum and dad when he left" He responds.

"I'm so sorry, I promise I'll never do it again." I say and wrap him in my arms. After a minute he sinks into me a hugs be back.

"W-why didn't you get mad when Charles did the same thing to me?" He asks. He must hate me, first I scare the shit out of him and bring back childhood memories and now I don't even know why I wasn't as mad when Charles did the same thing to him.

"I'm sorry, I don't know I guess then I was more worried about you than Charles because he was going to jail anyway. This time James wasn't going to Jail and Peggy already had her sister and her girlfriend looking after her. Me getting mad doesn't me I care about her anymore. If anything it means the opposite." I say and he lets go of me and wiggles out of my embarrass.

"Are you sure you still love me. I mean I don't let you get mad and I'm way to clingy and needy and annoying and you're you. Your perfect." He says sadly.

"That's not true, of course I still love you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. You're the perfect one. I promise you're not clingy or needy or annoying. I love you so much" I say and he nods.

"okay....I love you too," He says but not very convincingly.

"Are you still scared of me?" I ask. He doesn't respond. "Alex?" I ask again and he slowly nods this time. I sigh and he steps back.

"p-please don't be mad at me," He says quietly.

"No, of course I not gonna be mad at you. This is my fault okay? I shouldn't have done that. I need you to know that I won't ever do it again, to anyone. I'm so sorry. How can I make you feel better?" I asks helplessly. I don't know what else to do other than promise not to do it again.

"W-will you let me...?" He asks and we both know what he means. I can't believe I hurt him so bad he wants to go back to cutting himself.

"Alex.....I'll do anything for you but I won't let you hurt yourself. It's not healthy and I love you too much to let you do that." I say and he looks sad but also a little mad.

"Yeah cuz I already have great mental health." He says sarcastically.

"Lexi come on. I know you're mad but we both know I can't let you do that," I try to reason with him.

"No John! You don't own me, you're not in charge of me! You don't get to tell me what I can and can't do! You say you want to help me and want me to be happy, We both know I would be happier if I was dead or a least could hurt myself!" He yells.

I can't think of anything to say. Does he really hate me that much. I decide it's best to just leave. I walk out the door on the verge of tears and head towards the library.

Alex POV

Fuck. What did I do? This is like the 5th time this has happened. He probably hates me or thinks I hate him. I should go find him and explain. What is there to explain though? I basically told him I would rather die than be with him. I told him I want hurt myself again, we both promised not to and yet here I am just told him the only thing that would make me feel better was being able to fucking cut myself.

I look around Campus cluelessly. Where would he have gone? Oh the library! I start walk in the direction of the library and when I'm just outside I run into Eliza.

"Oh hey Eliza what are you doing here I though you were still with Peggy?" I ask.

"Yeah I was but she said she just wanted to be alone and I didn't wanna go back to my dad's place." She explains.

"Oh cool, hey have you seen John anywhere?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"No I haven't sorry. Why?" She asks concerned.

"Well we kinda got into a fight and he walk out so now I'm trying to find him.

"So you've checked everywhere?" She asks and I nod. "Well if he's not around I kinda need to tell you something." She says.

"Sure what?" I say.

"Uh well it's kinda awkward but the thing is I-I've kinda had a huge crush on you since.... well since I first met you." She says nervously.

"You... um really? Well that's really sweet Liza but you know I'm with John and I love him so much. I'm sorry I love you too but not in the same way," I say trying to be as nice as possible.

"Okay but just-" She cuts herself of by leaning forward and kissing me. Just as she does John walks out of the Library and Eliza jumps back. The little bitch trying to make this seem like my fault.

"John wait I swear it's not what it looks like!" I say but he just runs off in tears.

A/N Okay I feel like I need to say, I love Eliza, she's amazing and my second fav Schuyler sister but she's gonna be a little annoy in the next couple of chapters.