Corrupted, Damaged, And Beautiful

F O R T Y

Nate

"Hope, which one will mommy love?"

"Hmm," she twisted her mouth with her index finger patting her lips. "I think that one, daddy"

Engagement rings. She hadn't woke up yet, but she would. She had to. I had faith. In a moment of madness, but definitely not something I regret, I asked Daisy to marry me. I meant every word I said to her and would say it a thousand times over if I could. I was getting this ring, and in a few weeks time - maybe months, I was getting down on one knee and sliding it on her left hand. She was going to be Mrs Clarke.

Hope had pointed to a rose gold ring. It was beautiful. I always imagined ordinary gold or silver, but this was different. Beautiful and unique like her. It stood out like she did. The diamond in the middle sparkled against the glass as the tiny bit of sun we had shone through, brightening Hopes little face up. I already imagined both their faces the day it happens, especially when I mention her little girl picked the ring.

"Okay, we'll go with this one"

The jeweller sorted everything while Hope looked at other rings she liked for herself. I'll make sure that her future fiancé chooses the most beautiful ring in all the land or he'll have me to deal with. She deserved just as much as her mother did.

"Here you go Mr Clarke"

"Thank you" I smiled at the lady before leaving with Hope to go clothes shopping. She was growing faster than I realised kids grew, and she needed a lot of new clothes now it was getting colder. It was November to be exact. Another reason I wanted Daisy to wake up soon, Christmas was almost here. It would be our first Christmas together. I'd been so excited for that, but now I was terrified. What if she wasn't awake on Christmas Day?

I shoved those thoughts away, focusing on my day with Hope. I had to be strong.

By the time we reached the hospital for the second time that day, my legs were aching. We'd spent three hours in a children's clothing store trying on outfit after outfit. She had a brand new wardrobe for winter and was extremely excited to show Daisy. Of course a prick of hurt stabbed at my heart like a needle. She knew Daisy wasn't awake, but she still believed she could hear and understand her. Some may say that's just naivety because she's a child, but I say it's optimistic. Because clearly she has as much faith as I do that her mommy is going to wake up.

"Aunty Amanda!" My eyes shot to Amanda who was exiting Daisy's room. She pulled Hope in for a hug before addressing me.

"You okay?" She gave me a smile that indicated so much understanding to how I was feeling. I nodded yes anyway.

"I'll take Hope while I get a drink if you want to be alone with her"

I hadn't actually been alone with her yet. There was so much I wanted to discuss without Hope in the room. The opportunity was great but it made me extra nervous. An uneasy feeling settled over me as I thought about sitting in there all alone, no one to distract me or hold me if I needed them. But I had to do it. I needed to.

"Of course, thank you"

I stepped in, my nerves getting the better of me for no reason. I took a deep breath to calm myself and stood watching her even breathing from the door. Even with wires and pipes sticking out of her she was beautiful.

I gently sat on the stool beside her bed, clasping her hands in mine. I pressed them to my lips, keeping them there as I spoke.

"I didn't ever think I'd have to witness something like this. I sound selfish but it's not." I shook my head, still looking at her. "I'm heartbroken because, yes I'm watching the love of my life deteriorate each day and hoping she gets better, but I'm also imagining the pain your in. The pain you've been in all your life since marrying that fool. I don't want you to be in pain. I just want you happy baby. I want you, me, Hope -" I paused, a tear dropping down my cheek. "And our baby" I broke down on that. I already know that when she comes around it's going to break her. That's what hurts so much; knowing she's in pain and will be in pain.

"I brought Hope some new clothes today. It was pretty eventful" I laugh, wiping my tears. "She wants to show you every single item, a catwalk and everything baby. You would smile so big, and you'd have me hard in seconds" I couldn't believe I'd just said that in the hospital room but I couldn't help it. Her smile was so perfect. Contagious too. "Thats something I've missed beautiful; making love to you. Feeling you, tasting you, hearing you. I miss every bit of you. I want to hear you moan, whimper, laugh, cry. I want to hear it all. For better, for worse. I want you as my wife."

Why can't you just wake up Daisy? Please.

"Daddy!!"

I wiped the rest of my tears away in one fast motion before turning to grab Hope.

"Hey baby, did you have fun with Amanda?"

She nodded. She'd noticed the tears. She always went quiet when she did.

"I'll leave you two to it, I'll speak to you soon Nate. Take care"

"You too"

As soon as we were alone, she looked up at me. She didn't say anything for a while, just wiped the rest of the wet of my face with her fingertips and hands.

"Thats it, all better" she smiled. "Mommy wouldn't want to see you upset, daddy. We need to be strong don't we." She hugged me before finishing. "Sometimes we all need a hug, it's what my teacher says at school. She gives me a hug everyday I leave."

"And does that make you feel better?" I ask, smelling the sweet strawberry smell of her hair as we hugged.

"Yes, but not as much as getting a hug off you or mommy"

My heart swelled with love.

"How about we both hug mommy at the same time?"

She nodded with so much excitement, it sent happiness shooting through me. She got me through everyday. She was the reason I still had hope.

"Mr Clarke?" The detective I'd been working with popped his head through the door. "Can we just have a small chat, somewhere private please"

My stomach turned in knots. Why would he need to have a talk with me? Since the shooting I hadn't really spoke to them. They said they would update me - which they did - but this felt more serious; something had happened, I felt it.

"I'll be back in a minute baby" I kissed Hope on the head before excusing myself.

"What's happened?" I asked.

"It seems Robert has flew off the radar again" he sighed, sounded agitated.

"What do you mean, Flew off the radar?" I tried not to kick off. I didn't want to cause a scene in the middle of the hospital but this was getting too much. How hard was it to find him? I'll do it myself if they don't.

"We had him. He was travelling across to France then he just disappeared. Our main worries is he paid someone identical to him, or to look identical to him, so we wouldn't know his next move. It worries me he could be anywhere"

"You're telling me he could turn up in this hospital any day? Finish the fucking job? Take Hope?" I was whispering, voice still slightly raised, with gritted teeth. I was more than fuming.

"I'm sorry Mr Clarke. We'll have an officer outside the door at all times, monitoring the hospital, and monitoring you and Hope too. Especially at her school" I nodded, but all I wanted to do was punch the fucker. It wasn't his fault, but I was fuming.

If they didn't find him, I would. I was determined to make sure he couldn't hurt us any longer.