Ruin Maketh Me

8 - Strange girl and her Icarus

Finally, I stop.
I'm on a hill and from the top I can almost see the whole of the sprawling Academy with its grand stone buildings and towers and beautifully tamed gardens. This is all too strange, too horrifyingly new a feeling to not be able to control my body, my emotions. In that moment I had felt as if my body belonged to someone other than Me.
Out of control.
I never want to feel like that again.
Who had the owner loved and hated with such a passion? With such emotion that their life and blood must've ignited to fuel this fervour. I don't want to know. But I have to. I have to find the source to seal the fountain off.
"Fallen Luchus." A soft, sweet candy floss voice echoes from behind me.
A deep sigh rushes out of me and I stay looking out at the Academy, shielding my eyes against the glare of the sun. Whoever it is, leave me alone.
     "You're a Fallen Luchus."
     I stay silent.
     "You've strayed too far, fallen Luchus." The whipped cream and cherries voice says slowly and seriously.
     A short laugh strays from my mouth, "Luchus this, Luchus that, the hell are you even talking about."
     A little girl wearing a pink silk dress slips into view, her pale lilac hair swinging gently with each skip.
"Before Father Uhyls created all the other races, he created the Luchus. They were eternally untainted, messengers of immortal impartiality. But one day, a Luchus disobeyed Father Uhyls's orders and became corrupted, and he was cast away from Father Uhyls's side."
I stare down at the top of the little girl's head, glimmering holographically in the dance of sunlight, "You think I'm a fallen angel?" I throw back my head, "Hahahahaha, aren't you a wise one, to have seen through the world so early?"
The girl lifts her head to me, and in her pastel purple eyes there's a blank clarity. She peers into my soul like flesh and all my barriers are simply transparent things.
"Your Uhyls is in agony because of you. Your Uhyls cries for you."
I whip my head away, "You know nothing about me. God has no right to cry when I'm the one suffering!"
Her voice is level and calm, "You don't believe me."
"No. What do you know about God? What do you know of life?" I point back the way I came, "Go and play with someone else or go back home. I'm not a babysitter."
My anger spikes again, and I tighten my fists, but it rises and rises.
"No." The little girl shakes her head, "I'm sure of it. Your Uhyls is lamenting."
I walk away from the girl and her nonsense. Why won't people just leave me alone!
"I can tell you what Uhyls is saying, I can hear it." She pauses, clearly expecting me to stop.
I don't.
She clears her throat, "Why? Cynder, why did you leave me again!"
I freeze. Sweat drips down my forehead.
"You can't fucking die! What about me? How can you forget about me! How dare you Cynder Delphus. How dare you!"
Her words rip my heart from my chest.
     "I gave you my home, my money, my body, my future, my all! You belong to me! How dare you die before I kill you!"
     Jacques, oh, Jacques. I twist around, and in a blur she's before me, "How? Just how?" My voice trembles.
     There's a triumphant smile on her face, and I hate it and my hands itch to rip it off her lips.
     "So you believe me now." She wrinkles her nose, "His energy levels are dipping."
     The air rushes out of me, "What?"
"That's not very good, they don't wake up if their energy levels go too low."
I forget to breathe. Jacques is dying.
Of course he's dying, you're the one who put him into that accident, it's a miracle he's still alive.
Stop! Shut the fuck up!
What, now you're feeling guilty about destroying his life, future and body.
No. No, no, no, no. He deserved it.
You're just lying to yourself.
"Do you want to hear more, fallen Luchus?"
" No." I say through gritted teeth, "Just shut up."
The girl tilts her head, "Are you not happy?"
I force my legs to walk away, but they feel weak and unsteady. Any movement now, I might topple. Jacques, he's finally dying. After all those years. I should be elated, care free, but all there's left in me is turmoil.
My face is freezing in the heat. I lift my fingers to my face, and they come away wet. Why am I crying for someone like him? I don't understand.
I once thought the thing I understood most was myself. Now, I understand nothing.
     Why?
I take another step forwards.
I sink, and I fall.