S I X T E E N

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Two weeks had passed, meaning me and Nate had been on four dates

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Two weeks had passed, meaning me and Nate had been on four dates. My trust for him was growing each day, stronger and stronger. I still hadn't told him about Robert, but I was closer each day. He knew there was something I was hiding, as I sensed it every time something would set off a trigger, or a thought. You don't have to be a genius to know when I'm reminded of what he did. I dreaded his reaction the day I told him. I don't worry that he will leave, I worry he will try find him.

I confided in my new counsellor, whom had started seeing me last week. We'd had a total of two lessons, the first one was just me briefly explaining what led me to book a session with her, and then the second one we talked about Nate. Her words were to: "find a way that seems easiest for you".

At first I was a little baffled, asking her to elaborate. 

"Maybe write it down? Or if you want to tell him face to face, sometimes no eye contact can give you more confidence, or courage. Some people choose to say bits at a time too. It really is which ever way suits you"

"What if I'm not sure which words to use?" I tried not to sound silly, but sometimes the words you use determine a lot. Like how serious, or upsetting a situation is for someone can be expressed through words. Explaining your feelings can be difficult to put into those words.

"All you need to do is say it how it is. Maybe that can come across quite brutal, graphic even in this situation, but trust me there's no perfect way of explaining you were ab-"

"Don't say the word. I don't say the word, never." I worried my blunt interruption would establish confusion, but she was completely empathetic.

"I get it. Maybe that could be one thing we can work on. That could also be linked to the reason you're struggling to tell Nate. Maybe you need to accept what happened to you first"

Her words hit me strong. Had I not accepted I was hurt by Robert? I always presumed I had, but maybe she was right?
She had studied me for a few minutes after that as I hadn't answered.

Our session ended not long after, and I was left consumed by how to tell Nate.

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