How We See Happiness

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Warning : When I mention "difference", I mean to recall the earlier chapter when the religions issue was brought up. If it makes you uncomfortable, it's the right time to skip this chapter.

If you stay, thank you.
~*~



Some people might think that it's a relationship after several dates when others would start it after several months. To me and Cheondung, our friendship shifted into a romantic relationship after we met again on one of those days in a winter when the warmth of our linking hands convinced that we could give it a try.

He was nice as a friend, he's sweet as a boyfriend-- he promised happiness and I was melted.

It wasn't his kisses nor the hugs. Instead, it was his presence that steadied my heart in a way I needed for so long. It was beautiful.

But I remember questioning, "Will it work when I'm here and you're there?"

He said, "Just go with the flow." And I let each day build our story until I felt the certain of happiness-- until that happiness stopped being what I wanted.

We're different and I remember I wished for acceptance for the difference between us.

"You sound like your mother wishes someone for you that isn't me." It was said a few days before he left for the military service. He was quiet for that and I started to question if his family would accept me, I started to question if he would put some efforts for our relationship.

His silence gave me doubts, his silence told me that although we were together, I was alone.

I was disappointed.

And then, it came the moments when I was greedy for perfection, it came the moments when I wanted someone else with me, it came the moments when he wasn't on my mind when I thought of happiness.

But then again, do I deserve happiness at all after what I've done to him?

I breathe in and out, letting my eyes wander in the clinic room.

I used to be alright with the feeling of emptiness, but it is too empty.

Siwon and the nurse gave me space after I received the treatment and the time that follows is a torment  although I had been convinced that my baby is alright.

My mind is running wild although I'm motionless on the bed and I remember shaking my head when Siwon suggested calling my family after he notified that Cheondung had asked him to call my family. I didn't question  why he decided to speak to Siwon instead of seeing me. Then I heard from the nurse that he left but let her know that he'd be back.

An hour later, the nurse returns, telling me that Cheondung called to ask if my family has arrived. Then I am told that he wouldn't be back. In the end, I call my sister.

And when I thought that I made a right decision, turned out everything worries my sister so much.

She can't hold back her tears after she scolds me. Unlike the tears of happiness that I found in her eyes on her wedding day, this time she cries for me and because of me.

"Stop being so stubborn and just tell me what happened between you and your boyfriend. Then let me help," she has begged.

She's reasonable if she assumes that I'm over-stressed which might be the cause of the bleeding. And my heart is in pieces imagining telling her that the baby's father and my boyfriend aren't the same person.

"I'm ok. Please don't worry so much," I try, but she shakes her head.

"I can't see you like this alone."

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