In This Lifetime

Chapter 5: Risks

I wake up with an aching head as I hear my vibrating phone on my cupboard. I notice my room filled with complete darkness and only the light coming from my phone is illuminating a faint glow to it. It's still night time, and I almost thought I'd slept for a day now.

I lazily reached my phone and see Bright's name showing from the screen. It's still 7:30 in the evening and I almost wanted to drop the call but my finger had its own mind and betrayed me as I basically answered it.

[Win where are you? You're not replying through my texts.] He breathily said and he sounded concerned. Or maybe not. I rolled my eyes with the idea.

I was asleep I'm sorry. I said lazily and unintentionally sounded like he is a bother.

[Sorry to wake you up.] He paused and I feel his voice starting to change in a tone that sounds very soft and sweet. But I couldn't care less. [Have you eaten? Uhm, I need to go somewhere Win. Can we schedule our dinner next time? I'm sorry.] Oh yeah I even forgot about that already. Well, I'll be ditching him supposedly after what I have seen earlier and I just couldn't really take it. I don't know but I really felt sensitive today and it's annoying.

And of course, maybe that's the reason why he has somewhere to go because he's going with her tonight. I sarcastically laughed the thought in my head and shrugged it off.

Alright. I said blankly but I tried very hard not to sound rude.

[Are you okay Win?] He asked and as much as I wanted to ask him the questions that kept on lingering in my mind ever since this late afternoon, I bit my lip just to suppress that creeping urge and controlled myself from spilling my beans. Why? Because I have no right in the first place.

Who am I to act this way? I'm just his friend.

Yes Bright. I lied and tried to find a reason just to end the call as soon as possible. Hmm Bright, I need to do something. Take care. I smiled without any hints of sarcasm and I sounded really sincere.

Well, I don't have that much of a choice about my feelings, right? Maybe it's just my fault for giving in with the emotions I have tried to suppress for too long.

[Okay Win, take care. See you!] He then said and I ended the call. Why does he always say my name like it is a very fragile object? And now I'm starting to hate my name even more because it always gives me a burning sensation within the pit of my stomach every time he mentions it.

I sighed with the recurring thoughts and immediately dialed Adrian's contact. I just need someone to talk to right now.

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. And I am really confused. Not with Bright, but with myself.

"Hi Win! Why did you call?" Adrian said with a lively voice on the other line. He's maybe in his unit now because it is too silent where he is.

"Adrian, I..." I mumbled but, really, I don't know where to start.

"Why? What's wrong? Your voice sounds sad and ugly. Why is it?" This man really is annoying and I chuckled as I hear him chuckle too. He really knows me and it's making me more emotional right now my gosh.

"It's just that, I don't know what to do anymore. I saw Bright and Rosie earlier at the benches near the bookstore. And it's just that... I don't know. I felt jealous and angry." I said while almost running out of breath. "Angry and frustrated with myself because I don't know why I'm acting like this. It's confusing, and I don't know what to do." I said and I realized that I'm already sobbing silently. My chest is starting to feel heavy as I try to swallow the lump inside my throat.

"That's because you're emphatic to your feelings and emotions to Bright. That's why you are frustrated right now, Win." He said like as a matter of fact and I don't know what to say about it and continued to listen on what he's about to say.

"It's normal to feel that way because you like him. And there's nothing wrong about it. You have suppressed your feelings for him for about 2 years now, Win. Don't you think confessing about it now to him could finally ease the pain inside your chest?" He said and I sobbed even more. I wanted to confess but the thing is, I never wanted our friendship to end because of me because I've always thought that this stupid feelings will never be reciprocated. And it's futile, compromising our long established friendship with my own emotions.

"You know that I consider our friendship more important than my feelings right? And it really makes me hate the universe for making me fall for the person I wanted to keep forever but will never be mine even just for a second." I let out a heavy sigh with full of frustrations as I sob silently in between my words.

"But do you want to live a life full of regrets? That your what if's will never be answered? It's better to take a risk now Win than to live a miserable life just because you never had the courage to seek the situation you are always afraid of." Adrian blurted out and I have to admit, it hit me. I was always been flooded by my what if's and it was unbearable. Knowing to know the truth, but afraid to even step up and try. It was a gamble that I never even dared to bet.

"It's kinda pointless to fight for something you want when what you want continues to break your heart, Adrian." I said sadly and I felt very down just by saying it.

One of my greatest flaws is that, I always keep on looking for something to hold on to even when reality's already staring at me in the face. I keep on telling myself that maybe I still have a fight, when the truth is, there's not even a battle.

It's just me and my messed up mind, thinking I could fit somewhere I clearly don't belong.

"No it isn't pointless. You just have to try and trust your heart Win. And I'm sure of that," he said with full of determination in his voice and I felt confused about what he had said. "Unsaid feelings are the worst, and they will eat you up completely inside. Feelings that are said and acknowledged, even if they are unreciprocated are raw and beautiful. And hey, at least you got it off your chest." I smiled as the words that filled my ears made me feel a sudden comfort and assurance.

"Life is nothing without the small risks of saying how you feel, Win. It will be worth it. Trust me," he continued and it made me think of something I never wanted to try in my life.

And now I need to decide.

And a thought suddenly struck me. That soon, when all is well, I'm going to look back on this certain period of my life and I'd be glad because I never gave up. That I tried even if it means having consequences in return.

"Give me a semester Adrian to muster up all my courage," I said breathily as a churn inside of me burns. 

"Yes Win, I know it's not easy," he chuckled on the other line. I'm really thankful for this person now. Without him, I'd be crawling with too much negativity now and I'll be a good for nothing loser.

"I'll confess before he will finally leave for States."

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Author's Note

What are your thoughts? Your comments are deeply appreciated guys! 🙏🏻

Thank you for reading and have a nice day ahead! ❤️
-k