Something between Us

Chapter 24.

"Practice tonight. We have a hell of a lot of improvements needed." I yell after the most disastrous cheer practice.
The whole time I've snapped at my girls and complained about their work epic all day.
"What the hell is going on Ally?" 
 Lola asks as we get into my car at the end of the school day.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
I start the engine and check my blind spots before pulling out my parking space.
"Like hell you don't, Chase hasn't got a ride it's us in days, your snappy, dressing like shit and closed off to me." 
I stay silent. "Not to mention you've been a bitch on the field. That's not like you."
I try to concentrate on the road.
"What's going on with you and Chase Ally?"
Her voice is quiet now, she's trying to be cautious with me.
"Nothing," I snap as we get closer to her house.
"Bullshit, you've waited to be with Chase forever, and now you're doing everything you can to stay away from him,"
She sighs, clearly frustrated with the situation she has no clue about.
I don't say anything back and we continue the rest of the drive in silence, tears filling in my eyes.

When we pull into her drive way she doesn't get out.
"What the fuck happened?"
She's demanding answers now and I turn to face her my eyes red, cheeks tears stained.
I can't fight the urge, I need to confide in my best friend.
"He told Charlie about the night we slept together.."
I say before I have the chance to stop myself.
I can tell by her blank expression she's not following.
"He called Charlie and he told him what happened with us and asked him..."
I laugh at the irony.
"He asked Charlie of all people for relationship advice."
I feel her hand cover mine.
Oh Ally." she's sympathetic, she knows this is a big deal to me.
"I get it, that's hurt you, but Ally, Charlie is his brother.  I don't know why he'd trust him, but maybe you should find out why. Or try to understand."
- "did you know Chase believed Charlie over those girls."
I snap before she can't defend Chase in this situation.
"He took his side over those girls who needed people to stand with them."
I cry. "How could he do that, how could he believe Charlie?"
Lola takes a moment thinking of her response, "Chase believed those girls Ally, Charlie's his brother, so he just wasn't ready to accept it at the time."
She sighs, "he lost his mom and baby sister, he needed to believe in his brother."
I know she's speaking sense.
"It sounds to me that he just couldn't loose another family member."
I shake my head, she doesn't get it..
"He probably needed to believe that Charlie wasn't as rotten as we all know he is."
"He's a rapist, a disgusting predator,=."
I sob and I can't stop.
"What aren't you telling me?"
Lola sees right through me  but I can't find the words or tell her. I turn to look out the window, wanting to end this painful conversation.
"Ally, please talk to me."
Her voice is pained. It's almost as though she already knows what I'm about to tell her.
"I can't," I shake my head trying to tell the tears to stay.
"I'm not getting out of this car till you tell me what happened to you!" She's forceful.
"You can tell me anything Ally, you know that..."
She places a caring hand on my arm and I turn to look at her.
"He tried to hurt me too."
The words are out before I can convince myself not to tell her Lola's mouth falls open but she remains silent her face turns into fury.
"I was a freshman and Charlie had been kicked out of college."
I set the scene for her.
"I practically lived at Chases house. I was always there with his family but when Charlie was home I tried to stay away."
I tell he "he always made me feel so uneasy."
I don't know how Lola done it but she's got me to open up to her.
"I had a really good day at one my dance classes, I got cast as the lead and I was so excited."
I sigh, " the only person I wanted to tell was Chase so I ran straight to his house, I didn't even go home to change first."
I stare off into space holding onto the tainted memory of my love for dance.
"When I got there," my voice cracks.
"Chase wasn't home. Charlie was alone."
I gulp back the tears threatening to escape.
"I told him I'd come back later, I didn't have my phone to call Chase. But Charlie insisted I waited and assured me he'd call and let Chase know I was there."
I shake my head.
"I thought it would be okay, I knew he'd race home if knew I was there so I thought it would be fine."
"Al-" I shake my head.
 "Its okay, I need to tell you."
Lola smiles at me softly her eyes laced in sympathy.
"I ran straight up to Chases bedroom. I don't know why I done it but I pushed the compute chair against the door I just felt like I needed to kept him out. Like a sixth sense or something."
I shrug. I take a moment to breath.
"I sat by the window, waiting for Chase if I seen him I'd be able to move the chair before he noticed I put it there."
"That's when I saw Charlie on the lawn. I should have looked away but I didn't.
His hands were around a girls throat I couldn't hear their conversation, but I could see how terrified she was. I just heard him tell her no one would believe her." I shudder at the memory. Her eyes looked up to the window I think she thought I could help her. But it just alerted Charlie to my presence.
He looked up and looked right at me, he shot her down and came charging towards the house. I just froze."
I look down shamefully I was too cowardly to run.
"God Ally, I would have frozen too," she tries to make me feel better.
"He came upstairs and opened the door easily. The computer chair was pointless."
Lola looks at me tears in her eyes.
"oh Ally." She reaches out for my hand.
"He started to tell me that I shouldn't trust so easily, that I shouldn't poke my nose into other people's business. He wanted to teach me a lesson."
I cringe at the memory. I can still hear his voice.
"I promised him I'd never tell anyone what I saw, and that I just wanted to go home. He just smiled at me and said I was special and the college girls weren't anything like me."
I can't hide my shudder.
"He laughed when I told him Chase would be home. Like I was pathetic for believing he actually told them I was here."
"He grabbed my arms tight  I could feel his nails digging into my arm and I cried so much, but it didn't matter how much I pleaded with him and begged him to let me go, he was never going to. I could see in his eyes, this was fun for him."
I don't know how I've gone so long never opening these wounds.
"He enjoyed it when I showed fear it only spurred him on more. He threw me on the bed, he, he pinned me down with his his legs digging into my arms. One hand around my neck choking me and his other hand was," I take some deep breaths, "ripping at my tights." I almost passed out at when his hands locked around my throat.
I close my eyes trying to block out the memory. "He ripped my tights at my thighs and he told me I was teasing him when I came over in my leotard and tights." 
"Is that why you stopped wearing them ?"
Lola asks already accepting this is the reason. I don't need to answer because she knows its true.
"He kissed me, but it was forceful, and it hurt my mouth, he bit my lip and it starte to bleed." Everything I've held in for years is falling from my mouth in a rush.
"He slapped me when I screamed for help."
Lola looks horrified like she's reading the pages of a victim testimony.
"He grabbed my chest and and he just pulled at them. I cried it hurt so much Lola."
I sob into my hands.
"It was like his aim was to bruise me, he wanted to hurt me and I couldn't do a single thing, I was paralysed by my fear, it hurt so fucking much Lola. His hand started moving down to my-"
I stop I can barely bring myself to say it.
"He started pushing the material of my leotard to the side when he touched me it felt awful, I felt sick and I just let him do it.."
"You were terrified Ally. Don't you ever say you let him!" Lola tells me.
"He never should have done it." 
When let go of me he was licking his lips," I wince.
"He started to unbuckle his belt and he pulled his jeans down.
That was the only chance I was going to get, so I just ran, I ran so fast out of the room and he was laughing, calling my name like it was a game of cat and mouse."
"Did he?-"
"No," I sigh relief the memory is coming to an end.
"When I opened the door I ran into Stuart's arms.
He took one looked at my ripped tights, the marks on my arms and neck and he just knew what had happened.
What almost happened.
He kicked Charlie out and not long after he was arrested and charged for rape and sexual assault."
I finally break down in front it Lola. The walls I have built protecting me from my past come crumbling down.
But the weight on my shoulders of keeping my secret finally feels a lot lighter now.

Lola takes some time to process what I've just told her.
Between telling me non of this is my fault and crying for me for having to have gone through this, to telling me she's so proud of me and wish she could take the pain away.
I feel like I can breath and begin to make peace with my trauma. I became a master at deception. Pretending nothing fazed me. Acting like nothing had ever happened. I realise now hiding from past trauma is more toxic than accepting it.
"What Charlie did to you was wrong. You're so strong Ally but don't let this secret come between you and Chase."
She sighs, "if he knew he'd have killed him, he would never have doubted you. Not for a second." She assures me and I nod, knowing how accurate her statement is.
"But Al, this is your story. This happened to you no one knows what he put you through. Never justify how you deal with your trauma."
"I blamed Chase." I whisper, completely ashamed of myself and I can feel the vomit in my throat threatening to surface.
"I don't understand."
I tell Lola how Chase promised to protect me from Charlie and how he assured me as bad as he is he could never be that bad.
"Stop Ally, just stop."
Lola tries to be gentle, "what that bastard did to you I can't even find the words. I want to kill him" She tells me through gritted teeth.
"But n regards to Chase, I know you don't really believe you ever blamed Chase. He would know that too." My rational mind knows she's right, but me and rational aren't on speaking terms right now.
"No one believed Charlie was capable of this, he came from a good home with a beautiful family and a good education." She remind me of the facts.
"Chase just wanted to believe his brother wasn't pure evil, and you know that."
She sighs.
"You never blamed Chase, but putting all the blame on Charlie would mean you had to admit what he done to you. So I think you just transferred those feelings."
Sometimes Lola makes no sense, but every once in a while she makes perfect sense and I thank myself she's my voice in the darkness.
One day she'll make an awesome physiatrist.