America: 50☆Stars (Vol. 2)

Episode 45: The Kansas Experiment

She whimpered, "Boss, this isn't right either. I don't want to get into the porn business."

"Calm down." He handed her the box of porn. "This is purely business. It's nothing new."

She whined, "I'm not looking forward to this at all!"

~ Help me... ~

"Beads... Beads... Get some beads..." Kansas delivered with low energy, holding up a black rubber beaded string.

From behind the camera used to film the online auction, Missouri snickered, "What's that? I can't hear you. Can you tell me what you're selling?"

She scowled. "Beads."

"What kind of beads?"

"... Anal beads." She hid her burning red face in shame, too depressed to stop Missouri from laughing at her embarrassment. "I think I'm better off in Hell..."

"Nonsense!" California appeared with a megaphone in hand, acting as a director on a porn set. "Come on, girl! If you're gonna pull this off, you need to be more confident! Smile more! Say anal from the top of your lungs! Hold those anal beads up like it's a picture of your dog! You gotta make it sell like it's the hottest thing on the market!"

"I... I can't."

"Yes, you can!" She wrapped her arm around the Kansan's shoulders. "Do it for the kids!" 

She sighed, "When you put it that way, I guess I can put up with this at the cost of my dignity. Still, how am I supposed to make this a success when I'm selling...t-this!" She flailed the anal beads toward the ground.

"Easy!" She pushed her aside, making herself the only person at the center of the shot. "No worries, Kansas. I'll show you how this is done!" She dramatically flipped her hair.

"Okay." Missouri pressed a button on the camera. "Let's hear your sales pitch."

California made a natural smile that made her sparkle with enthusiasm as she spoke, "Attention, horny hounds and super sluts! What I'm about to tell you is going to make you gag harder than this $2 ball gag." She showed the product on camera. "The government of Kansas is fucking kids like this twelve-inch dildo with a suction cup base which, by the way, is a good deal at $40." She held the dildo up in her left hand. "I mean, the government isn't actually fucking kids, but they may as well be. Because the stupid budget shortfall they're responsible for is taking a toll on public education which sucks harder than this $60 Fleshlight!" She held the product up in her right hand.

"Sure, you have three dildos and a spare fleshlight at home. Guess what? I don't fucking care! The only things I care about are the poor kids who won't be able to learn their ABC's and 123's because some dildo with a bigger head than this $20 inflatable sex doll," she dropped the toys and brought up a creepy sex doll to show off on camera, "doesn't understand how the fucking economy works. If you want to have a heart of gold like me, buy any of the products shown at this auction like the fluffy handcuffs I'm currently wearing. Then, you can proudly say you save the kids' lives by wasting $15 on a hot pink vibrator which I highly recommend for an intense orgasm!" She winked at the ladies who might be watching. "So, what are you waiting for? Hurry up and buy while they're available at auction!"

Missouri made a round of applause. "Well done! The best adult sex toy advertisement since...ever!"

"Thank you! Thank you!" California and the sex doll bowed graciously.

"Oh, hey!" Nebraska exclaimed at the computer on her desk. "Looks like Mr. France bought a pair of those fluffy handcuffs you showed off."

"Cool!" She gave a thumbs-up. "See, Kansas. With great passion, you'll be able to accomplish anything your heart desires."

"Hm..." Kansas looked over at a box of sex stuff, feeling more neutral instead of disgust this time around. "Okay. I think I got this." She grabbed a random toy from the box and appeared on camera again. "Hello, freaky weirdos! In my hand is something you may be interested in purchasing. It's a...cock ring?" She looked over at her friends. "What's a cock ring?"

"You can't be serious?" California groaned in disappointment. "It's a ring...for a cock."

"O-Oh!" She stared at the package of colorful cock rings in her hand. "Where's this supposed to go on a rooster?"

"It's not that type of cock," Missouri stifled a laugh.

~ Hetalia! ~

Hey, hey, daddy, give me root beer!
Hey, hey, mommy, hey, hey, mommy!
I cannot forget the taste of that
Sour cream raisin pie I ate before!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Hello, I'm Kansas!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Looking closely, that's the Earth!
Or maybe, that's the Earth?
I'm the Sunflower State!

Ah, with just a brushstroke,
A wonderful world can be seen!
Rolling in amber waves of grain!
I am Kansas!

☆☆☆☆☆

+ The Kansas Experiment refers to a bill signed into law in May 2012 by Sam Brownback, the Governor of Kansas at the time. The goal was to upstart the state economy by implementing one of the largest income tax cuts in Kansas's history, considered an ambitious, unprecedented act in the study of economics. Brownback believed it would be a "shot of adrenaline into the heart of the Kansas economy." What ended up happening instead caused Kansas to lag behind the national economy, the economies of its neighbors, and its own economy of past years before the bill's enactment. The promise of economic growth never came to fruition. By April 2017, Brownback had a 27% approval rating, considered one of the least popular governors in the nation. Later that year, the bill was repealed by the Kansas Legislature after overriding the governor's veto; Brownback still defended the bill without waver.

- The biggest consequence of the Kansas Experiment was the exponentially growing budget shortfalls that forced the state government to cut funding for social services. To recuperate some of its funding, the state would resort to seizing property to collect money owed to them. It was perfectly normal and legal for them to do. Nevertheless, the Kansas government made headlines in September 2014 when they negotiated with the owner of a failed series of adult sex shops to auction off its merchandise, so they could pay back more than $163,000 in state taxes. To repeat, it was perfectly normal and legal...

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