T H I R T Y F I V E

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I didn't think my life could get any worse

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I didn't think my life could get any worse. You read books, watch films, hear documentaries about sadistic, evil people, but you never in a million years expect yourself to be apart of it. You never expect to be called a victim, or watch all the people that mean the world to you become victims too. Is it my fault? Did I do something unforgivable at some point in my life that I hadn't realised about? Or did someone up there really feel I deserved it?

When I was a child, I used to squash spiders if I saw one. It would take me a good half an hour before I had the guts to even come within a few centimetres of the things, but I would do it - eventually. I'd squash them so I wouldn't have to worry about them crawling in my bed in night, or up my leg as I sat on the sofa. Did that make me evil? Did that make it okay for my life to be so cruel? Was this a type of 'karma'

I sat in the uncomfortable hospital chair beside Amanda's frail body, as I tortured myself over and over again. I tried to piece together an explanation, but it was no good. Nothing came to mind.

Maybe I really didn't deserve happiness. Maybe everything I touched was cursed, and therefore the reason everyone around me suffered. Poor Amanda fighting for her life is a prime example. If she hadn't helped me, she would never be in this situation. She didn't deserve this.

Then there's Nate. I've never felt love like I have for him. He's so perfect. His tender kisses, soft touches, and endless love makes my heart shake in my chest. I have no doubt about how he feels for me. I have no reason to not trust him. I know he's in love with me, and would do anything for me and Hope. Especially for our unborn baby. And for that he definitely didn't deserve this life and future. One full of fear and hurt. Is this how Nate is going to end up? Or worse? Will he get his hands on him too? My stomach churned and another nauseous feeling came over me.

I lifted from the chair forgetting that Nates huge body was next to me, and almost startled when he jumped up with me.

"I feel sick" I said, shaking and trembling. I could barley speak, my mouth was a quaking mess.

"Shit!"

He pulled the bin closer and I spilled my guts in the most unattractive way possible, while he rubbed my back with so much care and love. I was hunched over, almost suffocating his lap, throwing up. Not that it could be done in an attractive way, but I could of at least tried not to do it all over him. Luckily, it landed in the bin and not on him.

"Fuck, baby" he hissed, still rubbing my back in circles.

I gripped his thigh as my head spun a little before slowly raising my head. "I'm sorry"

"Stop apologising, it's most likely morning sickness and stress joined together. Don't worry" he kissed my temple before standing to do something with the bin.

"Erm, I'll be back" he nodded to the bin and left.

I let out a giggle. How did I manage to do that in here of all places? Ergh.

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