Help Me (sequel to Save Me)

Chapter 147

Trigger warning

Remington's announcement on feeling suicidal puts everyone on edge, specially Emerson, Sebastian and Andy, who are scared to let him out of their sight. It wouldn't be the first time he's unsafe to be left on his own.

After the long night of performing and posing with everyone outside, they all crawl into their seperate bunks and are soon on their way to the next city. Andy plays with his husband's hair and carefully pulls his hands away when Remington starts feeling his ribs again. The boy exhales and tries to sleep. He thinks about what it felt like when he tried to overdose, how he didn't really feel anything much at all. It wasn't that he was numb as such, just that his mind went almost completely blank because he didn't see the point in thinking anymore. After all, he thought he was going to die. Even now, he isn't sure if he actually wanted to die, or if he just didn't know how else to deal with what was going on at the time.

But now he is sure.

Now he does want to die.

He yawns. Andy kisses his hand. "You alright?" The man asks in almost a whisper.

Remington shakes his head.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Remington shakes his head again. He doesn't know where to start with talking about it. He doesn't know what he's supposed to say. I want to set fire to a building and stay inside as it goes up in flames. No. He can't say that. He isn't sure if that is even how he's feeling, anyway. He desn't know how he's feeling. "Why did anorexia choose me? What did I do wrong?"

"Oh princess, you did nothng wrong. You don't deserve such a horrible thing. The world is unfair to give such a beautiful, kind person such an awful disorder."

"Everything sucks."

"I know."

The boy yawns again. "I hate everything. Everythng can fucking suck my dick."

"Go to sleep, sweetheart."

"I hate sleeping because I keep getting nightmares about Holly and I hate Holly and I hate nightmares and I hate being tired but I can't sleep because I hate sleeping and I hate being awake because I hate myself and I hate being asleep because of the nightmares and if I die then I wouldn't have to live with myself anymore and-"

"Take a breath, honey."

Remington whines. "I hate breathing," he mumbles, falling asleep.

"Is there anything you don't hate?"

"Dying."

Remington calls Abigail again in the morning, since he only feels more suicidal as hours go by. She lets him get everything out and is relieved that he told everyone yesterday that he's feeling suicidal. Remington can't say he doesn't feel a bit better after talking to her.

He keeps thinking about how it was definitely Holly's brother who was assaulted him, and he can't know it's him and not do something about it. It's eating away at him. Maybe that's why he's feeling so depressed. The fact that he knows who it is and no one will take him seriously. Not even Andy believes him. That's what hurts. He realises that now. Andy doesn't believe him.

Remington jumps off the stage after soundcheck and pulls down his bracelets when he realises they've ridden up his arm and are exposing some scars. He walks around the echoey hall until Andy returns from a shop where he was buying some more books for them to read while they're stuck in the bus. "What did you get?" Remington asks, peering into the bag in Andy's hand. "Lies Lies Lies? Is it a book about Holly?"