Ruin Maketh Me

79 - A talk with God

     Something strange unfolds between us, it's as if we're balancing on a fine equilibrium with each other's blind spots in hand, even though Hoplin's the one at an advantage.
     I raise a brow, "What do you want to talk about?"
They shoot a hostile look at Leonard, and threads of yellow magic suffuse from their hands into the air until we're completely shielded by a thin barrier. I straighten and cast a watchful eye around the shimmering sheen.
"It blocks out all sound." Hoplin explains, eyes drifting over me and away to a distant scene non-existent in my sight.
"So what is it?"
The ends of their delicate brows flinch, and their slender hands clench tightly in their lap, "It wasn't an accident. I stroke a deal with Leonard for him to sell me to the Voights." His fingers loosen slowly with a repressed tension, "I was going to make an exchange with Nicholas Voight, but now," They laugh, "He's not going to be the next head of Voights is he?"
My eyes flicker down to the flashing ring, and a faint shifting delight pumps through my arteries, "And? What do you want with me?"
Hoplin's eyes tear away from whatever far yet reachable future they're penetrating and fix on me, the pale brown burning sickeningly bright with a flushed bravery in delirium, "You're, no, you were Elijah, am I right?" They pause but don't wait for my answer, "No, no, that doesn't really matter. The point is, your father's going to die, and I want to make a deal with you."
An erratic disorder fizzes through my chest, and my heart misses a beat. A distorted mixture of sorrow and joy furrow through my bones, and even though I mean to say something, my throat doesn't let the words come out.
Hoplin doesn't seem to mind, they carry on seemingly without an inkling of the conflict battling inside of me, "When you become head of house, I want you to set free all of the Beastian they're conducting experiments on." Their voice presses lower and lower, "You need to stop it, you need to save us all. Those human bastards, they think they can transcend this realm, but Uhyls will punish them. No one, no one will reach that state—
"Hoplin, Hoplin!"
They shudder to a stop, eyes trembling.
"Calm down."
Their big brown eyes blink, "Ah, right." They say softly, "The Voights think that by experimenting on protogynous Beastian like me, they can discover what makes us so close to Uhyls. But they'll never find anything at all, it's impossible. Do they think they can become closer to Uhyls by sinning? Never...When you become the Head of House, you have end it all, for the better of everyone."
I rub my temples and pinch the bridge of my nose. Protogynous, Uhyls, experimentation... Everything whirls through the littered space of my mind as if there's still enough empty space that could be given away.
"Wait, let me get this right. The Voight House is experimenting on protogynous Beastian so that they can become closer to Uhyls, and you want me to stop the experiments when I become the Head of house because the current lord's going to die."
Hoplin gives a forceful nod so hard, his neck bends with a nauseating crack.
My fingers drum against the floor, "How can you be so sure that he's gonna die in the first place?"
Their eyes flash, "Uhyls has declared it."
My eyelid jumps, and I press my fingers to my forehead, "Yeah and somehow you know exactly what Uhyls is thinking of doing."
"Why do you think they're experimenting on us?" They shout, razor sharp needle-like teeth shooting form their gums, "We can communicate directly with Uhyls, and the arrogant bastards that they are can't bear to live knowing that Beastian can do what they can't!"
Everything becomes blank and meaningless. My thoughts are no longer my thoughts, my words no longer my words, my voice no longer my voice but the remains of the self that is left, "What did you say?"
"...Of course, I don't expect you to do this for free. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, whatever information you want, I'll give it to you for free. I'll even become your spy if you need me to be! As long as you set them free, I'll do anything—
"I want to talk to Uhyls."
Hoplin's voice stops with a croaky crack midway up his throat, and a silence drains the fervour between us.
Hands shaking, I crawl forwards and grip their thin shoulders tightly, "I. Want. To. Talk. To. Uhyls."
Their eyes dart across the space, and they quiver backwards, mouth wide open.
"Uhyls or no deal." My voice rings faint and dismembered in my ears like it's drifting from someone else's mouth and not mine. But it is mine, I know it. Not Elijah's, not Ashford's, not that woman's, mine. Just mine.
"Is there," They swallow, androgynous smoothness cracked and stuttering, "really nothing else?"
My fingers tighten into their skin through the flimsy cloth of their shirt, "No. There's nothing else." How can there be anything else? If I could talk to God, just once, just once, I'd do anything. Anything at all.
Hoplin closes their brown eyes, dark lashes fluttering like a butterfly caught in a web, "Fine...If that's what you demand."
A spool of thread unravels within me and spills itself through the labyrinth of my heart and mind. They expand and gasp and strangle my organs cell by cell as Hoplin takes out a glowing piece of parchment from thin air. With a flourish of their yellow magic, a series of glowing letters imprint themselves within the thick paper. Line by line, the whole cream sheet is covered in light.
      "Here." The parchment floats from beneath Hoplin's hand to my chest.
Hoplin Anahita will provide Cynder Delphus a single audience with Uhyls in return that Cynder Delphus release all Beastian from Voight related experimentation upon becoming the Head of the Voight house. In the duration of Cynder Delphus's position as the Voight's Head of House, the Voight House shall never conduct experiments on Beastian whether living or deceased. If either of the parties fail to reach their agreement, their souls shall be permanently destroyed for all eternity.
     "I have no objection against the contract." I say.
      Hoplin's jaw clenches, and they pass me a pen slowly. Without hesitation, I sign my name largely and clearly under the glowing letters. Their brows furrow gently, but they follow suit and write their name beneath mine with a kiss of their magic. The whole sheet of paper burns brightly white and the solid fibres melt away into two orbs of swirling gold. One orb dissolves into the soft skin of Hoplin's inner arm, and the other forces itself into my hand, inch by glowing inch.
      Molten pain distorts through every bone and sinew, and my arm falls limp to my side, but I grab onto it and hold it within my mind. Anything, I'd do anything to meet God. What is pain? What is torment? They've both the cheapest things in this world. They're worth nothing. My teeth grind together, and slowly, the speed of a passing cloud, the buzz fades from my ears, and the tiring white space clears in my sight.
     A subtle concern plays across Hoplin's wide eyes, but they say nothing, only lift their arm to their eyes with a passing smile.
     "My audience." I push out between my teeth.
     A flickering tightness creases the bridge of their nose, but they nod faintly, scanning the never-ending expanse, "I suppose now is a good time. Though," They pause, "it's up to Uhyls to decide whether the time is right."
I laugh quietly, burying my fingernails into my palms, "Yeah, well, I'm pretty damn sure this is the right time now."
A flare of anger shoots into brilliance across Hoplin's features, but they close their eyes, and apricot yellow light leaks out of their mouth and nostrils like cigar smoke. It thickens and swirls around them like a bottomless whirlpool. A suffocating heaviness pierces the base of my throat, and quicker than my eyes can see, the viscous vapour squeezes back through their clothes and the pores of their skin.
The whole world spins upside down and crunches together, and there's no SPACE, and there's no AIR, and I can't breathe, and everything, everything flashes colourless and something that appears within my vision but isn't COLOUR.
I still.
Everything stills.
I breathe.
All the previous disorientation and nausea vanishes completely, and as my feet land on solidity, I wonder if I had only imagined it.
But no, everything has changed. In the mere flash of a passing no more and no less than a second, everything has completely changed down to its very nature.
My eyes roam across, or is it around? This place... it can only be described as spaceless, somewhere beyond the physics of any world. My feet stand stable on a flat surface, and yet there's nothing holding me up in this realm. There is no sky or floor or edge, this place is round and yet it isn't. What fills the rest are streaks that cannot be described by any words, only, negative colours. But they are not monochrome. No, they are in their entirety minus, negative, and yet they are still, in some unconquerable sense, vibrant.
So bright, so dark, so beautiful, so incredibly ugly, tears drip from the corners of my eyes, and I can't stop crying. I can't bear to look, and yet my eyes can't bear to shut. Everything is so intangibly holy that everything is so tangibly evil, and all right is wrong, all wrong is right, and what's right is still right, and what's wrong is still, yet, wrong.
Nothing is understandable.
A figure melts into this 'Nowhere'. They have blue spiky hair, an average stature, small slender hands, and yet, they're not Hoplin.
Their eyes snap open, and there are no pupils or irises, they're orifices filled with pureness without any flaws.
My mouth dries. What was I going to say? Just what had I in mind when I signed my name on that contract? My mind fizzes and grows fuzzy, and a helplessness courses through my body.
"Why?"
Uhyls wears no emotion on Hoplin's face, it's so completely empty, it's as if I'm talking to a machine without a brain or a heart, "Why?" It repeats back at me, voice hollow and so large, it coils around me once, twice, thrice, "Don't you think all your suffering, the pain, the humiliation, the despair, it's all leading you to a destination that'll fulfil you? Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there."
"This world's the destination?" I bite out, "But why do I have to go through so much pain if I was destined for something good at the end? Others don't suffer as much as I do, and yet they still have their happiness!"
"Do you think happiness can still be happiness without suffering? Both would be pointless without each other. The greater the suffering, the greater the happiness that can be felt."
"Pointless?" My arms swing open, "That's only in human logic! You're a GOD, you should be able to make humans happy without suffering! You should at least make this world FAIR!"
Uhyls falls silent.
The non-colours swirl aimless around us.
"I may be a god," It says finally, "but there are limitations that even I cannot breach. I would make this world fair, if only suffering and happiness could be measured. The hearts of creatures born under me, they're strange, and once you try to place the pain of one and another on the scale, you realise that they weigh out to be the same. And yet you would not call it fair."
My mouth opens and closes, but the only sound that comes out is, "No."
"Life is balance, there's debt and there'll always be compensation, no matter in what form. But you, Cynder," It's godless eyes pierce into me, "you don't believe in fate. You seek freedom, and yet you always find yourself entangled deeper. You try to save yourself, and yet you always find yourself even more injured. This time, you don't have to try so hard. Don't you think there'll be the freedom you seek in death? Everything's already laid out in front of you."
The world blurs into nothingness, "Are you telling me to die?"
"No," Its fingers burn ice cold against my skin, but the touch that brushes away my tears is immeasurably gentle, "I'm not telling you to do anything. But remember, I know not how to lie. Limitations pin me down just as strongly as they do you, Cynder. You can hate me all you want, but I love you, and all I want is the best for you.
Believe me—
It smiles, horrible and automatic, and before my words can fracture the air, everything fades away.