Loving him is so wrong!

Chapter 54

Alana
"Are you really going to go see him?" Zara asked on my phone. I was driving home getting ready to tell Chandler about this quick trip.
"Yeah it's going to be a quick one. Besides it's just that talk that I needed from him."
"What exactly do you need from him?"
I sat there and thought about that. What do I need from him? Fucking closure apparently I know i need an apology from him but I doubt he would even do it.
"I need closure Zara." I said
"Closure from Derek? Do we have to see him?"
"Yeah i need to face him. I want to seem strong!"
"You are strong Alana! You're not weak don't listen to my dad. No one thinks you're weak." Zara said.
I rolled my eyes because I know she thinks I just gave up on finding someone else but that's not true. I'm truly happy with Chandler I just need to get my trust back to him. Hopefully I can move forward.
"Are you gonna tell my dad?"
"I don't have to tell him anything but yeah I'm going to." I said
I pulled up my driveway and saw Chandler outside with Avery and the dogs. Chandler looked up at me and he still looked mad about yesterday but what does he want me to do? I can't put that trust into him until I know he's not gonna lash out on me.
"Hey." Chandler said standing up and kissing my cheek. I picked up Avery and walked into the house.
"Hey." I said over my shoulder.
I went into my room and walked into my closet and grabbed my suitcase. Chandler stood in the doorway with his arms folded. He watched me as I moved around the room and started getting things together for my small trip. Chandler sat in the bed staring at me with a confusing look on his face.
"Going somewhere?" Chandler asked
"Yeah to Memphis me and Zara are"
"Why?"
"To see Derek" i said nonchalantly. I continued to pack and Chandler was just sitting there looking at me. I could tell he wanted to ask about it but he didn't say anything. I put more clothes in my suitcase and then looked at him.
"It's for closure Chandler. I'm going there to just talk to him."
"Why do you need to go? Just call him."
"Why did you have to go to France you could have just called your parents" i shot back. I don't even know why I have an attitude for. These twins have my emotions going crazy and just thinking about seeing Derek also has me on edge. Chandler got up and walked out the room mumbling something under his breath.
"IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY JUST SAY IT!!!" I yelled
Chandler came back into the room and looked at me. His face was unreadable so I don't know how he was feeling.
"Why do you wanna fight me so bad? You want me to get in your face huh! Is that what you want from me!" Chandler yelled. He walked up to me and was towering over me looking intensely in my eyes. I didn't say a word I was just looking at him and watching his hands.
"You want me to grab your lil ass by the fucking throat and throw you down on the bed? You want me to do that huh?" Chandler said pushing me into the corner.
"No."
"Cause I can fucking do it! If that's what you truly want! I can click that switch in my head Alana!" Chandler said
"Chandler. Stop yelling in front of Avery." I said softly
"Answer me then! What do you want me to do? I'm trying here and you acting like you don't see it. You already don't trust me."
"I'm sorry."  I said
"And I said be safe! Stupid ass always picking fucking fights I'm over this shit Alana!." Chandler yelled starting right back up. He roughly grabbed me by my arm and turned me to look at him.
"I don't want to fight you!"
"Yes you do! Alana you came home from wherever the fuck you went with an attitude and I didn't do shit to you but say hey."
"I don't have an attitude." I mumbled. I turned back around and threw more things into the suitcase and felt myself about to cry. Fuck I hate being pregnant. Crying over absolutely nothing! And I'm starting unnecessary fights. Uhhhh why can't I be a happy pregnant person!
"Speak up! I can't fucking hear you!" Chandler said obviously still pissed
"I said I don't have an attitude."
I turned and looked at him with tears falling down my face. I'm so on edge about seeing Derek that I'm taking it out on Chandler. Chandler saw me crying and walked up to me and hugged me and I broke down in his arms.
"Then what's wrong baby?" Chandler asked
"I'm scared. I want to work on us but Bryce said the only way I can work on my future is to let go of my past." I sobbed into his chest.
"Is that where you went? To see Bryce."
"Yeah. I needed to ask him some things." I said
"Oh. About what?" Chandler asked
"Nothing just had a few questions and then it turned into a whole session." I said to him.
Chandler just nodded his head and then sat down on the bed. I wiped my eyes and decided that if I wanted to talk to Derek I should at least call him and let him know.
"I have to call him." I said
"Call him." Chandler said
I grabbed my phone off the bed and sat down on the floor. I don't even have his number in my phone anymore but I knew his number by hard. I dialed his number and put the phone to my ear I was shaking and I felt like the room was spinning. I was so scared and yet I wanted to hear his voice.
"Hello?" A woman said into the phone. Oh. Maybe he got his number changed or something.
"Hi. This is Alana I was calling for Derek but I see I have the wrong number." I said
"No. You have the right number. BABE! Alana is on the phone."
"Alana?" I heard Derek say in the background
"Yeah. Here let me go get the baby." The woman said
He's a dad? Hmmm the man that hates kids actually is a dad now.
"Lana Lana Lana. What a surprise!" Derek said. Hearing his deep voice made my heart skip beats but not for a good reason. The way he was saying my name had some venom behind it.
"H-h-hey umm. Hi umm yeah uh so. Okay uhh I'm coming to Memphis this weekend just for a bit and I was wondering if I can talk to you in person." I finally choked out.
"Yeah sure. You wanna come to my house?" He asked. Chandler smacked my back and I turned and looked at him. He shook his head and I already knew that I wasn't going over there so I don't know why he had to do all that.
"No. Somewhere in public is fine." I said
"How bout we do a picnic by the Mississippi River like the old days and we can talk there." He said
"Okay that sounds cool. I'll call you again when I get there."
"That's cool with me baby . It's really good to hear your sexy ass voice I miss it. Can't wait to have you in my presence again." Derek said before hanging up the phone. Ugh hearing him call me baby had me feeling nauseous. I got up off the floor and ran to the bathroom and hovered over the toilet. Chandler came behind me and grabbed my hair and I started to throw up. Ugh I hate throwing up and I hate the heaving I do before I actually do it. Once I got done Chandler picked me up off the floor and grabbed my toothbrush for me and I started brushing my teeth. I grabbed the mouthwash and rinsed my mouth four times before I felt like I got every spect of bad taste out my mouth.
"I don't like the way he was saying things." Chandler said
"That's just how he is. At least I know he hasn't changed at all."
"You want me to go with y'all?" Chandler asked as he carried me out the bathroom and into the bedroom. I got back in my position and continued on packing.
"No. I have Zara I should be fine." I said as I kissed his cheek.
"Okay but you call me if he tries or do anything. I'll gladly kill him."
"Noted." I said smiling.
Chandler grabbed me and I sat down on him and straddled him. I flipped my hair out of my face and instantly got sick again. Ugh fuck the smell of him for some reason is too much! I hopped of Chandler and went and threw up in the bathroom again.
"So sex is out of the question for tonight?"Chandler asked
"Whatever you're wearing is fucking with my stomach! Please stop wearing that scent." I said into the toilet.
"You love this scent" Chandler said in a humorous tone.
"Well they hate it." I said as I started throwing up again.
Chandler laughed stripped out of his clothes and got into the shower. I finally got myself off the floor and went to check on Avery who was happily playing with his toys on the floor. I decided that I wanted to make steak and chicken fajitas for dinner. I heard keys jingling at my door and saw Zara and Terrence walked in. I instantly rolled my eyes at him when he smirked at me and went back to my cooking. I saw that they both had suitcases.
"Umm why do y'all both have suitcases?" I asked
"Okay so don't be mad but I told Terrence he can come. We might need him Derek is a crazy ass nigga"Zara said
"Yeah you might need some protecting or y'all might need some comforting." Terrence said.
Terrence eyes never left me and I couldn't help but wonder if I should tell Zara about this or leave it be. Maybe one day he'll get caught and Zara will leave him. I've never seen this side of Terrence before and I knew he was too nice so something had to have been wrong with him.
"Hey ZoZo. Terrence." Chandler said walking up front and towards Zara.
"Hey daddy." Zara beamed as she hugged him.
"Sup?" Terrence said.
Chandler nodded at him and then continued to walk towards me to see what I was cooking. Chandler kissed my neck then grabbed two beers out of the refrigerator and gave one to Terrence. Me and Zara looked at each other and Terrence look like he wasn't going to take it first but eventually he did.
"So Terrence you wanna watch the game?" Chandler asked
"Ummm yeah sure." Terrence said
They both walked out and went towards the living room. Terrence looked over his shoulders at us and I shrugged as Zara giggled and pushed him out the kitchen. Well okay then Chandler.
"How long before they start arguing?" Zara asked
"I give them a hour." I laughed
Surprisingly that night they actually were getting along and was having conversations and everything. They ended up eating all the food because I didn't have that much of an appetite and Zara doesn't eat that much.
**********************
The next morning Chandler drove us to the airport and was so nervous.
"Mmmmm call me when you get settled in. I still have your old apartment so y'all can stay there."
"Okay. I love you and I love you mama's baby." I said as I kissed all over Avery who was ready to get out my arms and back to Chandler. I kissed him one more time and then pulled away from him.
"Bye baby. And bye my little beans" Chandler said to my stomach before kissing it.
We got on the flight and I instantly fell asleep on the flight. I needed to get my head together before I see my worst fear ever.
"Lana baby come on let's go." Terrence said
I jumped up out my sleep and walked out off the plane. I was so nervous about seeing him that I didn't even feel like I was there.
"Lana? Hey Lana!" Derek screamed. Zara looked at
me and I looked at her. I didn't expect him to meet me at the airport. Zara immediately walked in front of me and started talking to him.
"Oh hey Derek nice to see you." Zara said
"Hey Z. You looking good." Derek said not taking his eyes off me. I felt so nervous and not in a good way. I hate the way his eyes just looked. Dark and angry all the damn time. I took a minute to look at him and he really hasn't changed. I mean he grew out hair and now he has dreads. I looked at his arms and saw the tattoos that covered most of his body. I glanced over at his neck just to see and yup it's still there. My name. He still has my name on his neck. I remember he got that tattoo to show his love after he beat me with a belt buckle. Cringing at the memory I walked around Zara and just looked at him.
"Hey" i finally said
"Let me get your bags. And I'll drive you to wherever you're staying. Sounds good?" He asked well it sounded more like demanded. I looked at Zara and she shook her head no.
"No we got it from here. She'll call you okay."
"No I insist. Come on Lana." Derek said. He grabbed my suitcase from my hand and walked towards the exit. Zara was right behind me as all of us got into his car. The whole ride I couldn't help but think of all the car rides I took with Derek. I remember one time we got into this bad bad argument after a party and he slammed my head continuously into the dashboard. I was so out of it that when I woke up the next day  he convinced me that I got jumped but I didn't remember any of that. Even though I knew it was him I still couldn't say anything for sure because I was drunk and didn't want to accused him of something. I also remember catching him with another girl in his car and Derek threw me into his car and kept telling me that I didn't see them together. Once we got to his house he grabbed some scissors and started cutting my hair. Every time I disagreed he cut out some of my hair forcing me to cut my hair into a bob. That whole time he kept telling me how I was so ugly and that he would never date me until my hair grew back. I remember I was so depressed that about that I lost twenty pounds.
"Alana, what's new with you?" Derek asked cutting me out of all my bad memories with him.
"Well I'm a mom." I said
"I heard. Tell me that you didn't have a baby with Chandler? I heard the rumors but didn't think any of them were true."
"More like I'm having three with Chandler." I said rubbing my bloated belly. I was barely showing but I still loved to rub on my belly and talk to my babies.
"And you're okay with this?" Derek asked looking in his review mirror at Zara.
"I have learned to live with it. But as long as she's happy then I'm happy."
"And you are Zara's man? I'm assuming." Derek said now talking to Terrence.
"Yeah." Terrence said looking at him.
"Well I wasn't so happy to hear about that. You know Lana,I wanted to get back with you." Derek said turning back his attention to me.
"Oh."
"Yeah. Well here we are."
Derek grabbed my thigh and smiled at me and the feeling of him touching me made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to scream and I wanted to run I never wanted to feel his touch ever again. I quickly got out the car and walked up the stairs to unlock the door. Once I got inside I ran into my room went inside the bathroom and closed the door. I felt like I was going to die and all the old memories that I pushed away came back. I can't deal. I started hyperventilating and shaking so I sat down on the floor.
"Lana?" I heard Zara say from the other side of the door.
"Give me a minute. I'll be out" i said
"No im coming in."
Zara opened the door and saw me on the floor crying and shaking. She quickly grabbed me and I broke down in her arms. I can't do this! I can't be in the same room as him.
"It's okay Lana. Think of this as a blessing in disguise. You can talk to him today and never have to see him again. Shit we can eat BBQ for the rest of the weekend and see our old friends." Zara said
I nodded my head and wiped my tears away and smiled at her. I'm so happy to have her in my life she was truly my soulmate. I hugged her and she hugged me back and we sat there silently.
"Come on let's get this shit over with." I said
Zara got up off the floor first then she helped me up and we walked out the bathroom. As we were waking down the hallways I can hear Derek talking about me to Terrence.
"Yeah she was just wild. Always had to have it her way and when I didn't do things her way she would lash out. She one time I was just talking to this girl and Alana made this big ass scene. I had to practically drag the girl out the party because I was embarrassed then I was trying to take her home and she threatened to jump out of the car if I ever looked at another girl again." Derek said.
Bullshit! Fucking bullshit! That is not how that story went.
"Derek that's a lie and you know that's a lie!" I said
"How am I lying?" Derek asked. Oh there goes that voice.
"Because you was the one that got jealous of me talking to some guy and I laughed at his joke. You grabbed me by my hair and forced me into your car then you would purposely try to push me out the car while it was moving! Don't lie to him!!!" I yelled
"Alana. That's not how that happened. You were really really out of it that night." Derek said walking up to me. I started walking backwards and I shook my head at him. He's lying! I know he's lying.
"You where hysterical that night. I didn't know what your problem was." Derek said in that low evil tone.
"You! You did something to me!" I said softly and looking down to the floor. Don't back down Alana! I quickly looked back up and we were now face to face. Well not really because of our height but you get it.
"What? I tried to protect you but you were high as hell." Derek said in an innocent tone.
"You drugged me! You fucking know you gave me something before that party and then I blacked out."
"If you blacked out how did you know that I was trying to kick you out a moving car? See Alana you're not making any sense" Derek tsked.He reached out and rubbed my head and tracing his hand down my hair. I pushed his hand away from me and he held his hands in the air defensively.
"No! I know you did I'm not fucking crazy."
"I never called you crazy Lana. Why are you acting this way?"
"Because you fucked my head up! Like you're fucking with my head now! You made me into this ball of  insecurities. You made me get weak to the point I don't know if I'm being loved or if I'm being controlled in my new relationship.And you wanna know the fucked part about this is that I still love you! I still wish you the best in life and hoped that you're safe. But you don't deserve that you deserve to die! You deserve to rot in hell for all the shit you've done to me! I went after someone just as crazy as you are."
"Alana,you still love me?" Derek
" yes but that doesn't mean a thing." I said
"What do you want me to do? Apologize for all the things you claimed I did to you!"
"No. I just want you to know that I forgive you. I want you to know that even though I'm emotionally fucked up because of you that I'm still gonna come out on top you will still be a miserable piece of shit. I want you to know that I am officially moving on and that I won't let what happened between us affect my life anymore. I want you to know that you did no t break me Derek. I can get the help that I need but YOU! You won't ever get the help you need because you're too coward of a man to do so. Now get the fuck out of my house!" I said
Zara got up from where she was sitting and opened the door for him. She gestured for him to move and he just stared me down. He didn't say a word and I matched his silence not feeling scared or afraid anymore. The more I look at him the more I'm not scared.  He finally turned and walked towards the door.
"And another thing! You're dick game was weak!!!" I yelled before closing the door. Zara and I started laughing. She pulled me into another hug and she started cheering.
"Good job Lana! You finally told him off I'm so proud. Hopefully you can move on with your life and not let Derek live rent free in your head."
"Mmmm that's true. I have to call Chandler."
"What are you going to say to him?" Zara asked
"I think I'm going to tell him that I forgive him and that I want to make it work." I said
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I know that after everything I should leave but that would make y'all happy but not me. He's trying and I need to also try and stop being such an idiot and doing things to make him react."
"That is true." Zara said
"Well goodnight yall."
I walked into my room and called Chandler.
"Hey baby how are you?" Chandler said after the second ring.
"I'm good actually I'm fucking great you should have seen it Chandler I finally got everything off my chest."
"You saw him today?"
"Yeah. It was unexpected but whatever. I feel good O feel great." I said
"Really? So what does this mean for us?"
"I don't know what do you have plan for us?"
"Hmmmmmm I can see you walking down the aisle Mrs.Carmichaels,I see us with the kids, I can see the drama free life just happiness nothing but happiness ." Chandler said
"Me too Chandler I can see that too."
"I'm sorry about everything Alana. I truly am. I wish we could go back in time and erase all our bad."
"But if we erased the bad you would never have tried to change."
"That is true. Anyways Levi is here I'm getting off the phone. I love you."
"I love you too. Kiss my baby for me." I said before hanging up.
I put my phone on the charger and heard a knock on my door. I unlocked my door and saw Terrence standing there.
"Hey." I said to him
"Let me in." Terrence walked into my room and I just looked at him.
"Where's Zara?"
"She went to get weed and food she said she'll be back in thirty minutes." He said
"Sounds like Zara. Anyways can I help you with anything?"
"Yeah."
Terrence pulled me into a kiss and I tried to pull back from him but he wouldn't let me go. Instead he picked me up and laid me down on the bed.
"Get off of me! What the hell!" I screamed
"Calm down I'm not gonna hurt you." Terrence said getting down on his knees. I kicked at him but he grabbed my leg.
"Terrence you need to go! Now!" I yelled
"Let me get a taste then I'll go!"
I scooted back to the other side of the bed and stood up. I'm definitely going to tell Zara about this.
"Hey y'all I got the food. Come eat." Zara said from the front.
"I'm coming." I said
I walked up to the front and Zara looked at me and then frowned.
"Girl what's wrong with you?" Zara asked
"I need to talk to you." I said in a serious tone.