America: 50☆Stars (Vol. 2)

Episode 27: Florida Man

Out of all the places to be during the coronavirus pandemic, jail is probably the least ideal. Yet, Georgia is there for a reason. No, she isn't in trouble. But she knows someone who's in deep trouble...again.

"Thanks for coming to visit while I wait for trial!" Florida waves with a silly grin.

"Don't act so happy about being in jail again!" Georgia scolds her.

"Sorry. I'm still happy you came even though it's not necessary."

She sighs as she sets herself down at a table in the visiting hall. "As your only neighbor with a lick of common sense, I'm obligated to check on you, making sure you haven't done anything reckless like doing crack, shrooms, or both whiles sucking on people's toes."

"I don't get that crazy on drugs."

"Regardless, I figure you haven't done much to prepare for the pandemic, so I've done some shopping for your benefit."

"Aw, how sweet."

"Don't flatter me." She scowled. "What have you done to land in jail again? It can't be good, obviously."

"I mean," she blushes, "it's nothing big. Just arson, animal harassment, and possession of marijuana."

Georgia gives her a weird look. "I'm not surprised about arson and the Devil's lettuce. But I'm skeptical concerning the charge of animal harassment."

"It's a long story," Florida smirks. "You see, it happened two days ago..."

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"I was going to the nearest IHOP around 3 AM."

"That's quite early for breakfast."

"Well, I was smoking a couple of joints when I got the munchies," Florida explains. "I had this craving for bacon, but I was too lazy to cook. Also, my alligator ate everything in the fridge, so I had to search for a place that was serving cooked bacon. Thank God there was an IHOP close to where I lived. Otherwise, I would've died for real."

"No, you wouldn't."

She rolls her eyes. "At the restaurant, I ordered a giant plate of bacon with a side of chicken tenders and waffles because it looked sexy good on the menu. And while I was waiting for my food to be cooked and served, a man in his late twenties came into the restaurant with a lifesize cutout of Donald Trump. He looked sketchy as fuck."

"Please don't cuss." Georgia frowns.

"But he really looked sketchy as fuck!" she exclaims. "The moment the guy stepped into the restaurant, I swear I was high again from smelling whatever number of reefers he smoked. At first, I thought he was like me. I thought he had the bad case of the munchies, and his Floridan swamp cat ate all the bacon and pizza rolls in the fridge. If so, he must be desperate because he wasn't wearing pants."

"Pardon?"

"The dude only had on a shirt, a pair of underwear, and some socks with sandals," she recalls. "Yeah. Only guys that high wouldn't give a fuck about what they wear. His case of the munchies had to be that bad for him not to notice the other three customers at the counter who were staring at an outline of his junk underneath a thin layer of cotton. It was a MASSIVE distraction."

She groans, "Did you have to include that detail?"

"Yeah," she giggles. "It was the only thing I was thinking about while waiting for my food. I thought, 'Man, must be nice having a huge schlong.' If I had a huge schlong, I probably wouldn't give a shit about people staring at my package, too."