Something between Us

Chapter 37.

There's voices but I'm in complete darkness. I can hear my name repeatedly, I can hear a constant beeping. It's deafening.
"Why would she does this to herself," that voice is laced with anger, anger and judgement. I want to scream, I can hear you... But my words are lost. 
"Chase please calm down sweetie, this isn't good for Ally," the second voice is softer, gentle and calming. Mom. 
"We have no idea what was going through Ally's head Chase," I can feel tension in the air, I'm thankful my eyes won't open right now.
"Ms Benson, she tried to kill herself," He's crying now, I can see the distress clear as day.
"She's going to be okay, that's the main thing, she'll go back to her therapist and she will be okay." I think my moms trying to convince herself of that just as much as Chase.
"Back?" He's clicked on already, "you mean?" It's really pissing me off that these people are stood over my bedside discussing me. "She's done this before?" The horror is transparent. 

Chase's POV

I shouldn't feel like this, but I can't shake it, looking at her tiny body covered in scars and bandages stings. It hurts to know I couldn't save her from Charley and now, it hurts even more that I couldn't save her from herself. 
How didn't I spot the signs, how could I not see. I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder, the touch is so soft for a split second I think it's her. 
"You should head some sweetie, nothing's going to change for a while." I shake my head.
"I want to be here when she wakes up." Ms Benson sighs and looks at me straight in the eye.
"If you can't handle this Chase, you need to leave now before she wakes up... It'll only hurt her more." 
I know what she's saying, she's telling me to leave Ally get better without me because my initial reaction was anger and frustration and I guess Ms Bensons become a master in dealing with this.
When I found Ally covered in blood I thought she'd been attacked, I seen the blade next to her and I still convinced myself it had to be an attack from a random stranger. Not an attack on herself.
"It's just a lot to take in, how long has she been doing this? How long has she been hiding it?" 
I have so many questions, "Chase honey, I can't answer those questions on Ally's behalf. All I can say is Ally lives in a world where the most dangerous and scary place for her to be is her own mind. She's lived with this most of her life, she's an expert at hiding it."
"And lying." I can't help but spit out the one word I know I shouldn't, "you need to let her heal before you bash her Chase. She'll be doing that enough for the rest of us on her own."
I know Ally's mom is right. It's selfish of me to be angry at her but I am. I'm furious. I'm furious that she felt like she deserved to feel pain like this. 
I'm furious that she didn't come to me. I'm angry at hoe easily she lied to me, to everyone. 
I want to punch something, I want someone else to hurt because seeing the girl I love like this is killing me bit by bit and there's nothing I can do about it. 

"We have had to do some skin grafts on Miss Bensons arms, she's cut so deep that she has caused some damage, we found traces of infection in her blood which we will need to treat whilst she is here. Your daughter is lucky this time, but the lacerations to her arms, stomach and legs were dangerously deep this time."
FUCK! The doctors words hit me had, this time. She's been here before, I know this now, but how many times. What happens if there's a next time. 
Before I can bring myself out of it my fist is smashing against the white wall outside of Ally's room.
"I'm going to have to ask you leave if you don't calm down young man," This guy is really pissing me off I walk away but here Ms Benson a sure the snooty Doc that she'll keep me under control. 
"You need to calm down Chase, Ally's asleep because the loss of blood and the infection an the trauma has exhausted her, se doesn't need to wake to this." I nod agreeing, I have a habit of making everything about me, but I can't do that. Not now. 

*********

"Hey," my voice is dry and sleepy, I'm confused when I look around and I'm not in my own bedroom. Chase is here, he's sat in the chair right by my bedside, he must have pushed it as close as he possibly could to my bed, his hands are wrapped around my body his head resting on my stomach. My heart hurts, he must have been here all night... For a split second I forgot what events led me to here until a lifeless Chase lifts his head to face me. His eyes have lost their sparkle. He's hurt, angry and sad, the boy has the most expressive eyes. He couldn't hide an emotion even if he tried.
"Ally," he chokes, "do you need some water?"
I'm grateful when he hears the dryness of my voice. I nod, not knowing how to speak to him just yet.
I take a sip and Chase helps me bringing the water to my mouth, "thanks," I whisper and Chase nods smiling a small fake smile.
"How you feeling?" 
"I'm splendid, the morphine is amazing," I try to joke, it's the only way I know how to deal with trauma.
"Ally this isn't funny." I don't like the way Chase is looking at me, he looks disgusted, ashamed and I don't want to admit, but he looks embarrassed by me.
"Do I look like I'm laughing?" I hiss turning my head away closing my eyes.
"Where's my mom?" 
"She just went to get something to eat, she'll be back soon."
"Well you can go now," I want him to leave, I can't bare to see those blue eyes looking at me like I've got the plague. Like whatever is going on with me is contagious. 
"I don't want to go anywhere." He tells me taking my hand in his, but I can't stand this fake sympathy, I pull my hand away hastily without saying another word. 
I don't have time to be someone's broken doll that needs fixing. I don't want that. 
The room is deadly silent, I keep watching the door praying for my mom to walk in with an inappropriate joke to cut through the ice room. 

I choose to pretend to be asleep, it's easier than this awkward silence, but Chase's pacing is driving me mad. 
"Say it," I say when the back and forth walking has tested my last nerve. 
He stops in his tracks and I know it's taken him off guard, but as he's about the speak his mind my mom walks in. 
"Sorry sweetie I got talking to one of the nurses from my spinning class," She's not noticed I'm awake yet. 
Her eyes dart to me, "Oh baby," she rushes to my bedside kissing my head repeatedly.
"Please please don't do this to yourself again," she cries as she takes me into her warm embrace, "it was bad this time sweetie."
She says that part only loud enough for me to hear. I nod in agreement, I know this time was bad, I felt it. 
When my mom pulls away the corner of the hospital room is empty, the door slowly closing. 
I don't know why I'm surprised this would scare Chase off, I guess I convinced myself I'd mange to keep this part of me hidden. 
Sometimes we convince ourselves that hiding from our demons is the only option. But seeing the pain in my moms eyes, the anger in Chases and hearing the doctors tell me how this time it got too dangerous was a sinking reminder we can't take the world on our own shoulders. 
Sometimes we can't do it alone, we can't block out our pain in a toxic way. The beauty of life is that we're living in it. 
"He'll tired sweetie, he's been here all night," My mom reassures me. It's pointless reassurance, I know this is too much for anyone to handle. 
There's so many questions I want to ask, the main one being how did I end up in the hospital, but right now I'm just not ready to ask.