Ruin Maketh Me

50 - You don't deserve a happily ever after

One thing I learnt early on in the previous life is that when it comes to paranoia, I'm generally correct. Doubt others but never doubt yourself, that's the rule I lived by day in day out.
I don't know whether it's quite possible to feel paranoia without even seeing or knowing the source, perhaps it would be more accurate to call it a sense of foreboding, but the shifting in my guts grow stronger the closer I get to the dining hall. The unease slides through my stomach and up my spine gleefully, and although I don't know the reason for it, something's acutely wrong. Or, at least, something like Lilith's torture and Lutra's bloodlust will break this illusion of contentment again. Ralphus stiffens and his shoulder drifts away from mine. He feels it too, this moment like an intake of breath. I set my jaw. Our fleeting moment of innocent joy has already been broken.
There's been a change. And this change is beyond those double doors, now seemingly colossal and ominous. What have the Kades done this time?
I grasp the chilling door handles and fire a quick glance at Ralphus. His sensual mouth is pursed and tightened, his eyes dim and filled with a certain half-knowing, half-dread. This nervousness is of a foreign quality. My chest shifts, no, that's not right, it's not completely alien. I've glimpsed it on that red-haired, pale-faced, black-eyed reflection every time Jacques stepped in and out through the door. I've glimpsed it on Ralphus's face that night when he had asked me to leave, haven't I?
A tremble runs through my fingers, but my arms know the command, and they fling the heavy doors apart. Lutra does not look up to antagonise me with his bloody eyes, but I catch the flyaway hint of a smile on his half-hidden lips.
"Good morning." Julius offers neutrally, but even so, the tone of his voice cannot hide the adjustment in his demeanour. His stance, the way he holds his knife and fork, they're still the same. But the curve in his lips, the flickering darkness in his eyes... A nausea envelopes and chokes me. They're like that time. They're like that man.
—auburn hair glowing coal red in the flare of candlelight and neon lights here and there, ash grey eyes that devour and leave nothing behind, and teeth, the teeth that snarl and laugh and frown and, "my eyes are ash grey like your name, darling, we're matching don't you think—
Inhumane. It's the look of a beast. It's the look of a man who's darkness can't be suppressed or contained any longer. Is this the defining trait of a demon, mentioned to and fro between lines by Lilith? The so-called Shadow. I had thought it strange before, what man didn't have a shadow and a pit in their heart caused by suffering and society?
My feet shift backwards. I understand now. This Shadow is fundamentally different, it's a sadistic thing, it's not born from the passion for revenge and retaliation. This is a thing of nature, if this thing could ever be accepted as natural. Now Ralphus's previous dread makes sense too. Libido, lust, sex drive, how long has it been since Julius has had sex? Three and a half weeks and now they can't hold it back any longer. 
I seek out Ralphus's stiff figure at the table, and raging tension pounces on me from the sharp lines of his neck and shoulders. Oh shit. This is bad. This is very fucking bad. My eyes inch back to Lutra and the cruelly amused curl of his lips. He's not going leave me out of this is he? Even if he can't penetrate me, even if he can't kill me, dragging me there to watch would be enough humiliation for Ralphus wouldn't it? That's would Dan would've done.
My fingers curl and I clench my teeth. I should've been prepared for something like this. I'd been too taken in by their mirage, this false sense of security. And now they deal a card I didn't expect. This is the consequence, and that's why I shouldn't have allowed myself to give in to the drunkenness of liking someone.
Bang! A crashing wave of sound washes through the entire house. The floor beneath us tremors and shakes, and a great yawning noise travels up through the very brick and timbers of the mansion. I grasp onto the metal door handle tightly, and Ralphus shoots up from his chair with his hand on the hilt of Aureus. What the fuck, an earthquake?
My eyes sweep through the shaking room. All the Kades remain seated with their usual languid indifference. There's no panic, not even shock. Unease explodes within me like a forest fire. Even this, is this part of whatever fucked up plan they had made up? The grounds juddering scream subsides as abruptly as it came, and all that's left of the boom is a faint yet persistent ringing. Julius casts a nod at Set, and she steps into a fold in air. Ralphus's hand leaves the hilt of his sword, and he gives me quick, anxious look over.
The clenching of my heart grows tumultuously. Is this again, another event meant to be out of my control? I shouldn't be so overwhelmed, I'm Cynder, god, what haven't I experienced? What haven't I seen? Have I ever been engulfed by the prospect of the sex, the worthless thing it is? The answer comes flat and empty.
Clink. Set's heels click back into the hall, "Master." Her face is as sharply cool and collected as ever, "A part of the campus was destroyed in a bout. All lessons are suspended today." Her blue eyes hover to mine with unspoken words, "The Lilith of the Helm will be dealing with the aftermath, he left you with us for today."
The restless emptiness tumbles through me. Ah. So this is it. This is the start of the shitty things I have to endure without a word unless I want to lose an arm or leg. Just like before. Just like fucking before! God damn it all!
Julius places down his knife and fork with a prominent clang and dabs his mouth with a single swipe of his napkin. A darkness encases his bright irises completely like a film, and the curl of his lips fade into something stern and demanding. A thin sheen of violet light spreads out from under his feet, onto the floor, up the walls, across the ceiling like a rippling layer of purple water. Ralphus leaps towards me, enclosing me in his strong arms and warm magic before a blackness as deep as space daubs itself across the room. Then we're falling, the floor is not the floor, the walls are not the walls, and there's nothing to see, not even the sickening chorus of colours, only darkness. Dense darkness and a plummeting fear and an eruptive sickness and the only thing keeping me tethered is Ralphus's firm torso, tight arms, warm breath in, out, in, out, in—
We crash.
I retch dryly onto whatever floor we skidded along, but nothing comes out but sticky drips of saliva and nausea, "Fuck."
Gentle fingers hold back my hair, and Ralphus's wide eyes swing into view, "How do you feel? Any pain? Chest, abdomen, back, anywhere?"
A cough splutters from my throat, "Fine. Nothing wrong. Just need a second." I take in a deep breath. One. Two. Three.
—softly kissing the edges of my fingers, he shakes his long black hair back, "Cynder Delphus, I'm sorry."—
I clench my head and slowly rise to my feet. Fuck, did Julius actually think an apology beforehand would suffice? What sort of shitty, out of the blue warning was that? It had no effect whatsoever. Did he think that those simple two words would make me forgive him for whatever he's doing and will do? He's not that naive. And if he thinks I'm a fool, then all the time he's spent with me was for nought.
Ralphus holds onto my arm firmly, and the sickness draws back enough for my vision not look like we're under water. All around us rises white Doric style Greek columns, and the floors are completely constructed of smooth marble. Instead of a room, the space we're standing in is more like a chamber with its vast, high rising ceiling and stylistic features. My eyes take in the ridiculously large bed in the centre and the ceiling covered in mirrors. Holy, this place... it's almost like a high end sex hotel.
A feral laugh rises around us and Lutra flings himself onto the bed. The Fool steps out from behind a pillar and proceeds to strip out of his shirt and pants. The hand on my arm tightens, "Cynder." Ralphus calls through gritted teeth, turning me away.
Another burning hand clenches into my other arm, and Julius's scent of charcoal and cherries enshroud me. Soft black hair hangs over my shoulder and hot, charring breath pants unstable by my ear.
Dark-clawed hands force Julius away from my side, "Stay away from him."
"No." Julius says, intertwining his fingers with Ralphus's.
My heart lurches, staggers above the pit. This is why you don't let yourself like someone, it screams, it's never going to stop, don't you see, it's always been like this, before with Dan, with Jacques. No, no, no, no, no, not again. It's never going to stop. It's hopeless.
You don't deserve a happily ever-after.
Breathe. Cynder, breathe. One, two, three, four, five. The one who is in real pain is Ralphus, not me. Imagine who desperate he's feeling, how humiliated, how ashamed he must be, how— I know! For god's sake, I know!
A deep growl emanates from Ralphus's throat, but Julius tightens his fingers into Ralphus's hand, ignoring the deep red dribbling from where the black claws pierce into the flesh and muscle and bones of his hand, "Be a good boy Ralphus." He coos with the lull of his deep voice, "And I won't hurt Cynder, I promise."
The purple rages with despair and fading light, and Ralphus releases his claws from within Julius's hand. No, fuck. Fuck! If only, I could do something, anything, what? What can I do? Someone tell me what I can do! Please. Please. Anyone.
The pit smiles, the lips yawn and spread and swallow me down, all, "The only thing you can do now is protect yourself. Protect your heart. Protect your body. You can't protect Ralphus the way you are now. Be distant. Be cold. Pretend that nothing anyone does can hurt you. Pretend that your heart and body are made of diamonds. Pretend to be unbreakable, and you won't break."
I won't break.
I can't break.
Julius glances towards me, and his eyes curve demonically, "Give Ralphus an enema."
Ralphus's face pales and reddens, and his eyes roam my face wildly, and he bites his teeth together, and he looks away from me, body shaking.
"Do you know how to give one?" Julius asks, stroking the skin of my arm.
The edge of my lip twists. My eyes harden, "Yes."
Ralphus's eyes flash back to me with abrupt, unconcealed shock. And in the instant it's like all the strings keeping his mind in place are unravelling and snapping, one by one by one.
I grasp his strong wrist, pull him towards me, intertwine my fingers with his long and calloused ones, interlock our hands together tightly into an unbreakable lock, "It'll be alright. Everything will be alright. Believe me."

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AN: Couple of smutty chapters ahead dear readers. And yes, the writing style seems a bit different this chapter (I don't know why either, maybe cus I wrote it in a different app first?).