Ruin Maketh Me

40 - Lost in the sun

     Lilith places a plate of scrambled eggs, spinach, bacon and golden toast on the table.
I glance up at him with his platinum gossamer strands of hair and liquid amber eyes, and the sense of a strange familiarity settles on my skin again. The unspoken yet seemingly ever present question drifts to the front of my mind again. What is his relationship with Honeycomb? In some sense it's almost like he knows whatever Honeycomb knows, and although it's convenient in some ways, my skin prickles at the thought. It's silly, nonsensical and paranoid on my part, but can anything truly be absurd in a world full of magic? Lilith is a safe haven within the desert of doubt and uncertainty, but this morning I can't seem to shake off the growing questions about his dubious actions. I shouldn't assume anything, after all, anything's possible. Honeycomb may be able to communicate with him, and is there anything wrong with that?
"How did you know I wanted to eat this?" I ask, picking up the knife and fork.
A secret smile presses Lilith's lips and gives an evasive answer, "Honeycomb told me."
I chew through the brilliant food. See, he's answered the question, I should stop being so fucking paranoid about everything. It's alright.
"How was yesterday's sleep?" Lilith takes a small sip of coffee.
I look up and fire him a quick smile, "It was dreamless, thanks, how did honeycomb do it?"
Lilith shrugs slightly around the shoulders and passes me a small pot of blueberry jam, "He warded off Julius Kade. Apparently, he' s good at guarding people he loves."
A laugh spurts out of my mouth, "And how do you know that? Though I must say, I'm really fond of him too."
A hint of red kisses Lilith's face, but before he can answer, I cut in sharply, "Did he tell you that as well?"
His smile wavers, "Ah, yes. He doesn't particularly like people and yet, he sticks to you."
"That so?" I place my cutlery down with a clink, "Yet I never see him in the morning or afternoon."
A twinge of discomfort flies by Lilith's brows for the briefest second, but I latch onto it, and a sudden sadness wipes the suspicion from my heart and mind. I'm not the kind of person to pick at inconsequential details incessantly, especially towards someone who's done everything to help me. It's the shit with Ralphus and Julius getting to me.
"Forget it, I'm sorry, I'm not in a very good mood at the moment."
Lilith's fine face sours into worry, "Is it the Kades?"
"Yeah, well," I shove a fork of egg into my mouth, 'Julius Kade wants to have a 'talk' with me."
Lilith's cup comes down onto the saucer with a prominent clang, "He—
"This much I can handle, Lilith."
His expression smooths out a fraction, but the worry and anger are still there, frozen into the pores of his skin like a second layer. The most Julius Kade will do is rape me, though maybe rape isn't the right term, because I'll let him. Won't I? I'll let him do that to me for one night; it's nothing new. As long as he doesn't kill me, I'll do anything.
I hold back my sigh, "It'd be good if you could buy me off him earlier."
     A new determination and a small sorrow sparks into Lilith's molten eyes, "I'll carry out the transaction tonight, there's a boat leaving tomorrow evening."
    I feel a smile spread like wildfire over my face. Tonight, I can be free tonight! Untethered, unbound, unconfined, maybe I can truly start living like the swallows in the sky. The things I'll see, the things I'll do, the things I'll enjoy... White hair and violet eyes come crashing back down in front of me. Ralphus. What about Ralphus? He'll still remain chained to the entity that is Julius Kade. He yearns just as much for freedom, revenge and true life as I do, the inferno behind the swings of his sword rage enough for me to see. And although he's a 'free' man, he's as much a slave as I am from the unknown constrictions shackling him. But unlike me, he can't leave this place.
     So what? I tear through the meat. There's no way I can free him too, even if I want to. And I do. I want to free him. The pain, the shame, the shitty despair of being trapped but not completely, I know it all too well. But surely one out of two living is better than both dying?  It's just the way of life. This delicate web of understanding between us, I have to break it, even though I keep on rebuilding it.
     "Cynder, are you feeling unwell?"
     My eyes flicker up, "No, no. I'm happy." Yeah, I'm happy. I'm not a saint, I'm just a normal human being, and right now I should be happy.
     Lilith's eyes swim from one end of my face to the other, "Are you sure, do you want to lie down for a bit? You don't look too well."
     Coldness travels down my body, through my limbs, and I stare at the pale reflection of my face in the silver cutlery, "I'm feeling fine. I don't need to lie down."
     He gives me a slow nod, "If you think so. Though I—
     A melancholy entanglement of music suffuses the air of the small apartment.
     Lilith dabs his mouth with a napkin and places down his cutlery, "Excuse me."
     He takes out an A5 sized flat screen from a pant pocket, and the screen illuminates with faint blue light the moment his hands touch the black metal-like case. The unbearable music ceases cleanly, and Lilith's thickly lashed eyes runs horizontally across the screen quickly. A momentary flash of delight jumps through his features, but soon that disappears and is replaced by a look of seriousness and a mixture of guilt, anger and almost-embarrassment. Seemingly reading the message twice-over, he stows the screen away and looks back up at me with an apologetic half-smile. 
     "Something urgent has come up tonight, I won't be able to have the talk with Julius Kade." He says quietly, eyes roaming my face.
     My vision gains a strange surreal quality. Yes, there's a sort of grey disappointment and impatience, but more than that, more than anything really, is a rush of temporary relief that dyes everything a buttercup yellow. I've becomes strange. These days and weeks have changed me, for better or for worse, I can't say.
     Lilith's eyes withdraw from their worried patrol, "I'll talk with Julius Kade tomorrow night. As for tonight," he leans forwards gravely, "there might be a way to protect yourself if worse comes to worse."
     "Protect myself?" I huff. What can I do against a magic-full demon? Stab him and hope not to die?
     The empty plates disappear from the table, and Lilith places his clasped hands on the table top, "There's a reason why Otherworlders are feared. I'm sure you've wondered why that Otherworlder is so powerful despite the whole world knowing her true identity."
      "You're talking about the woman who saved you?"
      "Yes," he nods, "You understand that the reason you could transmigrate into this world in the first place is because your soul is tens and hundreds times stronger than the average person. Under certain circumstances, this strength can manifest into a physical or energy form which can fundamentally balance out your incapability of using magic. Ματερ, the Otherworlder has somehow grasped the mechanisms to controlling this strength, and frankly, when correctly used, Soul energy can be more powerful than magic. Though I myself am not sure how it functions, you may be able to exhibit this power under certain circumstances."
     Maybe I'm not wholly useless after all. A pure laugh rings from my throat, "Is there no law of the conservation of energy in this world?"
     Lilith tilts his head, "You're not creating energy, you're just transferring the energy stored in your soul to a different energy store."
     I push back strands of my fringe, somehow I can't stop smiling, "Doesn't that mean I lose soul energy?"
     A smile kisses his lips too, "You have so much soul energy, this small loss hardly matters at all."
     Supporting my head with my hand, I filter through the information. If by some chance I can grasp the mechanisms behind controlling this strange power, I'll be able to live freely in this world without fear of being exposed and disposed. I won't have to be wary or scared of fuckers like Julius Kade.
     "Is there anyway of communicating with this ματερ?"
     There's a slight pause in the easiness of Lilith's expression, "She lives in Mal, when you leave this place, you may get a chance to meet her, though it depends on her mood."
"Ok." I tap the side of the armchair. If there's something I do have, it's time. I'll meet this ματερ sooner or later. As an Otherworlder myself, there must be some kind of string of fate leading us together. Maybe then, I'll solve this mystery altogether. Until then, I'll survive my own way or somehow figure out the rules to this unique power.

By the arrival of the afternoon, a part within me tells me acutely that Ralphus won't come and pick me up today.
This sense grows intensely stronger as Lilith leads me down the stairs into the ever empty church hall. There's a subtle triumph in his smile, and my heart tells me exactly what he means by the grin.
"Your Knight isn't here to pick you up." He says relaxedly, leaning against a column.
A heaviness descends over my limbs, "If Ralphus is my Knight, then what are you? My priest, my advisor, my teacher?"
The look in his illuminated eyes becomes bitterly earnest, "I'm your partner, your aide, your confidante, and everything you want me to be." He cocks his head, "Or am I wrong?"
My heart pulls taunt, "Ah. No, no." A gentle laugh stirs the dust, "You're not far off."
I pass through the heavy doors, past the clumps of purple lilacs, into the empty clearing. At least you have some idea of what everything is and isn't. I used to know too, but lately everything's become murky and unclear. What are we to each other? Ralphus, you, even Julius. It used to be simple, there were only two categories: business partner or stranger. But now, people don't seem to fit into the boxes.
People aren't even people anymore. Perhaps that's one reason nothing works perfectly anymore. I climb the stairs, count the steps, one, two, three, four— Does Ralphus being a demon confuse me? Are they so different from humans? Yes, they are physically stronger, have higher magical power, have longer life spans, but truthfully I can't see much mental difference. And Lilith, he's another problem. I'd assumed he was a human, but maybe he's something very different too. There's a lucid strangeness to our every encounter.
But maybe I'm the one with the problem.
"You always think that there should be a reason for everything. This world is illogical, Cynder. There's no logic behind human emotion."
I ascend the last step. Maybe you were right, Jacques. Maybe there's no reason to anything. Maybe I gave you a hard time because I thought it came all too easily, the money, the food. A wave of nausea forces its way through my stomach, up my throat. That's wrong. Wrong.
     An image of Set wavers in and out of my vision, and for a terrible second I don't even know whether she's real or not.
     "Human." She calls darkly.
     God, she is real. She steps towards me in a sleeveless red dress and black, glossed heels. There's something lacking in her expression, it's like she's holding back a breath.
     "I'm to take you to the Master." She says, stalking forwards firmly in her height. But even in her confidence, there's an unbidden edge to her voice.
     A discomforting silence descends on our walk. In the dim orange light, a slow uneasiness blooms in my heart. The missing question still lies in the air. She must be feeling uneasy too.
     "This hasn't ever happened before." She says finally, her sharp voice taking on a confessional tone, "I've warned you."
     My eyes pierce into the passing-by, empty shadows of the buildings, no longer so beautiful, "I don't think this is my problem."
     Set remains quiet, gone are her usual defences. Another lonely building passes us by, and she says to the falling sun, "I can see what attracts him to you."
     I can almost see the glaze in her eye.
     "You feel... more demon than human sometimes. And yet, other times, you feel more human than any other human. It confuses me." Her tone hardens, "I don't see how that should be a reason for his treatment towards you though."
     "And what treatment would that be?" I ask, knowing the answer.
     Her back is a flaming torch within the world of dusk, "He didn't harvest you immediately, and he didn't let the others touch you either. He didn't kill you, and now he wants to meet you privately in his room." She pauses, "I heard he even granted you your slave mark personally. He must've taken a liking to you the first time you met, even though you're only a human."
     A sour smile twists my lips. We pass the edge of the portal restricted zone, and yet Set continues to walk forwards for a few moments before stopping. She stands very still for a passing second, then she spins towards me, her dress flaring up around her, "Where will this take us?" She whispers.
     And I don't know.
     Because I'm the one who's lost in the setting sun.

-

AN: Lutra's POV is decided! I will write it when the right time comes up. Promise everyone that Cynder's gonna have some romantic action before chap 50.